Text/Contributing Author Miss Muang Lai
It is said that "marry someone and do not marry a mother and a man", this is really appropriate to put on Zhu Yuchen.
In the movie "North and South", the husband played by Zhu Yuchen does not allow his wife to hire a nanny, the reason is: a woman's duty is to teach her husband and children, why should she find someone else to take care of her children in order to be busy with her career?
Although Zhu Yuchen posted on Weibo to explain that he "does not agree with this statement."
But netizens still pulled out his "son preference" mother, the strange mother-child relationship, and the pain of a 40-year-old unmarried man.
01
In 2007, a TV series "Struggle" turned out to be a flash, in which the dashing and uninhibited young man "Huazi" was known to everyone in the streets and alleys.
Zhu Yuchen, who plays Huazi, thought that this was the starting point of his acting career, but he did not expect that this was the peak. Later, he participated in the TV series "Who Decides My Youth" and "Swing DE Marriage Contract", although the reputation is good, but it is far less popular than "Struggle".
There was no breakthrough in his career, and Zhu Yuchen was very anxious. In 2018, he took his mother to the variety show "My Kid" and wanted to use the topic to hype up.
Unexpectedly, his mother's words completely subverted his image.
The program followed Zhu Yuchen for 24 hours, patted and patted, and found that Zhu Yuchen's mother was not quite right: getting up at four o'clock in the morning to boil pear juice, boiling all kinds of soups and water, cooking and cleaning the house...
It is not uncommon for a mother to circle her son all day, but Zhu Yuchen's mother is too strange because her explanation for her behavior is:
"I treated my son with my whole life. I have no self, I have no self at all, and I can still do it and give. ”
As soon as these words came out, they simply stunned the audience. "Zhu Yuchen's mother" was on the hot search, and I did not expect that the seemingly dashing "Huazi" was actually a mother treasure in private, which made many fans disappointed.
Excessive coddling is a scourge, Zhu's mother does not know it at all, she continues to speak amazingly, evaluating Zhu Yuchen's future wife:
Must be a good wife and mother, have a sense of family responsibility, can not dress too exposed, can not sit on the arm of the sofa...
She interferes in every relationship with her son, assessing whether the girlfriend meets her own criteria, the son she likes must like, and the son she does not like cannot marry.
No wonder Zhu Yuchen is still not married at the age of 41, there is such a mother-in-law, which girlfriend must not shake three times?
The mother is so strong, Zhu Yuchen also complained: "Half of my daughter-in-law is for my mother."
But Mother Zhu did not feel that this was wrong, and said that a family should consider it for the family, Zhu Yuchen picked a wife, of course, also consider herself.
The implication is that the daughter-in-law is an outsider, and the mother is the family. The mother-child relationship without boundaries feels suffocated just by listening to it.
Some netizens said: The relationship between Zhu Yuchen and her mother is like a cat and a mouse, one wants to escape, and the other desperately chases.
In the parent-child relationship, Zhu Yuchen will always be the weak "mouse", living under the claws of his mother, and he is uneasy all day;
Mother Zhu is the "cat", she regards her son as a comfort in life, and behind the false face of the loving mother, there is a surprising desire for her son.
02
Zhu Yuchen is very painful, he longs for independence, but his mother's excessive care creates three problems for him:
First, there is no self-space
In order to escape his mother's control, Zhu Yuchen went away from home to beijing to go to college, but he did not expect That Zhu Yuchen's mother to follow, and asked Zhu Yuchen's roommate one by one, "Do you snore" and "Will you disturb my son to sleep"?
Seeing that the outside wall of the bedroom was full of climbing tigers, Mother Zhu was worried about breeding mosquitoes, and she was eager to take a bottle of boiling water and pour these climbing tigers to death.
Psychologists believe that growth needs space, because when the heart is not yet mature, it cannot immediately integrate various emotions, and when the pressure is high, it must rely on solitude to slowly dissolve.
Zhu Yuchen grew up from childhood to adulthood, and what he lacked most was this kind of space, so he was extremely bad at handling emotions. In the variety show, friends leave his home, and Zhu Yuchen faces the empty room alone, crying and singing.
Seeing this scene, Mother Zhu's expression also became solemn. Perhaps in the depths of her heart, she is also somewhat aware of her son's loneliness and has her own responsibilities, but she does not know how to resolve it.
Second, lack of responsibility
Zhu Yuchen chooses a girlfriend, and it is completely in accordance with her mother's standards: gentle, virtuous, caring for people, and first-class cooking.
