Author/Factory Flower Xuanjie
Source/Workplace Charging Treasure (ID: ZhichangCdb)
Hello everyone, I am Sister Huaxuan.
Do you remember the international student who insulted his father?
Just because the cost of living is not enough, it is furious.
Obviously, the father's salary is not high, and he just paid 11,000 yuan to his daughter when he arrived, and instructed him to "try to save as much as possible, and maintain the monthly expenditure at 10,000 yuan."
Even so, the daughter is still unhappy, calling her father X and disgusting XX stuff.
(If you have a friend who has forgotten, you can click on the previous review)
Recently, she responded again.
Let me summarize it for you.
The girl said that she saw a lot of remarks on the Internet, admitted that she did have something wrong, regretted the abuse of her father, and now she is reconciled with her father.
However, in the face of such an attitude, netizens do not buy it.
Under this clarification video, more than three thousand comments, perhaps two thousand are complaining about her "white-eyed wolf", and some people have raised questions about family education.
Indeed, as a parent, I also feel that this is too much.
It is not an apology that can be easily revealed.
I remember when a reader left a message, which made a lot of impression on me-
"Chinese parents feel that they have given up everything for their children and are waiting to be grateful;
However, many children only want to wait for their parents to apologize. ”
From this parent-child relationship, it seems that "the microcosm of most families in China" can be glimpsed.
Rather than blindly saying that our daughters are not, we need to explore Chinese-style family education.
<h1 class="pgc-h-center-line" data-track="41">01</h1>
<h1 class="pgc-h-center-line" data-track="43" > "Parents should raise me to death!" </h1>
Xuan Jie first put a pretty amazing data:
According to the statistics of the China Research Center on Aging, "in the city, more than 65% of the families in China have the phenomenon of "old people raising children"; about 30% of adults rely on their parents to spend part or even all of their living expenses for them."
It can be said that the old people in today's society are by no means a minority.
What is even more frightening is that some children even have the idea that "parents should raise me to death".
What Sister Xuan said is really not an isolated case.
Wang Jiajing, 19, went to Japan to study for five years.
In the past five years, Wang has never worked, and he asks Wang's mother for 7,000 yuan in living expenses every month.
The mother not only gave her son her salary unreservedly, but even borrowed money everywhere.
Until her mother really couldn't come up with the money, Wang finally had no choice but to return to China.
Maybe you think that the next step is the direction of a big reunion, right?
No, after Wang got off the plane, he had a big fight with his mother.
When he heard his mother say, "There is no money, but there is a life", he took out a knife directly from his luggage and stabbed his mother nine times in a row.
Why are you so fierce that you stab nine times in a row?
Or the familiar saying — "She won't give her money!" ”
There was also the tragic news of Japan.
Hideaki Kumazawa, 76, a former senior official in the Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries, killed his 44-year-old son, Hideichiro Kumazawa.
All because the son has been nibbling on the old for many years, the old father really can't stand it.
Imagine an adult in his forties, with no income and no home.
He also hated his father to the bone, full of hatred:
"If you give birth to me without permission, you will have to take care of me until the last second before you die."
So, about this sentence, "Parents should raise me to death."
It's unbelievable.
According to the logic of normal people, birth is a natural event.
As an adult, in the face of luck and misfortune, you can only accept it.
But most of the people who nibble on the old, enjoy the efforts of their parents, but they are disgusted.
Knowing that they are conditional and capable of self-sufficiency, they attribute all their mistakes to their parents.
Are you confused too?
Obviously they are nibbling on the old, how can they be so reasonable?
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<h1 class="pgc-h-center-line" data-track="287" > parent-child relationship requires a sense of boundaries</h1>
At the end of the day, this suffocating relationship stems from —
Lack of a sense of boundaries in parent-child relationships.
I remember seeing a news before that my mother interfered with the college entrance examination volunteers, resulting in the child not learning to go to school.
Originally, the child was an excellent student, hard and self-motivated, and has always been ranked in the top three of the class.
When it came time to fill in the volunteers, he wanted to apply for Nanjing University.
However, the mother who practiced medicine believed that studying medicine was the best way out and should apply for the China Medical University.
Therefore, despite the strong opposition of the child, he changed his college entrance examination volunteer.
When the results were revealed, my mother was dumbfounded.
Nanjing University was 3 points lower than the child's score, but the mother changed it, and the score line of China Medical University was too high to reach.
In order to stumble on the study of medicine, my mother even filled in only one volunteer.
As a result, in the end, the child obviously scored a high score, but the child could only fail the college entrance examination, facing the reality of re-reading for one year.
In the parent-child relationship of Chinese families.
Most parents are under the banner of "everything is for your own good" and forcibly interfere in their children's lives, although the starting point is good, but in the end, they make both sides miserable and lose both.
