I had four children, but it took me a lifetime to make up for the impulses of my youth

Good evening, today is the second story.

Summer is coming to an end, and I probably have only one youth left.

I'm 34 years old, married for 12 years, and my youth is gone. Think about my previous life, regret it more.

In 2003, I dropped out of junior high school and came home, I really didn't like to read, to be precise, I was afraid of being beaten by my teacher.

Compared with today's teaching, the teachers of the past can indeed be said to be harsh and frightening.

I still vaguely remember that when I was 13 years old, I received my first pair of high heels.

It was my father's birthday present, and it was so popular to wear it at the time that a new rule was added to the school's student code that did not allow students to wear high heels to school.

In those days, I was probably the freest and the most thoughtful.

In order to force me to go to school, my parents made the condition that "if I don't go to school, I can only stay at home and not let me go out to work" as a condition. But what they never expected was that I nodded my head in agreement and wrote a letter of guarantee.

Our family was originally crowded, and at that time, this condition was reasonable, after all, it really needed a person to take care of family affairs.

At that time, I also thought that staying at home would be more "comfortable" than reading.

My friends around me also didn't go to school, but they could go out and work, which was the only thing I envied at the time.

Suddenly, more than ten years have passed, and as time has passed, I have begun to slowly appreciate the consequences of the decision at that time.

Coupled with the subsequent mistakes, the malignant effects were like a flood of beasts, invading my flesh day after day and destroying my soul.

Life is really a wrong step by step!

It wasn't until I gave birth to my fourth child that I suddenly realized – is that the end of my life?

Is it really my own will to have children? Will my "obedience" be exchanged for more affection?

No, it doesn't.

This life is really torturous.

When I really calmed down and began to analyze my life, I found that I was already out of place with young women my age.

They also raise children, but most of them are only children. But I could no longer fit into their circle, nor did I dare. They were so confident and their fashionable outfits made me panic.

Look at me again, to raise four children, it is too late to dress up, the face is fleeting, and now I have no full collagen on my face.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I suddenly felt that it would be so unbearable.

Am I losing all my youth?

I often wake up here, from what step did I start to open the gap with others step by step?

I began to reflect and look back on my "easy" life in the past. The wrong decisions I made when I was younger began to punish me slowly.

As my children grew older, my stress grew, and I began to worry about their expenses.

Going to school costs money, and it is not a small expense for children to eat and wear.

Now the society is developing rapidly, the growth of children is indispensable to all aspects of investment, and I have been a housewife, no one is skilled.

I came to understand that all the pain of reality stemmed from my self-righteousness. I thought that life could not be difficult, I thought that as long as there were parents, my life would not be very hard.

But it wasn't, my pain deepened day by day, and I began to regret my original decision to give up reading. I've had a lot of what ifs in my head, but where in the world do the ifs come from?

Sometimes the spiritual world is numb, lax, and hopeless.

Until I met my husband cheating, Xiao San shouted and called me to say how my pillow person spent money for her and how to evaluate me, and my world began to collapse.

When I heard this, I began to doubt the meaning of my existence. My heart aches, I always toss and turn in the middle of the night, I am cowardly, escapist, and ignorant.

In order to please my in-laws and not to let the incense in the family be broken, I desperately gave birth to a child, wanting to have a boy, until the fourth child, everyone can be considered to have their wishes.

I naively thought that I would be much better off when I gave birth to a boy.

I'm dreaming! Where did you get what you wanted? It's just that people are stubborn, and I'm ignorant.

My situation is not more than half a point better.

Fortunately, God took care of me, my sister was very contentious, and her personality was completely opposite to mine.

She never resigned herself to it, and she also had quite ideas, although she did not like to read, but fortunately, she went to a graduate school in a 985 university.

Maybe there is no way out, my sister's flashing moments stimulate my nerves. Let me reflect on my past.

She used to complain about me more or less – don't think about always pleasing others, life is your own and your body is your own. You are abusing yourself badly, and there are always times when you regret it.

This made me feel very uncomfortable, and I didn't think it was a high opinion at the time.

But day after day of pain tells me that my sister lives more thoroughly than I do, that she has her own bottom line, her thoughts, and her temper.

Maybe that's part of the reason I'm where I am today.

I am determined to change! My life always has to change, at least for the sake of my children, I should be a positive mother.

In the last five years, I've started reading and started learning new things from good people.

I understand that the silence of the past few years is mainly because my spiritual world is too "simple". I thought everything was too simple to be a qualified adult, always hiding in the arms of my parents.

Only by enriching the spiritual world can I not be a frog at the bottom of the well, and only then will I not feel that life without waves is good.

I want to be brave and realistic.

Reading, writing, doing some part-time jobs, and gradually, my life began to be the same frequency as most people. Going to the supermarket to do cashier, going to the back kitchen of the restaurant to choose dishes, doing a variety of temporary work, my savings slowly increased.

Later, I started writing, my mind became active, and I had an unprecedented sense of life.

The more books I read and the more I was exposed, the more I realized that what I almost lost was my life. I'm making a change now, and I'm slowly saving myself and saving what should have been a wonderful life.

The past is long overdue, and the future is uncertain. The wasteland in my heart began to blossom, and the withered trees began to take root.

Although I can't guarantee a life of great wealth and nobility, I know that as long as I keep moving forward, my life will not be bad again.

I love my four children so much that it took me five years to make a makeover. I have discarded the "aperture" of ignorant women, and I would like to say that -

Male or female, please live for yourself. Born in sorrow and died in comfort, read more books, and inject new vitality into the spiritual world so that life will not wither.

Life is realistic, never fight a battle that is not prepared. The 16-year-old dropped out of school and thought he had escaped the bitter sea; the 22-year-old got married hastily, and thought he had escaped the abyss... I read too few books, shallow and ignorant thoughts poisoned myself, the abyss was always staring at me, and my ignorance, that is, fearlessness, almost buried my life.

It's not too late to make amends. I will work hard and spend my life making up for the mistakes I made in a hurry when I was younger.

Please take your life seriously!