Why is a man who loves his wife like his life still looking for a lover outside?
The essence of this question, in fact, is there a key point, that is, is a person's loyalty and the concentration of his love really completely equal?
Under the influence of implicit personality theory, the public will unconsciously form a certain fixed thinking, believing that the personality qualities of others are all interrelated, and understanding one of them can deduce other qualities and their behavior, and will also extend the quality of "loving wife" to a person's single-minded quality.
It is inconceivable to think that people who love their wives will cheat, which is actually contrary to this inherent logic, but in fact, "thinking that people who love their wives are absolutely very single-minded" is as ridiculous as "thinking that a kind person must be very generous".
Because love or not and single-mindedness are completely different things in a person's self-quality evaluation criteria.
First of all, the development of the general concept of "loving my wife as life", whether it is the care and care in life, or the full support of emotions and finance, is not an absolute bargaining chip, which can be branded with a lifetime of dedication.
"Loving my wife very much" is an explicit manifestation of behavior, and "unable to be single-minded" is the essential characteristic of character, there are many motives behind the behavior of loving my wife, perhaps identity, responsibility, personality, habits, etc., which cannot be completely linked to deep love.
Theoretically speaking, love does have exclusivity, but real marriage and real life actually break all concepts, imaginations and presuppositions, and most people's love in real marriage cannot rise to the level of true love at all, let alone judge a person's single-mindedness.
Therefore, what we need to focus on next is why the two seemingly contradictory human character traits of "loving wife" and "not being single-minded" appear in the same person at the same time.
This can just explain why men who love their wives deeply also have amorous and unfaithful cheating.
01 The contradictory nature of "loving wife" and "not being single-minded": self and human nature
Too many people are puzzled, if they really love their wives so much, how can they risk losing each other and cheating?
In fact, the emotional basis and the expression of male love in marriage are real, but what is even more real is the complex and changing human nature.
Love is not a completely clear black and white state, compared to doubting motives, criticizing right and wrong, and extreme pulling, what can really solve the problem is to first recognize the essential reasons for the coexistence of "love and non-dedicatedness".
Harari makes a point in A Brief History of the Future:
There is no "single unified self" in the human heart, but many "different opinions of the self that pull each other", which also reveals the contradiction that people can love deeply and half-heartedly.
在感情之中也是如此，人至少有两种自我，叙事自我（narrating self）及体验自我（experiencing self）。
The man who "loves his wife as his life" treats his wife as the root of his love comes from the "narrative self" that runs through his life, which is a grand, deep and habitual love.
When the "narrative self" judges the experience of something, it has the unity of time and space, and only adopts the "peak-end law", that is, only the average of the peak and the end as the value of the whole experience.
So to put it simply, when a man enters marriage, it is equivalent to entering a new stage of life, and the role of wife is an important part of a long life, and men have a "long story" that tells marriage and love, and through this "marriage story" to construct their own identity and meaning.
You may find that some good men seem to be gentle and kind in marriage, know how to give in when encountering conflicts, treat their wives with all aspects of everything, be patient, and do not complain, but these excellent qualities are their own personality and identity.
To put it bluntly, the "love for your wife as life" in your eyes, the truth may not be true, the performance and reaction you see are very likely to be different from the predicted concentration of love, there is indeed love for your wife, but it may not be the deep love you imagined.
Because from the perspective of the "narrative self", men's judgments about marriage and wives do not change because of small changes in a short period of time. From the perspective of life, the marriage with his wife does have a sweet and warm peak feeling, and also has the ending and end of companionship and old age, in short, there is a beginning and an end.
Because of this, men show the affectionate, gentle, and beautiful qualities of "loving their wives as life", and the moment when their true feelings are revealed may evolve into a habit of dependence, or even more hypocrisy, including the construction of a good man and a good husband's personality, which is just the peak moment in the "peak and end law" that men need.
The care, companionship, and support shown by men are subconsciously looking forward to the end of marriage in the "law of peak and end", and in order to maintain this ending, they can still perform the duties of "good husband and good man" on the surface.
