Author | Shi Qingyan
Love that is too pure, beyond gender
1
For a long time, my heart was too noisy to watch commercial films that were interlocked around conspiracies, but I had a fondness for clean literary films.
I like to use the word "clean", and when I am in a bad mood, I have seen "Heidi and Grandpa", "Robot Story", "The Taste of Cherries", "Walk with Me", "Please Call Me by Your Name", or heavy, or brisk, or bright, about friendship, love, death.
This "cleanness" seems to be able to briefly fight against all the noise of the world, the heart is gently tapped, and then there is a force from the center of the heart to erect, break through the resistance, spiral up. Inexplicable feelings can warm you, can make you believe something, and then you will continue to clench your little fists and float on this planet in a state of absolute solitude.
Director Luca Guadagnino took me to Italy in the 1980s, a very common summer, on a night when cicadas could be heard, a 17-year-old boy in bed said to the 24-year-old boy, "Please call me by your name, I will call you by my name." "I like you, so I put my heart and my name together with you for safekeeping, and after the exchange, it is not integrated, you see, a lifetime is not so difficult." 」
The 17-year-old boy, Elio, lives in Italy and was born in Shuxiangmendi to humanities parents. They have Jewish ancestry, which is something they deliberately hide from mentioning. Elio had read many books, but sometimes he felt that none of them made sense.
It wasn't until one summer, when he met Oliver, that he smelled a little meaning in life, as if it were love. Looking at Oliver, Elio's eyes flickered, and the skies that summer were blue and not very real.
Each summer, Elio's parents select a young scholar to instruct him in revising his manuscripts and provide free accommodation, while young scholars only need to spend an hour or so a day helping with letters and documents.
Oliver was the young scholar he visited that summer, from Columbia University in the United States, knowledgeable, conceited, muscular, and always wearing a six-pointed star around his neck, symbolizing Jewish identity.
Two people are love at first sight, but in that era, homosexual love is difficult to get on the table. Liked it, but the other party didn't know. At that time, Elio, who was new to love, also repeatedly confirmed his sexual orientation in his heart.
2
In the obsession, entanglement, temptation, gambling, hesitation, they wasted a lot of time, but also determined the weight in each other's hearts. There are enough hormones floating in the air to pluck the strings of summer.
After affirming his love, Elio wore a six-pointed star necklace symbolizing Jewish identity for the first time, and his mind was simple, as if his lover was wearing a promise ring. Or maybe he was infected by some traits in Oliver, and admitted that he was a Jew, which seemed less unbearable.
When watching movies, you will put yourself into the field of love, longing, simple, happy, and beautiful. Because Oliver left a note saying "Come and see him at midnight", Elio happily circled around the spot like a child who got candy. Then I took my watch, anticipated and nervously waited for midnight to come, and the time suddenly passed so slowly that it could not be passed.
I still can't help but miss the days before Oliver left Italy. The extremely inclusive parents, fearing that Elio was too sad, offered to let Elio and Oliver travel together for a few days.
Freed from the acquaintance society, the two are like wild horses that have lost their reins, and they enjoy themselves in the world. They climbed the mountain together, the wind lifting the ends of their hair, running with excitement, like a very free look. How nice it would be if their love could be recognized by the world.
Oliver will have to go after all, just like the best summer will eventually end. At the train station, Elio sent Oliver away strongly, but he could not go home strongly, he endured sadness to call his mother to let his mother come to pick him up, on the return trip, in the small space, Elio finally couldn't stop crying sadly, sadness filled the air, and also crossed the screen and landed in the hearts of the viewers, and grabbed it without knowing the pain.
Elio's mother smoked a cigarette and looked out the car window without saying a word. His parents were always like this, guiding, tolerant, not alarmed, and they watched as people who came over, providing harbor and companionship when needed.
Will he come back when the summer is over, will Oliver come back when he leaves?
3
Winter arrived as scheduled, and they had not been in touch for a long time. On Hanukkah day, Oliver called, and Elio picked up his phone cautiously and nervously. He hasn't heard from him for so long, is he doing okay?
Oliver was doing well and brought good news of his impending engagement to a lady. Oliver said, "You're so lucky that my father would have taken me to the correctional facility if he had known about us." ”
At a distance, Elio held the phone and looked down and repeatedly called, "Elio, Elio, Elio..."
Oliver on the other end of the phone replied, "Oliver, I remember everything." ”
Hearing this, Elio smiled both sadly and happily, and there should have been a moment of relief.
Hanging up the phone, Elio crouched by the fireplace, his back to everyone, crying silently until the end of the movie. The fire was very hot, and this Hanukkah was also very festive, but it seemed that it had nothing to do with him.
There will be a return after the summer, and Oliver may come back after leaving, but he will never bring back the love between them.
Falling in love with Oliver, Elio put on a six-pointed star necklace, and he admitted that he was Jewish, and he also broke through the religious doctrine to admit that he was gay, which was a bravery. But Oliver wasn't as brave as he seemed, and he ran away, choosing to survive under the worldly skin.
Elio's father said to him, "How you live your life is your own business, you just have to remember that god has given us mind and body only once, and your heart is exhausted before you understand it." As for your body, no one wants to look at it again, no one wants to approach it, and now, you are full of sadness, pain, don't let these pains disappear, and don't lose the happiness you feel. ”
Don't choose to escape, above the body, with a third eye to care for their current emotions, whether pain or pleasure is a proof of self-existence, all experienced is precious, can give us a part of the strength to walk the rest of the way.
That sweltering summer wasn't long at all, and the two men were in love with each other, chasing after time. But it seems to have nothing to do with two men, just love, poignantly painted on the wall of Italy in the 1980s. I was a mere mortal, and I happened to pass by and catch a glimpse.
Give me a glass of wine, I want to toast the stars
About the author: Shi Qingyan, the square post-90s, is not a woman like the wind, but a woman who can't turn back when the wind shouts. I write and accompany you to buy drunk.
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