My name is Zhou Jie and I am 56 years old. I thought that I could start to enjoy a peaceful life in my old age at this age, but I didn't expect a phone call to pull me back to that unbearable past.
That evening, I was in the kitchen preparing dinner when my phone rang. Seeing that it was my son Xiaoxuan's call, I was overjoyed, wiped my hands and picked up the phone.
"Mom, I'...... I don't know what to do......" Xiao Xuan's choked voice came from the other end of the phone.
My heart suddenly hung in the air, "What's the matter, son?" What happened? ”
"Yes...... It's my dad, he was in a car accident and is now paralyzed......" Xiao Xuan's voice was full of helplessness.
When I heard the news, my mind went blank. The man who once caused me untold pain has now ended up like this. I didn't know how to react, so I could only listen in silence as Xiao Xuan continued.
"He's uncared for now, I'...... I'd like to ask you to help......" Xiao Xuan said cautiously.
This sentence was like a thunderclap, pulling my mind back to the ignorant self I was 30 years ago. At that time, I was at the age of talking about marriage, full of longing for love, and then I met my ex-husband Zhang Qiang.
Zhang Qiang is five years older than me and has been in the community for several years. He was personable and talkative, and he quickly caught my attention. At that time, he was always able to speak well, and he greeted me with warmth, which made me feel unprecedented warmth.
"Ding Jie, you are like a delicate rose, you should be well cared for." He once said to me, "With me, you don't have to worry about it in your life." I will make you the happiest woman. ”
When I was young, I believed it and thought I had found true love. Although my parents strongly objected, saying that Zhang Qiang did not seem to be a down-to-earth person, I still married him without hesitation. I naively thought that love could overcome all difficulties.
However, life after marriage soon opened my eyes to the cruelty of reality. Zhang Qiang is not at all as capable as he himself describes. He was idle all day long, not enterprising, but he always drew a big pie, saying that he wanted to do big business and make me happy.
At first, I tried to encourage him to find a stable job. "Strong, let's start with small things, slowly accumulate experience and funds, and one day we can realize your dreams." I gently persuaded.
But every time I made such a suggestion, he would get furious. "You know what? I, Zhang Qiang, am I the kind of person who is willing to be mediocre? You just don't understand my ambitions! He roared, his eyes full of contempt.
As time goes by, our lives become more and more difficult. Zhang Qiang not only doesn't make money, but always tries to ask me for money.
"Ding Jie, doesn't your dad have an income? Let him invest some money in us, and I promise to make a lot of money. He said in a puffed voice.
At first, I would politely say no. But the result of each refusal is a punch and kick. I'll never forget the night I was beaten by him for the first time. He came back drunk, and when he saw that I hadn't made dinner, he punched and kicked me without saying a word.
"You useless thing! I can't even make a decent dinner, what's the use of me marrying you? It's because you're useless that makes me unlucky and can't make money. He scolded as he scolded. I huddled in the corner, not daring to resist, only to cry silently.
Since then, domestic violence has become commonplace. Sometimes it's because I'm not doing what he asks, and sometimes it's completely for no reason. Every time he was in a bad mood, or his "business" failed, I would be the target of his anger.
I used to naively think that after having a child, he would be a little more restrained. However, even during my pregnancy, his punches and kicks never stopped. I tried my best to protect my belly, for fear of hurting the child in my belly.
After Xiao Xuan was born, the situation not only did not improve, but worsened. Except for the occasional inexplicable "investment plan" he brought back, he just soaked in the table all day. Every time I lose money, I come back and punch and kick me. I'll never forget the night I was hit in the hospital for the third time.
That day, Zhang Qiang lost another large sum of money. He came home and lunged at me without saying a word. I tried to dodge, but he grabbed me by the hair.
He frantically punched me in the head and body, and kept cursing in his mouth: "It's all your fault broom star!" If it weren't for you, I would have been rich! ”
When I woke up again, I was already in a hospital bed. Covered in wounds, I looked at myself in the mirror and finally made up my mind to leave this demon.
When I told my parents the truth, they were in tears.
"Silly boy, you're suffering." My mother hugged me and wept bitterly.
The father clenched his fists and was furious: "I'll go and settle accounts with that bastard!" ”
I stopped my father and decided to leave the house and take only my most cherished son, Xiaoxuan. At that time, Xiao Xuan was only two years old and did not understand the cruelty of this world. I don't want him to grow up in such an environment.
