"A woman is weak, but a mother is strong." This compliment is heard too much.
But lately, I have become more and more aware that this sentence actually means the world's biggest deception and the most malicious "curse" on women.
Recently killed by a news story:
A 29-year-old mother in Hefei, Anhui Province, jumped from the 24th floor with two young children, one 2 and one 4.
Three living lives withered away in an instant.
What kind of "family conflict" would make people make such a jade choice?
After death, he was accused by his husband's family of "eating and drinking for nothing". Excuse me？？？
The story behind this is not to be said for the time being, Akan remembered a Japanese drama with a similar theme -
"Home on the Ramp".
More than 50,000 people on Douban scored a high score of 9.0
Women are hard.
How painful does it really hurt for a woman to have a baby? A look at the previous writing, you can click here to review (how much does it hurt for a woman to have a child?). )。
What I want to talk about today is what happens after giving birth to a child - the pain of women's parenting.
There is a mindset bias called "survivor bias"; there is a phenomenon called "elephant in a room".
The former said that the survivors felt that everyone was living happily, but they did not think that the survivors could not speak out.
The latter means that people tend to turn a blind eye to some obvious problems and phenomena and ignore them all the time.
The first episode of "Home on the Ramp" is almost a perfect interpretation of these two concepts.
The heroine, Risakako (Yuki Shibasaki), is an ordinary housewife like most women her age.
Her daughter Wen Xiang is 2 and a half years old, which is the period of the super grinding little demon.
Rishazi takes care of her daughter every day, diligently; in addition, she also takes care of her husband's food, clothing and living.
The "elephant in the room" has always existed.
For example, in the first episode, the repeated sentence of the husband, "Bring me another can of beer." Clothes to open hands, food to open mouth, has long become a daily life for the two people to get along.
But no one felt anything wrong.
Because in the mother-in-law's house, the mother-in-law and the father-in-law get along like this; also because Rishazi is a "housewife".
Housework and childcare have become a kind of "duty.". Men do not share the housework, let alone childcare.
This all-time calm was shattered by an accident.
Risaki receives a letter from a member of the court jury that she is going to attend the trial of a famous case.
In this case, a mother drowned her baby in a bathtub, causing a sensation in public opinion.
In the media portrait, the mother is a "demon" who abuses young children, loves vanity, and treats her children as the satisfaction of her vanity.
When Rishako first arrived at the courtroom, her heart was filled with disgust:
"Does she have the consciousness of being a mother?"
Until the more she learned and the more she participated in the case, the illusion of Rishako as a "happy housewife" began to collapse layer by layer.
Maybe at some moment, she suddenly realized: she was just another spike of water!
The mother of the crime is named Mizuho.
When you first become pregnant, to a certain extent, it is not your own choice - under the condemnation of your mother-in-law and the people around you, not having children has become a "sin".
Mizuho then prepares to conceive and give birth.
In order to take care of the newborn child, although Mizuho's salary is higher than her husband's, it is she who resigns to raise children.
After the husband completed the "mission" of the family that gave birth to a child, he immediately became a "hand-throwing treasurer".
The reason is also quite strong - what if the child cries all day, sleeps well, and affects the work?
As a result, people either go home after 10 o'clock and go home and sleep upside down, or they don't go home at night and stay in capsule hotels outside.
Behind the incident of Anhui mothers jumping off buildings with children, in fact, there is also this crux - widowed parenting.
Since becoming pregnant and having children, the two children have basically been carried by themselves.
The man was responsible for sowing the seeds, and then it seemed to disappear.
The question is, aren't children children of two people together?
But why do men disappear in the absence of children's growth process, but they are so easily tolerated by public opinion?
Often brush up on TikTok to similar content.
Commenting on the praise of the mother of Yishui, why do I rarely see anyone questioning: Where is the father of the child?
"Lived like this for thirty years, until the building collapsed." Because of their habits, many mothers have a great sense of their suffering.
Just like the heroine of the play, Rishako, if she had not participated in the trial, she might have pulled the child up in the day-to-day widowhood.
Become the most self-deceptive mother like the previous generation, and obtain a phantom "happiness".
