Heart of help (WeChat: luyuexinli)
Senior author of Wen Shu Xin Zhi Zhi Zhi Zhi Miss Liu Lu Yue
"He left me."
At the end of the video, she seems to be talking casually, even with a decent smile.
But even at a distance of thousands of kilometers, I could feel a bottomless despair. Like an ancient well, there are no waves, no sounds, no light, no color, and no connection with the outside world.
This is her 7th time she has lost love. Every time the plot is the same, she is 100% devoted, sacrificing dedication, but the payment is always adrift.
Almost all the vigorous love story sections, she has personally interpreted: giving up his original life for him, leaving a foreign country; falling in love with him with a family, maintaining a torturous underground relationship; the day before the wedding with the blind date, resolutely repenting for "true love"...
Grinding their edges and corners again and again, falling into the dust again and again, in exchange for an increasingly indifferent relationship and irreparable separation.
Like a lonely one-man show, like a business with no return, like a labyrinth of going around and back to where it was.
The deeper the love, is it doomed to hurt more miserably?
01
There are two kinds of love, one is passionate love and the other is affectionate love.
Photo note: "Three Lives and Three Lives and Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms"
The so-called passionate love is what is constantly rendered in film and television dramas, three lives and three lifetimes, through reincarnation, entanglement. Misunderstandings, betrayals, separations, reunions... It seems that without the ups and downs, love cannot be maintained. And whether it is a Mary Sue or a bitter love scene, the heroine is often a victim trapped by love.
From "Step by Step" to "The Biography of Zhen Huan", from "Flowers and Bones" to "Three Lives and Three Worlds and Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms", all of them are like this. So that watching the drama on the b station, as soon as there is a sweet and warm interaction between the male and female protagonists, the bullet screen will be overwhelming:
"How sweet it is now, how sadistic it will be later."
However, sadism is not the same as walking the heart. The heart-wrenching entanglement is often satisfied with a fantasy: he and I have no reservations, intimate, hand in hand against the whole world, even if there is a sea of swords and fires in front of us, we are fearless.
Indulging in the plot of the swinging intestines, you forget life itself. When the parents no longer strongly opposed, when the economy became more and more solid, when the third party, overt or covert, was discouraged, only to find that the person in front of him was so strange.
Photo note: "He shed his skin for me"
There is a love horror short film "He Sheds His Skin for Me", which vividly shows the core of passionate love. In order to please his girlfriend, he did not hesitate to peel off his skin and bloodily confessed. Without skin, his work was frustrated and he rebelled, but this did not exchange for good love, and even the blood he stained on the sheets and sofa every day was deeply disliked by his girlfriend.
Passion is a mirage, of course, can not solve the problem of reality.
It is an anesthetic that can help us escape from those pains and fears; it is also a stimulant that can keep people in a state of psychological "orgasm" forever, even if this peak experience is doomed to not last.
Affectionate love is different, it combines the three elements that are indispensable in love: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
It is not to die or toss, but to operate in a long stream; not the fateful entanglement of heaven and thunder and fire, but the gradual acquaintance and run-in; not to show the heart with pain and patience, but to be honest with oneself and the other party, and face the realistic issues in the relationship; not to reject the boundaries like a conjoined baby, but to maintain a suitable distance to stretch oneself.
Illustration: Titanic
Passionate love is Jack's confession to Ruth, who is preparing to jump into the sea, in "Titanic": "You jump, I will jump." ”
Illustration: Inception
Affectionate love is in "Inception" Cobb said to his beloved wife Mor who was going to jump off the building: "I will not jump with you." ”
I love you and I love myself; I respect your will but don't force myself to sacrifice; I will work to improve our relationship, but I won't over-consume myself.
On the basis of mutual trust, establish friendship and tacit understanding, so that each other can fully express themselves, such an intimate relationship has the potential for healthy development.
02
From passionate love to affectionate love, how far do you have to go? The answer lies in the story of your early childhood.
If in your family of origin, feelings and emotions are not allowed to be fully expressed;
If you're used to the relationship state of "I can give a lot, but ask for very little" since you were a child;
If you've been asked not to be so "selfish" and give up on yourself for the sake of the person you love, it's a matter of course;
If the love of your parents drifts away, you can never seem to catch it...
Well, this evolutionary road will indeed be relatively long and tortuous.
Just like the girl at the beginning of the article, she is always in love with the "untouchable lover".
The first love is a netizen who met in a forum, chatted on QQ for two months, just graduated from college, she resigned decisively, hidden from her parents, took a long-distance train, and rushed to his city. Is there really that much love? I don't know. All she knew was that the state of desperate for love was a beautiful dream that she never wanted to wake up. Love is originally a sacrifice that has been painstakingly made.
The most seriously injured one was that he inexplicably became a little third. The story is very cliché, the married man is considerate to her, takes care of her, is dedicated, and occasionally talks about the unsatisfactory marriage and the violence of his wife through alcohol. She was so caught up in it that she was the only light in his life and could never abandon him, even if it turned out later that she was just one of his many lovers. But this is also excusable, others are so good, and marriage is so unsatisfactory.
The lovers who have just broken up have known each other for 13 years and been ambiguous for nearly 10 years, during which they each have several emotional experiences. Each time is infinitely close, each time it is lost. He believes in "open relationships", and she will have emotional outbursts at the slightest wind, knowing that the concept of love is completely incompatible, or holding the illusion: if we are together, if he knows how much I love him, he will be willing to change and compromise.
