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"I clearly declare that all bride price will be dispensed with."
This is a freshman boy, after 00, on "Boys really can't accept the bride price?" " answer.
His reasons were:
Marriage is a matter of two people, not two families.
Based on this logic, he believes that after marriage, couples should not be responsible for their partners' families.
I even put the words "I can write a eulogy for the funeral of the woman's family, but reserve the right not to attend." ”
Regardless of whether this idea is mature or not, just by looking at the answer, it is indeed carefully considered.
But he's only a freshman.
The attention of the "bride price" is now so high?
The comments section says it all.
By the time the answer was deleted, the reply under the post had approached 100,000, setting a record for 14 years.
Among them, some clap their hands and say that they are fast, and some show understanding.
More than that, it was to teach him to be a man.
Those who couldn't see it were scared back.
A stone stirs up a thousand layers of waves.
I don't know if you have a feeling, in recent years, the debate about the "bride price" has become more and more angry.
Each time, it quickly evolved from rational discussion to high-intensity confrontation.
Until the end of the greeting to each other's whole family.
It is no exaggeration to say that the "bride price issue" has become a little bit of a lead.
What is detonated is the increasingly dangerous "relationship between men and women".
Today, One Psychology will talk to you about this problem.
("Thunder" is dangerous, but we still have to step on it.) ）
The public says that there is a "ritual" for the public, and the mother-in-law says that the mother-in-law has a "ceremony"
Can men accept the bride price?
Taking the opening question as an example, the comment area flips all the way down and almost always refuses.
A 97-year-old boy who claimed to be studying for a phD in his second year said: "We should unite to abolish the bride price and safeguard our own interests." Is it reasonable not to send money to others in vain? ”
Others simply declared: "If you don't want a bride price, it's a big deal not to get married." ”
Knowing that netizens @Lazyaxe even said: "Does marriage have any meaning for men?" The essence of those who scold the bride price every day still wants to get married, but just wants to have a little less bride price. ”
In their view, in ancient times, the bride price was "buying out women's right to use from their parents"; in the modern era of equality between men and women, it is naked blackmail.
Relative to the one-sidedness of men, women's attitudes show a diversified trend.
Some girls made it clear that they would not accept the bride price because it was objectifying women.
Others believe that the key is not whether the woman wants a bride price, but whether or not the bride price is "sold" to the son in some areas to marry the daughter-in-law, which is the culprit of the ugly bride price.
There are also many people who feel that the bride price is a formality, and like the dowry, it is the starting capital of the small family, so it is understandable to ask for it.
Of course, there are also some women who directly transfer this money to their own "small treasury".
Their idea is, "Women are too much at risk when they get married, being cheated on, giving birth to unemployment, widowhood... Reserve tens of thousands of hundreds of thousands of 'security funds', more or less can have a sense of security. ”
The truth, however, is that bride price does not really guarantee a woman's future.
Very heartfelt.
Two days ago I saw a news item online.
A Gansu woman married her husband for one year and filed for divorce due to personality incompatibility.
During the separation, she gave birth to a child and was taken away by a man in just 14 hours.
"Only the woman returns the dowry and waits for 100,000 yuan to give to the child."
You see, as opposed to "safeguards" or "rituals",
The "bride price" is more like a mirror of demons, and the selfishness and fear of human nature are at a glance.
"Bride price" issue,
Locked in by a cumbersome "relationship"
Why can a small bride price reflect all kinds of human nature?
Adler, the founder of autopsychology, said: People's troubles all stem from interpersonal relationships.
The reason why the "bride price" is incurable is because it is intertwined with multiple relationships.
First and foremost is the intimate relationship between unmarried couples.
Men feel that "if you love me, you should not embarrass me"; women feel that "if you love me, you should show sincerity".
So, the story of the quarrel was searched for a lot.
Secondly, there is the parent-child relationship with the parents.
Parents feel that "the daughter who has worked hard to raise cannot be called a pig arch"; the daughter feels that "my happiness is not the most important thing".
Regardless of the outcome, the parent-child relationship has left a rift.
There are also social relations.
