In the past, my daughter-in-law would often ask me: Why do I talk to you in Chinese, but you just can't understand it? Why does it feel like a chicken talking to a duck?
Coincidentally, in the Hangzhou intimate relationship class, Hailan teacher mentioned that 78% of marital problems are related to poor communication.
H came back from work and told his husband about his mistakes in work, eager to get comfort and support, but the husband's first words were, "You also did something wrong", which instantly made the wife angry, and the two quarreled........
M is a foreign trade white-collar worker, one day she was very impatient because of the husband in front of the nanny, talking to her, and afterwards scolded the husband for four hours, the innocent gentleman did not know that his tired expression and tone activated the trauma of his wife's childhood, as a child, once she provoked her mother to be angry, she would be locked out of the door, and she could not go home even if she cried.
Mr. L's is a successful entrepreneur, and her greatest wish every day is that he can look into his eyes and listen intently to his own speech, even if it is only 20 minutes........
Originally a lover who is intimate and intimate, but because of communication problems and constantly conflicting, gradually drifting away, what is hindering our intimate communication?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="110" >, it is difficult for us to stand in the perspective of others</h1>
In Professor Hong Lan's popular speech "The Moment of Leaping", she mentioned the difference between men and women, and she gave such an example.
The gentleman saw his wife busy in the kitchen and asked, "Can I help you?" ”
The lady said, "Well, then you put the potatoes in the bag, half peeled, and put them in the pot and cooked them." ”
When this lady was finished, she lifted the lid of the pot and fainted.
Women would never cook like that, would they? If you either cut it all, or you don't cut it, how can you "cut it in half like this"? But you can't scold sir, as soon as you scold him, he will tell you immediately, and you yourself tell me to peel half and put it in the pot and cook it.
As another example, the anti-melancholy drug is called Prozac, the operation mechanism of this drug is to block your body's recovery of serotonin (serotonin) in the brain, and studies have shown that if the body releases serotonin faster and retains it at the same time, our emotions, motivation, sleep and memory will be better.
Experiments have shown that men make serotonin 52% faster than women. You see, so fast, it is no wonder that The husband and wife quarrel, the wife is half dead, and the husband is already asleep. Why? Because Serotonin came out, Mr. Mister's mood was better, so Mr. went to sleep. But, mrs. Angry, I'm still angry, why did you fall asleep? Just dig him up and make a noise.
Again, because of the relationship between female hormones, women's natural feelings about expressions will be much faster, and women's recognition of facial expressions is 20 thousandths faster than that of boys, so some people say that women are suitable for HR, why? As soon as you speak and get angry, she knows, don't talk about it, get angry. And men are facing the same situation, they are about to pat the table, he does not know why you are angry.
From a scientific point of view, this is the natural difference between men and women given by God. The difference is so big, the days are still not over? Of course, you have to pass, but you will have more understanding of the above differences.
And couples in the intimate relationship course, another situation that often occurs is that when asking themselves, they will say: I need to care and accompany, I just need a little love. Don't you know what I want yet?
Then when I was asked, I said: How do I know what he thinks?
Interestingly, psychologists did an experiment in which researchers asked subjects to tap a musical melody and predict the likelihood that others would hear it. After knocking, the participants thought that about 50% of the people could understand it, and the actual test results were only 3%.
This experiment shows that we are more inclined to think about problems from our own point of view, and at the same time we will think too much that others can easily understand and understand themselves.
It's hard for us to understand that other people can't understand me. We are used to being self-centered, and if I had that thought, I would naturally think that others would think the same way.
Why do we like to think in terms of ourselves? Because energy needs to be saved. The evolution of human survival (including the brain) has always evolved to survive – saving energy is a major need for survival. Considering the problem from one's own point of view is the most energy-saving, and considering the problem from the perspective of others is a very resource-intensive thing.
So there's no way around it?
Of course there is
Isn't there still 3% of people in the above experiment who can do it? It is not difficult, as long as you are willing to practice and willing to learn.
First, there is peer education in the system, and you will be more likely to hear different perspectives to look at the problem - to solve the problem from the perspective of others;
Second, through the seven-step method of emotional combing, you can train yourself to take the initiative to consider problems from different angles. And this is also exercising yourself to think from the perspective of others.
