Wen \ Jiang Zuo Mei Niang
01. The niece's directness and bravery
One weekend last month, my husband and I went to a house party together.
In the midst of a busy preparation, my niece suddenly said loudly to her mom, "Mom, I want that pink balloon!" ”
Her mother smiled and said, "Baby, this balloon is used to decorate the atmosphere, if we take it away, then this field will not be beautiful." ”
She nodded at her mom and didn't take the balloon, but her directness and bravery reminded me of my own childhood.
At that time, I was a very well-behaved girl, and I never dared to express my thoughts directly like her.
Lao Yang looked at me stunned, and asked me with a smile: "Do you think she is very brave?" ”
I said, "Yes, I never dared to ask for it so unsolicited. ”
My husband said, "What if you really want something?" ”
"I usually say once that once my mom rejects me, I'll never want that thing again." I replied.
My husband said, then you are really miserable, because no one will clearly know how much you want that thing, so you will never be able to have what you want.
He was quite right.
This self-restraint and willingness to be wronged seems to have stayed with me and continued into my life and marriage.
And I might get a "compliment" of "you're so sensible", is it really worth it?
02. A letter from a female reader
Coincidentally, I received a letter from a reader yesterday, which made me very emotional.
She remembers the first time she met her boyfriend, wearing a coat made in a tailor's shop, and the material of the coat was very cheap, but the style was not bad.
Her boyfriend later told her that when he first met her, he thought she was a simple girl from a rural area, because the material of her dress reminded him of the material used to make insoles at home.
Of course, her boyfriend himself was born in the countryside, he didn't dislike her, and the two of them were quite able to talk together, so they fell in love.
After many years, she told me that she thought she and him fell in love at first sight, but now she realizes that maybe he chose her because she was "cheap and easy to use".
It feels very heart-wrenching, but it's true, and later their relationship also made her boyfriend feel that marrying her was really profitable.
She was so sensible that she knew that he didn't have much savings, so the place of the date was always cheap food stalls and roadside stalls;
Knowing that his family was burdened, she never asked him to buy him any gifts for herself on Valentine's Day or birthday;
knew that his parents were not in good health and could not work, and she didn't even ask for the bride price when they got married, and she bought the wedding house herself.
But what did she get? After getting married, her husband despised her day by day, and her in-laws exploited her day by day.
She felt that she was really wrong.
In fact, I understand her very well, a woman who is too sensible, but because she loves her man too much, she always doesn't want to think about him, she doesn't want him to be embarrassed, and the underlying expectation in my heart is: I am wronged for you, I hope you can see it, I hope you can love me more.
But the reality is that if you don't say it, if you don't express it, a man won't see it, he will only get used to your understanding, thinking that you are really good at talking and have no needs, not only will you not get more love from him, on the contrary, you will only get more and more of his neglect.
03. My sorrow
Fortunately, her awakening is not too late, otherwise, she will really become a "thankless" existence in marriage.
Thinking that when I was newly married, Lao Yang and I decided to decorate the new house, and I also had a lot of dreams and design ideas about the home in my heart, but whenever I discussed specific details, I would always consider Lao Yang's views very much, for fear that he would be unhappy if I put forward my own opinions, so in the end, I would only say: "You decide, I can do it." ”
He always encouraged me to express my opinions, but I always felt that it would be a burden for him to say it.
So, I supported the decisions he made, and I didn't resist all his unintentional neglect, and this kind of "sensible" performance made me give up my preferences and choices again and again.
Until one time, I said that a certain piece of furniture in the house is not the color I like, and he was a little angry when he heard it, because he felt that this color was the one I picked with him at that time, why am I so picky now?
And I was also very aggrieved, because I didn't really like it at the time, I just chose against my will, but can I blame Lao Yang for this?
Of course, I blame myself, because I didn't directly tell him my truest thoughts, and it is indeed a bit unkind to say this afterwards.
Then one day, my friend complained to me that she felt unappreciated in her marriage, and her words were like a mirror, reflecting my own long-standing grievances and forbearance.
"Actually, we really should all be the first to speak up for what we want." I told her that I was also alerting myself.
04. Mei Niang said
We continued to chat and discuss our respective career options. She had just been offered a job at a multinational company with a privileged position and attractive pay, but that meant she needed to move to another city.
Her hesitation reminds me of myself, if it were me, what would I choose?
I took a deep breath and thought that I would be going after it now.
Although I have avoided for many years that my will will will be a burden to my family, at this moment, I feel that true equality and support should not be just one-way.
In fact, whether in marriage or in life, we should not always play the role of "sensible" in obscurity, we all have the right and should be brave to express our needs and desires.
Later, we had a second house, and I replanned the home that was going to be renovated with Lao Yang.
I boldly shared my design philosophy with him, and he not only supported my idea, but also happily "icing on the cake" on my idea, and at that moment, I felt respected like never before.
I found that I really didn't need to feel any guilt, because the person who loves you and considers your opinion is also a kind of happiness for him.
Since then, I have slowly taken the initiative to express myself in my marriage, and "I want", "I don't agree", "I need" have become regular guests in our conversations, and our relationship has become more harmonious and healthy as a result.
I no longer feel guilty or wronged, and he has learned to be more empathetic and respectful of me.
Our marriage is visibly getting better and better.
A woman's good life in marriage starts from being sensible and daring to express her needs.
When we no longer suffer in silence and no longer accommodate others unconditionally, you will find that you will live more comfortably.
Love should be a dance of free will and self-fulfillment on both sides, not a sacrifice and tolerance on the part of one party.
Each of us should have the right to choose our own way of life, and we also have the right to say no, don't ignore your desires, your needs, your ambitions, dare to make demands and choices with men, you will find that, in fact, in marriage, you will have more say, and he, without having to guess, pay for your boring emotions.
A truly happy marriage is based on mutual understanding and support, and when you are no longer sensible and learn to take responsibility for your own happiness, he will be able to respect and love you more.