Mr. Jin Yong has a sentence in the "Book of Swords and Enmity":
"Deep affection is not longevity, strong is humiliating, humble gentleman, gentle as jade."
This means that feelings that are too devoted and persistent will die prematurely, and people who are too competitive will sooner or later humiliate themselves.
For everything in this world, the most taboo is a "full" word, and the feelings between people are even more so.
No matter how close the two people are, if they don't know how to measure up and pay with their hearts and lungs, they will only push each other farther and farther.
Loved too deeply
It was a disaster
In the emotional observation program "Gold Medal Mediation", there was such a mediation case.
Daughter Xiaomao, because she could not stand the restraint of her mother Ms. Jane in the name of love, broke out several fierce quarrels with her mother, and even had a physical conflict with her mother when she was extremely angry.
In the end, Xiao Mao moved out alone.
When questioned by the mediator, she listed her mother's various "controlling behaviors":
To make ordinary friends, the mother must first measure whether the other party's "hard conditions" are good enough to interact with her daughter;
During the relationship, the mother should stipulate the number of times she meets with her boyfriend and the time to go home;
Eating with colleagues also requires giving videos and photos of your mother to prove that you are "not lying";
Because of his mother's discipline, he is still single at the age of 32...
Later, the daughter could not stand the control of her mother, and the contradiction between the two broke out after an argument, and the physical conflict caused the mother to hurt her hand.
The mother cried and said to the mediator:
"I did everything for her good, but she didn't understand or appreciate it."
In the words of observer Xu Jingsi:
"Love is equal, and your excessive love will only make the other party have a rebellious psychology."
Who is right and who is wrong between Xiao Mao and his mother, I do not make an evaluation.
The mother's behavior reminds me of a term in psychology called "giving personality."
People with this kind of personality often habitually give, and even forget their own lives and needs.
When his love and care exceed the limits of what the other person can bear, it will make people feel uncomfortable.
There is a sentence in Rodin's Lover:
"I just can't understand whether it's harder to love or harder to endure."
Loving others too full will hurt, and being loved too much by others is also a disaster.
All feelings of love that are too full
None of them can go to the end
In the movie "Twelfth Night", there is such a bridge section.
Jenny, the flight attendant played by Cecilia Cheung, went to help her boyfriend Ah Lan finish the repaired computer late at night, stood downstairs in the company, etc., but found that because of his busy work, his boyfriend, who had not met with him for a long time, was about to go to dinner with his colleagues.
Ah Lan saw that she did not show a look of surprise, but somewhat blamed her for disturbing herself.
In those days when they didn't meet, she never stopped thinking about him—
She couldn't resist sending him a message halfway through a party with friends;
On the way home from work, I also want to go to his studio to accompany him, but I am afraid that he will feel that he is in trouble;
She couldn't resist calling him again and again just to confirm:
"Do you want me?" How much do you want to? Are you tired of me? ”
She thought that she had done so much, but he did not appreciate it at all, and in anger, she questioned the other party:
"Why don't you ever understand what I'm doing for you?"
Ah Lan said, "I didn't ask you to do so many things, why did you do so much?" ”
Jenny yelled, "Because I hurt you, isn't it like this to hurt someone?" ”
Ah Lan said:
"It doesn't hurt a person like this, and I can call the secretary to get the computer."
I'm really busy and I've been working, so why do you always call to question my whereabouts and question whether I love you or not? ”
Her boyfriend's words broke her down on the spot.
It turned out that her frequent phone calls were a distraction, and all she had to give only two people more and more tired.
The "heart and lungs" style of pay, in the end only touched themselves.
Zhou Guoping said:
"I think a good partnership should be one that does not restrict the other person's freedom with a heart of trust, and at the same time does not abuse one's own freedom with a cherished heart, which is the best relationship."
Love also needs to follow the "law of conservation", when one of the parties invests too much, the balance of love will be unbalanced, and it will unconsciously become harsh on the lover - can't help but think about their own efforts, can't help but be harsh on the other party's love in return.
It not only restricts the freedom of the other party, but also bitters its own heart.
Any good feeling does not rely on "digging out the heart and lungs" to achieve it.
Because people who desperately take out their hearts and lungs will only end up sad and hurt their lungs.
A healthy relationship is that you know how to be considerate of him, work busy without disturbing, he knows how to take the initiative to care about your emotions and ask your mood, and both people have found enough trust and security in this relationship.
Such feelings are the most comfortable and long-lasting.
True love
Not by wronging yourself
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said a sentence that made people instantly sober:
"In a marriage relationship, simple givers are actually not great, and their efforts regardless of gain or loss are fundamentally narcissistic.
More often, the disintegration of a marriage, the giver is often the initiator. ”
Without a good relationship, it is achieved through the payment of gains and losses and the grievances of oneself.
The heroine of the Japanese drama "Firelight" Xiao Ying, every day after returning home from work, will eagerly change into dirty clothes, randomly tie her hair, and then lie on the ground with peace of mind as a "dried fish girl".
Later, she met the person who made her heart move, Makoto Teshima, and in order to make the other party like her, she couldn't wait to turn herself into the other person's favorite.
In order to lose weight, she runs in the heavy rain; in order to show her side at home, she prepares bento boxes for each other every day...
Day after day, she wronged herself for doing things she didn't want to do, so much so that she was lying in the same bed with each other, but she couldn't sleep at night, and she could only keep reading cartoons until dawn.
The little home that originally made her feel warm and sweet, but now it made her more and more suffocated.
Her mental state is getting worse and worse, more and more detached from her original self, and the love of her opponent Makoto Shima has gradually joined the resentment and dissatisfaction, and finally the two people can only be separated.
In a relationship, women often choose to express their love by sacrificing themselves:
Do not pay attention to sports events, but stay up late to watch the ball with him;
I was also tired from working, but I still insisted on cooking for him every day;
Reluctant to buy yourself a new dress, but also take the initiative to buy him new leather shoes...
People who do not know how to love themselves often give the taste of grievances, because she will count all the grievances she has suffered on the other party:
"I've done this to you, so why don't you treat me the same way?" Why can't you be more considerate of me? ”
Zhang Jiajia said in "Passing Through Your World":
"Take care of yourself and love yourself to love others."
Taking care of yourself is not only about taking care of your own body, but also about taking care of your emotions.
Equal love that is willingly given can make neither person burdened.
All feelings need "degrees"
In the "Vegetable Root Tan", it is said: "A gentleman dwells in a rather dwelling place, and prefers to live in a lack of dwelling than in the end." ”
This means that a wise man would rather be lacking in everything than let it be too complete.
Everything needs to be left blank, and all feelings need to be controlled.
Caring too much about a person will often grasp the scale of bad love, forget their importance, and bring trouble to the other party.
A good feeling is to pull open and pull continuously.
Too late, too fast to reach. If you are too close, you will be disgusted by love.
Everyone should leave a proper blank space in the feelings, and love "just right" is the best state of the feelings.