Have you ever had an experience like this:
For those who are not good at work, they would rather spend a few hours to study and solve it than ask for help from colleagues who are good at it, which may only need to delay him for five minutes;
Arriving at a strange place, unfamiliar with the destination, due to shyness to ask for directions, resulting in a long and unjust road, wasted nearly 20 minutes;
There is also going out to forget to bring a mobile phone, there is an emergency phone to call, can not borrow a mobile phone from strangers, but found that the palms of the hands are sweating, nervous to death, the whole person is terrible;
If you encounter discomfort on the bus, you would rather resist or wait for a well-meaning person to voluntarily give up your seat than ask for help from others;
Even a trivial matter, asking for directions, borrowing a mobile phone, etc., honestly speaking, will make many people feel very uncomfortable, even seriously frightening, and then refuse to ask for help!
However, today's work is high-intensity dependent on cooperative relationships, no matter who it is, it is impossible to rely on their own to achieve success, so recourse is an essential skill in the current society.
The book "How to Ask for Help Properly" by Heidi Grant, a Doctor of Social Psychology in the United States, tells us how to ask for help properly with humorous and insightful stories, so that your friends, family, colleagues, and even strangers will willingly help you.
It can be said that this book is for those of us who can't, dare not or even don't want to ask for help, so now let's see what this book says!
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="10" > wrong thinking about asking for help</h1>
Psychologist Milgram did an experiment 50 years ago to organize students to randomly ask others to give up their seats on the subway in New York City.
The good news is that 68% are willing to give up their seats, while the bad news is that participants find it extremely uncomfortable, painful, and even pale, short of breath, and dizzy when asking people for help.
This is the case with "why we are afraid to ask for help", and Heidi Grant believes that the root cause is that people feel threatened by "five threats", namely:
When we ask for help, we need to lower our body, and our status is threatened;
After the request is sent, it is not known how the other party will respond, and the certainty is threatened;
In the face of each other's response, we can only passively accept, and our autonomy is threatened;
If the other party refuses, the relationship between the two is threatened;
Because the other party refuses, in terms of fairness, it will also feel threatened.
And when we ask people for help, it means that we have to suffer from these five threats at the same time, so people do their best to avoid asking for help.
Some people are afraid to ask for help, thinking that it will bring inconvenience and burden to the helpers, so they refuse, but in fact we think wrong, we are extremely underestimating the possibility of people to help.
In fact, people are more helpful than we think, and helping people can bring many benefits, such as it can improve the mood, make people shine, make the world not look so bad, and so on.
The book also mentions a lot of ideas that subvert our inertial thinking, and these views should be some good news for the seeker. First: We have always thought that the people who rejected us in the past were unwilling to help at that time, and now they are even less likely to help us. In fact, people who have rejected us in the past are more likely to help us, because rejecting people can actually make people feel uncomfortable and feel that they are a bad person.
Experiments have proved that the first time people can use reasons such as "I'm busy" and "I'm unwell" to excuse it, but the second time it will become difficult, so it is difficult to refuse to ask for help once, and it is almost impossible to refuse twice.
Second: People prefer the people they've helped. This means that the person who has helped you in the past will spare no effort to help you. This is because if you refuse to help, it will cause inconsistencies or contradictions in personality, which will lead to cognitive dissonance and cause self-discomfort or anxiety.
Third: the right kind of help will make the other party feel good. Because we are not good at asking for help, we do not know how to ask for help, sometimes some clumsy ways of asking for help will offend the helper and make people reluctant to help you.
Think about how you feel when someone asks you for help, and she keeps apologizing to you, telling you, "I'm so sorry to ask you, or it's so bad that I have to bother you..." If it were you, how would you feel, did you feel coerced, even if you had to help, you wanted to end this matter as soon as possible.
In addition to this non-stop apology, there is also a reminder that others owe you human feelings must help you, emphasize that others like to help you, etc., are the wrong way to ask for help, usually inevitably will cause a sense of alienation between people.
And today's society, whether it is life, or work, can not be separated from dealing with people, and asking for help from others, or to provide help to others is inevitable, rather than different, offending people, it is better to learn the correct way to help, so as to achieve a win-win situation between helpers and helpers!
