A Harvard psychologist once said, "Most of the pain in life is not caused by others, but you can't get along with yourself." ”
Come to think of it, it is.
In the life of dogs and horses, we seem to be circling with the world, but in fact we are getting along with our own hearts.
The more you care about it, the more you will be tormented; The more you can let go of everything, the closer you get to happiness.
The root causes of adult suffering often come from these three places.
1
Overfill the cup
Shakespeare once said, "Desire is like a fire of coals, it must be cooled, or the fire will scorch the heart." ”
Human energy is limited, but desire is unlimited.
If you allow your desires to swell, you will eventually be eaten by your desires, and only by being sober and restrained can you reap more beauty.
Mr. Hu in Yishu's work "You My Heart" was originally a person who kept to himself, and relied on his own efforts to be promoted all the way to the manager of the bank department, with an annual salary of one million.
Not only is his work decent, his family is also very happy, his wife is gentle and considerate, and his daughter is cute and smart.
In the eyes of outsiders, he is simply a winner in life.
But Mr. Hu was not satisfied, he often lamented that his house was not grand enough, and always complained that the food and clothing were not luxurious enough, and even his wife and daughter became more and more unpleasant in his eyes.
Driven by desire, he couldn't help but take advantage of his position to approve large loans for others and seek benefits.
At the behest of others, he can travel the world for free, with safes full of cash and cupboards full of high-end liquor.
As his ill-gotten gains amassed, so did his desires, not only having an affair, but also buying a mansion abroad, betraying his family in a grand way.
However, his embezzlement soon came to light, not only was his reputation ruined, but his wife also decided to divorce him, and he eventually died in prison with remorse.
Psychologist Hugh · Mackay preached in The Psychology of Desire:
People's desires and happiness are distributed in a curve, and when desires grow slowly, happiness also increases, but once desires break through the threshold, happiness will drop sharply and pain will come quietly.
The same is true in life, people who are content and happy have scenery in their eyes, and life is full of surprises; People who are riddled with desires have interests in their eyes, and their lives are full of shackles.
Because you want too much, you will inevitably have to run around for your desires and overdraft your body and mind;
Because the desire is difficult to fill, it is inevitable that you will be dissatisfied and lose your immediate happiness.
True happiness is never pursued outwardly without restraint, but is constantly explored inward, and inner abundance and peace are kept.
As Thoreau said, when we no longer draw on fame and wealth, we can enjoy life more calmly and more fully.
In the second half of life, you might as well subtract your desires.
You will be pleasantly surprised to find that by emptying your desires, you will have more room for happiness.
2
Drain the battery too hard
In life, many people have this experience: they still feel physically and mentally exhausted and depressed even though they haven't done anything.
Hodge · once proposed the concept of "emotional labor":
When we fall into negative emotions and can't extricate ourselves, the energy consumed is no different from manual labor, which is what we often call internal friction.
Internal friction is like a black hole of emotions, once you step in, it will swallow our energy and consume our will.
CCTV host Bai Yansong, in the hearts of many viewers, is a benchmark figure in the news hosting industry.
For more than 20 years, he has been on the Spring Festival Gala, hosted CCTV news, and even participated in the live broadcast of the 2008 Olympic Games.
He is so glamorous in the eyes of the outside world, but he is under tremendous pressure inside.
The TV station stipulates that the host will be fined if he mispronounces a word, and once he was accidentally punished, he couldn't forgive himself for a long time, and the psychological pressure made it difficult for him to speak in his life, so he could only use a pen to communicate with his wife.
Sometimes the programs he painstakingly planned were rejected, and even though his superiors explained the reasons to him, he would still toss and turn and couldn't sleep well for months on end.
Under great mental pressure, he suffered from depression and was only 52 years old with gray hair.
Due to the torture of internal friction, he was no longer able to cope with the complicated work, so he had to say goodbye to the stage he loved and completely stop work to adjust himself.
