Recently, Fu Seoul participated in a program, and one of the speeches caused everyone to discuss, "All native families have problems."
Anyone who knows her knows that Fu Seoul's childhood was full of ups and downs, her parents divorced from childhood, and she lived with her mother in a rice bar with rats.
The economy is even more stretched, but fortunately, Fu Seoul has lived the life he wants with his own efforts.
In the show, she said that she can't blame all the problems on the original family, or rely on her own efforts, and she is also the executor of words and deeds.
This time, the views have caused a heated discussion on the Internet, mainly divided into two camps.
One side agrees with Fu Seoul's view that we recognize that the original family has an impact on the child.
But as adults, we can also alleviate this harm through effort and healing, and there is no need to blame all the failures on the original family.
Every family has a difficult scripture, and what we have to do is to strengthen ourselves and strive to move upwards.
There are also some netizens who disagree, they believe that Fu Seoul said this because his original family was not very hurt.
People who are really serious, they suffer at an age when they shouldn't, or can't afford to.
This leads to irritability, depression, and even a tendency to hurt others and self.
In this state, they have grown into problem youths, and how can they change with their own efforts, they are not even capable of improving the status quo.
Both of these views have the support of a large number of netizens, and everyone has discussed it fiercely.
Soon in response to this hot search, Fu Seoul responded, she said that she did not understand the hot search very well, and she did not express the problem very extremely.
All she meant was to ask everyone not to attribute all problems to the family of origin.
In the original family, there is no 100% perfection, as long as you look for it, there must be some flaws, and everyone's life has unsatisfactory places.
Even when we are young, we all have some dissatisfaction, but when we become adults, we have the opportunity to change through hard work.
Our original family cannot be changed, but we can find ways to overcome difficulties and live positively.
When we look at some issues, we really can't be one-sided and extreme.
Just like the high praise answer in the comment area, everyone has always only looked at what they want to see.
It is true that the original family will have an impact on a person, but we can't escape from not working hard in disguise, after all, the only thing that can save lives is ourselves.
It can be said that everyone will suffer some harm to a greater or lesser extent in the process of growing up.
In the face of these injuries, some people can resolve them, and some people have to struggle for a lifetime.
If we don't meet the perfect family of origin, will we let this hurt accompany us for a lifetime?
The answer, of course, is no, and as adults we have the right to get rid of the pain of the past.
Just to get rid of pain and get a new life, we must first understand what harm a bad birth family will be to a person.
01
Lack of self-worth
A person is not cared for in childhood, or does not grow up in a stable environment.
There will be a lack of security because there is no intimate connection with their parents.
Even as an adult, on the surface he is already an adult, but inside he is still the wounded child.
When you are a child, your emotions are prone to fluctuations, you will seriously self-deny, and when you encounter some things, you will lose your sense of self-worth.
Even if they are adults, even if they have the ability to resist external changes, the child inside is still not grown up, and often lives in the helpless days of the past.
02
No self-confidence, no fear of socializing with people
There was not enough love and affirmation in childhood, or words of encouragement were rarely heard from parents as children.
Some parents have mental violence against their children unconsciously when they are young.
Especially some parents, in order to make their children grow better, often hit their children.
The purpose is to spur children to grow, hoping that they will become strong, and there are some deficiencies in the way.
As a result, children grow up to be deficient in interpersonal communication.
Because he has no self-confidence in his heart, he feels that he is not good enough, and he has a strong sense of inferiority.
There are also children who are not able to regulate themselves when they are young and their minds are seriously damaged.
There may even be a tendency to depression, and these problems are all possible.
03
It also has an impact on its own offspring
Children who grow up with the mental abuse of their parents, they suffer this pain on the one hand, and unconsciously reproduce the parents' way of education on the other.
In this way, it invisibly penetrates into the subconscious mind.
They also know how much their parents have done to them and remind themselves that they will not treat their children this way in the future.
But when they really become parents, they will slowly find that sometimes they will pass on the habits of their parents to the next generation.
This is a painful and contradictory thing.
Once, a blogger posted her mood on the Internet, saying that she realized that she and her mother were becoming more and more like her.
