Have you and your partner ever been in such a state in an intimate relationship:
In the eyes of outsiders, they are fairy couples, who seem to take care of each other and respect each other like guests, but in fact, they have different dreams in the same bed and look like gods?
There are many reasons why you're together –
"TA's conditions match mine, the right door." "When you're old, it's almost time to have a companion." "Wandering outside, with someone by your side, at least it doesn't seem so lonely." "There's nothing to love or not to love, live a life, it's true to be bland......
Among all the reasons, only "love" cannot be seen.
Pseudo-intimacy: Together, but not completely
Image source: "Gone Girl"
In your day-to-day interactions, you each have a clear account of your money and strive to maintain a balance of "no one owes anyone"; You negotiate amicably over family matters and humble each other in the trivial matters of life, but you have a hard time talking about each other's heartbreaking moments in the middle of the night, and you never even expose your vulnerable side to each other.
Like two roommates who are very contractual, you are tacitly fulfilling your "obligations" in an intimate relationship, and only because you feel that you should do it.
If you've been in a similar state in an intimate relationship, you may be in an irrelationship.
01
Causes of "pseudo-intimacy".
As a popular term in the past few years, "pseudo-intimacy" is not a professional psychological term, but it also accurately summarizes the state of many people in intimate relationships.
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng once said: "In ordinary interpersonal relationships, we will be somewhat depressed, but in intimate relationships, we can 'come to the heart'." ”
Fake intimacy, on the other hand, is that it is difficult for us to "fool" ourselves in the face of our closest people.
In such a relationship, it is difficult for us to tear off the mask of camouflage and expose the most authentic face to each other. We seem to live intimately together, but we never really get into each other's hearts.
Pseudo-intimacy: Together, but not completely
Image Credit: BoJack Horseman
From the perspective of psychology, the cause of "pseudo-intimacy" is related to the family of origin.
Developmental psychologist Mary Einsworth introduced the concepts of "avoidant attachment" and "anxious attachment" into attachment theory, which refers to the emotional attachment pattern of "avoidant attachment" or "anxious attachment" in intimate relationships if a person's emotional needs in his childhood are not actively and effectively responded to by his or her caregiver.
For example, if a child does not receive comfort from his parents when he is sad and sad, he will be punished or even beaten and scolded.
In the long run, they will perceive their emotions and needs as unimportant or even wrong.
Or, parents themselves do not express their true feelings and habitually treat their children through emotional exploitation and power control.
In order not to be harmed, children gradually build up a set of self-defense mechanisms in the process of getting along with their parents, and it becomes difficult to reveal and express their true selves.
Pseudo-intimacy: Together, but not completely
Image source: "Autumn Sonata"
And when this pattern of emotional expression is applied to the intimate relationship with the partner, there will be a situation of "pseudointimacy".
Because I think my true emotions are not important, I never take the initiative to express myself, and over time, I cut off the way to communicate deeply with my partner.
Because of the fear that the true self will be ignored and denied, he erects a high wall of heart and arms himself with indifference and alienation, so as to eliminate the possibility of being hurt by his partner at the root.
Because I have never been fully accepted, I no longer believe that anyone can love a less perfect, sad and angry, true self......
02
Love is the game of the brave
However, true love is always a game of the brave, because the fake intimacy built up by fear and distrust never touches the heart of love.
Loving someone means revealing your truest self to them, and that includes your cowardice, selfishness, recklessness, and twisting.
In a sense, love is to give one's own weakness and the right to hurt oneself to the other person.
As the sentence in "The Little Prince" -
If you want to bond with someone, you run the risk of tears.
Pseudo-intimacy: Together, but not completely
Image source: "Soul Catcher"
Only by fully accepting and acknowledging every emotion and every aspect of oneself can it be possible to see and embrace the other person's soul that is also full of holes. Only by believing that true love is always unconditional can it be possible to tear through the mask of fake intimacy and love wantonly and have fun.
This assessment will help you explore your intimate relationship patterns with your partner and provide you with a guide to how to deepen your relationship and avoid "fake intimacy".
"Test Your Love Breakers"
Pseudo-intimacy: Together, but not completely
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*The results are for reference only
May you be in love, a child without pretense, who can enjoy flowers, beautiful scenery and candlelit dinners with your partner, but also spend every embarrassing and bleak moment together.
