There was once a passage, "Once on vacation, the lucy, linda, vivian, and julia in the city returned to their respective hometowns and changed back to Cuihua, Xiaohong, Ya Egg, and Ernizi." ”
Under different titles, there are not only different ways of life hidden, but also a helpless reality: these jade flowers and little reds are becoming more and more difficult to get along with their parents.
There is a friend who only stays at home for three days every long vacation, the first day of father's kindness and filial piety, the next day began to look at each other unfavorably, it is best to leave on the third day, otherwise you have to endure the drama of marriage and birth.
You want to take advantage of the holidays to have a good rest, they have a thunderous schedule, they call you breakfast before 7 o'clock; your achievements and pride cannot be shared with your parents, they only care about whether you can find a partner first...
Thinking of the sadness that parents are getting old and their children want to be raised and not waiting for them, they will also regret not spending more time with them at home, but they really get along, and they are not as beautiful as imagined.
The farthest distance in the world is the gradual distancing of children and parents.
One side grows rapidly, the other side slowly grows old, and the gap between each other from lifestyle, to interpersonal relationships, and vision cognition is getting wider and wider, and young people are suffering from not being understood and tolerated by their parents, and they do not know how to understand them and love them.
Ichiro Kishimi, the author of "The Courage to Be Hated", was busy with his work and family when he was young, and rarely contacted his father who lived alone.
Later, his father developed Alzheimer's disease and gradually forgot everything that had been important to him, Kishimi Ichiro needed to take care of his father, and his life became different.
In the process of taking care of his father, he realized the difficulties of himself and his father, and he was also thinking:
Our parents who grew up with us will eventually grow old, what can we do for them? How to improve the relationship with parents? How to be mentally prepared to accompany and accept aging parents? How to face yourself who is also slowly aging?
It takes courage to face aging, whether it is parents or yourself.
Everyone loves the vitality of children, the vitality of young people, they are like the spring and summer of life, containing hope. But everyone is destined to go to the autumn of life, will blossom and bear fruit, and will fall leaves.
In the book "The Courage to Grow Old", Kishimi Ichiro said: "The courage to face aging is a kind of courage to adjust the attitude of life, only people with mature hearts can bear the responsibility of taking care of others, and maturity requires three conditions." ”
First, recognize your own value and no longer expect your parents' evaluation and approval.
Just like my friend, she did brand public relations in Shanghai, handled several well-known projects in the industry, and she used to proudly tell her parents about her achievements, but most of the content she said could not be understood by her parents.
The criterion for her parents to evaluate whether she is good or not is from whether her grades are good or not when she is studying, to whether her salary has risen after going to work.
The deadliest disagreement is that in the eyes of parents, as long as they don't get married, they are losers.
In the early years, she was very concerned about these opinions of her parents, and slowly found that it was normal for them to live in different environments and not understand each other.
If the three views are different, we should care more about life and exchange ideas less.
Every time she comes home, she buys a lot of gifts and is willing to honor her parents, out of her heart, not to get their thanks and recognition. After no longer expecting their evaluation, the relationship became closer.
Second, think separately from your parents' affairs, and leave your own affairs to your own decisions.
When you are a child, many of your decisions are made by your parents, and when your parents are old, they need their children to make decisions for them, and their children will teach their parents how to live in the way they think is right.
But parents have developed deep-rooted habits for decades, and it is difficult to change, and whether something is beneficial or harmful to them often becomes the beginning of a quarrel.
The mother of a colleague has high blood pressure and high blood lipids, but she likes to eat greasy, very sweet food.
Every time they go home, they will quarrel over eating more vegetables and eating less meat.
Once, my mother said irritably, "I have been angry in your house all my life, and now I can't even eat anything to do the Lord?" ”
She found that habits are not only habits, but also hidden emotions behind her, making her feel that she can't do her own things, and it hurts her more than what she eats.
It is the parents themselves who decide how to spend their later years, and the so-called self-determination of their own subjects means that we can respect each other and let them choose their own lives in the way they want.
Third, get rid of self-centeredness and understand that parents do not live to meet their children's ideals and requirements.
Parents have expectations for their children, and children have expectations for their parents as well:
We hope that our parents can also spend every day happily and fully when they are old;
I hope that the old man can set an example for the younger generation, both kind and loving...
We want our parents to conform to our ideals, but in fact, we are not mature.
"I" do not need to live to meet the expectations and requirements of others, "others" do not live to meet the expectations and wishes of "me", parents are also others, and accepting real parents is the real respect.
When Kishimi Ichiro was young, his mother was hospitalized for cerebral infarction, he was still in graduate school, he took a three-month break from school to take care of his mother, and in middle age, he had to suspend his work because he was taking care of his father, who was suffering from Alzheimer's disease.
He confessed that he had also secretly complained about sacrificing his career and time to take care of his parents, and he would feel anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, and no matter how hard you tried, your parents were constantly aging.
However, if you are disturbed by these negative emotions, you will not be able to pay attention to the good side of the things in front of you.
Thinking that if his mother was sick when he was not in graduate school, but worked in the company, the cost of three months of vacation would be greater, and there was always a positive side to everything.
Fu Peirong, a professor at the Department of Philosophy at National Taiwan University, once said: When getting along with your parents, you don't have to go to your heart for everything, but what is rare is to understand each other's temper and know what is true and what is not.
His mother is very attentive and nagging, and her son, who is in his 50s, will also advise him: "The weather has changed, do you have any clothes?" Enough to wear? ”
If you think: I am already in my 50s, I am a university professor, and I don't know how to wear clothes when it is cold? The relationship with the mother will be very distant.
If you think: it is a happy thing to have an old mother in your 50s to care for, and your heart is full of gratitude, and the relationship can be very close.
The warmest and most harmonious picture of parents and children is "you grow up with me, I accompany you to grow old".
But in real life, it is not easy for adult children to get along with their parents.
Kishimi Ichiro writes in the book: "We can't experience the summer fumigation on a cold winter day, or experience the ice and snow of winter in the hot summer.
Grow old with your parents, you will truly appreciate the integrity and preciousness of life, and have a deeper understanding of your own life.
The market is full of books that teach parents how to raise a child, but there are very few books that teach children how to understand and accept their parents and how to accompany their parents to grow old.
Dr. Hailan said: "True love for parents is: respect and acceptance, clear boundaries, love for others, self-interest, self-responsibility. ”
And the best family look should be: we are independent and mature, but we love each other deeply.
Author | Kale, write other people's stories well, live your own life.
Image | Visual China