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="29" > second, how to correctly seek help</h1>
Think about when you arrive at the office and see a colleague, with a box full of documents in one hand and a coffee in the other, staggering toward his desk, will you offer to help?
You see a colleague frowning at the screen thinking of a solution, will you ask for help?
No, is that your indifference? No, because they didn't ask you for help. If you need help, first let your needs be seen, which is the first step to the right way to ask for help.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="33" > the first step: to let the helper see that you may need help</h1>
In this society, everyone is very busy, everyone will not have so much leisure to pay attention to every detail around them, people will only put more energy into themselves, or things related to themselves, so when you need to get what you want to help from others, you first have to make sure that the helper can see your needs.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="35" > the second step: the helper needs to know that you are eager for help</h1>
The book mentions an experiment in which when a man physically assaults a girl in public, when the woman shouts "I don't know you," it is estimated that 65% of bystanders will move forward to stop the attack, but only 19% will intervene when the woman continues to shout, "I don't know why I want to marry you."
According to research, the privacy effect of the family can prevent us from helping those in need, after all, most people are not willing to interfere in other people's housework. Therefore, when you encounter difficulties, such as domestic violence, the most direct way is to directly ask others for help and take the initiative to say what you need, so that the helper will be more certain of what help you need, such as calling the police.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="38" > the third step: the helper needs to take responsibility for helping you</h1>
In 1964, there was a murder in the downtown area of New York, the United States, and a girl named Genovese was killed by gangsters with a knife on the way home. And within 30 minutes of the crime, Genovese called several times, 38 neighbors heard her call for help, and some even witnessed the process of partial attack, but no one came out to help her.
This is known as the "bystander effect" or "responsibility dispersion effect," and the more people who can help, the less clear they are who should help. So those 38 neighbors, are they insensitive?
Some psychologists say no, but people are confused about who should bear this responsibility, the helper knows that the girl needs help, but why does he have to help?
In life or movies, we often see such a plot: one person may have fainted on the ground in an accident, and another person hugged him, scared, anxious and crying, shouting to the crowd: "Help me lay down 120." However, someone acted immediately, and the correct way at this time was to designate a person and ask him to help call.
In the future, when encountering similar situations, blind and broad help is no one will help, and you must be clear and clear who to call for help.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="44" > the fourth step: the helper needs to provide help within their ability</h1>
Remember that your needs aren't the only thing for the helper to consider, and everyone has their own life and work that needs to be busy. So when asking for help, be clear about your needs and how much time and effort they will take.
In addition, to control your own needs within a reasonable range, you need a little help, rather than letting others do the whole thing. Finally, you also have to accept the help that you don't want, and maybe the helper only gives you a compromise solution, and we should also be grateful.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="47" > third, strengthen the correct posture for help</h1>
Believe it or not, when you ask someone for help, you're doing them a big favor. Knowing that helping others is a human instinct, we only need to use three reinforcement methods to motivate people to volunteer, help people happily, and even create a culture of helping others.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="49" > the first reinforcing sense of group</h1>
In general, we care more about the feelings of family, colleagues, friends, etc., and it is easier to help people who are in the same organization as ourselves. We can use these ways to emphasize group consciousness and enhance the desire to help others by "being together", having common goals, finding common enemies or having common experiences.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="51" > the second type of reinforced identity</h1>
That is, when we feel good about ourselves when we are helping others, or are respected by others for helping others, etc., these can make people more willing to help people.
In addition, when people are threatened, they will instinctively and unconsciously show that they are not friendly to others; and when compared with others, they like to compare people who are inferior to themselves, or people who are worse than themselves, which are all manifestations of self-identity.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="54" > the third type of reinforcement effectiveness</h1>
Generally people hope that their help can bring results to people, and as a result, can help people solve problems. But when people see that their efforts aren't having any effect on people, it loses motivation and, in the long run, leads to clinical level helplessness and depression.
The above three ways to strengthen the help, if not, people will also help you, but you will get more and more limited help in the future.
Don't be superstitious about asking for help than asking for yourself, and don't be afraid of asking for help. Asking for help is really not as difficult as we expected, and the right time for help is not a bad thing for us.
I believe that this book "How to Ask for Help Properly" can make you an easy helper!