The Paper's reporter Wang Qianni intern Feng Jiaxin
Feminist therapy emerged in the West in the late 1960s. Its emergence coincided with the second wave of feminist movement in the United States. The initial followers of this therapy were mainly female psychotherapists. These women, who are discriminated against in the workplace, turn their protests against sexism into motivation, creating a replacement for mainstream psychotherapy for women seeking psychotherapy.
Psychological counselor and writer Zhang Chun has also realized the necessity of a "feminist" perspective in his past career experience. "Arguably, most of my female clients are depressed by the reality that women have been repressed for a long time." Zhang Chun told The Paper.
She shared with us her rather sharp observations about the counseling industry itself.
Zhang Chun
dictate:
At a meeting of counselors, a group of academic leaders discussed a case of a woman who had been abused by the family, and one of them commented that she "did not blame domestic violence for such behavior", which made me seriously uncomfortable.
In my opinion, A group of industry experts and peers commented on a client who was abused by domestic violence, thinking that her behavior pattern was "looking for a fight", which shocked me extremely. I was shocked that this lacked a simple conscience.
What shocked me even more was that some of the people who thought I was present just didn't dare to directly face the objections of the seniors, but I quickly found that they really didn't think there was a problem with that kind of statement.
This incident had a big impact on me. I have always known that the counseling industry is not very friendly to women, but this incident has refreshed my cognition. But after the initial disappointment and depression passed, what I felt, was more anger.
In the various psychology industry exchanges I have participated in, I have come into contact with hundreds of peers, but I can clearly feel that there are only a few people who realize that "women are experiencing injustice". I took this to heart and reminded myself to cheer up and not to give up the world.
A "diffuse" depression that can be touched
The etiology and pathogenesis of depression are unclear, but as people explore depression, a large number of research data suggest that a major predisposing factor for depression comes from psychology and society, especially stressful life events.
I feel that there is a "female depression".
I often encounter an emotion in my work, some female clients will feel that "I am all right, but it is not right", "I have done everything, but I am not living right, I feel wrong", they do not know what problems they have, they have not encountered any extraordinary events, or have suffered any specific trauma, but they feel pain and feel ashamed of their pain, and even feel that they should not take up my consulting time.
This type of visitor rarely shared any specific trauma with me, and a mysterious diffuse pain and depression occupied them. Their daily lives are just ordinary small things, and they have not been sexually assaulted, domestic violence or bullying. However, the pain they felt continued intensely. In the consultation, all the possible problems were dealt with, but the client still felt that everything was meaningless.
This feeling of déjà vu, this was also my experience, for a long time I was depressed, this pain is not only because of depression, but also because I can't understand where I am not satisfied, where life is sorry for me, and then feel more remorseful: why are others so good, how can I not be happy?
Others say this is probably due to the fact that women can easily internalize a victim mentality. I don't quite understand this statement: if I am indeed a victim, then all my mentality is a "victim mentality", what is wrong with this? So how is this "nothing wrong" mood automatically internalized?
Until one day, every concrete and subtle situation faced by the visitors gradually condensed into a fog in front of me, and seeing that their lives were constantly experiencing a kind of air-like pervasive dense discipline and urging, I finally realized that this frustration was mysterious, diffuse, intense, and persistent because it was determined by the structure of society.
Feminist Therapy cover
That is why this urge is not something that can be overcome by a single person, by individual courage, talent, and effort, and even most of the time, because it is so common that people are unaware of its existence. And that moment, when I realized that all my cowardice, timidity, and depression came from being a woman, I felt like I had found the source of my problem. It is the identity of women itself that causes this dilemma. And this difference between women and men is not natural, it is more shaped.
It's not depression, it's anger, or anger that belongs solely to patriarchal power structures.
I can give a small example of this diffuse suffering. Before that, I was a teaching assistant in Teacher Li Songwei's reading club, and this job needed to be filmed. When the course was released publicly, I suddenly found that although I was not the only one who appeared on camera, I was criticized by many people in the community of book friends. This feeling of being reviewed is terrifying. For example, she moves too much when she speaks, or, Zhang Chun's clothes can not be worn plainly, or, can you laugh a little less, Zhang Chun's voice is too loud and harsh, and so on. I or other female counselors are often subjected to this kind of comment when working with male teachers, and male teachers are usually not judged this way.
This is actually a shaping force.
Such a scene is not accidental. In the past, such comments would have made me back off, but now I take these voices more seriously because they're not just directed at me. The reason why I have this encounter at this moment is because I am a woman, and this kind of encounter is a woman's daily life.
Of course, I still get scared, just like when I was a child, every summer, girls must meet to wear skirts together, because the first girl to wear a skirt is bound to be ridiculed and attacked. So if my buddies lose faith and I'm the only one wearing a dress the next day, I'm done.
