A few years ago, my friend Xiaowen said something when chatting with me, and I have always remembered it deeply-
"If you are destined to live this life ordinarily, then it is better to die? Isn't life all about striving for excellence?"
At that time, Xiaowen couldn't accept that he was an ordinary person.
Although somewhat extreme, such an idea is not unique. Douban has a group called "Ordinary Learning", where more than 70,000 people are together to learn how to be an ordinary person.
They mostly face the same struggles as Xiaowen before: growing up from the narrative of "success learning", and the group of children who were once on the "spire", after they really entered the adult life, they couldn't accept the reality that they were ordinary people.
"General learning" is a lesson that is missing from our collective, and we are familiar with how to meet the expectations of others and how to achieve a goal. But we don't know, no one has taught us how to live well as an ordinary person.
So I found Ms. Wang Xueyan, a senior psychological counselor: in her years of clinical observation, she could not accept that she was an ordinary person, which is the psychological distress that most clients have to face.
She also pointed out that to be an ordinary person, the requirements for mental maturity are very high. Therefore, accepting yourself as an ordinary person is not a compromise and abandonment of reality, on the contrary, it is a heroic journey of self-growth.
The following is Mr. Wang Xueyan's own statement:
01
Only by experiencing being loved can a person accept that he is an ordinary person
If a person wants to be an ordinary person and can't, I think he is saying, "I want to be myself, but I can't." This is a part of our clinical work that almost every client needs to deal with.
Many people think that it is easy to be an ordinary person, but this is a misunderstanding, and being able to enjoy being an ordinary person is actually a particularly high requirement, which means that the person's personality health is very high. He has a considerable ability to accept himself as he is, to endure the frustrations brought to him by the outside world; He is able to derive value experiences from his own life, not only from the gaze of others; He was able to stand up for what he believed in and not be swayed by other people's expectations and demands, etc.
This is actually a manifestation of a very independent personality, and only a person who is very confident and has a safe and stable heart can do it.
▷ "Robot Dream"
And where does this sense of security come from? In fact, it comes from his early years, whether he had enough experience of "being loved".
For example, if a child gets into trouble, parents will not punish him too much, but accompany him through that difficult moment. At this time, the child will feel loved, and this experience of being loved will become his confidence, and he will have enough space to explore the world and become himself, without worrying about being abandoned by his parents because of these (mistakes), and there will not be too much fear of survival. He can feel the good parts of me, the bad parts, and the whole self is accepted.
If the child feels unloved and picky, then he will be very frightened and constantly look at the words and looks, "How can I make sure that I am not abandoned? How can I not be punished strongly?" Some children will become very well-behaved, and some children will study hard to become good, these are all "survival strategies".
This part of the uneasiness can lead him to try to reject certain parts of himself, which he considers unacceptable, whether he is incompetent, or not beautiful enough, and so on. But these parts are also real, and the more he excludes, the more empty he will become, and the more incomplete the whole person will be. Because of this incompleteness, the person's survival will encounter more difficulties, and he will become more and more anxious.
The more a person feels bad, the harder it is to bear that he is an ordinary person. This terrible experience is too much for anyone to bear, very incompetent, very powerless. At this time, he needs to do some processing, he may project these bad experiences, such as blaming and belittling others, or he may need to create an illusory illusion for himself, that is, "I am better than anyone else, I am not an ordinary person", which may be outwardly reflected in being very arrogant and arrogant.
▷ "Soul Journey"
And a person who truly loves himself, he does not need to overcome others to highlight himself. Because the power of love in his heart is strong enough, he doesn't need to make efforts to let others see his "flash", he himself is light.
02
When a child becomes the "child that his parents want", he loses the opportunity to be an ordinary person
A lot of people can't accept that they are ordinary people, and one of the important sources is that my parents want me to be good. When I was excellent, my parents had face.
This is a very common phenomenon, some parents can accept that they are ordinary people, but they have high expectations for their children. This may be a way for parents to ease their inner anxiety, when they can't tolerate mediocrity, helplessness and incompetence, which they project onto those close to him. If the child is excellent, they will feel safe in their hearts and feel a sense of certainty in the future.
