"Have you ever loved someone and fought desperately just to be with them?"
"I Want Us Together," a film I've been waiting for for eight years, finally came out on May 20 this year.
In fact, in high school, I had a Sohu blog, such a retro term, I'm afraid not many people remember. The night I watched the movie, I couldn't sleep all night, and turned over the past that had been about to be erased by memory, some green and childish, and some regret and regret. All that's left about your memories are these blog logs, and I don't know if you'll see them or how you're doing right now.
Please take care of you now for the past me, and live seriously.
------------------------------
"I miss you."
At the end of 2013, QQ suddenly popped up your message, and my heart trembled. Just four words, but it overwhelmed me. That night, a rare ease, dreamed of holding your hand and kissing your bright eyes. Let all the displeasure and misfortune disappear, I saw the bright but unobtrusive sunshine, blooming in the starry sky, I knew that even if the whole world was against me, you would accompany me to the end of the world. However, the dream woke up.
PART A
In 2009, we graduated from high school and faced parting ways. After the college entrance examination, I frantically asked you out, shopping, eating, watching movies, pressing the road, doing all the things that can think of lovers at that age should do.
After watching "Nanjing! nanking! That night, we walked side by side on the road to the state, and you asked me, do you know what I like about you? I looked at you ignorantly, and you said, I like you really. true? hehe. Yeah, something I've always been proud of. In the three years of high school, he skipped class, fought, and called the director of instruction. Sometimes, it is not that they will not pretend to be forced, but they do not want to pretend to be forced, it is not that they dare not lie, but they feel that there is no need to lie. You named this character "True," and I gladly accepted it.
In April 2010, I lied to you, send you a gift, probably these days, don't go far, be sure to wait honestly, and then I bought a train ticket to Z City. It was a rush trip and the first trip of my life alone. A coat, a backpack, and that's it. In Early April in Shanghai, it was raining lightly. But it seems that a rainbow has been erected in front of my eyes, and the other end of the rainbow is your charming smile. I had never sat in a hard-seated carriage, but after getting on the train, I was stunned, feeling that the implementation of the family planning policy was too late, and at the same time, I suddenly realized that this was a difficult journey, and the crowd in the aisle of the carriage was really rubbing shoulders and sweating like rain. Sixteen hours is almost half an hour and half an hour. When you see the horizon of dawn, you get rid of drowsiness and exhaustion in an instant. Because I know, I'm closer to you.
Walk out of the Z City train station, without a stop, and go straight to the long-distance station opposite. Compared to an all-night train, the two-hour bus ride seems like nothing to fear. It was a sunny day, the traffic outside the window was sparse and dense, and the sunlight softened the entire asphalt pavement. I couldn't see the end of the road, but I saw countless scenes of reunion with you. What kind of girl will more than half a year of college life turn you into? Jeans canvas shoes or a simple sportswear?
Hungry enough to feel nothing but extremely energetic, he got off the long-distance bus and immediately got into a taxi. "Master, keep going, S Main Gate." Although it is the first time to come to the city, the satellite map has long been deeply imprinted in the heart, flower beds, squares, buildings and one intersection after another. I'm trying to imagine you as if you'd be a little lonely in this city.
A horizontal plaque with gold characters on a blue background hangs in the middle of the gatehouse, with red walls and green tiles, and is antique. This is the first impression I have of where you are about to spend four years. Turn around three times at a time, carefully observe every corner, for fear of missing your shadow. The campus is very empty near the holidays, standing in front of the map for a long time and unable to find the L6 dormitory, dialing your number but no one answers. A person stands in the square in front of the library, lamenting the grandeur of the library, while a sense of empty loneliness arises, strange city, strange campus, and whether you will become strange.
A crisp ringtone came from the phone. "Hey, hmm. The courier called me and said I couldn't find you, you go to the door of the library, he said to wait there for ten minutes. "After all the hardships, I finally came to the place where I thought about it day and night, but I was nervous and overwhelmed. Hide behind a pillar and stare at every intersection you might appear at. Yet you showed up on a bicycle out of my blind spot. When did you learn to ride? In my junior year of high school, I would take you to and from school, and you told me you wouldn't ride a bike. You saw me looking at you, and you thought you would burst into tears and rush over to give me a fierce hug. As a result, you actually burst out laughing, and I, who had not yet eased up, was panicked by your unexpected smile. I wanted to surprise you with the result but I was surprised. It's not a dream, time and distance are no longer a problem, I just stand in front of you, look at you stupidly, just stand like this, just want to stand like this all the time.