Life after the divorce is not easy. I work during the day and take care of Xiaoxuan at night, and I am often so tired that I can't even speak. But every time I see Xiao Xuan's innocent smile, I feel that everything is worth it.
I worked hard and saved money to create a better living and educational environment for Xiaoxuan. Watching him grow up day by day, get admitted to university, get a good job, get married and have children, I feel extremely relieved, and I feel that my efforts have not been in vain.
However, listening to Xiao Xuan's request on the phone at this moment, I suddenly felt a chill. Is the man who once brought me so much pain going to break into my life again through my son?
I took a deep breath, calmed my emotions, and asked, "Didn't your dad remarry?" What about his current wife? ”
Xiao Xuan sighed, "They...... Separated. Ever since my dad had an accident, she has moved out under the pretext of taking care of her parents. ”
I sneered, and sure enough, I was a coward who ran away when he encountered difficulties. "What about your dad's stepson? Does he not care? ”
"He said that my dad is not his own dad, why should he let him serve?" Xiao Xuan's voice was filled with helplessness.
I couldn't help but feel a wave of anger, "What about your dad's relatives?" Didn't they show up? ”
"They...... They said that I was my own son, and I should be the one to do my filial piety......" Xiao Xuan's voice became smaller and smaller.
I get it, it's a naked moral kidnapping. Those people are taking advantage of blood ties to impose a responsibility that should not be borne by Xiao Xuan.
"Son," I tried to keep my voice calm, "what do you think?" ”
There was silence on the other end of the phone for a while, and then Xiao Xuan said with a crying voice: "Mom, I know about your past with Dad, and I don't want to trouble you." But...... But I really can't help it. I have to go to work during the day and take care of the kids at night. My wife was already very upset and said that if she continued like this, she would get a divorce......"
I heard the overtones in Xiao Xuan's words, and I felt a sense of disappointment. I spent my whole life raising him, and now he wants me to take care of the person who used to abuse me?
"Mom, can you ...... Can you help? Just take care of it for a while......" Xiao Xuan said cautiously.
I closed my eyes and felt the world spin. I know I'm faced with a difficult choice at the moment. Do you continue to sacrifice your old age, or do you stick to your principles?
After a long silence, I finally made up my mind. "Xiao Xuan, I'm sorry, I can't help you with this matter." My voice was calm, but my heart was churning.
"Mom! How can you do that? Xiao Xuan's tone suddenly became excited, "No matter what he says, it's my father!" Can you just bear to see him unattended? ”
I took a deep breath and tried to control my emotions. "Xiao Xuan, do you remember how the injuries on my body came from when I was a child?"
There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment. "But...... But that's all in the past. Now that Dad has paid the price, can't you forgive him? ”
I felt a pang of heartache. My son was defending the abuser. "Xiao Xuan, do you know how much I paid to raise you? I pulled you up alone just to keep you away from that demon. And now you want me to go back and take care of him? ”
"But Mom, you don't have to work anymore, you have time. Besides, haven't you always taught me to be filial? Now I am doing my filial piety, but you don't support me......" Xiao Xuan's words were full of reproach.
I felt a pang of suffocation. My son, who is kidnapping me with the moral code I taught him.
"Xiao Xuan, filial piety does not make you sacrifice your family happiness. You have your own wife and children to take care of. ”
"Isn't that more your help? You live alone, just enough to take care of your dad. This way I can juggle work and family. Xiao Xuan's tone became a matter of course.
I closed my eyes and felt a deep exhaustion. "Xiao Xuan, it took me half my life to get rid of that nightmare, and it is impossible to go back now. You are an adult and you should learn to deal with problems on your own. ”
"Mom! How can you be so selfish? Aren't you afraid that others will say that you are ruthless and unrighteous? Xiao Xuan's voice was filled with anger.
These words were like a sharp blade that pierced my heart. I took a deep breath and said calmly, "Xiao Xuan, the biggest mistake in my life is not leaving your father earlier. If I had been braver, maybe you wouldn't have had to go through so much suffering. Now, I finally have the courage to live for myself once. If this is unforgiving in the eyes of others, then let them say it. ”
After saying that, I hung up the phone and immediately blacklisted Xiao Xuan's number. I knew that this decision could hurt my relationship with my son, but I had no choice.
In the days that followed, I packed my bags and left my old accommodation. I didn't want to be caught up in this farce again and decided to start over in a different place.
However, the calm days did not last long. Half a month later, I received another call from an unfamiliar number.
