Are you aware of this? Are you disgusted by the heavy resentment, the endless whining, the self-centeredness, and the tendency to moral kidnapping that your parents carry?
Have you ever vowed in your heart that you would never let your children experience such treatment in the future?
We often try to escape from the shadow of our parents, but many times, we unknowingly repeat their mistakes.
Does this self-discovery make you feel fearful, uneasy, or even powerless? How did you respond to such a shift?
In order to escape the shadow brought by the family of origin, people have spared no effort: they choose to stay away from their hometowns and study in the farthest cities;
They rush into marriage, trying to find themselves in another relationship; They are far away from their parents and would rather go through a lot of hardships outside than go back to what they think of as a "cage".
They fled, fought, and vowed never to let their fate happen to their parents. However, they painfully find that no matter how hard they try, the shadow of the original family always seems to linger.
Why do you end up involuntarily becoming them when you are so disgusted by some of your parents' behavior?
Behind this is actually the three imitation mechanisms of our parents' behavior: the teaching of words, the imitation of behavior, and the identification of identity.
Let's explore the "Stockholm Syndrome" first.
This is a psychological phenomenon in which the victim develops emotional identification with the perpetrator in extreme cases.
Its name stems from a famous bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, where the hijacked bank clerks developed an emotional identification with the robbers and even refused to assist the police in charging them.
Social scientists have found that when people are faced with extreme fear, they sometimes succumb to tyranny, resulting in dependence and identification with the perpetrator.
And in the family, children may also have a similar psychology because of their dependence on their parents.
If the parent's behavior is extreme or emotional, the child may unconsciously imitate their behavior in order to survive and receive attention as a way to please the parent or avoid punishment.
This kind of imitation is not limited to behavior, but also includes deep things such as ways of thinking, values, etc.
So, how do we unknowingly become "nasty parents"?
1. Teaching of Words:
When their children are young, parents teach them directly what is right through words.
As children grow older, parents will encourage some of their behaviors and criticize others.
Although children may not fully agree, they may unconsciously act according to their parents' expectations in order to please their parents or avoid disappointment.
2. Imitation of behavior:
From infancy, we learn about the world by observing and imitating our parents.
Whether our parents' words and deeds, good or bad, invisibly shape our behavior patterns.
However, many times parents are not consistent in their words and actions, which can confuse and contradict children.
But in the long run, they may still imitate certain behaviors of their parents.
3. Identity recognition:
In addition to imitating the behavior of their parents, children may also experience certain aspects of them by taking on the role of their parents.
This identity may stem from love or fear of parents. Whether it's to please their parents or to avoid punishment and harm, children may reduce their risk of being harmed by imitating their parents.
So how can we change the impact of our family of origin on us?
First, we need to be self-aware.
We are no longer the same as we were when we were children, and we have the ability to live our lives on our own terms.
When we become aware of and accept our emotions, we can try to deal with things differently from our parents.
When we understand the intergenerational transmission patterns of the family and realize that our parents are also victims, we will be more tolerant and understanding of them.
Secondly, we also need to find the positive factors and values in ourselves and strive to play them.
It's a cyclical process: cognition influences behavior, behavior leads to mood, and emotions in turn affect cognition.
Although the influence of the family of origin exists, it does not mean that we will be bound by it forever.
We need to find the difference in repetition and take responsibility for our own lives. Focusing on what you want in life and working for it is the key to escaping the influence of your family of origin.
Finally, we need to learn self-healing
This is an invaluable guide for people who have been affected by trauma from their family of origin.
1. Seeing the trauma of the original family:
This is a crucial start that requires being honest about one's past and the hurt it has suffered.
These traumas can be recorded and expressed through journaling, painting, counseling, etc.
2. Accept trauma:
Acceptance is not about denying the hurts, but about understanding that those hurts have occurred and are part of one's own experience.
Acceptance helps reduce inner conflict and pain and creates space for healing.
3. Release emotions:
Allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions is an important step in the healing process.
Emotions can be released through crying, yelling, exercising, artistic expression, etc.
4. Find the nourishment of love:
Look for relationships and circumstances that nourish you, including friends, partners, mentors, etc.
It can also start with self-care, such as meditation, yoga, reading, etc.
5. Know your true self:
Exploring your interests, values, needs, and desires is the key to finding your true self.
This can be achieved through self-reflection, psychological counseling, participation in interest groups, etc.
6. Feel your own strength:
Recognize that you have the power to change your life and your future.
Empower yourself by setting goals, making plans, and taking action.
7. Be brave enough to express your wishes and learn to communicate effectively:
Use "I" language to express your feelings and needs, avoiding accusations and attacks.
Listen to the feelings and needs of others and build respectful communication relationships.
Here are some additional suggestions for self-healing:
1. Be patient and persistent:
Healing is a long process that takes time and effort. Don't expect to achieve success overnight, but keep working hard and trying.
2. Seek support: If you feel like you can't cope on your own, you can seek support and help from family, friends, or professionals.
3. Focus on the present and future: Although the influence of the original family is far-reaching, we can choose to focus on the present and the future, and actively create the life we want.
Here are some book recommendations about not wanting to live like your parents:
• "Born Not That":
The author, Oliver James, tells us about the psychological level of intergenerational similarity by analyzing his own experiences as well as the cases of celebrities, and concludes that this intergenerational similarity is not genetically determined, but is nurtured.
• "Why Does Home Hurt":
Through a large number of real cases, the author Wu Zhihong deeply analyzes and discusses the role of the original family in shaping personal personality, behavior patterns, interpersonal relationships, etc., and provides some ways to cope with and change.
• "Beyond the Family of Origin":
In the book, author Ronald Richardson introduces some practical methods and strategies to help readers understand their family of origin, identify and change unhealthy family patterns, and achieve self-growth and development.
These books all explore the impact of the family of origin on the individual from different perspectives, and how to break free from the shackles of the family of origin and achieve self-growth and development. Reading these books can help you better understand your relationship with your parents and find a path that suits your growth.
Finally, I hope that everyone who has been affected by the trauma of their original family can find the strength to heal themselves, step out of the shadows, and welcome a better life.
I'm Oxygen, a middle-aged girl who grew up with you.