You took me to Longyuan Lake Park and bought a triangular kite with two tails for thirty yuan. The sky is still clear, and the square is filled with kites of all kinds. Our kite is always swirling at a low altitude, you say I'm stupid, in fact, at that time I couldn't see the kite, I couldn't see the crowd, I only saw you running with the wind. I think of the day when the mock exam ended in my senior year of high school, it was also a dusk with burning clouds, the sunset pulled our shadows to a very long, long time, and you ran through the intersection with open arms to avoid the traffic, and smiled back at me like a child. At night I insisted on sending you back to the dorm and then going back to the hotel alone. Later, a friend said that I was an idiot and did not know how to seize the opportunity. In fact, they don't understand, they don't understand that you are so pure and beautiful in my heart, and it can even be said that it is a sacred faith.
The next day, you came to the hotel early and called me. We walked through the quiet campus, through the noisy street market, the time passed minute by minute, and it was near noon, standing under the overpass, and I raised my forearm flat, palm up, and said, Come, put your hooves up. You pout again. "Hurry up," I urged. But you looked around at your red cheeks and ear roots at a loss, and I gripped your wrist tightly and dragged it away. Regardless of your struggles, I don't care about the strange eyes of the passers-by around you. That was the first time I held your hand, but it was so awkward and funny because of the nervousness and inexperience. You dropped me off at the station, stood at the ticket gate before parting, you said with wet eyes that you were going all the way, you should have been holding you to help you dry your tears, and finally just cowardly patted you on the shoulder and said I'm gone, take care of yourself.
It's a walk-and-go trip, for love that is desperate for you. Travel more than a thousand kilometers, from seeing you to leaving you, less than a day. The amount of time spent with you is even more limited if it is calculated by the hour. But to this day I still remember that short, brilliant time, and I am even more determined that I will remember it for the rest of my life.
College isn't as easy as you might think. The grade point class in the third year of college is like a dump of garbage, but you can't hide it. And you are my most powerful motivation.
On October 20, 2011, you went to Hangzhou and passed through Shanghai. On weekend nights, I reluctantly pull you to Fudan. You say it's your dream campus. In more than two years in Shanghai, the first time I came to Fudan, the most impressive thing was the "Please speak Mandarin, please write the standard characters" posted on the door of each classroom. Is this Fudan's school motto? You forgive my ignorance. We sat together on the lawn in front of the Guanghua Building, with few moons and dense mosquitoes. I urged you to hurry up, but you lay on the stone steps and said that you were tired and couldn't get up, and at that time, I didn't understand what you meant, so I said casually, then sit down. You glared at me fiercely, stood up and patted your ass head and walked away without looking back.
We sat side by side on the benches of the Jiangwan Stadium subway station, and you leaned on my shoulder with your eyes closed. This is our closest distance, your breath is in my neck and ears, your hands are tightly held by me and dare not let go, there are very few people at the station at night, only a brief wind sound comes along the track, I can feel your heartbeat, like beautiful notes woven into a gorgeous movement. I greedily enjoyed the good times. I don't remember how I dropped you off that night, and I don't remember how I got back to my place that night, the only thing I remember is that I held your hand and never let go.
PART B
On October 20, 2012, I successfully passed the TOEFL test.
Just before I left, I had a very strong vision for this familiar but unfamiliar country. Plan to make sure to record every day because it's a fresh start. I recall the moment I first entered the university four years ago, the sky was shining brightly, the white walls and red tiles of the building, the green grass on the lakeside, and the sister paper everywhere. Looking at the distant back of his father and mother, he forgot the vows of youth and naïve innocence. Four years later, when I landed on the territory of the United States Empire and dragged my suitcase to the T4 terminal of la, in the midst of the blonde crowd, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. I see all kinds of snacks and souvenirs but I don't see Chinese characters, and occasionally I find MADE IN CHINA, but I don't know if I should be proud. I hear music in different languages in various storefronts but don't Chinese songs. I saw flags of various countries hanging on the ceiling, including Japan and South Korea, but I didn't find the five-star red flag. What is strange? Strange is to hear Chinese song will tears, strange is to see the national flag and want to kneel, strange is to live the opposite life with friends and relatives across the 12-hour jet lag.