"Mom! You've finally answered the phone! It was Xiao Xuan's eager voice.
I sighed, "What's wrong?" ”
"Mom, come back quickly! My wife said she was going to divorce, and my dad had no one to take care of him at home, so he kept rolling around......" Xiao Xuan's voice was full of panic.
I was silent for a while, and then said calmly, "Xiao Xuan, this is your own choice. I've already said that I won't go back. You are an adult and you should learn to face your own life. ”
"Mom! How can you do that? Are you just watching my family fall apart? Don't you care about your grandchildren? Xiao Xuan's tone was filled with reproach and disappointment.
I took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. "Xiao Xuan, I care about you and my grandson. However, I can't sacrifice myself to maintain your family. You should communicate well with your wife to find the best of both worlds. ”
"But Mom, I really can't think of anything else but you. Can't you show compassion? Xiao Xuan's voice was pleading.
I closed my eyes and felt a pang of heartache. I know that my decision will disappoint Xiao Xuan and may also affect our relationship. However, I had to stick to my principles.
"Xiao Xuan, I'm sorry. But I can't go back to the environment that hurt me. The damage your father has done to me is not something that time can erase. I hope you understand. ”
There was silence on the other end of the line for a long time. I could feel Xiao Xuan's inner struggle and disappointment. Finally, he said in a cold tone that I had never heard before, "Mom, I really didn't expect you to be so selfish. Did you abandon our family like this? ”
His words pierced me like a sharp knife deep into my heart. I struggled to control my trembling voice and said, "Xiao Xuan, I didn't abandon you. I'm just protecting myself. You should understand how deeply your father hurt me. ”
"But that's all in the past!" Xiao Xuan suddenly raised his voice, "Now that Dad is paralyzed, he can't hurt you anymore." Why can't you just let go of the past and help us? ”
I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. "Xiao Xuan, you don't understand. Those injuries are not just physical, but more psychological. Even though your father is paralyzed now, just seeing him reminds me of those terrible memories. ”
"Then you are so ruthless and watch our family disperse?" Xiao Xuan's voice was full of resentment, "You know what? I'm on the verge of losing my job because of taking care of my dad. My wife said that if this continued, she would leave with the children. Can you bear to see your grandson living in a broken family? ”
His words made my heart ache. Of course, I don't want to see Xiao Xuan's family break up, and I don't want my grandson to go through the pain I once experienced. But why am I trying to protect my mental health?
"Xiao Xuan, I understand your predicament. However, you can't put all the blame on me. You should communicate well with your wife and perhaps consider hiring a caregiver to take care of your father. "I tried to give some advice.
"Caregivers? Do you think we can afford it? Xiao Xuan sneered, "Mom, you are living alone now, with a pension and savings. You are more than capable to help us. You just don't want to! ”
I felt a pang of sadness. I have been frugal all my life in order to live a stable life in my old age. Now, my son wants me to give it all up and take care of the person who hurt me.
"Xiao Xuan, you're right, I do have some savings. But that's what I've worked hard to save all my life. I can't spend them all taking care of your father. I explained as calmly as I could.
"So your money is more important than your sons and grandchildren, right?" Xiao Xuan's tone became sharp, "You're so selfish? Aren't you afraid of retribution? ”
His words left me deeply disappointed and heartbroken. I raised him and taught him to be kind and filial, but I didn't expect that one day these values would become a rope that bound me.
"Xiao Xuan, don't say it again." I held back tears, my voice a little choked, "I've had enough of your father's torture in my life. I won't go back. You are an adult and should learn to solve problems on your own. ”
"Okay, I see." Xiao Xuan's voice was as cold as ice, "From now on, you should not have my son." I will not let you see your grandson again. Enjoy your old age on your own! ”
With that, he hung up. I sat back in my chair, tears streaming uncontrollably. I know that I may have lost my son and grandson forever. However, I had no choice.
In the days that followed, I often fell into deep self-blame and guilt. I kept asking myself: Am I being too selfish? Am I supposed to sacrifice myself to care for the person who hurt me in the past? Am I failing to live up to my responsibilities as a mother?
But whenever I think of those terrible memories, of those endless pain and despair, I know I can't go back. It took me most of my life to get out of that nightmare, and I can't get into it again.
A few months later, I heard from a neighbor that Xiao Xuan eventually got divorced. His wife moved away with their children, and his work situation was very precarious, and my heart was like a knife, but I didn't know what to do.