credit:steve bromberg photography
Westerners who come to Shanghai generally have a bad first impression of Chinese. They'll see pedestrians scrambling to crowd subway stations, cars speeding up red lights, and even people firing their hands in public.
Opinions vary as to what causes this rudeness. Shanghai natives blame rural migrant workers, while Westerners blame "Chinese culture" — even though "Chinese", Taiwan and Hong Kong are more civilized. But there is a deeper psychological reason behind this phenomenon: <b>group psychology has a wide influence in China. </b>In the face of friends, Chinese willing to help. But if you're facing a stranger, why not cut in line? On the one hand, it is rude to strangers, and on the other side is to care for friends and family.
Of course, there are 1.4 billion unique individuals in China, and they are only crudely labeled "China", so I can't say all of them. My conclusions only come from a few friends I made in Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Boston. But whether they are representative or not, I have learned a lot from them. So, what can a Westerner (especially a North American like me) learn from Chinese?
In China, acts of generosity are more like a polite response, like saying "please" or "thank you." This is sometimes evident, such as paying for a bill in a restaurant. But sometimes it's also subtle, like handing a napkin when someone next door gets dirty, or picking up a dish when she looks like she wants a dish. It seems that everyone is observing each other's inconveniences so that they can help in time.
It's a principle of interpersonal relationships: one should always give more than the other person needs. One weekend I went to Yixing with my colleague Dan Dan, our boss Angela, and Angela's son Ben. Because Dan Dan's mother was from Yixing and Angela was Dan Dan's boss, Dan Dan's mother politely booked a black Audi a6 and a chauffeur for us.
Before we left Shanghai, Dan Dan, Angela and the driver all brought out some snacks. But everyone brought out enough snacks for the whole car. This triggered a "courtesy war": Dan Dan took out the Happy Potato Chips. Angela refused the potato chips and took out peanut butter to mix with the cold skin. The driver refused the dim sum of the two and poured oolong tea for everyone... After a few minutes of confusion, Angela won the "polite battle", so in the end on the G2 highway everyone quietly ate peanut butter mixed with cold skin.
An hour later, Dan called to tell her mother that we had eaten and that we didn't have to prepare dinner. Her mother said, "Okay, I'll just prepare some small snacks." "But when we arrived, we learned that Dan Dan's mother was ready to take us to the best hotel in Yixing." And the "small snack" she said is actually eight plates of Yixing famous dishes, such as Taihu lake turtle, sweet lily soup, peach kernel chicken cubes, vinegar slippery mountain shoots... She even ordered a rustic salad poured with mayonnaise for me, a "foreign guest". And in the next two days, we were served 5 more such "small snacks".
When Chinese entertaining superiors, foreign guests, or romantic partners, this level of generosity is only "up to standard.". Therefore, it is expected that foreigners living in Shanghai are known for being stingy.
When I first started dating Jane, I felt uneasy. Because of those sweet love words that I really wanted to hear, she never said. Once, I went to Indonesia for a week on a business trip and finally returned to Shanghai. When I got home, Jane didn't say" or "I'm so happy to see you," but went straight to the conversation, feeling more like an ordinary encounter in the company cafeteria than a reunion after a long absence. When I told her I loved her, she just nodded expressionlessly. I began to worry: Did she love me as much as I loved her?
But at the same time, she silently showed me countless small thoughtfulness, and selflessness. She bought me shorts at old Navy. She took a picture of the two of us stupidly, put it in a picture frame decorated with rabbit ears, and gave it to me. For my birthday party, she decorated the room with balloons, bought potato chips and salads, and even arranged a wheelchair for my sprained friend to attend. She didn't seem to think that wasn't enough, and made me a delicious pesto meal with red wine and scented candles. She also painted me a painting inspired by a text message I sent her a month ago, and I almost forgot about it. She did so much for me and I was worried that she wouldn't love me because she said less!
My Chinese teacher, Su Wei, is also very considerate. Once, during Christmas, I took a train from New York to see him. Even though I only stayed for 2 hours, he would take me back and forth for 40 minutes each to take me to his new home. He gave me a book, a box of jasmine tea for my mother and a big bag of pistachios to take on the road.
Since my college days, Su Wei's house has been open to his favorite students, and he said, "This is your home!" "Whenever I visit, his wife, Liu Mengjun, always cooks a big meal to entertain me, and the bed in the guest room is always made so that I can spend the night there. At one point, I casually asked, "Is there any orange juice?" "Since then, every time I visit, there have always been large bottles of pure fruit in the refrigerator. Su Wei always actively cares about the lives of the students, and continues to support them as a friend and mentor after graduation, which is rare among my university professors. As a writer, teacher and poet, Su Wei knows better than Jane, but he still leads by action.
Chinese emphasis on action can be traced back to Confucius. The "Gentleman's Desire to Be Sensitive to Words and Actions" in the Analects of Li Ren refers to people like Jane and Su Wei.