I think it is more important to practice through the seven-step method to become a person who only sees the strengths of others. Seeing that others are good, their own mood is good, and then there will be good feedback, so back and forth, the positive cycle of life begins, is this not the happy life you want?
From quantitative change to qualitative change, all that is needed is patience, think about it, aren't we here for this purpose?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="116" >, it is difficult to correctly repeat and understand the meaning of others</h1>
Studies have shown that successful communication between two parties depends more on the listener's reaction than on the speaker's, and failed communication often stems from the listener's negligence and misinterpretation.
The process of transmitting information in a computer is usually as follows: sender (send message) - encode - transmit - decode - receiver (receive information).
For example, the wife speaks her needs in language (this is coding), and the husband understands the wife's language in his own way (this is decoding).
And this process will go back and forth many times, and there are two important links in this process: encoding and decoding. A very important problem is that different people, their encoding/decoding mechanisms are accumulated over a long period of time, deeply affected by the original family and the surrounding environment.
For example, this person is very "refined". In some places, it is considered to be too thief, which is a derogatory term; in other places, it is understood that this is a positive word with "real ability", and if it is not refined, it is a manifestation of insufficient intelligence. If people from these two places say the same thing, they are not aware of these differences in communication, even if the language is the same, the communication results can be imagined.
You see, Madame generates her ideas (the so-called "want to understand", which is no longer simple), and then goes through the process of "encoding/passing/decoding" and not necessarily implementing them accurately. Later, it also needs Mr. Mr. Accurate "Decoding", which is integrated with Mr. Knowledge Structure and living environment, and this cannot be successfully completed. So, how hard it is to communicate correctly, smoothly, and effectively.
This is also why it often happens that the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law can't live together, because the encoding/decoding mechanism of the two people is completely different.
So what to do? As a gentleman (receiver) at this time, it is necessary to lower expectations and IQ, just think like this: my "decoding" is not necessarily correct. Therefore, in order to ensure the smooth and effective communication, we need a verification mechanism, that is, feedback.
When I write this, I can perceive that there are many women who see encoding and decoding, and it is not possible to read it, but the problem is this, and many problems are that they need to use logical thinking to understand in order to describe it correctly. It's not about how I say it, it's about how much you take it in the end.
When Mr. Hailan combs through a couple in class, he often asks his wife, "You mean... Is it? Or "You mean... Am I right? The wife said that there was no problem, and then continued, if there was an objection, it needed to be re-expressed by the other party, or mr. re-understood until there was no objection. All that is needed is two words, "patience."
The above is the brain-type solution to the problem. Here's a try of a perceptual solution to the problem.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="118" > three, let the other party demonstrate with language and body if treated IF TREATED</h1>
Teachers often demonstrate in class what are the Eight Exercises of Intimacy, and we quickly become clear about how to use them. Therefore, the simplest and most direct thing is to demonstrate and then train repeatedly. It's as simple as that, and I know it after practicing.
For example, my daughter-in-law said that what I want is very simple, that is, "care for me" (encoding), I received the three words "care for her", so I began to "decode", how to care about her, I used to think (decode) is "to spend more time with her". It was later discovered that the concern she spoke of was not just about staying with her.
Of course, since practicing, she has learned how to use feedback and demonstrations.
When my wife said she was very uncomfortable now, I stayed awake, didn't fall asleep, and hugged her. That's the concern at that time. When my wife told me, I just had to listen quietly. That's the kind of concern.
Wait, more demonstrations, more feedback, more practice, enough quantitative changes to cause qualitative changes. Slowly, I know when to ask my daughter-in-law to "care". The need is patience, practice, patience, practice again, I believe that there will be a state of mutual psychological and behavioral comfort.
In summary, there are two points:
First, start thinking about how to see things from someone else's point of view;
The second is to increase the feedback check link when communicating, and re-learn and practice the most basic skill of communication.
Writing this, I thought that the poem written in the poem", which must be the author's feeling after many years of practice, is definitely not "a Lin sister fell from the sky".
At this moment, Guo Jing's "Heart Wall" sang in his ears that good times should be treasured because they are limited.