Author: Kapok
A few days ago, my son and I went for a walk downstairs after dinner, and suddenly smelled a pungent smell, like someone was burning something. We followed the direction of the white smoke and followed a path to the flower beds in the square, only to find a few old ladies burning paper in the corner.
My son and I went in to observe and found that the old ladies were each holding incense candles and paper money. They burned paper, and their mouths kept chanting something.
My son probably saw such a scene for the first time, and asked me with two big round eyes: "Mom, what are those grandmothers doing?" Why are they burning fires in the neighborhood? I replied to my son, "They are not burning fires, they are paying tribute to their deceased relatives and burning some paper money for them to use." ”
The son continued to ask, "Then why do they burn paper at night?" I patiently explained to my son: "Because the seventh month of the lunar calendar is commonly known as the 'ghost month', the day of July 15 is China's annual 'ghost festival', which used to be called 'Zhongyuan Festival'. People can choose to burn paper on this day or a few days before and after to pay tribute to their deceased loved ones. ”
When my son heard the words "Ghost Festival", he was not only not afraid, but asked me with a puzzled face: "Then will their relatives go to another world like your grandmother after death?" I thought about it, crouched down and said to him seriously, "Son, you're right, they're all going to another world..."
Psychologists say: Your perception of death is your attitude toward life. Adults and children talking about this topic, whether it is glorification or avoidance, will distort children's perception of "death" and even affect their perception of life and even the universe. So, are you doing the right thing to talk to your child about "death"?
In the children's picture book "Grandpa Becomes a Ghost", Aspen is a little boy in kindergarten. His favorite person in life was Grandpa Holger. One day, Grandpa died of a sudden heart attack while walking on the street, and he felt very sad and confused.
Mom told him that "Grandpa turned into an angel and went to heaven", and Dad told him that "Grandpa went underground and became dirt", such an explanation Aspen could not imagine and understand at all, in his heart, Grandpa did not really leave him, he could not give up his attachment to Grandpa.
In life, many adults will comfort their children like Esben's parents, self-righteously throwing their children an "heavenly" answer, thinking that the children can calm down.
In fact, the romanticized and mystified interpretation style of adults on "death" cannot fundamentally eliminate children's doubts, but will make children more confused and confused, especially for children who have just lost their loved ones.
Psychologists believe that death when the veil is removed will make the child feel that he has been deceived before.
"Beautify death", the parents' will is good, but the result is not necessarily the result. For young children, this statement of adults may allow children to believe that it is true, and even have an infinite vision of "death", fantasizing that dead relatives can also live a happy life in heaven.
However, children will grow up day by day, and white lies will always be exposed one day. When children go to junior high school and high school, they have a new cognition and understanding of death, and what you call "people will die in heaven" has become a lie that cannot be justified.
"Why should people die?" "Where do people go after they die?"
When children flash doubtful eyes and put these problems in front of their parents, we often choose to avoid them in order to cover up the sadness in our hearts. When the child mentions "death", we divert the child's attention and take the opportunity to divert the topic in an attempt to keep the child from touching and facing the truth of death.
We think that isolating the child from death is the protection of the child, but in fact this is the greatest harm to the child. Psychological studies have shown that the more children do not understand death, the more anxiety and fear they will have about death.
On 17 May 2017, the World Health Organization (WHO) released its World Health Statistics 2017 report. According to the report, about 56 million patients died globally in 2015, of which 40 million deaths were due to chronic noncommunicable diseases, accounting for 70% of all deaths. The top four causes of death are cardiovascular disease, cancer, chronic respiratory disease and diabetes. Others "actively choose" to die — about 800,000 commit suicides each year.
Such a huge amount of data means that death can occur around children anytime and anywhere, and death education is inevitable.
01 First of all, allow children to participate in the "death ceremony"
I have a female colleague whose husband died of liver cancer a few years ago and whose son was five years old at the time. For so many years, she had never taken her child to her husband's cemetery, and even that year, mr. husband's funeral had not been attended by her children.
She sealed all the belongings and even photographs of her husband in the house and did not let the children touch them. Colleagues thought that their actions had been protecting the child, but they did not expect that the child would meet the father in a constant nightmare.
S found me and I recommended a counselor friend who helped the child through a farewell ceremony with his father during the consultation, after which the child never had many nightmares.
Humans have an innate tendency to get things done and their needs met. However, this is an unattainable ideal, resulting in one unmet need in life, which is called an "unfinished event" in psychology. It should be emphasized that the "unfinished event" on the psychological level is only a complex.
For the child of S, the failure to say goodbye to his father is an "unfinished event" in his heart, and this unmet expectation is presented through the subconscious - "dreaming" way.
Therefore, allowing children to participate in mourning ceremonies is to meet the emotional needs of children to a certain extent, and it is also a way to connect children's lives with the lives of the deceased.
02 Secondly, parents artificially create some opportunities to talk about "death" with their children
In addition to the Qingming Festival, July and a half, taking children to visit the grave, and holding a ceremony to pay tribute to relatives, we can also create some more opportunities, such as reading with children or taking children to see movies during holidays. When discussing with their children, parents should not avoid or avoid the word "death".
In Disney's animated film "Dream Quest", people just go to another world to live after they die, and he is forgotten by all the people who are alive, which is the real death.
I agree with such a loving interpretation, because behind such an explanation is not only the fear of people facing death, but also the love and warmth between people. Let the child enjoy such a film, he will have a deeper understanding of death, and he will have a deeper understanding of the beauty of love.
03 Finally, share memories and emotions and adjust your emotions
Studies have shown that sharing stories and memories of deceased loved ones helps heal grief as a whole.
For example, usually when children miss their deceased relatives, accompany them to see more photos, and accompany them into the world of memories to relive the beauty of that memory.
For example, if you take your child to the cemetery, the child suddenly asks, "I don't remember what Grandpa looked like, will Grandpa still miss me when he is buried in the ground?" At this time, you can talk to the child about the funny things about the grandfather before he died, or talk about the grandfather in the child's memory.
After sharing, if you and your child have sad emotions, you must remember to grasp the scale of sharing, and the amount of information should not be too large. The most important thing is that adults should comfort the child in time, such as hugging the child, giving him more emotional attention and emotional guidance, and at the same time, taking care of themselves.
Death can not escape, there is no escape, may every parent respect life itself, pay attention to the "death education" of their children!