I always felt that I had high emotional intelligence, until a few years ago, I found out that I was a flattering personality, so how to distinguish between flattery and high emotional intelligence?
The difference is that people with high emotional intelligence delight others, and by the way, they are happy with themselves, and what they gain is a sense of accomplishment. And to please is to please others, first give up yourself, and reap the sense of security. Are you the former or the latter?
01
The book "The Courage to Be Hated" tells us that the reason why we please others is actually because we are too afraid of being hated. And we are afraid of being hated because we are afraid of not being recognized, of getting hurt in relationships.
Therefore, by pleasing others and forming emotional alliances, avoiding the target of attack, so as to obtain a relaxed interpersonal environment for yourself.
When a person in the process of pleasing or satisfying others, naturally will get others' good feelings, good attitudes, and even good evaluations, and it is indeed very pleasing to be recognized by others, and they will also feel valued and have a sense of accomplishment. These benefits can certainly help us eliminate the feeling of inferiority and increase self-confidence. But does it really need to be recognized? not necessarily.
For example, if the trash cans in your office are full, you take the initiative to dump them, but no one around notices this, or even if they do, no one says a word of thanks or praise. So, will you continue to pour in the future?
The answer of many people is that maybe not in the future.
The danger of the desire for approval is here. Do you do it for the sake of recognition, or do you want to do it yourself? What's more, it is very painful and unconfident without recognition, and such a personality is not sound.
02
People with flattering personalities will have such a restrictive belief that only by being recognized by others can they appreciate "their own value".
In fact, as long as it exists, it has value. Please don't use the "behavior" standard but use the "existence" standard to look at yourself and others. Don't judge what you've done, but be happy and thankful for your own and others' very existence.
It is an indisputable fact that we are already useful and valuable to others simply because we "exist here." Whose existence is not a value to the family? Moreover, you can also find your own unique sense of value from yourself, which is the key to getting rid of the flattering personality.
Adler, the "father of modern self psychology," once said: All troubles stem from relationships. The pursuit of the approval of others kills our freedom.
In relationships, the price of freedom is being hated by others. However, please do not forget that the courage to attain happiness also includes the "courage to be hated".
No one wants to be hated, but no one can make everyone like it. More important than being liked is to live for yourself and make yourself better. Once you have this courage, your relationship will suddenly become easier.
If in front of me there are two ways to choose between "life that everyone likes" and "life that some people hate themselves", I will definitely choose the latter without hesitation. Because I care more about how I live than how others see me.
I am XiaJiujiu, pay attention to me, both grow and achieve things.