Every time you stroke an elephant, feel the touch carefully, and every time you open a window, take a closer look at the view.
Just like this down-to-earth, dripping stones, you will eventually learn how to be satisfied when slapped by life.
Enjoy the following:
Luce Harris | author
Economics (ID: jjchangshi) around | source
01 Face the slap of life
When was the last time you had a slap in the face of life?
Each of us can encounter it at any time: life suddenly hits us hard, panics, heartbreaks, and disrupts the rhythm of everyday life.
We can only struggle forward, but sometimes we inevitably fall to the ground.
Life's "slap" on us comes in many forms, sometimes very violent, and the shot is a heavy punch, such as:
The person you love dies, suffers from serious illness, is seriously injured, suffers from accidents, encounters violent violations, congenitally disabled children, fails and goes bankrupt in his career, suffers from betrayal, encounters natural and man-made disasters such as fires and floods...
And sometimes, it's relatively gentle to shoot:
Discovering that others have exactly what we crave, jealousy flashes through the heart;
Feeling that you have lost contact with others, and feeling lonely and painful for this reason;
Suddenly stimulated, and then dissatisfied with the reaction that appears under the stimulus;
And then there are those tingling sensations, such as frustration, disappointment, rejection, and so on.
Sometimes, the slap incident quickly fades and becomes a memory, as if it were a brief, rude knock on the door; sometimes, the experience of being slapped can bring a cruel blow, leaving us in a fog that takes days or even weeks to ease.
Whatever the form of the slap, there is no doubt about one thing: it will hurt us.
It's sudden, repulsive and defiant, but the problem is that it's still just a prelude, and everything that comes with it will be more difficult.
Because when we are awakened by a slap, the next step is to face the "reality gap" (the reality gap).
It is called a "reality rift" because on one side is the reality that we "have" and the reality that we "want" on the other.
The greater the rift between the two, the more painful emotions will become: envy, jealousy, fear, disappointment, shock, sadness, anger, anxiety, rage, worry, guilt, resentment, and even hatred, despair and disgust, and so on.
And the rifts don't usually close quickly, they can last for days, weeks, months, years, or even decades!
Most people feel overwhelmed when dealing with the huge rift in reality. Because social culture never teaches us how to deal with this situation effectively, let alone how to allow ourselves to thrive and continue to be satisfied in the process of coping with the rift.
Whenever we encounter a rift in reality, our first instinct is to try to bridge it: act as quickly as possible, change the status quo, and meet expectations as much as possible.
If we succeed, that is, we bridge the rift, we feel good: deeply happy, contented, calm, relieved, and fulfilled.
Of course, this feeling is great, after all, if you can do something to achieve what you want, and it is not a criminal means, nor does it violate its core values, and does not create a bigger problem, why not enjoy it?
But what happens next if the goal is not achieved?
If the reality rift cannot be bridged, such as:
Loved ones die, beloved partners leave, beloved children move overseas;
There can be no children in this life, or the children are born with some kind of serious disorder;
The friends we want to associate with are not interested in us;
blindness, or terminal illness;
Not as smart, talented or beautiful as you might expect...
So, what will happen to us? In addition, even if these realities can be bridged, but it takes a long time, what will it be like? How will we face this process?
02 Embracing "Inner Contentment"
I once read an article that mentioned that all psychological self-help books on the market can be grouped into two categories:
A category that claims that you can have everything you desire, as long as you do it with your heart;
The other type of claims is that you can't have everything you want, but you can still live a colorful and rewarding life.
Frankly, I'm surprised that some people believe in the view of the first type of book, and if you look closely at everyone's life, such as Bill Gates, Brad Pitt, etc., whether the person is rich, famous, entitled, or very beautiful, healthy, or intelligent, you will eventually find that no one is immune:
As long as we live, we will all experience disappointment, setbacks, failures, losses, rejections, diseases, injuries, aging and death...
If the real-world rifts we face are small, or seem to be able to be bridged quickly, most of us will handle them well.
But as the rift grows larger and longer it cannot be bridged, we will increasingly feel that we are struggling with our predicament.
That's why it's especially important to have "inner contentment," a deep sense of calm, happiness, and vitality.
Even in the face of huge rifts in reality, even if dreams never come true, goals can never be achieved, even if life is always cruel and unfair to us... We can still have "inner satisfaction."
This is very different from "external gratification", of course, we will do everything we can to achieve the ideal and make ourselves feel better.
Bridging the cracks, achieving goals, and getting everything you really crave in life, "external gratification" is really important. After all, who doesn't want to do what they want, and who doesn't want everything to come true?
It's just that "external gratification" isn't always possible.
"Inner gratification" is a deep sense of calm and well-being relative to obtaining satisfaction from the outside, which needs to be continuously cultivated within us.
And, the beauty is that the resources to achieve "inner gratification" are always within our reach, gushing out of the heart whenever we need it, and are inexhaustible and inexhaustible.
