Angel Dad
The recent movie "Catching Dolls" starring Shen Teng and Ma Li won the first place at the box office in various provinces. In addition to the comedy and cuteness, it is also very thought-provoking because of the family education concept reflected in it.
Author: ABB, has held management positions in several education groups in Shanghai and Guangdong. At present, he is mainly engaged in business development and resource docking in the field of education in the acquisition and sale of domestic and foreign schools, brand and project introduction, trusteeship operation, etc. Source of this article: Official account "Blue Oak" (ID: blue_oak)"
If you want to talk about the box office champion in the summer, it has to be "Catching the Doll".
What some viewers saw was the Chinese version of "The Starting Line", which talked about the problem of rich and poor; What some viewers see is the Chinese version of "Truman's World", which is about a life of being manipulated.
But I think the most thought-provoking point in this film is that parents treat their children as "practice numbers", one is inexperienced and bad, and another can be practiced again, just like treating children as experiments.
Many parents of the second child, when talking about the reason for the second child, will joke: the large number is scrapped, and then a new number will be opened. But after the joke, we can't help but ask, what will happen to these "broken waste numbers" in the future?
Coincidentally, this is often the case in international schools, and I have some "answers".
Over the years, I've seen the "tuba" who have been raised
At the international school where I was working at the time, there was a girl recruited in the first year of high school, and she frequently changed boyfriends in the school, and from time to time she would skip class with her boyfriend for a day, so we contacted her parents.
As a result, her mother said: "We now have a small one, and the big one is no longer good at teaching, so we will learn a lesson and cultivate the small one well." ”
It turned out that this eldest daughter was born just in time for her parents' busiest career, and she used money to make up for it if she didn't have time, so this girl studied all the way, her grades were not very good, and she was relatively lacking in love.
Therefore, her parents felt that she was embarrassed, so they gave birth to a second one, and now both parents have time and energy, but their attention is also focused on their youngest daughter.
In this way, the eldest daughter's psychology is even more unbalanced, and she begs for boys' care everywhere. She began to promiscuate her boyfriend and slept in all the five-star hotels in Shanghai. Later, the girl was severely punished for helping her then-boyfriend cheat. The school called her father again, but her father didn't say anything, and raised his hand to slap his daughter to the ground.
As a result, guess what your daughter's reaction was? She crawled on her knees and pleaded with the teacher, saying that she had done everything and hoped that she would not punish her boyfriend and not notify her boyfriend's parents, for fear that her boyfriend's parents would beat him when they came...... Then, she was transferred by her parents and sent directly to a private high school in United States, out of sight.
Of course, "how to practice the tuba and scrap" is not the only mode. I have also seen a case where the father chooses the heir according to the method of choosing a concubine, a prince, and a mother according to the value of the son.
This father was the owner of a large group, and when he married his first wife, he gave birth to two daughters and sent them to our school. A few years later, two more sons were sent, and this time he brought another mother. When we talked to the teachers, it was clear that he was more concerned about the situation of his two sons.
Although he was very busy, he would come with his wife at every parent-teacher meeting later, and would comprehensively ask about his two sons' grades, sports, conduct, etc., and the comparison was quite obvious.
Fortunately and unfortunately, the eldest son did really well in all aspects, while the younger son was more average. I once saw that my youngest son wanted to play with his brother, but he seemed very cold, and he preferred to play with the boys who were better in the grade.
This reminds me of Prince William and Prince Harry, who are both brothers, and Prince Harry's autobiography "Spare Tire" is full of complaints, saying that such an education will cause irreparable psychological trauma to the disadvantaged child, and when he becomes an adult, he may hurt himself and may also take revenge on the family.
The harm is so great, but many families who "have a throne to inherit" have adopted the method of "kings and ministers" to cultivate, select and exile their children, what kind of psychology is this?
When childbirth becomes an "investment", the family becomes a sibling arena
In fact, from the perspective of parents, parents are not only the parents of their children, but also the leaders of the company's employees and the inheritors of family assets, so they want to have children and select the most suitable heirs, so as to meet the needs of the latter two identities.
