Once again alone walking in the familiar street, the same vendors shouting on the side of the street, the same crowds bustling, the same road with the same me exuding sadness. I used to like to walk with my head up, but now I keep my head down and don't make a sound. I opened the same door and closed it gently as usual, without any sound. The tears could no longer be contained, and they collapsed in an instant. Sometimes I laugh at myself, a person who has reached the age of talking about marriage, why is he still so angry.
In fact, there is a saying that is quite correct, the greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment. I struggled hard, and I often fantasized about my success, about holding her in my arms, about others adoring me. But the reality is that again and again, I have been poured the coldest cold water on me by others.
Perhaps, the biggest weakness of my life is that I am too gentle and too concerned about other people's opinions. I'm afraid of upsetting others because of my wishful thinking; I'm afraid of being accused of being wrong; I'm afraid of others getting angry at me... Or maybe it's not that I don't like her anymore, but I'm afraid that if I get closer again, it will make the wall that was already separated thicker.
Whenever I look back on the past, I look at myself who won the provincial championship in the game, look at myself who won the first place in the English competition, look at the self who sat in the radio room and read the article, look at the self who showed himself on the stage, and looked at the envious self standing at the door of SM Entertainment, I want to ask, has the original wish been realized?
All achievements can only prove your past. And now I am just an ordinary person, but a sad person who is frustrated at work, frustrated in love, and frustrated in life. I remembered a sentence I wrote before, "In this great world, I don't know how many people cry alone every day, nor do I know how many people are borrowing wine to dispel their sorrows", and then I thought that in fact, I can add another sentence later, and I don't know how many people are living strongly.
I think my greatest luck is that I have seen life and death parting, I have seen me cheating, but I have always had a gentle character. I gave myself the pen name Sunshine in the hope that I would become a sunny and cheerful person. But people always show what they lack more and more, and I never seem to have real sunshine. The daily grin and fearlessness are nothing more than a disguise for myself, and when I take off this layer of skin, I am like a raw egg that has been shelled. I admit that my psychology has always been unhealthy, and depression has been tormenting me. Maybe it's because every time I make a choice that can't make people happy, like the person I like knows that they can't be together, but stubbornly insists on hitting the south wall. How can you be so sunny and happy after torturing yourself year after year.
Since I gradually understood things, the most unacceptable thing was to see people who had suffered, especially the elderly. I still remember when I was in elementary school, there was often an old grandmother begging on the street at the school gate, and I rarely had pocket money when I went to school, and then I thought of a way, every day when I went out, I asked the family for a dollar, so after half a month, the grandmother disappeared. I ran all over the street and didn't find her again, and when I came home that night and cried all night, I cried like a flower cat and asked my parents if my grandmother would be gone, if she would be hungry because I didn't help her, if she would be hungry and cold...
Suddenly remembering that I had met an elderly grandmother in the village selling duck eggs on the street, she was faltering, her clothes were patched with countless patches, and she asked me in a weak voice: "Boy, do you want to buy duck eggs?" "Because I forgot my wallet in the car, I turned around and went back to get it, but when I came back, I couldn't find the grandmother, because I regretted it for a long time, thinking that if I was careful at that time, I could help her."
Life is a long road, everyone will cry alone, everyone will borrow wine to dispel sorrows, everyone is living strongly. Where is the future of those who have endured hardships in mortal dust but are still gentle? When will the person who can accompany them and protect their hearts appear? If you know, please tell me, why are those gentle people who can't always be treated gently?