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In a marriage emotional show, there is a woman who really can't stand the man wanting to divorce because the man always restricts her freedom and does not respect her.
What kind of clothes women wear every day, men have to care, skirts above the knee can not be worn, said to be offensive, hair can not be burned into large waves, said to be too ostentatious and so on.
Every day by the man in the name of love to manage the head and feet, women feel particularly suffocated, especially men are suspicious of her, but also find a detective to check on her, the woman can't bear it, decided to divorce.
Some people say that the root cause of all human suffering stems from a lack of a sense of boundaries.
But many people, including the man just mentioned, believe that the two have become husband and wife, then he has the right to let the partner act according to his own requirements.
It is precisely because of these so-called "requirements" that the feelings between husband and wife are consumed, and the marriage is facing the crisis of brokenness at any time.
This is all due to the lack of a "sense of boundaries" between husband and wife, and one of the parties is too controlling. Many times, having a sense of boundaries is a good relationship.
In fact, between husband and wife, the less "management" there is, the better the feelings.
In marriage, there should be a amount of discussion between husband and wife, more "you love me", less "control must"
There is a saying that goes like this: "In marriage, if identity is used as a reason to impose certain duties on the other party that must be fulfilled, it is a terrible control." ”
Lao Xie in the TV series "An Jia", for the sake of other people's children, wants to sell his own children's marriage house, and as a result, his wife is unwilling, he puts on a "saint" posture and blames his wife for being ungrateful.
You know, Lao Xie is not the woman who occasionally helps Ni Fangfang, he seems to have taken Ni Fangfang's home as his home, he has feelings for Ni Fangfang, and he has betrayed the marriage spiritually.
For more than three years, Lao Xie presented himself as the father of Ni Fangfang's children, and also helped her pay off the mortgage, gave her monthly living expenses, and his wife and children at home, but Lao Xie ignored it.
Obviously, Lao Xie is using the joint property of the husband and wife to fulfill his own "private feelings". He also used all kinds of nice excuses to leave his wife speechless.
In the play, Lao Xie Daode "kidnapped" his wife and made her act according to his own wishes, but he never thought about whether his wife was willing to do so, she was bitter in her heart, and her desire to control was strong and selfish.
Lao Xie's "will" imposed on his wife, let her sell her son's marriage house to help other people's children treat diseases, these practices have brought invisible harm to the wife, which is definitely a kind of control.
In fact, marriage should not be the relationship between leaders and subordinates, and husband and wife should have equal voice.
In marriage, when encountering things, the husband and wife should discuss and solve each other, rather than blindly following someone's decision.
What marriage needs is "I'm willing to give you everything I have" instead of "how you have to be".
As actor Yi Nengjing said: "Marriage is not a commitment to each other, nor is it to restrain others, but to restrain yourself." ”
In marriage, what is needed more than a certain demand of one party on the other is self-discipline.
The relationship between two people should be: "The most beautiful love on earth is not that I love you, but that I am willing." ”
In marriage, don't control your partner, leave some relatively independent space for each other
Leonidova said: "The basis of marriage is love, attachment, respect. ”
When the marriage is full of control and control, it is not far from the disintegration of the couple's feelings.
Over time, the controlled party wants to flee; the controlled party becomes more intense. Such a marriage relationship, it is too difficult to not disintegrate.
Colleague Li Jie grew up in a family where her parents divorced, and under the influence of her original family, she was particularly insecure, and since she got married, her desire to control her husband was very strong.
Sister Li set a lot of rules for her husband. For example, no more than five cigarettes a day, no more than two or two drinks, and no more than fifty pocket money.
Every day when you go home after work, you can't go out with friends and colleagues to eat and drink, you must keep a safe distance of fifteen meters from female colleagues, you can't let female colleagues sit in a co-driver, and so on.
Sister Li's husband was firmly managed by her, and when she went out to have a dinner with her colleagues, she had to ask Sister Li for instructions on the left and please on the right.
Even if it is such a bitter pleading, eight times out of ten times, it will be rejected by Sister Li: "Don't go."
Sister Li's husband is very distressed, feels that he has no personal freedom not to say, but also often by friends joke is "rake ears", he feels that he lives a very depressed life, gradually lost interest in married life, and even had the idea of divorce.
Often people return home, the soul is still outside, living with Sister Li is also absent-minded, Sister Li looks at him so uncomfortable, but there is nowhere to complain, very sad.
In marriage, Sister Li believes that her husband and she are husband and wife, and her husband has the obligation to listen to her and act according to her wishes, which is actually a manifestation of "control".
Tu Lei, an emotional teacher, once said: "In love life, there is no desire for control, it is impossible." The desire to control is manifested less, called to care, and the desire to control is too much, then it is called kidnapping. ”
However, in a marriage that is "kidnapped" by morality, the marriage will not last long after all. This can seriously damage the interests of the partner and cause physical and mental harm to the partner.
To get rid of this controlled and controlled marriage situation, you need the controlling party to know how to make changes, so that the partner retains his own independent space, not always in charge.
In marriage, do not forcibly change partners, control their words and deeds, but accommodate each other
We often hear quarrels between partners over some trivial matters of life: "Your stinky socks are littered again", "Hello, you can't help the oil bottle if you fall".
People's habits are not formed overnight. To change this habit is even more protracted, forcibly changing the partner, the way to control their words and deeds is extremely undesirable, must be eliminated.
Because doing so will definitely make the partner feel uncomfortable and affect the feelings between the husband and wife.
Marriage is a permanent patience, after all, no one is perfect, always too much control, not forcing the partner to forcibly change, will inevitably make them disgusted, resulting in more and more tension in the marriage relationship.
In marriage, there is less control and more sense of boundaries, and the relationship between husband and wife will be more comfortable and harmonious.
There is a "ignorance effect" in psychology, which explains the origin of happiness very well:
"The ignorance effect is that when you've made the decision to buy an item, don't go into more details about it. Because the more you learn, the lower your happiness will be. ”
The same is true for husband and wife, only when each other can retain their own independent space, can they have a sense of mystery with each other, so that the happiness of marriage can be promoted.
Couples with a "sense of boundaries", the marriage is getting sweeter and sweeter.
As the British writer Wilde said: "A person should always maintain a little mystery." ”
Don't always think about trying to control each other, give your partner a little more independent space, let the feelings breathe freely, and the marriage will be more long-lasting and happy.
Author: Snowfall Dustless, Writer, Emotional Counselor. If you encounter any emotional distress, you can send me a private message, and I will help you analyze and help you solve it.