Identify PUA in intimate relationships

How to identify PUA

"PUA" is one of the buzzwords that has been frequently discussed in the past two years. "Peking University girl suicide incident", "Zhai Moumou forced the death of the programmer's husband", "23-year-old girl jumped off a building to commit suicide, the suicide note said that she was PUA by her boyfriend"... All kinds of related social news make people shudder when they mention PUA in intimate relationships.

PUA is an abbreviation for "hook-up artist" in English, which originally refers to one party (usually a man) learning how to improve emotional intelligence and interaction skills to attract each other in order to develop a relationship, until intimate contact occurs. The original intention of the PUA sponsors may be to help shy people learn to self-presentation and master social skills for communicating with the opposite sex. However, in today's Internet context, PUA has gradually evolved into a synonym for one party in a romantic relationship to exercise emotional control over the other through mental suppression and other means.

Jiang Sisi, attending physician of the Department of Clinical Psychology of Peking University Sixth Hospital, introduced that PUA is not a professional term. "PUA in intimate relationships" can be seen as a kind of "coercive control between partners", which refers to the establishment of behavioral strategies for systematic domination of the other partner by one partner in a variety of ways. The means used by the controller include, but are not limited to, verbal abuse, intimidation, isolation, physical/sexual violence, threats, punishment, micromanagement, stalking, and economic control. This "coercive control" leaves the victim imprisoned in an illusory world created by the perpetrator, in a state of chaos, contradiction and fear.

PUA not only occurs in intimate relationships, but also widely used in various relationships, in the workplace, campus, family, PUA occurs from time to time, Jiang Sisi pointed out that when we say "workplace PUA" and "campus PUA", its meaning may be closer to "bullying". "Bullying involves physical or verbal assault, resistance and exclusion in interpersonal interactions, and can be sexually harassing-like talk, or mocking, commenting, or laughing at body parts." Jiang Sisi said.

Jiang Sisi told reporters that the original intention of many parents to hit their children is to help their children grow into better people, but the result may be to hurt their children while helping their children. In order to strictly discipline the child and blindly deny and hit the child, it is easy for the child to internalize this denial and blow, and when he grows up, he will treat himself extremely harshly, constantly pick his own faults, think that he is not good enough everywhere, and will use perfect standards to harshly blame himself, such a psychology may lead to "self-PUA". Harsh self-demands, unpleasant moods, may also increase the risk of depression in children.

Jiang Sisi said that if a person is hit and denied for a long time, he may internalize this PUA model, and he will "automatically" hit and deny himself without the help of others, falling into the quagmire of "self PUA". For example, "people should be cruel to themselves" and "never be satisfied with themselves", which will also promote the production of "self-PUA".

PUA is discreet

In an intimate relationship, since the party being PUA will be hurt, why does he/she allow himself or herself to be in such a relationship for a long time?

Jiang Sisi believes that PUA in intimate relationships usually has a certain degree of concealment, resulting in the parties being difficult to identify despite being in it. "If a partner hits you, you can easily realize that there's something wrong with that partner because most people have a consensus that hitting someone is wrong. However, verbal harm is much more hidden, and sometimes you are hurt and do not know it, but will think that you have a problem. ”

Jiang Sisi further explained that many times, the PUA in intimate relationships is manifested as one party setting standards and rules, thus occupying the initiative and decision-making power in the relationship, exerting influence on the other party, such as "wearing a short skirt is wrong", "makeup is not good", "women should be gentle", "men can not be stingy" and so on. In intimate relationships, PUA is like a "sugar-coated cannonball" - when one party makes a mental attack on the other party, it will often use the name of "I am for your own good" and "I will tell you this because I love you", which makes the puA party feel very confused: obviously feel uncomfortable, but can't say what is wrong. In addition, the perpetrator of the PUA usually knows the other party very well, and the other party's words are likely to be partially valid from a certain point of view, which makes it more difficult for the victim to distinguish.

Jiang Sisi also observed that in many cases, PUA victims are not always damaged in a relationship, but also gain something, which also increases the difficulty of identifying PUA. "For example, a partner who often hits you in terms of self-worth may take great care of you in life; or he is very handsome and talented and very attractive to you." The same is true of PUA in parent-child relationships: the parent who inflicts harm is also the nurturer of the child, and the love for the child is also real.

How to deal with yourself when being PUA

So, how do you identify a PUA in a relationship? Jiang Sisi believes that the assessment can be carried out from the following angles:

First, observe whether the other person is criticizing some of your flaws or denying you all. For example, when you are careless, normal people will say "carelessness is not good, need to be corrected", but the bully will deny you the whole person, will be extended from carelessness to "you are careless, you can't, you have problems, others will not like you, will not recognize you..."

Second, analyze whether the other person's words are suggestions or commands, whether you have the right to choose; if you do not accept, how the other party will react, whether to respect your choice, or to attack you and persecute you. Here's a key point: Do you have to grow, do you have to progress? Do you have other options? In a normal relationship, you are free and selective, and in the face of advice, you can choose to accept, not just obey.

Third, listen to your feelings. Ask yourself, "Are you happier in this relationship?" More fulfilling? More confident? "If a relationship makes you unhappy, unconfident, self-doubting, feeling bad, feeling hopeless and helpless, then the relationship is problematic." In fact, a good relationship should be that others think you are hard and give a lot, but you yourself are happy in it. Jiang Sisi said.

How do you react when you find yourself being PUA? Jiang Sisi said that leaving this relationship and relieving the source of pain is of course a good way. But many times, a person can't get out of a relationship immediately, and there are still some ways to protect themselves. For example, you can use the "balanced reflection method", that is, not only reflect on yourself, but also from the perspective of the bystander, think about what the other party may be doing wrong, or communicate with friends, listen to the views of different perspectives, and avoid falling into excessive self-reflection.

Xia Jin (From China Youth Daily)

Source: Tonight's newspaper