Honestly, have you ever thought about divorce?
Many times, what makes us want to divorce is not a matter of inconvenience, violence, debts and other principled issues, but more trivial matters that we will even feel "insignificant" when we take them out.
For example: a mother-in-law who likes to chew rice and feed her children can't understand your accusations; a husband who throws stinky socks every day and ignores housework; And the wife does not let her husband smoke and play games, and cannot understand the interests and pleasures of men, etc......
The above reasons for divorce come from a collection of "100 reasons for divorce after the 90s", which has a variety of "strange reasons for divorce". The reason why it is called "wonderful" is because many people feel that it is not worth divorcing for these "little things".
But a marriage is made up of countless "trifles" and "little things". Perhaps it is not the direct cause that can bring the marriage to an end. But you can't ignore them, and in the end, the internal friction caused by these "little things" will turn marriage into a blunt knife to cut flesh.
Internal Friction Marriage:
I can't love, I can't leave, I can't live well, I can't leave
According to the latest Forbes survey in 2024, the number one reason for divorce is "lack of commitment", and 70% of partner breakups are due to this reason.
What is a "lack of commitment"?
It means that at least one of the spouses is not serious, committed to, or unwilling to make efforts for the marital relationship.
Turning a blind eye to household chores, neglecting children, and lacking care for your partner can all be boiled down to a "lack of commitment".
The proportion of divorces due to infidelity, finance, and domestic violence issues ranked second, fifth, and sixth, respectively, while "too many conflicts and quarrels" ranked third was only 2% lower than the divorce rate caused by cheating.
It can be seen that although "principled" issues can easily lead to the breakdown of marriages, most people's reasons for divorce are not because of "principled" issues, but because of "trivial matters" such as irresponsible and quarrels with the other half.
From broken bowls, not fresh enough food, shoes not in the right place, and quarrels caused by putting too much water in the cooking, to invisible housework, who is responsible for more children, who takes care of the elderly on both sides, whether the friction in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been reconciled, and communication, they are all miasma that makes us suffer from internal friction in marriage.
At the beginning, you will "struggle" with your partner, whether it is a quarrel or a calm communication, and you will use a problem-solving attitude to mend the marriage;
Over time, you find that the "struggle" is ineffective and the change is fruitless, so you can only give up slowly. Marriage has changed from "the right person" in the past to today's "accept fate, forget it, be casual, and don't commit any problems of principle, so let's live like this".
This is how an internal friction marriage is formed.
An internal friction marriage may not make you feel like you have to break up, but you just can't find happiness and intimacy in your marriage anymore. Can't love, can't leave, can't live well, can't go away is the embodiment of internal friction marriage.
The "pusher" that breeds internal friction in marriage
"Inner conflict" usually refers to a conflict or contradiction within a person, which may be caused by the simultaneous existence of two or more different desires, values, goals, behaviors, or emotions.
This internal conflict can lead to anxiety, annoyance, stress, other negative emotions, and even physical discomfort. [1] And there are too many behaviors that are prone to internal friction in marriage:
For example, communication:
One person may be more inclined to express emotions, while the other may prefer to internalize feelings. Differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings, grievances, or conflicts between couples;
▲ "Couple Therapy (Season 1)"
For example, role assignment and responsibility sharing:
One person may want the other parent to take on more household chores or financial responsibilities, while the other person may feel that responsibilities should be shared equally. Conflicting and stressful situations due to misaligned expectations between couples regarding family, work, and shared responsibilities;
For example, friction and internal friction caused by differences in lifestyle, hobbies, social activities, and daily habits;
For example, because of the couple's work pressure, family responsibilities and financial pressures, which can lead to tension and conflict;
Another example is conflict and dissatisfaction due to different emotional and sexual needs. One person may want more intimacy, while another may be more focused on freedom and independence.
In short, the marriage is full of glass slag, and whether or not you can find candy to eat depends on a little luck and their respective practices.
I once experienced a neighbor I met since childhood, and the whole process of a sweet marriage turned into an internal friction marriage:
She and her husband are in free love, married for five years, and have always loved each other. Because you are too addicted to the world of the two, they are not in a hurry to have children, and they once became the talk of the neighborhood. Even so, it did not affect the marriage of the two. Originally, a marriage that married the right man and the right mother, who knew that it would collapse because of a job.
The two wanted to earn more money for having children in the future, but the man's company was not profitable, so they changed jobs. The new company has a higher salary than before, but it believes in a "wolf culture", and when the work pressure increases, it will bring bad emotions home, so the woman becomes a punching bag.
She talked to her husband about her company, but he was in no mood to pay attention; She invited her husband to go out for a break on his day off, he said that he was tired and wanted to make up for sleep; When she encountered something unpleasant and confided in her husband, he was impatient when he couldn't hear three sentences......