Do you see that this mother is still quite similar to the father in this incident?
In the early years, the daughter also sent a circle of friends to accuse her father of forcibly interfering in her studies, which led to her repeated suspensions.
Just looking at this text, it is indeed quite suffocating.
Studying in Australia was stopped, returning to high school but choosing to recruit himself, being admitted to college and withdrawing from school, going to spanish school and being called back to China.
Throughout the process, the daughter was like a puppet being dragged, fiddling with it at will.
It's not hard to imagine.
When she needed to be alone, she was morbidly dependent on her father's help.
If the father can't solve it, he will insult endlessly.
To repeat, of course, this was no reasonable excuse for her to insult her father.
But we do need to think deeply about how terrible it would be if there was a lack of boundaries in the parent-child relationship.
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<h1 class="pgc-h-center-line" data-track="289" > "sacrificial love."</h1>
In the chat history of the father and daughter, there is also a screenshot of the chat that is thought-provoking.
The father showed his daughter his dinner, a bowl of corn paste and a small dish of greens.
He also told his daughter that in fact, the steak fried for you last night, Dad was very hungry and wanted to eat.
"There was still a lot of steak in the fridge, but in order to cut back on expenses, I was reluctant to fry a piece for myself and my sister to eat.
Finally Dad swallowed and went upstairs. ”
Seeing this, I suddenly understood what was wrong.
As a child's mother, I really feel heartache for this father, but there is also a feeling of hatred for iron not steel.
Although we are parents, we are not here to be ascetics for our children.
Why does your daughter eat steak beautifully, but you can only swallow?
Why can't you be "selfish"?
Sister Xuan wants to share a case with you.
A fan spat bitterly at Professor Shen Yifei of Fudan University:
"After giving birth to a child, I was circling around the child every day, there was no time of my own, and the whole person's joys and sorrows were wrapped up in the child."
Many mothers will encounter such a problem, when raising children, they have to sacrifice part of their work and life, it is difficult to balance career and family.
In this regard, Professor Shen Yifei proposed the concept of "intensive motherhood".
Studies have shown that when a family revolves around a child, it not only makes the caregiver tired, but it is not necessarily a good thing for the person being cared for.
She said that the teacher had gently reminded her to help her son check his homework, but she decisively refused.
You think that learning is obviously the task of children, but unconsciously it has become the task of parents.
Is it really that important to check the job?
In fact, this does not have a fatal effect on the child.
If you are usually very busy at work, you have to work overtime until eight or nine o'clock to go home, exhausted and responsible for your studies, then the next day not only can not keep up with the energy of work, but also in the face of children's emotions are also very anxious.
It is better to maintain a short withdrawal appropriately, "selfishly", if this stage is more important to you, you have the right to develop your own life.
We must not forget --
Whether it is a parent or a child, it must first be an independent individual, and then it must be each other's relatives.
So I hope that this father, the parents who love their children, is selfish and it doesn't matter.
Because of your sacrificial love,
For the ignorant child, it is condoning coddling;
For sensible children, it is emotional blackmail.
Stretching further, why is sacrificial love wrong for sensible children?
Just like the mother in the parent-child variety show "Don't Underestimate Me", because the child can't memorize homework, she slaps herself.
These "heavy" loves are all pressure in the eyes of the child.
The educator Makarenko once said:
"Everything is for the sake of the child, even sacrificing his own happiness and letting him carry all this, which is the most terrible gift that parents give to their children."
Yes, loving children is not about how much you sacrifice for your children,
It is about how much love the child can feel from his parents.
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<h1 class="pgc-h-center-line" data-track="291" > written at the end</h1>
Writing this, Xuan Jie found that some voices accusing this father began to appear on the Internet.
I would like to say that even if there is something wrong with the father's way of educating, he should never put all the blame on him.
The way this daughter resisted was really impossible to empathize with.
If you feel that the original family is not good, you can independently and actively get rid of and escape from the original family and learn to be self-reliant.
Instead of abusing your parents with vicious language.
Anyone who has been a parent should feel the same way, raising a child is really a very, very difficult thing.
In the father's self-complaint, he mentioned that he had grown older and began to realize that there was something wrong with the way he used to be educated.
As this line says, "Dad is also a first-time dad, and it is inevitable that there will be some bad things." ”
The dad is now actively correcting it, hopefully before it's too late.
"Now, I know I should respect the nature of children," he said. A healthy and strong mind is far more important than academic performance or money. ”
Hopefully, we can all treat our children as independent individuals, learn to let go appropriately, and establish the right attachment relationship with our children.
Finally, as psychologist Claire put it—
All the love in this world is for the sake of gathering,
There is only one kind of love for separation,
That is the love of parents for their children.
True parental love,
Not a permanent possession of the child,
It's a decent exit.
Forward or click in the watch, do not let our love, into the shackles of the child.
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