The result? Each time it is more sadistic than the next. And every time she breaks up, she will have a feeling of being beaten back to her original form, as if she has become the little girl who has nowhere to stay in the smoke of her parents' war.
Mother: "What are you crying?" What do you have to grievance? You and your dad are jerks, and I've been ruined by your family all my life!" ”
Father: "Your mother's person is simply incomprehensible, I worked hard for this family, but she doesn't understand me at all!" ”
Mother: "If you don't obey me anymore, I won't want you, so why should I be angry with your father and daughter?" ”
Father: "When you grow up, don't become an unreasonable woman like your mother!" ”
Under the pretext of socializing, my father often did not return at night; my mother created low pressure for many years, complaining while cleaning up the house without any dirty mess.
She did her best to be a good child, like a vacuum cleaner, sucking up the clouds in the house. And in my heart I firmly believe: Yes, I am not good enough, I am the culprit of parental discord, and I am not affirmed by my parents. And I have to give a lot of love, I have to accommodate others, to make others satisfied, to have hope of being accepted. But if others treat me badly, that's right.
In a way, intimacy is a repetition of the old. Historical legacies in the original family are often repeated here.
The low sense of self-worth developed in the original family makes a person's intimate relationship accustomed to giving and giving without a bottom line, addictively seeking negative emotional stimulation, and interpreting similar stories in front of different background boards.
Entering into an intimate relationship with a low sense of self-worth is easy to have a set of psychological contradictions: both fear of not getting love, and fear that love will really take root.
Love on a realistic level is completely foreign, and lovelessness is the normal state in contrast. Therefore, she repeatedly entered into difficult relationships, choosing less reliable people, and painfully immersed in the illusion of love at an awkward distance.
There is also a common restrictive pattern called "rejection + domination". The essence of rejection is emotional isolation, denying the occurrence of negative events and the real feelings that come with it, in order to guard the psychological safety area, even when the heart is like a knife, but also to pretend that everything is fine.
The essence of domination is control. Whether it is expressed in the form of a coercive "transformation", or a selfless "dedication" and "salvation" of great love, or a warm pulse of "encouragement" and "praise", if the motive is fearful, it is domination.
Low sense of self-worth, habitually falling into a state of lovelessness, and playing the game of "rejection + domination" will not consume your energy excessively, making love an unbearable weight of life.
03
Is it also my fault that I love too much?
No, there is nothing inherently wrong with love and it deserves to be cherished, the real problem is in the motivation and method.
Why do you love, invest, and put all your energy into intimacy? What does relationship mean to you? What kind of way are you used to expressing love to manage your intimate relationships? In a relationship, are you more powerful and more content, or are you becoming more and more powerless and suffering more and more gains and losses?
These are the issues we need to pay attention to, explore and make adjustments. If you are overly involved in intimate relationships, you may wish to start from the following 4 levels to have a self-healing.
See yourself tenderly
Indulging in feelings is a way to escape from the self, which is no different from overeating, alcohol, games, and TV dramas. Focusing on the outside world or the other person can temporarily fill in the emptiness inside and make you feel better. However, the truest self is once again ignored, and when you label the feelings and emotions that are surging in your heart as negative and throw them into the corner, you lose a chance to heal.
Seeing oneself means facing one's inner feelings, whether it is pleasant or uncomfortable, and seeing truthfully and gently that there is nothing "but" or "should".
Schedule a healing period
Whether you are in the empty window period or have a feeling of powerlessness in an intimate relationship, if you want to change the status quo, you can arrange a period of your own time. You can seek the help of a professional, join a healing group, or put aside those responsibilities and obligations for a while and take a "selfish" trip.
The most important thing is not the form, but to focus on yourself and get along with yourself during this time. After seeing your feelings without judgment, you can ask yourself this question: If there are no restrictions (including age, education, job, financial situation, appearance...). What kind of intimacy do I really want?
You can also try to solve one or a few slightly challenging problems independently without his involvement and support, and regain your inner strength and confidence.
Stop the Triangle Game
In a relationship, are you a helpless "victim," an aggressive "perpetrator," or a constantly giving "savior"? In fact, any character will limit you, even if it seems to be a very powerful "perpetrator".
It's an infinitely looping tragic script, and the only way to crack it is to step off the stage — no longer expect someone to step on the colorful clouds to save you, no longer think that you can't live without you, and don't have the effort to control, trying to put everything under control.
Retract the excessive attention paid to him
Staring at his phone all morning waiting for him to reply to messages, appearing as soon as he needs to help, obsessing over the meaning behind his every move, encouraging him to do the "right" thing... These are all signs of excessive attention.
Behind these appearances, it is actually full of rigid regulations of the "mother and baby mentality", which is also easy to cause pathological symbiosis in intimate relationships. Part of the reason for the sudden emptiness after the breakup is also due to this: you put the focus of your life on him, compressing your needs to the greatest extent, then, once he withdraws, your life becomes an empty shell.
Why did you spend so much effort to cultivate him? Take back the time and energy of missing him, analyzing him, complaining about him, guiding him, and encouraging him, and use them to arrange your own life. When your inner strength flourishes, there is no need to project expectations and fears outward.
Truly praiseworthy love is not sacrificing suffering and losing yourself, but building a high-quality connection with your ta and being at ease. Step out of the set of a bitter love scene, stop the consumption, and let your intimacy become a kind of nourishment.