However, while we need to focus on "inner gratification," this does not mean giving up "external gratification":
We can fully enjoy the pleasures of the world, let our desires, desires and needs be fully satisfied, strive to continue to achieve our goals, and whenever possible, of course, we must bridge the rift of reality.
What I really want to emphasize is that we don't have to rely too much on the external world for happiness and vitality, and that we can find inner peace and comfort even in the midst of great pain, fear, loss and loss.
03 "Five Stages of Grief"
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Elisabeth Kübler-Ross) proposed the very famous "five stages of grief" theory:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Although this theory is specific to both death and dying situations, these stages apply equally to all types of loss, blows, crises and traumas.
However, these stages are not strictly corresponding and precisely divided, and many people may not go through all the stages in their entirety.
The sequence of these five stages is not static: they often occur simultaneously, they may come and go, intertwined with each other, and they often seem to be "over" but quickly "come back".
The reality rift may seem challenging to me, and maybe someone you know feels the same way.
Divorce, death or disability, illness, injury or infirmity, depression, anxiety or addiction, all of these are extremely difficult for the onlooker, but they all have similarities in the essence of the phenomenon.
In each case, we face a rift between the reality of what happens and the reality of desire.
And the bigger this rift, the less we can really do.
Therefore, I specifically propose a strategy to deal with the rift in reality, whether this rift is large or small, temporary or permanent, this strategy will help you.
If the rift can be bridged, the strategy can be used to bridge it; if the rift cannot be bridged (whether temporary or permanent), it can also be used to give oneself inner satisfaction.
04 Quadrilogy
Overall, this strategy consists of four steps:
Be kind to yourself
Drop anchor point
Select a position
Discover the treasure
Let's take a quick look at these steps.
Step 1: Be kind to yourself
When you feel hurt, you need to be kind to yourself. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. For most people, the default setting of the mind is a stingy, judgmental, indifferent, or self-critical gesture (especially when you think that the rift in reality is your own making).
In fact, we are all very clear that self-criticism does not actually help, but once these criticisms are heard, it is difficult to stop.
And today's popular self-help methods, such as challenging our own negative thinking, repeated positive self-affirmation, and practicing self-hypnosis, do not work for the vast majority of people in the long run, and our minds will continue to stay on the channel of vitriol, judgment and self-criticism.
Therefore, it is necessary to learn the art of self-care; learn to be friendly and gentle with self-holding; learn to give yourself support and comfort, and effectively deal with painful thoughts and emotions, thereby alleviating their impact and impact on life.
Step 2: Drop the anchor point
The greater the rift in reality, the fiercer the ensuing emotional storm. Waves of painful emotions slammed into our bodies, and hurricanes of painful thoughts swept madly through our minds.
When we are wrapped up in the storm of these thoughts and emotions, we feel very helpless, and we can only try desperately to turn the tide and save ourselves.
Therefore, when a storm strikes, it must drop anchor and stabilize itself in order to continue to act effectively. Anchoring is not about eliminating the storm, but about keeping us calm and composure until the storm subsides.
Step 3: Choose a position
Whenever we encounter a rift in reality, we can ask ourselves the following question, which may be helpful: "What position do I choose in the face of this situation?" ”
We can choose to surrender to life, or we can choose to do something more meaningful. We can choose what to cherish deep within and then use them to give dignity to suffering, drawing determination and courage from it.
Obviously, we can't go back in time or erase what has happened, but we can choose to face these things. Sometimes, choosing a position is enough to bridge the rift in reality, and sometimes it is clear that nothing will help.
But as soon as we take a stand, we experience the vitality of life; we may not be able to truly have the reality of longing, but we can feel truly satisfied with the intention to live.
Step 4: Discover the treasure
Once the first three steps are put into practice, we enter a very different mental space in which we can find and be grateful for all the treasures that life has given us.
The last step may sound difficult to achieve, especially if you are in the midst of intense anxiety, sadness, or despair, but it is possible.
This is the final step in this journey:
Discover the treasures buried behind all the pain.
We are not to deny deep suffering or pretend to be unscathed, but to acknowledge that suffering is here, while at the same time being grateful for the generosity of life.
About the author: Luce Harris, an internationally acclaimed Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) trainer and stress management expert, is widely regarded for his easy-to-understand, lively and interesting training methods. Authored several ACT-based self-help books.
This article was originally published by "Economics Around Us (ID: jjchangshi)" with the permission of the publisher, and compiled from the Mechanical Industry Press's "The Trap of Life: How to Deal with the Darkest Moments in Life". Please add the side of the Jun WeChat (shenbianjun), and note "reprint + public name", thank you.
The Trap of Life
Recommendation: We don't wait for the storm to subside to start our lives, but we have been living in the storm. In this book, Harris will use his life story and clinical practice to show you how to jump out of the trap of life and bravely move forward with the treasures that life has given us.
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