One side feels that what age is still talking about the bride price; the other side feels that it is less in the circle and cannot look up.
Therefore, although many people are bitter, they do not have the courage not to follow.
Give a dog a bad name and hang him.
Finally, there are power relations.
Both men and women want to gain the upper hand in the power struggle.
So the fire is in full swing, from Weibo fighting to Zhihu, from family fighting to society, exhausting everything to add weight to their own side, it is bound to make the other party bow their heads and admit defeat.
Men and women, parents and children, society, power... All kinds of relationships weave layers of shackles, making people miserable, but it is difficult to escape.
Behind the dowry issue,
It's the breakdown of relationships
Although it is not easy to smooth the relationship, it is very simple to find an object to throw the pot.
Therefore, in the end of the discussion, everyone invariably shifted the spearhead from "relationship" to "person".
Savor these statements:
Women say:
Not getting married I just have to take care of myself. After marriage, take care of the family.
The male says:
Isn't marriage oppressive to women? Since you don't get married, doesn't the bride price become nonsense?
Quarreling and quarreling, and finally "no marriage and no childbirth to ensure peace".
So, is the breakdown of the relationship between men and women really inevitable?
Historically, yes.
Once you are hooked up with "power" and "profit", you will not stop if you do not fight until you live and die.
This law of development is the same as the rise and fall of the "feminist movement" in history.
The first stage: find injustice and make appeals.
When did women start to find themselves able to hold up half the sky, but not enjoy the treatment of "half the sky"?
World war ii.
At that time, men were on the battlefield, and women were pushed to the front line of production.
As a result, they found that what men can do, they can do themselves.
More importantly, it is so good not to rely on the taste of others.
So women have entered the workplace and sought freedom of work.
Then, there is the freedom to go to school, the freedom to marry, the freedom to dress, the freedom to wear...
The confinement relaxes a little bit, and the mind awakens a little bit.
This is also the first stage of change in the relationship between men and women:
Resist the obvious injustice and take back the rights that should have belonged to you.
The second stage: to partial generalize and stigmatize the opposite sex.
As "appendages" and "victims" for thousands of years, once turned over, the grievances and anger accumulated by women finally found an outlet.
However, once corrected, it is inevitable that it will be overdone.
Thus, the "female fist" came into being.
After tasting the pleasure of "revenge on men", he was out of control and began to throw all the pots on the head of the gender.
Workplace setbacks mean that women will never have the opportunity to come out;
Marriage is frustrated, just say that men don't have a good thing;
When domestic violence is discovered, then men are potential violent maniacs...
Indeed, there are many scumbags, and there are some injustices in society.
But not everyone is like this.
However, the "female boxers" do not care, they constantly emphasize: women, all your misfortunes are brought about by men.
This is the second stage of the deterioration of the relationship between men and women:
Push the grievances you have suffered to gender differences. But I forgot that as an adult, I should also take responsibility.
The opposition began to gradually expand.
The third stage: moral kidnapping, expulsion of "female"
It is undeniable that women are beginning to gain more voice.
Some media began to please women, and the domineering president was also replaced by the big heroine.
This is a good thing.
However, a strange scene occurred: women began to spontaneously curse those same-sex people who were not "feminist".
For example, the host Zhu Dan was ridiculed by the group for "protecting the husband";
Papi sauce only gave the child a father's surname, and was scolded as a "marriage donkey" and "independent female persona collapse".
This "only one voice can have me" style is too fatherly and too patriarchal.
A third phase of deterioration in the relationship between men and women follows:
You must obey My will, or I will correct you, suppress you, and destroy you.
The fourth stage: the return of marital conservatism
As the saying goes, where there is oppression, there is resistance.
Men's interests are damaged, and the "belligerent" gene in the body is fully activated.
The "Revenge" movement began.
In addition to setting off a scolding war on the Internet, their requirements for women are becoming more and more demanding and more and more "traditional".
The most typical is the resurgence of the "virgin complex".
And women who are completely disappointed in men simply concentrate on "making money", whether it is the workplace or marriage.
The consequences of this "two-way materialization" are terrible.