This, of course, partly reflects the power of acquired discipline, and if you had not experienced such a childhood, you would not have the worry and fear of others today.
In my work, I do not select the gender of my clients, but there is an objective phenomenon that more than 80% of practitioners and clients in the counseling industry are women. Specific to me, eighty-five percent of my current 1600-hour job is spent working with women.
2015 edition of "A Moment in a Lifetime" book cover
Of course, I have also met so-called "straight" visitors, but it is necessary to maintain a professional attitude even in the face of clients I don't like so much. And, can we find a client who is not influenced by social rules, who is not influenced by patriarchal ideas? It's so hard that even I myself am influenced by the "misogynistic culture" and it's even less likely to pick out the so-called ideal visitors.
So while I have my own feminist values, my job is to help the client achieve the change he wants, not what I want.
For example, a male client said, "I'm anxious that I can't get money right now, I'm not rich enough, so the girl I like doesn't like me, and I want you to fix this girl for me." "This is a very unreliable idea in my opinion. So first I'll clarify: I can't fix the people around you unless she thinks it's a problem herself and she comes to me for help.
I asked him: What is the trouble this girl has caused you?
He said: I can't make her my girlfriend.
I said: So what do you think she can do to be your girlfriend?
He said: I'm going to get richer.
I went on to ask: What can you do to make yourself richer?
He said: "There's no way I can do it now.
I said: If the financial situation is like this for the time being, do you have any other clues that may make her like you?
Then maybe he'll think further.
Am I trying to correct him in a job like this? I don't think so. I'm still following his point of view and serving him in the direction he wants.
He's not going to just think about how I can make money and then let "these women bow down to me", if he doesn't go in that direction, then I did influence him, although I didn't tell him directly, "You are influenced by the invisible patterns of men and women getting along, you have to change your patriarchal thinking." ”
Men and women face the node of "infidelity" differently
Infidelity seems to have always been a very concerned social topic, and of course, women come to counsel as infidelity in marriage.
But what I find interesting is that of all the clients I've met, women are "in the midst of cheating" when they come to them for help as unfaithful people. For example, if I cheat, or I want to cheat, but I don't allow myself to do it, or I don't like it myself, they come to ask for help and wonder where they should go.
Women who cheat in marriage often face complex conflicts, infidelity is often just a trigger point, their pain is often more than that, and the problems they encounter have occurred long before they cheated.
Stills of "Kim Ji-young born in 1982"
In stark contrast, when men who are cheating parties come to counseling, things are often "exposed", and now the family has been "fried", women are crazy, children are injured, the elderly are crying, and now I am anxious, what should I do? This difference in time is still quite obvious and interesting.
One of my basic ideas in the face of this kind of case is that whether the cheating party is male or female, it is actually the result of the collusion of both husband and wife. There is no universal approach to follow, and it is still necessary to analyze it according to specific cases.
For example, if a client can't give up two relationships inside and outside the family, then I will ask the client, what kind of attachment do these two feelings give you? One of my female clients told me that with a lover there will be a feeling of being in love, a feeling of being happy and indulgent than in a marriage.
So I continued to ask her, can you give an example? "I've been refusing us to have sex, and I know I can't refuse if he asks for it any further, but he stopped asking for it, which makes me very grateful," she said. ”
This case made me reflect on whether women rejected so little that when we refused, someone really heard our request, and we would be grateful for it.
I said that in relationships, it's just a basic respect, not a precious or excellent quality, and I'll share that common sense with her. I wasn't sure if my opinion ultimately helped her, and she later told me she had made up her mind about the relationship.
I express my regret for this "gratitude", which is arrogant to those who are in pain. I always feel very sorry at such times. I wish I could have a better way to express that. She may be very miserable because of this. It is also possible to think: If it is only like this, I think it is very good? What kind of bad relationship were you in before that?
Stills from Marriage Story
There is also a very interesting story, let's start with "I have a friend". She told the counselor, "My trouble is not that I cheated, but that I cheated but I don't feel guilty about it, and this thing makes me feel stressed." ”
The counselor's response was: If you don't get a divorce as soon as possible, you're enjoying this feeling of moral corruption.
She felt offended by this. Because, when a client comes to the counselor, the default counselor should help me solve the problem, but the reality is that even in a secret room, in a supposedly safest environment, you will still be morally judged first: you have cheated, but you have not torn your heart and lungs, and some people will feel unhappy. Even if this person takes your money and should serve you, he wants to express his condemnation. "How can you enjoy it without suffering, how can you sway and make the mistakes that all 'women' make?"