But she woke up. It is no longer possible to admit that the "everyday" of everything should be "everyday."
With small children is a 24-hour job.
Have you ever heard a baby cry? 5 minutes, half an hour, one hour, 12 hours, 24 hours...
What if you can't get a full night's sleep for months?
There was a type of torture in ancient history called sleep deprivation. Every time the prisoner was at the stall where he was about to sleep, he was given a light and a noise play.
Before long, the person will have hallucinations, mental breakdowns, and eventually insanity.
Behind bringing a child is "love". If there is no love, it is naked "torture".
"I am currently 3 months after giving birth, have not slept a full night, get up many times in the middle of the night, and have seriously lacked rest."
"What if a person with a 5-month-old baby wakes up every two hours and wakes up every two hours by milk sleeping at night, coaxing her to be exhausted and about to collapse?"
"I've done this before, covering her face with a blanket to keep her from crying. Fortunately, it was only a moment of sanity that came back, and I cried out in despair. As she cried I screamed desperately, and only screaming could temporarily overshadow her cries, and I slumped on the ground shivering. ”
Ah Kan has heard too many such stories.
However, crying, just such a "trivial" part of the process of caring for a baby, is enough to crush a new mother.
Not to mention more complex puzzles and situations?
At this time, they may also have to bear the neglect or even blame from the "hand-throwing treasurer".
In "Home on the Slope", Mizuho is alone under the pressure of widowhood parenting.
Occasionally, the husband went home to help with the children, but he was responsible for blindly directing and picking faults.
"Let my mother help!" ——
As everyone knows, the mother-in-law will only help more and more when she comes to the house to "help", and Mizuho will have to take care of her mother-in-law in addition to taking care of the children.
"How can there be finger marks on babies?" Have you abused children? ”——
Shui Sui was emotionally depressed, physically and mentally exhausted, and also suffered from groundless accusations and unjustified disasters. Obviously, he was depressed after giving birth, but he still had to be pointed at and scolded as a "vicious mother".
When Mizuho's mood is getting worse and worse, as a husband, she refuses to communicate and turns around and throws herself into the gentle "embrace" of her first love in college.
Eventually, Mizuho drowned the baby by mistake while bathing it because the child was crying incessantly.
Mizuho was scared, and her husband was about to return. If you hear a baby crying, you will definitely jump like a thunderbolt.
On the other hand, the more the heroine Rishako knows in the trial, the more she understands how similar her situation is.
The pain of bringing his daughter cannot be told, and the means of training his daughter not to play a temper (refusing to meet the child's wayward demands and waiting for the child to reconcile) are seen by the husband, which becomes evidence of "abuse".
The comfort of her husband's "don't force yourself" was once touched by the comfort of her mouth.
Later, I understood that this subtext was the contempt and depreciation of "if you can't work and raise children together, you should give up work".
Perhaps as another husband of the show put it bluntly:
People don't care about the workplace sacrifices you make for childcare.
Yes, while the heroines are worried about parenting, the husbands are proficient in first-hand PUA control.
There is a term called the "gas lamp effect", which means to achieve the purpose of manipulation and brainwashing by constantly denying you.
Any small mistake in your parenting has become the cause of being belittled, blamed, and rejected at this moment.
Just one sentence of "everyone else can do it, how can you..." is enough to defeat an already sensitive parenting mother.
Under this set of words, even the man's cheating has become the wife's fault.
"Maybe the husband will only come home to see his wife who complains about the pain of parenting."
What an anomaly!
Even if women are widowed parenting, they must internalize the strict set of standards.
Your emotional problem is that you are pretentious, "Everyone has come this way, it is impossible for you to do it." ”
You can't juggle work with childcare and start by giving up work. If you continue to work, it is still your dereliction of duty to do a poor job of parenting.
If you only do not take care of the children as a housewife, you are even more incompetent.
It is this set of evaluation criteria that "drives the mother in the play crazy". And then say, look, that crazy kid who doesn't let go of his own children!
The question is, where is the father's place in this "standard"?
Parenting mothers are often an island.
Faced with a completely chaotic parenting situation, the men in the family are constantly suppressing in a way that refuses to communicate.
