Exhale - woke up from the dream again, I don't know how many times. Opening your eyes and not opening your eyes is actually the same. I seemed to be blind—it was a total darkness, completely almost terrifying. I tried to make my eyes gradually adapt, a quarter of an hour, two quarters of an hour... In the end, it was in vain—I felt that my existence had become a concept of space, and that nothing tangible here existed, including my own body, and there was nothing, just black nothingness.
I lay quietly, because I couldn't move if I wanted to. My hands and feet seemed numb, and I even wondered if they really existed. Except for the wandering of my thoughts, I have lost all my sense of touch, and I seem to have been completely liberated from the flesh, dangling and floating in the air, or blending in, and have not yet found a new place, in this illusory universe, wandering back and forth on the dividing line between nightmares and reality, with no place to rest.
Day after day, such days lasted for nearly a month - the TV was not watched, the text was not written, the software was not learned, nor did it draw, the history of architecture could not be seen, I went to the library in the morning, I went home at about six or seven o'clock, I ate a meal, I changed clothes and ran downstairs, I listened to music and walked, I fell asleep on time at twelve o'clock, I woke up at midnight, I didn't know what I was thinking, I didn't meet anyone, I didn't chat with anyone, I did everything, and I didn't seem to do anything. The regularity of life seems to be rusty, which is both relaxing and frightening, because it makes one unconscious of the passage of time, or deliberately avoidant. I hate my inaction, but who likes it? I realized I had to act and try to struggle, but reality left me powerless. I seem to be in a wonderful position—I stand on a line in the middle—or maybe I am a rope—and the angel and the devil are on each side. Struggling to pull — I'm going to have dinner with the winning side — and the two are in a dilemma — I'm under tremendous pressure physically and mentally, and I'm miserable about it.
I always wondered what the meaning of my existence was—there was no answer, I tried to pursue it, but I always didn't know it. The unprecedented confusion I felt was pushing me down the bottomless abyss, which was unfathomable. I struggled powerlessly, and I didn't seem to have any intention of struggling—I always knew how long it had been before dawn crept in, and a glimmer of light came, breaking through the thick darkness without gaps, and I was finally back in the real world, back to the real world that neither made me happy nor willing to let me go.
Looking out the window at the chaotic white expanse. I sighed. Close your eyes and everything will finally be calm again.
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