Therefore, the moral cost of women's infidelity, or moral pressure, is greater, which is not the reason for a person's personality, physique or characteristics, but the result of continuous discipline in human society for thousands of years.
Speaking of the moral pressure carried by the two sexes is not consistent, in the face of infidelity, if a woman can say the sentence "I don't want the marriage to break up, nor do I want to give up this extramarital affair" in such a secret room as the counseling room, it is already against the sky. But in reality, some men can not only express themselves publicly, but even boast as talking points.
I want everyone to be able to live the life they want. If you desire loyalty, you can find a loyal relationship, and if you want to be open, you can find an open relationship. Everyone is free to choose the relationship they want and handle their own life. This is the direction I want to go, and it is also the direction I am trying to do. We are all part of the environment. If we improve a little, the environment changes a little.
Calling the police for a woman who has been victims of domestic violence is "throwing a chicken into the river"
I once shared a case in which a woman who was experiencing domestic violence came to me for counseling, and the help I was able to give her was to study together how to do it the next week without being beaten. The reporter asked me, why don't you just help her call the police? Is it only at some point that our consultants can intervene?
When encountering bad behavior that may cause harm to others, psychological counselors have the need to break through the principle of confidentiality to report to the police, which is OK. But if I'm dealing with an adult woman who has the conditions to call the police herself, like she's not restricted from communicating with the outside world, she can call or leave the house, but she doesn't call the police. In this case, I want to analyze: the alarm is not what she wants at the moment.
For example, there was a visitor who obviously not only did not want to call the police, she did not even think about leaving her husband. If I call the police at this time, it is equivalent to "throwing a chicken into the river." Although her situation was terrible at the moment, in her feelings, if I rushed to the police, I put my hand so long, but it made her situation more difficult.
Usually, there are many complicated reasons why the victim of domestic violence cannot leave immediately, the most important of which is her self-blame. They will reflect, "Did I do all this today because I did something wrong"? Even before that, there was a more shocking question that I was 100 percent asked every time: "Is this domestic violence?" ”
Adjusting this concept will be a long process. A victim of domestic violence was able to leave, not because he "suddenly figured it out", but because he "finally succeeded".
I can tell it in a simpler way—her husband beat her up involuntarily, and I involuntarily went to the police—and while the analogy is unacceptable—it's all against her will. What is even more devastating is that when her husband beat her, he said to her, "I am for your own good", and she once believed this, so she would be unable to extricate herself from such a situation as today. So think about it, can we intervene in her life for the same "I am for your own good" reason? Being betrayed in a relationship of original trust is where her despair lies.
So, when I encounter such a situation, if the object is a minor, I will choose to call the police. But the adult situation is often more complex than we think, so I need to think a little more within my professional scope and try to maximize the interests of the client.
In some technical schools, psychological counselors will emphasize the trauma of the original family, and emphasize the unfriendly or conflicting interpersonal relationships in the status quo, which are all projections of some kind of childhood trauma. In my counseling practice, the feminist concept can give more strength and emotional support to female clients, such as making individuals less self-blame.
2018 edition of "1003 Days in Another Universe" book cover
I want to say to my female friends: whatever way you can help you, you can use whatever way you want. Counseling has never been the only tool for people to help themselves, it is just one of the tools.
Even the discipline of psychology is very young, in the long course of human society, before the establishment of this discipline, the application of psychology may be worship, fortune telling, practice, word divination or "yang and yin violation", "self-deception", these ways of opening up and balancing psychological energy have always existed. There are many ways to help yourself, such as learning new words and ideas to build a new framework for understanding the world, reading, exercising, doing gardening, and so on.
In addition, the process of selecting a consultant does not have to give too heavy meaning, in fact, it is the same as picking a barber, always paying some trial and error costs. You listen to the barber when you get a haircut because you can't shave your head yourself. But listening to him now, that is, trying, if not, change people. The same is true of psychological counseling, which is originally a paid professional service, you pay, the counselor uses professional skills to serve you, and the client's feeling is the complete law of service. You walk into the salon to be more comfortable and fresh, and when you walk into the counseling room, you get help with the changes you want. You probably won't need a barber who will put you on a moral trial, and the same will be true for a counselor. If the visitor is not satisfied, this service will not work.
Finally, then again, there are many genres of counseling, and in counseling work, without a "feminist perspective," it can be equally successful. Some teachers use techniques that do not look at gender structures, but their work is still effective. In other words, to be a qualified counselor, a gender perspective may be a condition, but not the only one.
(Intern Mengyuan Zhao also contributed to this article)
bibliography
[American] Laura M. S. Brown Feminist Therapy, Dai Chenchen, translation. Chongqing: Chongqing University Press, 2021.
Editor-in-Charge: Liang Jia
Proofreader: Luan Meng