Before, my children would often complain to me: you are asking too much of me.
At that time, I disagreed, retorting that he "asks for the above to get it, and asks for the one below it", and if he sets the goal too low, it is really nothing.
It seems to be good, but to some extent, it is misinterpreted and misused. Especially when children are full of doubts about themselves and are tired of school, if they are driven by high goals, it will only make children have a sense of despair and self-blame of "I can't do it".
Making a child feel like "my mom expects all of me" and "my mom expects too much from me" are two very different feelings, the former can make the child feel full of anticipation, while the latter will only cause endless stress.
Or the same concept, under the different pressure resistance and mental strength of children, some high goals can produce positive incentives, but some high goals will only make children slowly tired of learning.
Fit for purpose is particularly important. So ask yourself one more question:
Are there differences between what is expected of the child and what the child expects of himself? Are the goals appropriate to your child's current situation?
I set a very high goal for my child, and let him take the top 20 of the grade as his benchmark, but later found that the child couldn't do it for a while, and he would have his own sadness and helplessness.
High goals not only do not allow the child to get positive feedback, but constantly challenge his self-confidence.
When I realized that the goal was too high, it would cause pressure on the child, so I slowly gave up on the goal, or the goal was broken down a little more carefully, the goal was lowered, and then I focused on the phased goals, such as monthly goals and weekly goals.
In this way, after the goal is lowered, it stands on the edge of jumping and reaching.
Let's put it this way, if the child sets too high a goal and it is difficult to achieve it for a while, even if there is progress every time, he will not meet the expected value, and then there will only be guilt and doubt, but not his own progress.
When I understand this, I no longer interfere with the child's goal calibration, but affirm and encourage the child from the subtle progress, and even find the child's shining point in the mistakes.
For example, when my child stares at the points he has lost, I tell him: How awesome. After losing some points that shouldn't be lost, being able to take the test so high is enough to prove your strength. If you always stare at your carelessness and can't see what you're doing well, it's not masochism.
If I emphasize again, don't say anything that shouldn't be lost, it's that the knowledge points are not solid. Or teach: I said a long time ago that you should be serious and careful, but you don't listen, or say some nonsense: it's good to be serious next time.
These are only ineffective communication for children, and they cannot stimulate children's self-motivation, nor can they make children's hearts feel better.
Sometimes, parents think that I don't quarrel with my child, I am very tolerant of my child, and I don't care about his grades, but why does my child still feel a lot of pressure?
Stress is divided into latent stress, unconscious stress, and perceptible stress. Most of the stress is unconscious, and these pressures are projected by parents to their children unconsciously.
Such as casual words, inappropriate encouragement, and not very consistent communication methods can cause children to be bored with school.
To put it bluntly, when children can't do it or feel that they can't do it, they lose the confidence to move forward, lose trust in the goal, and become drifting with the crowd.
At this time, if the parents are not awake and still face the children with the right reasoning or preaching or worrying, the result is really incomprehensible.
There is an effect in psychology called the Pygmalion effect, which is that the more unconditionally parents trust their children, the better off their children will be. On the other hand, if you are always worried and suspicious, your child will be as you wish.
Then the parents will also say, obviously the child is tired of school and rotten, how can I trust the child?
At this time, parents should improve their mental strength through learning and make more psychological construction: first, believe that the child has done his best, secondly, believe that the child can always do better, and finally firmly support and trust the child.
These are easy to say, but difficult to do. In particular, it is even more difficult to believe consistently.
Awakened parents will not regard the achievement of the goal as everything, but the process and firmness of the sprint goal as everything, fight, give it a try, not necessarily to win, but must have the heart and action to win.
Convey to your child a sense of "I trust you", "It's okay if you can't do it", "Whether you do it or not, you are my pride".
The trust of parents conveys a ubiquitous sense of security and steadfastness to the child, and when the child is not afraid, worried, or blamed himself, his self-motivation and action and explosiveness can be well interpreted.
Don't expect too much, but don't expect it all, accompany the child through positive language, parents don't force the child, and don't let the child force themselves, act spontaneously and positively.
With such awakened parents, the child will definitely not be bad.