So in fact, in the final analysis, when you think of deep love, maybe the concentration of love in this relationship is reduced, because this love is not completely exclusive to the wife herself, which also includes identity, habits, personality, and more likely the formation and maintenance of habits.
Why, then, is it said that men are still different from their wives about marriage? This is actually the unique influence of the "narrative self".
In the face of marriage and wife, the way men consider the "narrative self" can weave the wisps between marriage and wife into their own exclusive story, so they make plans and precipitate into experiences, showing the performance of loving their wives as their lives, which has never changed.
Because in the face of feelings, marriage and extramarital affairs mobilize male egos differently, they can really distinguish what is really important in life, and what is fun and play.
Especially according to case statistics, cheaters with a strong foundation of marital feelings often do not have deep obsession and unwillingness towards extramarital affairs, and are more ambiguous and dispensable.
For men, those who can retain memories, accumulate stories, and participate in major decisions are often in the field of mobilizing the "narrative self", which also points to the importance of marriage and wife in men's lives.
This also just shows that men do love their marriages and wives, because whether it is the peak of the relationship or the end of the marriage, these are all attached to the important course of his life and lay the most important foundation for the relationship.
Since marriage and lover have been able to satisfy a man's "narrative self" at the level of life, why does he continue to half-heartedly explore outwardly?
This brings us to another perspective, the realm of "experiencing oneself".
In fact, the motivation of a man who "loves his wife like life" to cheat on a third party is also from the "experience self" that he feels at this moment, which is another novel experience.
Why is the motivation for an affair a kind of "self-experience"?
Because it is an instant self that only happens at a certain moment or in a particular situation, it is the feeling of the moment and the feeling of remembering it compared to marriage.
"Experiencing the self" is different from the "narrative self" in terms of continuity and profundity, it is our consciousness and feeling at every moment, and when we make major decisions, we will not refer to the "experience self", and it will not profoundly form a force that shakes our lives.
For extramarital affairs that develop from this nature, men usually focus more on measuring their feelings by the process, so they do not really have the ability to retain memories, let alone influence the course of life.
Like brilliant fireworks, the wind passes without a trace, there is no deep memory, and it will not affect any changes in life.
For those marriages that are contradictory or have become boring, the man cheats in order to vent, release or fill the void, and perhaps there is still more affection.
But for marriages where there is still love and affection, a man's cheating is more about emotional outward migration, which is a "new satisfying experience in stability".
When a person's "self-experiential self" encounters a new and exciting opportunity, it will accumulate enough to destroy the integrity and plan of the "narrative self", and the infidelity will also occur.
For example, a person who originally had a plan for his marriage, treated his wife with tenderness and care, and was an excellent husband in the eyes of everyone, and he enjoyed it, this lifestyle is the exclusive plan of the "narrative self".
But after a while, when you suddenly meet someone unexpectedly or experience a new event, the "self-experience" becomes active, and the distraction begins to shift emotionally.
This is also the reason why in marriage, love, communication, giving, companionship, and all other emotional foundations and love maintenance seem to be difficult to really stifle extramarital affairs, because the above way is to promote the development of men's "narrative self" in the face of marriage, and the "experience self" can never be completely eliminated.
Maybe you will be confused when you see this, is it true that no matter whether the relationship is good or bad, love or not, is there really no solution to the matter of cheating?
Non-ya.
Now we need to go back to what we said at the beginning, to solve the most critical question, since love and loyalty are two different qualities, then after having the concentration of love, how should we pay attention to the fidelity of marriage?
02 Truly single-minded, able to integrate "self-experience" into married life
In the previous article, we analyzed the root cause and motivation of the contradiction between men cheating while being affectionate from our own perspective, and the important factor of marriage single-mindedness is often related to the common sense that things must be reversed.
The same is true of marriage, where the quality of single-mindedness is often attached to harmony, stability, and passion, and it can be extremely difficult to maintain if it is treated as a rigid rule and requirement.