During the year of the shutdown, he no longer competed with himself, but calmly accepted the status quo, traveling when he was happy, and reading and running when he was worried.
In the year of being away from work and talking to himself, the knot in his heart was gradually opened.
Returning again, he can face himself calmly, still sharp but no longer sharp and sensitive, and his transformation has won more love from the audience.
There is a wonderful sentence in "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist":
"No critique is stronger than self-criticism, and no judge is harsher than himself."
The root cause of internal friction is not external pressure, but our refusal to let go of ourselves.
In the adult world, there is never no shortage of setbacks and turmoil, if we aim the finger at ourselves and constantly attack ourselves, our energy will soon be exhausted, and the problems we are troubled will not be solved.
Smart people know how to adjust their lives to energy-saving mode, with a wide heart, a good thing, and a distant look.
When we no longer embarrass ourselves, we can spare more energy to deal with the ups and downs of the outside world, and when we say goodbye to internal friction, we can climb over the mountain in our hearts and walk lightly into the distance.
3
Turning over the books too diligently
Su Xuelin, a female writer of the Republic of China, admired Lu Xun very much when she was young, and wrote many letters to Lu Xun to express her admiration.
In 1928, she was invited to a writers' party, and as soon as she entered the door, she saw Lu Xun.
When Lin Yutang introduced her to Lu Xun, Su Xuelin was excited, she rushed to Lu Xun and stretched out her hand tremblingly, wanting to say hello to Lu Xun.
Unexpectedly, Lu Xun didn't shake her hand back, just smiled and nodded to her, and in front of everyone, she had to awkwardly withdraw her hand hanging in the air.
Su Xuelin, who was suspicious by nature, thought that Lu Xun deliberately perfunctory her and made her ugly in front of everyone, so she hated Lu Xun.
In the following years, she was haunted by this incident, and even spent half her life writing "On Slander", "On Right and Wrong", and "On Lu Xun's Miscellaneous Feelings", scolding Lu Xun for being "narrow-minded and jealous".
My friend couldn't stand it, so he explained to her the deeds of Lu Xun helping Xiao Hong, but she scoffed at it, insisting that it was Lu Xun's trick to win people's hearts, and only people like Xiao Hong would be fooled.
Not only that, but she still didn't forget to be sarcastic and sarcastic even at Lu Xun's funeral.
Su Xuelin's stubbornness made her fall into the abyss of obsession, and she could no longer pull out.
When she stubbornly criticized Lu Xun, her friends broke off her friendship, her mentor Hu Shi also wrote to blame her, and her husband couldn't bear to choose to divorce her.
She was originally a brilliant writer, but because she refused to let go of a small thing, she put the rest of her life into it.
The writer Oscar Wilde once said, "For my own sake I must forgive something, for a man cannot get up from night to plant thorns in the garden of the soul." ”
The hurt of others, the frustration of the past, the disputes of the past...... It's like a thorn planted in our hearts, and when we think about it, we will be pierced with blood.
Many times, the reason why we are covered in injuries is not because the experience is too painful, but because we are obsessed with bad things.
Those who walk calmly are not without experiencing heartache, but they know how to return the past to zero and loosen their hearts.
Turning the page of the past is never to forgive others, but to take better care of yourself.
It is often said that if you look down on the vicissitudes of the world, your heart is safe and sound.
When we close the ledger in our hearts, we can open a new chapter in life; When we say goodbye to the haze of the past, we can usher in the dawn of happiness.
▽
I've heard the saying, "We are the creators of our own inner pain, and the only ones who end it." ”
There are many divergent paths in life, and where we can go is ultimately determined by our hearts.
When you are riddled with desire, empty the cup in time to remove the burden in your heart;
When you are coerced by thoughts, learn to empty your spirit, and you can step out of the cycle of internal friction;
When the memory rolls, close the account book of hatred, and finally break free from the cage of obsession.
The road of life is destined to be uneven, and we have to go through many bumps and bumps, but we are also practicing along the way to settle down physically and mentally.