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01
Haruki Murakami: "I am what I am, not someone else, and this is an important asset for me." The wound of the soul is the price that man has to pay to the world for this self-reliance. ”
From the perspective of individual development, it is a good thing for everyone to do themselves, and only in this way can they grow into an independent individual. However, the more independent the individual, the more it will appear to be different; the more it has its own personality, the more it can see the difference between itself and others, and between this difference, there is often unpleasantness, you want to continue to insist on being yourself, you need to make trade-offs, you can't feel sorry for giving up, because this is the sacrifice and price that you should pay.
Some people are confused, both want to be themselves and want to cater to the world, these two things can be taken care of in some ways, but many times there is no way to take care of them, you hate everything about a person, it is impossible to like everything about him at the same time.
In this way, the things of the world are not so complicated, the complexity is the human heart, and when people think of the problems as complicated, the world becomes complicated. In fact, things are still those things, and treating them with a complex eye is completely different from treating them with a simple eye. The following woman's emotional experience can illustrate this problem:
"Finally came to the stage of talking about marriage and marriage, I thought that everything would go well, prayed that nothing would go wrong, but the sky did not go according to people's wishes, and when it came to money and houses, I had a conflict with him for the first time.
I thought we were genuinely in love, but when it came to specific interests, I found that I had always loved him unilaterally, and he, just pretending to love me, although he agreed to buy a house, but he was unwilling to add my name: "Why do you want to add your name to the house I bought?" ”
I was confused all of a sudden, because I had never thought about this bridge, and I had already determined in my heart that he would buy a house, add my name, and live a good life with me.
When I said , "You can not add, I can also not marry", he turned his face. Since talking about money and house, he has turned his face more and more frequently, saying that he can't add my name, saying that he can't believe me, worrying about my calculations, worrying about the house adding my name, I will divorce him and divide the house.
If we don't have an emotional basis, I can understand him having such concerns. The problem is that we have so many years of emotional foundation, but he still can't believe me, so it seems that his usual sweet words are lies, winning my trust, but I have no trust, if this is true love, I would rather not.
Next more sad, I couldn't bear to break up, he began to cry and cry, saying that I broke up with him when talking about marriage and marriage was his life, it was deliberately to let him live as a joke, put me in the situation of "breaking up is not, not breaking up is not", not understanding my feelings, but also asking me to care about his feelings, really too selfish.
I'm not soft-hearted, and I can't ignore my feelings because I care about his feelings. I had already decided that he didn't really love me, and I gave him a continuation, clearly to find guilt for himself. What I need is someone who truly loves me, and all he does is remind me to break up and change people quickly, this path is suitable for me to go, I can't hesitate."
02
From the perspective of the woman in front of herself, the concept of marriage and love she held before she recognized the true face of her ex was her own performance, that is, the "I am what I am" mentioned earlier. However, the self she insists on has the problem of self-righteousness, and her cognition of love stays at a self-righteous level, only identifying that she has encountered true love, but not specifically judging whether the person she loves really loves her.
The problem that arises here is not that she "bes herself" is incompatible with the world, but that she is not perfect enough about herself, her concept of marriage and love is too simple, she is too simple in terms of feelings, just look at the surface, only listen to the sweet words of men to determine true love, which is not advisable.
Her disappointment with her boyfriend when talking about marriage, and finding out through money that her boyfriend did not really love her, which was inconsistent with the true love she needed, and the wound to her soul at this time was the price that Haruki Murakami said that people paid for their own self-reliance. Translated into the vernacular: if you choose to be someone who trusts others easily, you have to bear the price that someone you trust may disappoint you.
This is also the problem that everyone often hears of "willing to gamble and lose", whether it is love or marriage, from the moment you voluntarily decide to start, you agree with your own concept of marriage and love, and you think that there is no problem with the feelings you choose. Since you have identified it yourself, and then found that there is a problem, you must also be able to accept it. You must also accept that you can further improve your own problems and make your future relationships smoother.
03
There is a saying in the book "Emotional Violence": "When you bind each other in a way that emphasizes love, interpersonal relationships become extremely complicated." ”
The reason is very simple, if someone has a hostile face and says that you hate people like you the most, you will not hide it, and you will directly fight back that you also hate people like him the most. Although this kind of interpersonal relationship is very annoying, it is very direct, not tortuous, but easy to deal with.
And if the other party uses the "way of emphasizing love", through emotional threats to ask you, such as the previous woman's ex said that breaking up is equivalent to his life, although the threat is hidden, but put invisible pressure on her, because his subtext is to say: "You break up with me will take my life, if I die, you hurt, you think about the consequences yourself!" If you don't want to bear this crime, you'd better stay by my side and don't know how to lift! ”
Many people will be bound by such emotional violence, worried that their choice to break up or divorce will cause the other party to think of each other, so they begin to be soft-hearted, because they care about each other's feelings and grievances themselves. No one will be happy because of this wronged themselves, and then they will want to leave again and again, and if they are always ruthless, they will be firmly bound by the other party.
There is a fact that people who have made mistakes themselves and are going to die when they hear that the other person is going to break up or divorce are just blackmailing each other and will not do the things they lie about. Besides, if you make a mistake and don't allow the other party to leave, keep the other party in a threatening way, instead of conquering the other party with love, it proves the incompetence of this kind of person, staying by such a person's side is not good for you, I hope you understand.