In unfamiliar social situations, my Chinese colleagues prefer to be quiet. They're thinking, "I don't want to be the first to speak" or "I don't want to say the wrong thing." This can make the work team's lunch and tedious. To promote social interaction among employees, Melissa, our U.S. business manager, opened "Friday happy hours" in her office. But most of the employees were still not social, they took beer or popcorn, and went back to their seats.
This is almost the complete opposite of the American bravado. Americans seem to have arranged a routine for these social occasions: "Have you been doing well lately?" "What are you busy with?" "How do you want to spend the weekend?" "Americans generally don't care about the answers to these questions — sorry, Mark, no one wants to hear about your bike trip — but these routines bring people together and foster relationships."
Introverted and assertive, sincere dialogue and casual small talk, these two different sets of attitudes lead to different results. The former brings one or two true friends, and the latter brings a lot of nods. There is no such thing as a "communication network" in China, and it will be difficult to form in the future, after all, Confucius said: "It is better to have no friends than confidants." In contrast, small talk can make new friends, but when you get used to general friendship, you will find that those so-called "friends" begin to speak insincerely to you, with prickly words, gunpowder is not strong, but it is really dangerous.
(The translator can't help but complain: China does not have a network of communication? How many people can still practice Confucius's gentlemanly way now? The author is too naïve ~ but like the rude examples above, they are just features, characteristics, let's see)
Of course, China also has its own set of social entertainment routines, but it only revolves around eating, drinking, gift-giving and "polite war". Those social routines can at least build a firm consensus, if not create sincere friendships.
When I become a Chinese true friend, he or she will often be very close to me, and this closeness exists only in the West between old friends for many years. Angela, mentioned in the Yixing trip, is a senior HR manager, but she treats employees like children. She would invite dan and me to take her son on a hike, and she would often have dinner parties at home. And my Chinese teacher Su Wei knows my emotional life better than my parents.
My colleague Lincoln is an ideaty digital marketer with a pirate-like goatee. He was my swimming buddy and partner in political debate. We would go to the public swimming pool in Xuhui District together, meet each other frankly, change into swimwear, and swim for an hour or two. Afterwards we would go to a Lanzhou ramen shop to eat noodles over and over again to discuss politics and history until the last subway departure time.
My friend Charles, who has been moving to Vermont since he was 8 years old, will say slang such as "yo" and "a'ight", which seems to be typical of members of the Dartmus Brotherhood. But even Chinese-Americans like him have not lost their Chinese character. Charles would not hesitate to spend the weekend eating and drinking with his "buddies" or "sisters." Although he speaks English and stays in the United States, his form of life is still Chinese.
Whether it's Angela, Su Wei, Lincoln, or Charles, they don't have the exaggerated sentimentality that my Western friends have. They would never say, "It's so nice to see you!" "They simply invited me into the house and had a good time together.
As a special level in interpersonal relationships, love is not so much a "relationship" as a "union" in China. The ideal Shanghainese boyfriend would cook for his girlfriend, fold clothes, and pay for everything as a matter of course—something my American roommate Joe had heard about. He has a Shanghai girlfriend named Sabrina. If you want to fall in love in China, continuously boiling "WeChat porridge" is the standard, wearing couple clothes is not a strange thing, and even the concept of "love" itself has the hint of firmly moving towards marriage. Although the "yo-yo" culture in the West is widely spread, in places like Shanghai, I am afraid it will not work.
There is no deepest connection than parent-child relationship. One day, Jane asked her mother, "If I die, what will you do?" Without hesitation, or even changing her expression, her mother said, "Oh, then I would kill myself." ”
The context of our lives determines the way we treat people and things. In an environment where I grew up, people aa-based, carefully managed their time, and were shy about showing strong emotions when it wasn't critical. Unspoken rules tell us how to chat with others, how to be prickly in their words, how to say "I'm so glad to see you!" Such a statement. Unspoken rules allow us to communicate without having to make deep friends. People can be generous, but usually you need to ask for that generosity first.
The friends I've made in China have led me to question whether this is the most correct way to interact with people, or if it's the only way to do it. They tend to talk less and do more, expressing their concern with thoughtful behavior. Strangers may be separated by a high wall, but once you climb over that wall, everything can be shared.
Is there a difference between cultures? I think that when civility and courtesy trump conformist mentality, when Hongru Baiding can sit down and talk, when people still have privacy, such a culture has an advantage. In my hometown of Boston, no group is in the majority, and everyone comes from a foreign country, where this culture is particularly important. And when a person breaks free from the complex web of relationships between friends, family, and lovers, he or she can do more, become more creative, and dare to take bigger risks.
But too much individualism can make people feel lonely. So, when used properly, Chinese culture can strengthen interpersonal relationships —treat generosity as courtesy, show concern with action, replace small talk with sincerity, and give enough care to friends. In China, people support each other. And best of all, people take that support for granted. If we can become happier by caring more about others, why shouldn't we?