As a child, she vowed that she would not be as paranoid as her mother and wanted to control her emotionally.
Since she had a daughter, she has redoubled her efforts to learn how to raise children and how to make them grow healthier.
But one day, because the child was naughty, when she was educating the child, she accidentally saw herself in the mirror at that time, and suddenly found that she was so similar to her mother.
Even the tone and expression of the tantrum were exactly the same, and she was stunned for a moment, and suddenly realized that she was unconsciously replicating her parents' education methods.
We have no way of choosing our parents, but we have the ability to put an end to such painful perpetuation and not let similar harm pass on to the next generation.
It is necessary to heal your inner child, how to reconcile with the original family, and how to embrace yourself.
For those whose hearts have been hurt, from the heart they are eager to be healed, but there is no right way.
Sometimes they pin their hopes on others, but in the end they are disappointed.
Wise people understand that if you want to heal, you can only get out of the sea of suffering on your own, carry everything, and slowly heal yourself and release your heart.
So what do we need to do?
First, accept your imperfect self
They can see the hurt they have suffered deeply, and they can also understand their own inadequacies, and today's personality characteristics are very related to the past.
There are some very strong, do not know how to be gentle girls, not that they are born this way, but from the growth environment from childhood, leading to the current personality.
Because there is no one to protect them if they are not strong, they can only protect themselves by desperately strengthening themselves in a chaotic life, which is just a helpless choice.
Some people grow up and have no way of accepting this imperfection.
Then there will be conflicts, entanglements and contradictions in their hearts.
Because they do not accept the character of the past self and the present, nor do they accept fate, they fight, and in the end it is often themselves who are hurt.
When everyone realizes the limitations of the self, knows that some things are irreversible to themselves, and slowly accepts, they will be reconciled with their past selves.
Reconcile with the original family, put aside the past contradictions, no longer excessively hate their own weakness and incompetence, and thus get the release and liberation of the soul.
Second, live in the moment
Many people in pain are entangled in the past, living in the troubles of the past, and cannot extricate themselves.
Often in the dead of night, I recall the sadness of the past, so that I can't pay attention to the life of the present, and I can't meet the good days in the future.
They have an obsession in their hearts, that is, they are hurt by the past, and they have deeply retained their footsteps and cannot dominate their present and future.
The most important thing to do now is to see the reality clearly and use a positive eye to eliminate the negative emotions of the past.
For their own influence, we must also face it with a more positive attitude, understand what our future goals are, how to do it, and make ourselves better and better, rather than completely indulging in past hurts.
Third, block the continued harm of the original family
If you have realized the hurt of your original family and there is no way to change it at present, you must find a way to block it.
Many parents will still use emotional blackmail and brainwashing to control their children even after their children reach adulthood, which is also a psychological harm.
If we don't jump out in time, then we live in a controlled mind for the rest of our lives, so we have to break this structure.
Develop a sense of re-identification with oneself, bravely stay away from harm, and avoid risks.
We can't change our parents who have lived for decades, and we can only reduce the harm through self-improvement.
You can work, communicate with colleagues, read more books, and live independently to get far. Physically, use this to reduce damage.
If we want to get rid of the harm of the original family, we must soberly realize the shortcomings of the original family.
What kind of family to grow up in is only a basic configuration, but how to develop in the specific later stage still depends on the self.
We must learn to identify with ourselves, accept ourselves, and reconcile with our past selves.
There are many children who have been craving spiritual support and protection from their parents all their lives, hoping to receive healing from their parents.
It is even said that they have reached a certain obsession, thinking that one day parents will understand and protect themselves, in their hearts, the children are hurt, parents should be responsible.
But in fact, some parents have always felt that I love their children and do not realize that there is something wrong with them.
Therefore, when we become adults, we must know how to reconcile with our original families in order to harvest a better self.
Author | Qingteng National Level 3 Psychological Counselor, 5 years of experience in the psycho-emotional industry. He is good at CBT therapy, ACT therapy, from a cognitive perspective, giving clients cognitive updates and iterations, looking at reality with a new perspective, and solving a series of problems.