Loyalty and single-mindedness, in addition to the persistence of personal character, also need motivation to be able to truly maintain it for a long time.
而影响婚姻感情专一度的，则是德西效应（Westerners effect）。
Analyzing this psychological concept can find a suitable balance for men's loyalty motivation, which is also the unity of the "narrative self" and the "experience self" when men treat feelings.
This psychology holds that moderate rewards are good for reinforcing people's intrinsic motivation, but too many rewards may reduce the individual's interest in the thing itself.
Translated, the "narrative self" in marriage allows men to obtain a stable sense of satisfaction, perhaps a steady repetition and bland emotional mobilization, and once the sense of stability is excessive, and the emotional mobilization and passion are lost, the "experience self" will be ready to move and begin to pursue new stimuli.
As a result, men may have been distracted from their single-minded attention, but the long-term calm and warmth did not allow men to live in peace, and people who have always been gentle and kind have derailed without warning.
A stable sense of security and gentle love for one's partner may be the long-term pursuit of all people, but over-indulging in the warm comfort zone will breed more hidden dangers, which is a habit of marriage, rather than a real two-way maintenance.
A man who "loves his wife like life" will cheat, perhaps because of the tenderness given, the emotional value given, and the performance given, which never really mobilizes his emotions, everything is habit, responsibility or naturalness.
Gradually, when facing contradictions and differences, both parties in a marriage will involuntarily suppress their true emotions and feelings, and instead cater to the natural personality.
On the contrary, there are also some marriages with large mood swings, perennial quarrels, quarrels, and quarrels, but they have been single-minded for a long time.
This is because everyone's energy is limited, and attention, focus, time, and energy are all the content of a man's inner single-mindedness, and there is no extra energy to explore outward, that is, to integrate "self-experience" into married life.
For example, changing the way of communication, adjusting the order of roles, and not deliberately staying the same in order to maintain stability, you can choose to put the micro perspective of "experiencing the self" before the macro perspective of the "narrative self", and change the way of communication in marriage according to your current state of mind and thoughts, so that the "narrative of marriage" is no longer for the big framework of "family", but for the small framework of "each other".
Another example is to focus on the hidden side of the other person.
People who have always been steady and gentle will also have suppressed potential needs and personalities; People who have always been dull and introverted may also expect bold, enthusiastic expressions. Guide each other to do more self-disclosure, so that couples have more opportunities to get closer to each other.
Another example is to create more interactive experiences that have never been between two people, couples who have been together for many years want to arouse the passion and freshness in the relationship, rather than going to a place that they have never been before, it is better to have a hearty quarrel that is easier to ignite each other.
For many couples, once each other's hearts become inaccessible, the love and warmth in marriage will be reduced to habit and numbness.
The husband has adopted the label of "loving his wife as life" through stylized efforts day after day, and the wife has strengthened her own demand for the "loving wife as life" character through the definition and standard of a good man by the public.
Only forgot to reveal to each other in a long marriage:
What kind of person are we?
What kind of person do we aspire to be?
How do we expect to be responded to by our partners?
As a result, those emotions and needs that have never been spoken and cannot be spoken about will wait for the opportunity to be vented and expressed through "extramarital affairs".
True loyalty is not maintained by the concentration of love, because that is not realistic;
True loyalty is not maintained by rational morality, because that is not reliable.
Love is the beginning of loyalty, but it is difficult to be the end of loyalty.
True loyalty must be based on the collision of two real individuals.
We will create a unique way of getting along with each other and communicating tacit understanding in the collision and running-in, it doesn't matter if others see it or not, the important thing is that we know what betrayal means to each other, would you be willing to exchange 100 yuan for someone else's 50 yuan? Fools are right?
When we dare to approach, see, understand and accept each other's greatness and insignificance, nobility and unbearability, we can reach the depths of each other's hearts, where there is the warmth and joy pursued by the "narrative self", as well as the ups and downs and freshness of the pursuit of the "experience self".
Why engage in any extramarital affairs?
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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