Settle down and force yourself to adapt to study and life in the United States, and everything is on track in an orderly manner. Shoulders that once relied on each other are now wandering in the sea of people. All the unforgettable memories have also turned into the past clouds and smoke with you, no longer mentioned not because they have forgotten, not because they have not forgotten, but incomparably nostalgic but always afraid of memories, that sincere and thorough glass heart has been scattered on the ground, all the way ups and downs are tortured upside down, time can not be taken over, but can bring surprises. Surprise, it's you.
On October 20, 2013, I suddenly saw your QQ avatar flashing in the notification area. It's rare that you would initiate contact me.
You say, "You hate me enough to hide so far." ”
I said, "Yeah, there's a chance I want to leave Earth." ”
You said you were going to shanghai for a few days and wanted to go to my school. I was momentarily confused, what is there to see? How do you know now that I wrote your name on the observation deck of the Tower of the Five Sects? How do you know I've won a basketball game for you at the Light court? How would I know I was sitting on a high stool on the first floor of Wisteria and messaging you? How do you know I called you by the window in the lounge on the third and fourth floors? How would I know that the night I was dumped by you was drunk at the KTV outside the East Gate? Nothing will know what else you're going to do?
You said you finally knew how much I had paid for you. Actually, you don't know, because even I don't know.
You ask me, "Are you really going to come to Shenzhen?" ”
I said, "Yes." ”
You say, "I'll wait for you." ”
Life is like a tape, with A-side and B-side. If the A side is engraved with glorious happiness and happiness, then the B side will certainly record the unknown pain and sorrow. There is a turning point between the A and B sides.
Back in 2010, within a few days of returning from Fudan University, we broke up. The reason is as cheesy as in the TV series, your family does not agree with you and me, and the reason for the rejection is more official. Throughout the school year I lived in resentment and fell into unfathomable lows. Every night when I close my eyes, I comfort myself that tomorrow will be fine and everything will pass. However, every time you open your eyes and see the first rays of dawn, you know that everything has not passed, and you have to hold on to your scalp. Still nostalgic for that trip, the scenery of the car window flying by is like a rotating year, alternating between black and white, no gradient, only between the lines, and finally seeing those empty eyes struggling hard, but can not hide the inner tiredness. It's all, come on, stay up. According to the clichéd storyline of the TV series, I should go abroad, try my best to do a career on the salary, and then come back and say that I haven't seen it for a long time.
Later, I watched a video of Lejia being a guest on a talk show, and he blew himself up about the days when he had struggled with the rich family of Bai Fumei's girlfriend. He said something on the show: "When you don't have the strength in your own heart, you will blame all the guilt and mistakes on others, you will think of yourself as a victim, when you are really powerful, you dare to have the ability and courage to dissect yourself, and you realize that many problems are not as you think." 」 I don't think she's making a good bridge between me and her parents, but I don't actually know that the pressure she's under has far exceeded my imagination. ”
This passage made me see clearly the fact that I did not dare to face it and the cowardice that I did not dare to admit. As the song goes, "Forgive me for not having the courage to say to you, I just want to be with you forever."
Never ask me again what happiness is.
Take the crowded 864 bus with you to watch a movie in Yingdu, this is happiness;
Sitting with you in the dessert shop eating cakes, running together in the square flying kites, this is happiness;
Holding hands with you silently snuggled on a bench in the subway waiting hall, this is happiness.
That's my happiness.
October 20, 2014, eight years of acquaintance, six years of love for you. Now I'm going to Shenzhen to chase you again, are you ready?
Part C
Wouldn't it be too good if the story ended here?
In fact, life is not as simple as a tape, and sometimes, it has a C-side.
On October 20, 2016, the sky in New York was still so blue, just like when I first arrived in the United States, but the white clouds looked particularly lonely. I haven't returned home for three whole years. I'm used to living alone and seem to have forgotten what home is like. Friends told me that Y City had a new look, that elevated roads had been erected at the intersection where school had passed, and that the streets were lined with greenery. Thank you to the mayor for rebuilding Taiyuan City. Brings new cities and also takes away your shadow.
I finally boarded the plane back home and was ready to start a new life, and I firmly believe that in the days to come, there will be no more loneliness and no more you.