Freud believed that every boy had an Oedipus complex, and as he grew older, the Oedipus complex was internalized into a "desire for the ideal lover", and the boy would choose a girlfriend based on the advantages of his mother.
But Zhu Yuchen's Oedipus complex has not been internalized so far, and a certain girlfriend once questioned him: "Do you like me as a person, or do you think I am suitable to be a wife?" ”
Zhu Yuchen has been in love many times, but he has never been dead set on any girl, because he first determined to "find a girl that his mother likes", followed by "find a girl he likes", which makes him lack responsibility, no opinion, and fearful in his feelings.
He took his ex-girlfriend Jiang Yan to see Mother Zhu, who felt that Jiang Yan was dressed too exposed, zhu Yuchen did not say a word, and soon broke up with Jiang Yan.
It can be seen from this that Zhu Yuchen's heart is actually very naïve. He gave all the choice to his mother, and like a little boy, he hid behind her whenever there was a disturbance.
Can such a man shield his partner from the wind and rain? Is there the ability to run a small family?
Third, the inferiority complex
Developmental psychology believes that a 40-year-old man enters adulthood and begins to value the image of manhood, and he will maintain his dignity as a way to prove that he has the ability to reproduce.
His mother was overdog, and Zhu Yuchen was very inferior to this in his heart, because in front of Mother Zhu, he was always a small boy.
Before going on the show, he once warned his mother "don't say that I am Ma Bao", and Mother Zhu asked him back, "Isn't Ma Bao Male very cute"?
No man likes to be called "cute", which is a blow to dignity. Mother Zhu has been treating her son as a little boy for many years, which will make her son also wonder: Am I really naïve and cannot be a qualified man, husband, father?
Zhu Yuchen's sister has not yet married, and she confessed that the reason for not marrying is: "Because it can't be as perfect as her mother." ”
A mother who pursues perfection in everything, but raises a child who is very inferior in everything, which is simply a great irony for Mother Zhu, who has dedicated her life.
03
An overly close mother-child relationship can lead to a lack of ability for children to maintain an intimate relationship. So many people realize that their spouse is Ma Bao when they are in a relationship or after marriage, or Ma Bao herself is also aware of this problem, but they cannot cut off the close connection with their mother, so in order to be happy in marriage, you need to do three things:
First, distinguish between priority and priority.
Ma Bao male mother's world only has children, leaving the child will be uneasy, so even if the child forms a marriage and family, the mother will continue to brush the sense of existence: interfere with parenting, provoke dissension, chew the root of the tongue behind the back...
As a child or partner, you need to constantly emphasize the boundaries between the two sides to her, and tell her in words and deeds: this home, I have the final say!
Just like in the TV series "The Cultivation of Ordinary Women", in order to get rid of her parents' control, Chen Jialing returned the sofa chosen by her parents and wanted to return the keys to her house in her parents' hands.
She firmly told her parents: I have my life, don't care about me!
Second, have your own life.
There is a strong woman in the family, family life is bound to be very bitter, as a buffer, we can pursue hobbies and hobbies outside the family, career ideals.
In order to be independent, Zhu Yuchen learned to cook by himself, and he was very proud of it. Maintaining growth and effort, even if the family relationship is bad, the dignity of being beaten by the mother-in-law/mother can be replenished from elsewhere.
Finally, give her the steps down.
Mother Zhu has taken care of her son for 40 years, and her son is her full value, if she denies her efforts at this time and accuses her of spoiling her son, Mother Zhu's heart is powerless.
As the saying goes, "Reach out and don't hit the smiley face person". Caring more about the strong mother-in-law/mother-in-law and saving her face can make her feel: even if I leave my son, I am still valuable.
If a woman can find a sense of belonging and security from outside the children, even if she does not say it, she will actively withdraw from the life of her children.
Psychologists believe that people grow up for life.
When the children continue to grow, parents will also sigh when they see their children grow up: The original children can do a good job without me, so can I also have happiness when I leave the children?
Deep down, parents are also children. They need to be noticed and accepted.
Due to the limitations of the environment and the times, parents are unable to grow up on their own, and the love of their children is their greatest backing.
For children, they do not necessarily need parents much in life, but they need to see that parents can take responsibility for their own lives independently.
A good family relationship is that everyone can be responsible for themselves. Men and women, young and old, as long as you learn to love yourself, the world will be particularly partial to you.
I am Pan Xingzhi, your personal emotional counselor. If you need professional help, send me a private message to help you get through an emotional crisis.