Some data show that compared with the predecessors of the post-80s, the Z generation born in the Internet era has a more conservative view of marriage and love.
Source: Shell Institute
This change is intuitively reflected in the field of entertainment.
20 years ago, we still had the "ten thousand people's charm" of "three views are not correct";
20 years later, "loving only one person in a lifetime" and "virginity before marriage" have become political correctness.
Women's liberation has been shouted for decades, and at this moment it seems to be back to square one.
Leaving only the "two-way materialization" of the Shuluo field is really a matter of careful consideration.
Let the "bride price" be attributed to personal choice
The "feminist movement" has been developing for nearly 100 years.
In the past 100 years, the relationship between men and women has undergone many changes.
During the period of several pulls, the word "feminism" gradually changed its flavor.
Now, the feminist movements in Japan and South Korea have almost declared a "stage failure".
They are defeated by some women and men who are more extreme, crazier, and more united than they are.
In today's world, the contradictions between men and women are becoming increasingly fierce.
Its essence is the power struggle between people.
As long as the contradictions are not resolved from the root, the controversy surrounding the "bride price" will always exist.
On a societal level, bullets have to fly for a while.
On a personal level, however, we can choose not to be kidnapped by it.
In the final analysis, whether the bride price is given or not, whether it is given or not, is personal freedom.
Nothing to do with morality.
Then, you may wish to try to use the attitude of "great power game" to communicate the "bride price issue":
Let go of the opposites and seek a win-win situation.
How do you do that?
The first is to listen, without accusation.
When the other party speaks, no matter how "outrageous" his views seem to you, first resist the urge to be afraid, and don't subconsciously substitute yourself as a "victim".
After all, all good couples become resentful couples, starting from "if you don't give a bride price, you don't love me" and "I am such a person in your heart".
When necessary, use a few more "why do you think so" and "it is so" to guide the other party to say what they really think.
Second, find common positions and interests.
I know a couple who have been talking for 8 years, originally for the National Day wedding, the invitations were sent to me.
In the end, the talks collapsed.
The root cause is that both parties want to seek benefits for their original families more than to invest in small families.
The positions are completely different, and in the end, Lao Yan flew apart.
Therefore, to turn "your home" and "my home" into "we", to think
"How to manage a relationship instead of destroying it."
Finally, express the will and action of "working together".
Taking the initiative to take a step is not shameful, which is the ability and confidence of the strong.
These 3 steps down, communication will be calm and a lot.
Of course, if you really encounter those who can't communicate, take advantage of enough, chicken thieves can't do it, stop the loss in time.
Write at the end
As a social symbol, the meaning of "bride price" has actually been changing.
From compensation and blessing, to security, proof of love, and then to the "sensitive point" of equal rights for men and women.
Where will the discussion of the bride price take us?
It's only up to time to give the answer.
But what is certain is that the issue of the bride price is only the first hurdle on the road to marriage.
After that, there will be: what to do about the wedding banquet, how many children to have, who to go to for the New Year, whether to buy a school district house or not...
If you want to have an equal and happy marriage, dealing with the conflict of bride price concepts is just the beginning.
As Murong Xi said: Marriage is not only two people facing each other from now on, marriage should be two people holding hands and facing the world together.
Therefore, no matter how the world and public opinion are disturbed and noisy.
If we choose marriage, go hand in hand and shoulder to shoulder.
May you hold the hand of your son and be in the same boat through thick and thin.
The world and I love you.
Resources:
1. "The Rise and Fall of Feminism in the World", Bilibili.
2. Jane Friedman, Feminism, Jilin People's Publishing House.
3. Documentary, "Feminists, What They Think."
4. Marshall Luxemburg, Nonviolent Communication, Huaxia Publishing House.
5. Alfred Adler, Insight into Human Nature, Beijing Institute of Technology Press.
6. Corey Patterson, "Key Conflicts: How to Turn Interpersonal Crises into Win-Win Cooperation", China Machine Press.
7. Warren Farrell, Myths of Male Power, World Book Publishers.
- The End -
About the author: Fei Ye, a national second-level psychological counselor, English literature translator, and freelance writer. An ordinary person who practices in the red dust.