Young and good at reading (38) failed to join the first group organization, and his heart was sour

It was ridiculous that my audacity was so small that it was astonishing.

Watching TV should be entertainment, but I was literally torturing. No matter what drama I watched, I had to curl up on the couch, afraid that there would suddenly be a scene of people being afraid. Tune the channel even more I dare not. Because I have already suffered losses. The big close-up of the cat's eye that fills the entire screen reminds me all the time. So I hardly dared to touch the TV again. And that very ordinary, very ordinary visual persistence, which will also inexplicably make my heart beat faster. If I had to turn off the TV, I would have to close my eyes tightly and fumble to turn it off.

The night was hell for me. Even though the lights inside the house are bright and the music is light and pleasant, I can't get rid of my fear. If there is any reason, I am the only one in the family, it is really unimaginable. I didn't dare to move around, I didn't dare to pick up the foot wash myself, I didn't dare to turn around or even turn back. Whenever my heart was whirring and beating, I cursed myself in my heart, "What's so terrible?" coward! fool! But all this didn't help, the heart was still beating faster and the breathing was still intensifying. Lying in bed at night, I always hold a book and read. Only then did I stop being nervous and completely immersed in the book. But, at twelve o'clock, when the sound of my mother urging came, I had to turn off the lights myself. It was a sin for me. I grabbed the light line, but I couldn't get into the bed first, and the light rope wasn't long enough. So I had to be fierce, squeeze my eyes tightly, turn them off suddenly, and then burrow into the bed as quickly as possible, and quickly cover my eyes with my hands. I had to go through such a battle almost every night.

However, it is also very strange that I have studied in elementary school several times at night, and I went home alone at ten o'clock in the evening, and there was no sense of fear...

The list of the first members was approved. Without me.

Although this is what I have already expected, I still feel a little uncomfortable in my heart. Because I submitted my application to the League organization with a sincere heart, my request was sincere.

The first three members of the group all had their own advantages, and these strengths were not available to me. At work, I'm not so proactive. In fact, to tell you the truth, how willing I am to do more work! But who allows it? It may also be that I have a low eye and a low hand, and I think about it all over the world, but I can't do it. But it's true that I don't want to do it, it's not that I won't do it, I just think there are no conditions. I always doubt the true intentions of those so-called active people. I'm not saying they want to do it for others to see, but there must be selfishness in it. I used my own experience to prove it. If you want to do an activity, it takes a lot of trouble, and on the surface it seems like you are wasting your time serving your classmates, but I don't think so. If I want to do this kind of thing, I am willing. Because it can cultivate my abilities in all aspects, and it is also an entertainment activity, at least it can enrich my boring study life. At work, there is an indescribable sense of excitement. However, I really need to change the problem that I only say and don't do. I'm not that exemplary in terms of taking the lead. Because I don't think there's any need to be that disciplined, it's a bit of a pretense. And sometimes I can do it twice, and I can do both. So I've always followed my own rules of life. Of course, it seems too casual. I didn't do a good job of dealing with classmate relationships. Always stay in a small circle, do not contact more classmates, and one-sidedly think that they are too vulgar.

Confident to fight for the next time? The enthusiasm seems to have disappeared, and I just think that the members of the group are just like this, nothing remarkable.

As long as there is a group of people in front of me, a group of people who are doing their own thing and have not noticed me, a group of people who are all men or mostly men, I will not feel lonely, although no one around me will talk to me.

I love to observe them, to watch their words and deeds, their every move, or the figure active on the sports field, or pouting, or shrugging, or laughing, or melancholy, or shaking their hair, or stomping their feet. The variations of each movement are varied and different. I really want to use the camera to leave their every change behind. Because each change reflects their respective personalities, reflects the characteristics of men. Therefore, these distinctive actions show their unique cuteness.

I found that as long as dozens of people are randomly dragged out, there will be different characters with various personalities in them. In the past, I thought that the students who were admitted to the experimental middle school were all students with better grades, so they may be the same as the good students in my past schools. In fact, I feel that all kinds of people in the elementary school class have them in today's class. According to an invisible standard, it is also two or three categories, much the same. Therefore, there are dozens of people in front of me, which is enough for me to observe for half a day.

Of course, it would be better if I had a friend with similar interests to me. We can talk about it as much as we want, and it doesn't matter if we judge them. In general, though, there's nothing bad about it. Just make your own evaluation of everyone with your own eyes. And it's wonderful to give full play to some reasonable imagination. Finally, it is possible to identify a few of the most prominent figures, and to focus their eyes and tongues on these people, or to praise them, perhaps only for one action, or to belittled, or only because of their one look.

All of the above is only possible under that premise, that is, without being discovered by them. This way their behavior is more real, more natural, and more engaging. In the face-to-face situation, when we don't look at each other but know each other's existence, I never observe anyone. Even if he is well worth observing, I will not hesitate to give up. Because observing the other person when he is aware of it will make me feel inferior and uncomfortable. If at this time the other party deliberately pretends not to know that you are looking at him, it means that he is presenting himself as a noble person, which is a manifestation of self-satisfaction and lack of sight. So I wouldn't do such a stupid thing anyway.

I don't know when I became interested in male stuff. Sports competitions, only willing to see men (Chinese women excluded); song records, only willing to listen to male voices; literary and artistic works, love to see "male literature"; young writers, worship Jiang Zilong, Deng Gang, Zhang Chengzhi, Zhang Xianliang, these real men; film actors, Chen Baoguo, Guo Kaimin love more than those female film stars. Even the male and female conductors on the tram are never treated equally due to stereotypes, and their attitudes are often diametrically opposed.

If these ideas are good, they should be attributed to foreign movie stars such as Lawrence Oliver, Alain Delon, Ken Takakura, and Heinz. It is they who I first saw the charm of manhood, the beauty that belongs to their characteristics. I also feel strange that since I was born, I have seen so many men in the world, but I have never felt the same feeling of surprise as when I saw their images. Of course, age should also be one of the reasons. However, if these ideas are bad, they must be the culprits. But I don't want that.

(To be continued)