And having more children is a form of diversification. The more children you have, the more picky you are, and it is easier to give birth to an heir who meets the ideals of your parents. From this point of view, the family, like the school and society, educates children for the purpose of cultivation and selection.
And it is not difficult for parents, especially fathers, to want multiple children, originally in a one-to-many relationship, it is who is scarce and who is more important.
It would be great if all children could be raised, but all five fingers were long, or some children had the ability to be more in line with the heirs their parents wanted, while others were better at other fields, then parents would naturally pay more attention to capable children in order to fulfill their social and family obligations, and let the latter kind of children grow up in a more relaxed and laissez-faire way.
Parents are also people in the rivers and lakes, and they can't help themselves.
But from the child's point of view, parents are the only ones who can't compare and choose. But there is only one time in his own life, and his parents have abolished a few numbers and a few numbers are waiting, but the child's own life is only once.
Therefore, if children want to get more love, they must strive to meet the requirements of their parents, compete for favor, and even "cannibalize" their siblings, so as to appear more suitable than other siblings.
A child in an advantageous position seems to be pampered and has a good relationship with his parents, but he knows in his heart that his parents' love for him is conditional, and he is favored because he meets this condition more than other siblings.
Therefore, TA will still panic, feeling that what parents love is not necessarily TA as a person, once their value and "function" are gone, will they lose all this?
Not to mention, the other children in a disadvantaged position will not only feel inferior because of their own incompetence, but also jealous because of the success of a sibling, and will secretly blame their parents for partiality. After not getting due attention for a long time, they may even give up on themselves, break the jar, and become more and more the "scum" of the family.
Therefore, this kind of parenting method of letting several children "roll in" seems to be able to fulfill the social and family obligations of parents, but in fact, the overall happiness of the family itself is not necessarily high, and in the long run, there will even be many hidden dangers.
Conditional love
can't raise an intimate baby
In fact, it is better for the identity of parents and children to return to singleness. Otherwise, it seems that parents have the advantage, but those who love their children conditionally are likely to be able to exchange for their children's conditional love for their parents, and at worst, they don't even have a really caring child.
Just like in "Catching the Doll", the first son was rich and raised, and he was sent to study abroad after his practice, but he trained his body, adjusted his mentality, climbed Mount Everest, and after completing his self-growth and his own redemption of himself, he shouted: "I don't need you to look down on me!" ”
When the child no longer cares about the approval of his parents, he also looks down on his love for his parents.
And the second child who was raised by "careful poverty", when he learned that everything around him was fake, his first reaction was: his parents are also fake, and he has no trust in his parents at all.
Sure enough, he passed the college entrance examination and handed in the blank papers, striving to break the false world created by his parents, and then after scoring 705 points through the repetition test, he could obviously go to Qingbei, which his parents expected, but he resolutely chose the sports university, happily holding the habit of "poor raising" - picking up waste, running long-distance, and not wanting to be manipulated by his parents anymore.
However, the parents in "Catching the Doll" are still not deeply aware of their mistakes, and as soon as they see that "the second number is also abolished", they hope to make up for it by having a third child.
So what if the third child is also abolished? Will another wife continue to have another wife until an ideal heir is born?
Is the emotion between family members only "functional" value? All the efforts in the past few decades, in addition to replacing so many "waste numbers", have not even gained a really caring child, can they experience the simple joy of being a parent?
epilogue
Although the social role and family role of parents are also very important, it is still very cruel to maximize the interests of the family by sacrificing certain family members. In the short term, it is not good for children, and in the long run, it will also be reflected on parents.
A family is a family, but parents and children are not monarchs.
Parents do their best to nurture their children, whether it is to make them happy or to achieve their parents' goals, children can feel it.
If it is for the latter, then no matter whether the child meets the requirements of the parents or not, the TA will not really be grateful to the parents in the depths of his heart, after all, who wants to be a pawn?
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24 July 2024