Transferred from Qian Zhiliang's studio
Author | Qian Zhiliang
A mother left us a message and asked, "What should I do if my child doesn't dare to sleep alone?" ”
At night, the child hugged the pillow and said, "I don't want to sleep alone......"
When the adult asked him why, he said that he was afraid, and no matter how he explained it to the child, the child would not listen, and before falling asleep, he either asked the adult to be with him or turned on the light.
I believe that many parents are familiar with this mother's troubles.
Almost every child grows up experiencing fears that adults can't understand: fear of water, heights, dogs, insects......
What exactly is the child afraid of? Where does their fear come from?
Let's talk about this topic today.
Fear arises
Attentive parents will find that children are afraid of different objects at different ages:
Children before the age of 2 are afraid of being separated from their mothers, afraid of being alone, afraid of too much noise and unfamiliar environment;
Children between the ages of 2 and 4 are afraid of the dark, imaginary monsters, and ghosts;
Some children between the ages of 5 and 6 are afraid of doctors, strangers, water, and lightning.
In elementary school, the fears are more complex, such as exams, academic performance, and interpersonal interactions......
It can be said that children begin to experience fear slowly from the day they fall to the ground, and as their emotions develop, the things that make them fear will change accordingly.
As children grow older and more experienced, they become more aware of things, and once they find that things are safe, the red flags in their minds will be lifted and the fear will disappear.
Of course, there are many fears that children learn.
Children are not born afraid of this or that, but learn fear through direct experience and observation and learning, such as parents who like to scare their children, some parents who provide overprotection, and some children who have suffered small traumas.
When they are confronted with something again, their brains will jump out and tell them, "Be careful, there is danger!" ”
For example, some children have the experience of falling into the water or choking on water, and the child will awaken his terrifying memory when he sees the water, and they will have a deep fear of water, which is the so-called "once bitten by a snake, ten years afraid of the well rope".
When a child is scared, it is not encouragement that is needed
We need to be understanding of our children's fears.
A mother took her 5-year-old son to a children's playground to play, the slide inside is much higher than the kindergarten slide, the son stood on the slide hesitated, and the mother cheered on the side: "How high is this, what are you afraid of!" ”
In the end, the father couldn't stand it anymore and forcibly pushed him down, and the child was so frightened that he cried and shouted: "It's too high, I don't want to play this anymore!" ”
It's all too easy to take our children's fears for granted.
When a child is scared, we are used to saying to him:
"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"Why are you afraid of that?"
"That's all fake"
What appears to be encouragement is actually a cruel response: asking children to be bold and brave when they are most afraid.
Once they fail to meet the requirements of their parents, they will be labeled as useless and useless.
From an adult's point of view, there will be no monsters under the bed, no neighbor puppies will rush up and bite people, and the height of the slide will not hurt children...... A child's fear is always so ridiculous.
In fact, the child's fears are real and deeply haunt him.
A child who is experiencing fear has an alarm in his head that keeps ringing, and we advise him not to be afraid, which is actually a mockery of his fear, an understatement that will make him even more insecure.
A child who is experiencing fear, under high levels of tension, does not desire to run away, but to seek protection.
Let's change our perspective, as adults, when we face fear, our palms are sweating, and our hearts are racing, we don't want to hear our relatives and friends accuse us of being "timid", we want them to say, "Don't be afraid, I'm here." ”
This is what all those who have experienced fear desire: to be seen, to be accepted, to be protected.
The child needs you to accept his fears, tell him that you will protect him, that you will be by his side, and this protection is a psychological sense of security, only in this way can the child have the courage to face the things he fears.
How to help your child overcome their fears
Fear is an emotional experience that children cannot avoid, and we can only guide children step by step to face the things or situations that cause fear.
Therefore, the first step in helping your child overcome his fears is to accept his fears and make them feel accompanied and supported by you.
When the child feels scared, we must know how to accept the fear expressed by the child, do not scold the child when he is timid and withdrawn, stand on his side, wait patiently, accompany him sincerely, give comfort or hugs when necessary, and give the child enough time to adapt to the environment.
Love makes a person brave. The more parents understand their children, the easier it is for their fears to be digested, and only when the child gains a sense of security can he take the first step to try.
The second step is to take the child to recognize and understand the things that are fearing him.
For example, if many children are afraid of thunder, we need to talk to them about what they are afraid of and guide them to say what they are afraid of: is they afraid of the sound of thunder, or are they afraid that they will be in danger?
In small talk, you can give your child scientific knowledge of meteorology and teach your child the correct response:
"When I was a child, my parents were also afraid of thunder like you, and when I grow up, I won't be afraid!"
"Look at how big we are, and we haven't been in any danger."
"Thunder is a natural phenomenon........"
Discussions like this can help children figure out the whole thing, and the fear alarm will slowly be lifted.
Eliminating fear is a step-by-step process. Rather than blindly encouraging your child to be brave, having more patience to help your child recognize the fearful thing is more likely to give birth to the courage to face it.
Finally, don't create fear in your daily life.
Adults' fear of children has a big impact, and some parents often like to scare their children in order to make them obedient.
Such a scare often increases the child's mental pressure, and a casual intimidation is deeply remembered by the child and becomes a shadow rooted in the heart.
Educating children requires patience, try to choose concise and powerful positive language, talk about things, help children gently and firmly, any opportunism will outweigh the losses in the long run.
Source: China Education News