Generally speaking, we think that it is good to praise and encourage the child, but in psychological counseling, we are not very likely to praise the client, because praise is actually a "superego" requirement.
When parents praise their children, they are actually telling them what kind of person I expect you to be. When the child feels this part in the process of interacting with his parents, he will instinctively cater to the needs of his parents, because he also wants to gain an inner sense of security in the way of his parents' affirmation. These interactions often occur subconsciously –
"I know what my parents want, and I'm going to be the kid my parents want."
▷ "Little Joy"
But the price of this may be that he gradually gives up the part of his independent exploration, slowly loses himself, and does not know how to be an "ordinary person".
Therefore, during the counseling process, we will continue to encourage our clients to gradually become an independent individual. This means that my life is no longer just about what my parents want, but about what I want. We can bless each other with our own lives.
Only an independent individual can gain pleasure and strength from the position of "ordinary people".
03
Ordinary people's "existential anxiety"
In addition to the individual factors mentioned above, we cannot ignore the social causes.
Historically, we have a tradition of the imperial examination system, and indeed "excellent" can bring great benefits, whether it is a martial champion or a literary champion, not only can you get a good life, but also benefit several generations. At that time, industry and agriculture were not developed, and in reality this was indeed a very important source of security.
This existential anxiety, it is ingrained in our hearts.
Then through the war years, the times in which my fathers lived were also very difficult, and the existential anxiety was passed down from generation to generation. Until today, although the conditions are much better, in fact, our survival anxiety is still very high, the country's social security system is not perfect enough, we are still in a high-competition, high-pressure environment, and have not obtained a basic sense of security.
It is only after the basic needs of survival can one consider the spiritual needs. Because of this, the education we receive is the most basic survival education, how can you be better, you can earn money, you can have a good job, you can survive. The evaluation system has always been very materialistic, ignoring the care for this part of human nature, and the so-called "excellent" standard is also a bit deviated. When human nature is not respected, it is difficult for the excellent qualities of an ordinary person to compensate for his shortcomings in external material conditions.
This also leads to a general lack of emotional satisfaction in modern people, so people pursue money and power, in fact, at the symbolic level, like a baby who wants to take a pacifier when he is hungry and scared, he needs some immediate satisfaction to fill the void in us.
But what can make us truly emotionally satisfied is actually those things that we don't value, such as the warmth, kindness, and stable and happy emotions of human nature. But in the eyes of many people, these are unimportant, far less straightforward than eating a meal and earning a little money.
▷ "Little Joy"
04
The path to becoming an ordinary person is difficult, but once you awaken, it is difficult to go back
However, the situation is slowly improving, for example, the emergence of this kind of group (ordinary school) shows that this generation of young people has gradually awakened and begun to think about whether I want to be an ordinary person, and what is the life I really want?
Including many young people who are now doing psychological counseling to deal with their own issues, you will find that the more you can accept yourself, the less you need to project your anxieties to your children, and you will be able to give your children more space.
But it can be a long process.
These awakened young people, they have to bear a lot of pressure, because they are overturning some cognitions, some habits, some relationship states that have been passed down for many years, and they may also have to endure a lot of slander and punishment, which is very difficult.
Including some people who are thinking very well now, hoping to tell their children in the future that they can become ordinary people, but in fact, this "telling" is useless, and they need to "believe" that their children can become ordinary people. As a parent, do you allow him to make mistakes? Then you can accompany him calmly to understand how this mistake was made, and how to make it better? There are many specific moments in life, and only when you really believe in them can you make some adjustments in your actions.
▷ "Soul Journey"
But once I woke up, I guess it would be hard to go back.
It's hard for us to transform this society, but we can start with ourselves and gradually accept ourselves a little bit more, including the popular phrase nowadays, "re-raising your inner child", which I think is good.
Make your family happy, let your child become more energetic, and have more strength to be himself. It is possible to raise a real, safe child in every small family, and then these people come together, and the overall environment will be more likely to improve in the future.
It may take many generations of hard work, constant painful struggles and repetitions to gradually form a large environment that allows the child to be himself and become an ordinary person.
Interview/Text: Han Bing
Cover: "My Genius Girlfriend"