▲ "Remembering a Little"
At the beginning, she still had a tolerant attitude and wanted to explain herself, he didn't care about herself, didn't want to accompany herself, and was emotionally unstable, all because of the pressure of the new job, and it would be good to get on the right track and adapt. But the more time passed, the man's anger increased unabated, and although he would apologize to her afterwards, the frequency of his anger increased.
The "last straw" is a plate of stir-fried salty dishes. Once, the food she fried was a little salty, and he tasted it and said, "I am so tired from going to work every day that I can't even eat a mouthful meal when I get home." At that time, she completely understood that it was obviously the other party's fault, but she had been paying and supporting for this difficult time, and the only reward she got in the end was to be ignored and not respected.
▲ "The Most Perfect Divorce"
The two have quarreled and communicated many times, and have also asked their parents and close neighbors to mediate as a third party, but if the man does not make changes, there will be no change in this bad marriage. As a result, the woman filed for divorce. Her parents and family members all ran out to persuade her, and the rhetoric was almost always "It's him who is wrong, but he is also for this family, how tolerant and understanding you are", "He didn't eat, drink, prostitute and gamble, didn't cheat, didn't have domestic violence, it's good if the work doesn't go well, don't toss" and so on.
In the end, she could only be forced to spend time with this marriage, with her partner, and with herself. is not the kind of competitive "consumption" that vows to compete for superiority and change her face, but internal friction - she began to refuse to communicate, coldly deal with the contradictions in the relationship between the two, and no longer treat the person next to her with sincerity and love, but treat marriage with an attitude of "will pass". What was once intimacy in marriage turned into coldness and politeness.
▲ "Nurturing (Season 3)"
Zhang Ailing said in "Lingering Affection", "Born in this world, there is no relationship that is not full of holes", those marriages that are tempered by trivial matters are like the delicate loopholes in life, which are not obvious at first glance, but they are already full of devastation.
the internal friction of a generation,
Let two generations taste the bitter fruit
Internal friction will make a person consume a lot of mental resources, and when the resources are insufficient, the person's mental and physical problems will appear: exhaustion, anxiety, pain, depression, insomnia, vomiting, physical disorders, etc.
And the internal friction in marriage does not swallow up a person, it will slowly turn the home into a spiritual torture ground, family members are full of resentment, grievances, accusations and mutual complaints, and gradually make the family lose its due love and vitality.
What's even more cruel is that when you try your best to maintain an internal friction marriage, you will unconsciously divert the firepower and misuse the conflicts between husband and wife and the energy that should be used to change your partner or change yourself on your children.
In "Peaceful Death", Beauvoir mentions the trauma caused to her and her sister by her parents' unhappy marriage. Her mother was born in an era when she could not and did not dare to divorce, and in the face of her amorous and merciful father, her mother could only choose to accept and endure, and could only "live through others", and she devoted all her energy to controlling her two daughters.
As a result, Beauvoir's mother was a "possessive, arrogant and domineering person who wanted to keep us firmly in the palm of her hand". When the children began to yearn for freedom and loneliness, and wanted to leave her, the mother could not accept it, so the conflict between mother and daughter always intensified and broke out.
"There is always a mistake in the original family", but in this mistake, the culprit seems to be mostly the unhealthy marriage of the parents.
▲ "Home on the Ramp"
There used to be a topic on Douban: How many people have witnessed the unhappiness of their parents' marriage, resulting in their own lives not wanting to get married?
There are many replies from netizens:
Some fathers have a short temper, often scold their mothers and themselves, and they will have a relationship when they find a partner;
Someone has witnessed the endless quarrels and cold wars of their parents since childhood, and is hopeless about marriage.
This negative effect is not due to the child's vulnerability or exaggeration, but scientific research has confirmed its relevance.
Sarah R. Brauner-Otto, a relational sociologist and associate professor at Mc Gill University, has studied the impact of parental marital quality on children's transition into adulthood.
The results show that children with healthy marital parents are more likely to be in school longer and have higher educational attainment (there is a significant positive correlation between parental marital conflict and children's dropout). Children whose parents are married to healthy parents are willing to spend more time looking for a suitable partner and thus marry later; At the same time, a healthy marriage will create a comfortable family environment that will make the child reluctant to leave the family (in other words, conflict in the parent's marriage will accelerate the child's departure from school and into marriage). [2]
A healthy, happy marriage is not only a blessing in our own lives, but also a generous gift to future generations. Therefore, how to manage our marriage well is a lifelong lesson for us as partners and parents.
▲ "Escape is shameful but useful"
Editor丨Antelope, an observer of human cubs
参考资料丨[1] How To Deal With Inner Conflict And Free Yourself by Jacqueline T. Hill
[2] Brauner-Otto, Sarah R., et al. “Parents’ Marital Quality and Children’s Transition to Adulthood.” Demography, vol. 57, no. 1, Feb. 2020, pp. 195–220.
Title Picture丨"The Most Perfect Divorce"
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