1.
Received a letter from a reader that reads as follows:
Fish, I've been following you for more than two years, and recently I've been in a relationship crisis with my boyfriend and want to talk to you.
My boyfriend and I were college classmates, and we both went to college in Wuhan. After graduating from university, my boyfriend continued to study in graduate school, and I didn't get admitted to graduate school, so I got a job in Wuhan.
Originally, my parents wanted me to go back to my hometown to take the public exam, but I didn't think it was what I liked, and I kept fighting with them.
Speaking of which, I have to talk about my family's situation.
I am the only child in my family, my hometown is in a third-tier city in Hubei, and my parents both have jobs.
My dad is in a state-owned enterprise, and my mom is a primary school teacher.
Perhaps, because of this, my parents also hope that my job can be more stable. They didn't want me to go too far, just my daughter.
And my boyfriend's house is in Shaanxi, a small county town below southern Shaanxi. His parents have been divorced for many years.
Moreover, after his father divorced, he had already formed his own new family and had two more children.
My boyfriend was brought up by his mother, and his mother is currently working in Xi'an.
2.
Last year, I also brought my boyfriend to my house.
My parents are very satisfied with my boyfriend, thinking that he is good-looking and polite.
However, what they are not satisfied with is their boyfriend's family.
Especially my mom, she didn't want me to find a boy whose parents were divorced or who didn't have all the parents. She said that my family environment is very good, and I want to find the right person, so that in the future, my life will be much better.
Not to mention anything else, she is afraid that the children of divorced families will have unsound personalities, and I will suffer in the future.
And I think my mom is really worried. Because my boyfriend is very good to me, he is very good at taking care of my feelings, and he cares about me.
At the moment, our situation is that the boyfriend will graduate next year. What he means is that he will go to Xi'an to work and settle there in the future.
What my parents meant was that I was the only child at home and didn't want me to go too far. If my boyfriend and I both stay in Wuhan for work, they can consider it. Of course, it's better to go back to my home and work.
The boyfriend was very hesitant, he said, his mother is only his son, and he still wants to go back to Xi'an.
3.
It's just that no matter where we live in the future, we have to buy a house.
The boyfriend revealed that his mother's deposit was only 10,000 yuan, and he would have to rely on himself in the future, whether he got married or bought a house.
I jokingly said, or go to my house to be a son-in-law.
In the early years, my parents bought me a suite, along the river, a good location, more than 100 square meters.
This house is going to be my dowry in the future.
If my boyfriend goes back with me, I don't have to worry about the house, the car, and my parents will definitely get married.
It's just that the boyfriend doesn't want to, he said, he's a big man, how can he be like this? He also said that he wanted to fight on his own.
I said, then we will stay in Wuhan and work together.
Because staying in Wuhan is acceptable to my parents. They also said that when they retired, they could come and live with me. Moreover, if I stay in Wuhan, they will sell the house that I am married to, come over, and buy me another set.
The boyfriend still hesitated, saying that he couldn't rest assured that he wouldn't.
I said, alone, I'm always going to follow him in the future. There is no difference between working in Xi'an and working in Wuhan, so it is better to let her come.
My boyfriend said he wouldn't come over. Because his eldest aunt and second aunt both settled in Xi'an, over there, his mother has a thing to rely on.
Therefore, if he is looking for a job, he has to go to Xi'an to find it.
4.
My boyfriend meant that I might as well go to Xi'an with him. When the time comes, we'll make our home over there.
I don't want to do it too much, because my current job is still very promising. I'm also working hard and don't want to give up on everything I'm currently having.
The most important thing is that if I go to Xi'an, I am not familiar with the place there, and I have no sense of security.
Recently, we have quarreled several times over this matter. Now, I don't dare to mention it again.
What broke me the most was that last night, we made an appointment to eat together. Halfway through my boyfriend went to the bathroom, he handed me the phone to hold.
It just so happened that at this time, the sent a message.
I accidentally peeked at it, and it was his mother who told him to break up with me, saying that he would go back and find a local girl.
At the time, I was very sad.
Then, I followed the message and pulled forward and saw my boyfriend chatting with him more. Anyway, there is only one purpose: I am not suitable for him, let him break up with me as soon as possible, and return to Xi'an after graduation next year.
My mom and I met and said hello twice when they were on a video chat between mother and son. I don't know, where did she get her resentment with me?
Is it really as my mother said, it is better not to marry a boy brought up by a single mother?
Naturally, we had another fight. I really don't want to break up with my boyfriend, after all, after three or four years of relationship, we have all paid a lot.
The situation in front of me is that I myself am also very confused and powerless, and I feel that I am not alone in wishful thinking, and I want to hear your opinion.
5.
Thank you for your trust.
First, can a boy brought up by a single mother get married?
Generally according to the point of view of psychology, this kind of mother, after marriage, is easy to grab a son with her daughter-in-law.
Of course, it is not absolute, because everyone is a different individual and manifests itself in different ways.
Now your boyfriend's mother's performance makes me feel that she is competing with you for her son, and she is a little strong and has a strong sense of control.
If you really went to Xi'an with him, what do you say? may not be happy, unless this boy knows how to defend you.
However, what we see is that now, he is neither willing to go back to his hometown with you, nor willing to stay in Wuhan, and wants you to go to Xi'an with him.
And, when his mom persuaded you to break up, he probably didn't speak for you.
These behaviors are all shown, and he doesn't protect you much.
Such a boy, even after marriage, his mother will definitely live together. I'm afraid that there will be more contradictions at that time.
Second, your parents raised you in the palm of their hands, not to make you stick it upside down.
Although you can compromise for love, such a man, even if you really marry him, you may not be really happy.
How so?
His damn self-esteem, not allowed, he's lower than you.
So, most likely, he will suppress you and even PUA you.
In love, never lower yourself to the dust, otherwise it is destined to be a tragedy.
Third, the essence of marriage is exchange.
Although you are still young, I still have to tell you that we have to talk about value first, and then talk about feelings.
The essence of all relationships is exchange, and so is marriage.
You said that your current job has good development prospects. Then, you can do your job with peace of mind.
When you have a successful career, can make money, and are beautiful and sassy, there will definitely be more outstanding men around you.
At present, you just can't bear this feeling, but it also depends on whether your efforts are worth it.
You are still young, you can work hard and improve your value first, instead of entering marriage early.
If you are not reconciled and there is no end to it for the time being, then wait.
Perhaps, after a while, your perception will change again.
Now, you're crying and fussing, asking for answers, but you don't have answers.
It's better to grow yourself, when the time comes, everything has its own answer.