Source: Zhou Xiaokuan
Source | Zhou Xiaokuan (ID: xiaokuanjoy)
Apathy doesn't necessarily mean rejection,
Attacking doesn't necessarily mean negativity either.
Constantly telling the hatred inside,
Maybe there's a lot of love.
About seeing, about reality,
We still have a long way to go.
This path is not a lesson,
This in itself is a healing and liberation.
· 01 ·
See, in fact, the ultimate purpose is to help a person to understand and accept.
To allow ourselves to be seen is to help us to be understood and accepted, and thus to understand and accept ourselves.
The ultimate purpose of seeing others for oneself is also to understand and accept the truth of others.
Sometimes seeing is to get out hate,
For example, seeing the "good but actually cruel things that parents used to do for their children",
If there is no "seeing the truth", obedient children can only unconditionally identify with their parents, unable to describe their own injuries, and unable to express their inner reluctance and hatred.
But seeing is not the end of hatred.
After the release of hatred, we actually see a lot of things.
When your heart gradually calms down, expresses your anger, and deals with the repressed parts of the year, you may still see love.
We always see a part of ourselves first, but if we look at it next, you are likely to see the part of yourself, the opposite of yourself.
This is called the "stripping away" of self-truth.
We need to be open-minded and see what is buried within ourselves, especially those contradictory parts that we shy away from.
Because of contradictions, instinctive avoidance.
But this contradiction is precisely the biggest conflict in your heart.
I have a friend who especially likes to tell stories about her hating her mother.
She likes to reminisce about how her mother was harsh on her when she was a child, how she beat her when she was naughty, how she said those vicious words, how she got cancer because she was grumpy, how she didn't cooperate with the treatment after she got cancer, and how she kept asking her daughter for it until the end of her life.
In her memories, she reproached her mother over and over again, expressing her anger and hatred for her.
Whenever I talk about grievances, I will have tears in my eyes.
And her mother, who has been dead for ten years.
I've listened to it many times. Finally, one day, from my friend's deep resentment, I heard her strong love for her mother.
There's not just hate there. In the memories of being full of hatred and accusations against his mother, in fact, friends are also expressing their reluctance to their mothers in this way, and they still have expectations that they have not given up.
Although her mother has been dead for ten years, she still lives in her daily thoughts, in her chats with friends, and in her accusations. She also longs to be loved by her mother again, so she can't let her mother leave like this.
Mom has been gone for ten years, but she is still the little girl who was full of grievances waiting for her mother to see and caress her.
In my opinion, this is also love.
· 02 ·
Our love for others is sometimes difficult to recognize, just as other people love us.
Because we are used to absolutely idealizing a thing.
Because absolute idealization is always simpler.
However, in fact, there are too many complex and even contradictory truths in life, just as our hearts are actually very complex and contradictory.
Apathy does not necessarily mean rejection, and attack does not necessarily mean denial.
And some people will only attack people close to them, you can explain that "people close to them will not leave, so he feels safe to attack, so of course he attacks people close to them."
You can also understand how strong this is trust.
If your husband or wife always attacks you and you don't attack others, you will be very angry, of course, it is normal to be angry.
But if you then come to the conclusion that "he/she must be the least serious about you and the least afraid of offending you, because you are better bullied", then I am afraid that this is an overly absolutely simple conclusion.
Why?
Another scene, if your child, to others are more polite and careful, on the outside to behave politely understand the advance and retreat, but in front of you sometimes will not be big or small, speak directly, not inferior, when the mood is not good, you always make you very congested,
I can't talk to you well.
Do you think that this child loves others or doesn't love you?
No, you will probably know naturally that it is closeness, that is trust, and that is because you and he are the closest and dearest people in the world.
What is the truth?
The truth is that it is not so absolute and simple.
Whatever is absolutely simple and pure, I am afraid, is not the truth.
We always understand selectively, tending to absolutize and purify what we see.
So it's hard for us to see the truth.
Whether it's self's or someone else's.
Why do we come to different conclusions about our partners and children and see different things about the same behavior?
Because you are in front of your partner, in fact, a child, you want him to be your parent and compensate for your childhood that is not loved enough, so if he attacks you, you will be extra sad.
Your dissatisfaction and hatred for him is always easier for you to see,
But your deep desire and expectation for him, like the tenderness of a child always waiting for his parents, this deeply linked inner relationship between you and your partner is often not recognized and seen by you.
If there is no expectation, there is no longer the hatred that arises from unfulfilled.
My friend did this to my deceased mother,
The angry person who mourns is so true of his disappointing partner,
The same is true of the person who is always denied and desires to be identified with the relationships around them.
Because there is a deep expectation,
That's why there are so many emotions and so many grievances and hatreds.
Can you see this truth?
· 03 ·
Therefore, when we talk about the truth and sincerity, it is often still one-sided.
We only believe and see what we want to believe and see in the present moment.
So the parts that can trigger feelings of contradiction and confusion are selectively invisible to us.
Everybody is like that.
This is understandable.
A man who hits you, you immediately define him as a bad guy, you can immediately hit him back, even harder than he hits.
But if a person hits you, and you still have to understand why he hit you, then you may be momentarily confused.
If he had his grievances and reasons, would I still have to fight tooth for tat?
I thought that if I saw more of each other, it might bring a moment of confusion, yes.
But if we can accommodate this complex part of human nature, our world can become wider.
We can accommodate the inner conflicts between ourselves and others, the opposition between good and bad, like ice and fire,
can exist in your world at the same time,
If your inner space has the ability to understand this part,
Then obviously, you are a person with more accepting power.
You will be more accepting of yourself and more accepting of others.
You don't have that much hatred for the world anymore.
You don't feel that the world or others are just bad and are deliberately harming you.
If you understand the world, understand that the original family itself is a person's original destiny, there may be parts that we can't completely cross,
If you can humbly acknowledge that you and others have certain patterns that you want to change but can't change,
Instead, you have reached a reconciliation with the world.
You understand the imperfections of the world, the imperfections of others, and your own imperfections.
It's about seeing, it's about being true.
· 04 ·
Last night, my eldest son, who was in the first grade, suddenly had a fever and kept saying that it was uncomfortable, so I immediately gave him two kinds of medicines, looked at his face that was red and fluttering because of the fever, and saw that he was uncomfortable, and I was also very uncomfortable, and I hoped that he would get better quickly.
I didn't do anything, my heart was in him.
At night he fell asleep, but I didn't sleep well, worried that his body temperature would rise again at night, so I guarded him, changed his sweat towel a few times, and touched his forehead many times. After making sure he didn't have a fever, I fell asleep.
Seeing this, I don't know if you will feel my love for him.
Next, I'm going to tell you,
I've been worried that he continues to have a fever,
I'm afraid he won't be able to get up normally in the morning and can't catch the school bus, so I have to drive him, back and forth is an hour,
And if he doesn't have a fever, maybe he won't be able to take the final test.
Then I also need to deal with the consequences of this matter, go and explain to the teacher, and see if there is a remedy.
I certainly don't want these things to happen, and that's the real voice that reverberates inside me.
His fever brought me a lot of anxiety, he had a fever, and I was relieved at that moment.
How would you feel when you saw this?
What I want to say is that such fragments actually happen in everyone's life, in relationships, and between people.
Our thinking and psychology are so complicated, and there are many contradictions in our instincts.
I don't know what he will say about me one day in his life.
This assessment will not change.
But I think that if one day he knows that although I cannot give him perfect and pure maternal love, in the midst of imperfection and impurity, he can still see and feel that my love for him is a real existence -
Then he must be able to accept the world and his own complexities more, to accept those loves and hates.
<The End>