Author: Cong Feicong
1
The premise of companionship is to participate in each other
Companionship is important, we need companionship, and we want to accompany others. With children, partners, friends, clients, we want to be there. We are alone, frustrated and sad, aggrieved and lonely, and need to be accompanied.
But many times the companionship we get and give is not satisfactory. I feel that this kind of companionship is not comfortable, and I can't say why.
Because we don't know companionship.
First of all, being with someone doesn't have to be companionship. Some people are around another person like roommates and are not involved. It's just a pestle under one roof, not companionship. You are together, each playing with your own mobile phone, no communication, no tacit understanding, this is the same as you took the subway to meet thousands of people, just passing by, but you rubbed shoulders for a little longer. Some parents stay at home in the name of accompanying their children, and then do housework and do various things, just as they are unaccompanied.
The premise of companionship is participation, and there is no companionship without participation. And participation, there are at least 3 forms.
2
The lowest level of companionship is "to help you solve your problem"
What would you do if your partner and children were unhappy? Many people do it by finding ways to help them solve problems, by giving you advice, telling you how to do it well, and directly helping you solve the problem. Really very obliging.
A mother said: My daughter is in junior high school, homework is not done in time, stay up late to start doing and can not finish, the next day is very irritable, I told her that I can find a teacher to reduce the amount of homework, she did not let. The mother said she didn't know what she was going to do.
This mother is relatively open-minded, and her way to solve the problem is not to teach her children to write homework early, but to communicate with the teacher to reduce homework. But this is still at the level of solving problems. The daughter can't digest the homework and is very irritable, but does this problem need to be solved by the mother? Is the daughter's purpose to solve the homework? If so, would it be hoped that this would be solved by reducing the number of jobs?
Many people will also rush to give a lot of advice when the other party complains. In fact, the way to give advice does not make the other party feel good, but hints at the other party: you shut up.
Similarly, if you are talking to the other person about a disturbing matter, and he is more anxious than you are to solve the problem, you will also have an uncomfortable feeling, and this discomfort is violated.
When a person encounters unhappiness, you should remember that not all problems must be solved, and not all problems must be solved immediately. Before solving a problem, people need to go through a process of emotional fermentation, and then they raise their own willingness to solve the problem.
At this time, people who want to solve the problem may choose the way to ask for help. And giving help when the other party asks for help is the best time to accompany. Helping when there is no call for help often becomes control, aggression and preaching.
3
Slightly better companionship is to talk with you and play with you
If the other person is unhappy, your first reaction is to chat with him, want to take him out to relax, eat good food, go shopping, play electric, and even go out to travel.
This kind of companionship can indeed comfort people to a certain extent. It's actually a distraction, you forcibly pull the other person out of one world and into another. It's as if if the problem is not discussed at the moment, it does not exist.
A man is out of love, and you take him to the movies. The child is crying, and you show him other toys. I've seen a mom like this, and whenever her daughter cries, she quickly pulls out her phone to take pictures of her daughter and tells her that crying is not beautiful. This method is very effective, and the daughter can immediately stop crying. But I looked very sad, and at this moment, my daughter's sadness was not known.
The advantage of this kind of companionship is that no one has to face bad emotions. The disadvantage is that you are implying to the other person: you can't be unhappy, and unhappiness is shameful.
If someone is talking to you, talking about exactly what you like, this can also make people feel more comfortable. You have a lot of fun talking, from the southeast to the northwest, from astronomy to geography. But what about after the conversation?
You don't have much of a link to the person who is with you. Your relationship hasn't moved forward much. After time, it will still not be very intimate.
4
The best companionship is to accompany a person's emotions
When you complain, I accompany you to complain. When you're angry, I'll be angry with you. When you are frustrated, I accompany you in frustration. When you are sad, I accompany you to be sad. When you are lonely, I accompany you alone.
I'm just with you, not changing you.
When your daughter is very irritable when she can't finish her homework, you just need to say "yes, there is a lot of homework, it is annoying", and that is enough. When a person tells you that he is anxious about not making money, you just have to say "yeah, you're anxious if you can't make money". When a person is saying they're not good enough, all you have to do is say," "Yeah, you don't think you're good enough." ”
You don't need to comfort him, no, no, you're fine, everything will be fine. Of course, this is also an effective consolation, and what is more effective than this is: yes, it is true, it seems to you that it is.
Through your eyes, he can know: all this is possible. Loneliness is okay, sadness is okay, anxiety is okay, frustration is okay, crying is okay. Except for those things that hurt yourself and others, everything is OKAY.
The first two kinds of companions are saying," "The status quo is not good for you like this, you have to change it." And the companionship of emotions is saying, "All this is possible," and permission and seeing are the greatest companionship.
You may not believe it, but people will ferment when they are allowed. As long as you are next to him and wait for him quietly, he will automatically have the courage and methods to solve the pain, and he will automatically be able to get out of the predicament.
Each of us has enough resources to solve our own problems, it's just that we lack time and trust. We are in a hurry to solve it but do not know that we are in a hurry, and in panic we do not believe that we can develop strength. A good companionship is actually a firm look that tells you: it is okay.
5
How you can find companionship
After you know what good companionship is, the first thing you can do is: refuse.
If someone is enthusiastic about giving you advice and helping you solve problems, they are eager to eat the food for you to digest for you, and if you have discomfort, refuse in time. You know, although it is a good intention, it is not a good companionship.
If someone always wants to take you to play, give you chatter, afraid that you don't know that he cares about you, if you have discomfort, please refuse in time. You know, although he wants to, he doesn't know what good companionship is.
It's a happy thing to have someone to stay with you in your emotions for a while. You can go looking for such people, or you can invite the other person to do this to you. If you're not so lucky, at least you have to be with yourself. Don't rush yourself to change, don't rush out of a certain state.
A lot of people encourage not to get caught up in emotions, and I happen to think that emotions should be immersed for a while. Immerse yourself in it and ferment automatically, and it will carry power.
So when you're in a bad mood, you don't have to rush to eat, drink, and have fun, you just have to tell yourself:
I can.
I can be sad, I can be sad, I can be wronged, I can be angry, I can be lonely, I can be anxious, I can complain, I can blame, I can please, I can lie flat, I can...
If no one knows how to accompany you, you can accompany yourself.
About the author
Cong Feicong, a playful, profound and practical psychological counselor, studies relationships, emotions and growth, and is the author of "The Power of Self-Growth", "Originally, Understanding Is More Important Than Love", "Satya Model and Self-Growth" and so on.