Parenting mothers then internalize their accusations, self-blame, self-denial, want to flee, want to give up, but force themselves to endure.
As a result, emotions are becoming more and more prone to collapse.
"Home on the Ramp" is actually the most shocking, and it also reveals the pressure from the surrounding environment in this process.
This is also the saddest paradox that comes from the oppression of women.
The suppression of young women by the previous generation of women (mothers-in-law) who have suffered -
In this drama, Mizuho's mother-in-law is represented.
In court, she claimed that it was her idea that her son would not return at night. "My son is the pillar of the family, is it not natural to think about everything for him?"
For her generation, taking the husband as the guideline and the son as the sky, they have been circling around their husbands and children all their lives.
She would not understand that a woman would not like children, why she would be depressed after having a child, and why a man needed to share with a child.
So she was full of anger:
"No matter how the times change, no matter how sleepy and tired the whole person is, it is not enough to be an excuse to regret having a child, otherwise it is not normal!"
"Men will not intervene in the matter of raising children!" No matter how big the difficulties are, they have to work hard to overcome themselves, but they will pass after surviving. ”
"What a neurasthenia, it's a lie!"
She was actually very pitiful in this life. But it's just as hateful!
Because the logic of her behavior is "I've come this way, why can't you?" ”
This made her an accomplice unconsciously.
Similarly, in addition to older women, there is also the belittling of housewives by women in the workplace.
Elite women in the workplace who are members of the jury with Rishako have no way of understanding Mizuho's behavior because they are unmarried and childless.
"There are also such people in the park near my house, mothers who leave their children alone and only take care of their own small talk. I think there are some women in this world who don't deserve children. ”
Her accusations are reminiscent of the beginning of the movie [Kim Ji-young, born in '82].
After completing a series of housework, Kim Ji-young pushes a stroller out to bask in the sun, and is also ridiculed by the working women in the park:
"Mommy's life is really good, I also want to use the money earned by my husband to buy coffee and drink and walk around."
Another thing to say, the birth of the term "mother bug" used to demean full-time childcare housewives is simply a collection of misogyny in Korean society.
vomit.
However, perhaps the hymn of "motherhood is just" and the depreciation of "motherworm" are actually the same.
The former brushes over all the sacrifices of the parenting mother with the phrase "for the mother";
The latter implies that you sacrifice more for childcare, but do not produce economic benefits, which is the meaning of "parasite".
In this way, the celebrated parenting mother is false, and the rejected mother is the real.
Also, do you think "Home on the Ramp" is very sad?
But whether it is "Home on the Slope" or "Jin Zhiying, born in 1982", it is actually relatively mild.
Jin Zhiying or Li Shazi is already the part of the woman who has been drawn by the whole society:
Highly educated, beautiful, capable, and had a good job;
The husband does not gamble, does not abuse, does not obviously cheat, and will also care about the family and children.
The mother-in-law is also quite kind, although she can talk with thorns, but she is also willing to help with the children.
Worse than the circumstances are reality.
It is those women who have endured all the above kinds of mental violence and then suffer physical violence.
For example, the mother in Anhui who jumped off a building with her children.
In addition to widowed parenting, she also has to endure cold violence from her in-laws and husbands.
Yes, there's also the damn divorce cooling-off period!
The eldest daughter suffered from congenital ear diseases after birth, the younger son often fell ill, the family needed money, but the husband did not pull out a dime.
In the eyes of the husband's family, the wife without a job is a "blood-sucking worm that eats and drinks for free."
The mother even needed to borrow money from her mother-in-law, and she also wrote an apology to her mother in her suicide note.
The efforts of running the house and raising children have been erased, and her husband has been violent to her from time to time.
It was all these sufferings together that completely defeated her.
Then, the comments under the bullet screen and news events in the play are still accusing: they are not good enough! They don't deserve to be mothers!
Tired. How many people have been harmed by the values of "mother perfection" and "motherhood is rigid"?
This is not a compliment. It's kidnapping, it's malice.
The complicit silence of "the elephant in the room" has always existed. No one is innocent.
Be tolerant of parenting mothers! You have no idea what they've been through.