Let's do a little survey first, when it comes to "strangers", what is your knee-jerk reaction? Single selection, vigilance, keeping a distance, no feeling, silently drifting by, like to chat with strangers, and be warmed by the kindness of strangers to vote
I have a feeling that people are not as wary and wary of strangers as they were more than a decade ago, but instead of being friendly to each other, they have become indifferent. Even if you are infinitely close in physical space, you should try to be as distant as possible in social space. Roommates living under the same roof can go months without talking, and when they meet a neighbor in the elevator, they quickly look down at their phones. Every day, I rub shoulders with the community security guards but never meet them, and my colleagues who have no business contacts don't know what the other party's name is until they leave. It was as if everyone was wearing a social isolation mask with a diameter of two meters, there was no threat and no temperature, and everyone was a stranger to each other.
But this state of life seems to be understandable. "Defamiliarization" is the result of social transformation and urban development, and to a certain extent, it is also an active choice we make to protect ourselves. After all, distance means safety, and there is no friction without contact. However, some people and events I have experienced in recent years have changed my thinking. We strive to achieve unfamiliarity, to cut out those small uncertainties, to make the surrounding environment simple and controllable. But is it possible, and therefore a more precious thing, to be lost?
Shielding strangers exacerbates loneliness and isolates them from real life
Do you feel this way? I am far away from home and working hard, working hard, living hard, and it seems that I am living a lively life, but a corner of my heart will always seem to be occupied by loneliness, like floating in a dark space, unable to find coordinates and have no sense of belonging. We often think that loneliness is caused by a lack of quality relationships with family and friends. However, social psychology research has found that in addition to intimate strong relationships, those weak ties that nod their heads are equally important for alleviating loneliness and increasing a sense of belonging [1].
Reflecting on what happened to us during the pandemic may give us a deeper understanding of the impact. During the quarantine period, we were still able to see our families and connect with friends, but we could not go to roadside stalls, cafes, wet markets, gyms, and interaction with non-close acquaintances and strangers was completely cut off. Many psychological studies during the COVID-19 pandemic have found that these occasional, transient social interactions are reduced and deepened feelings of loneliness [2-3]. In addition to friends and family, people crave a wider range of connections, including interactions with strangers. In one of the studies, the researchers analyzed the diaries of 35 ordinary people, and there was one episode that stood out to me and made me think about it for a long time: "I miss not only my friends, but also strangers. I miss the chance encounters with people on the street, in the shops, in the bars, I miss connecting with someone and going their separate ways, I crave new perspectives, ideas and stories."
We can all sense that loneliness is a desire for connection and a fear of a lack of intimacy. So why do you need such random, not-so-strong connections? Mark Granovetter, a professor of sociology at Stanford University, makes the seminal idea in The Power of Weak Ties that the quantity of social interactions contributes more to an individual's well-being than the quality or intensity of social relationships [4]. In fact, if we think of supportive social relationships as a net, family and friends are its strongest center, and the seemingly inconsequential "thank you" of strangers, the occasional contact, and the little bit of kindness are all weaving and expanding the boundaries of this web for us. The larger the network, the more it can support individual emotions and stabilize the order of life.
Without these small connections and support, no matter how strong a person is, they are isolated from life. It's like a plant that has lost its well-developed root system, can't grasp the land under its feet, and can't really blend into it. In recent years, everyone has often talked about the issue raised by anthropologist Xiang Biao - the disappearing neighborhood. It's about our perception of the world, which increasingly relies on grand narratives rather than on specific people and events around us. Nearby, concrete, in fact, strangers are the most typical representatives. Blocking them is equivalent to erasing the biggest link in the vicinity of human relationships. As a result, you will find that our understanding of society and people is limited to news and social media, constantly impacted by distant events and opinions, emotional ups and downs, tension and anxiety. We feel like we can connect with the whole world, but we don't feel like we're connected at all, like a lonely boat floating in the middle of the ocean. When things near and everyday become blurry, it is easy for people to lose control of their lives, which may be one of the reasons why we often feel lost and powerless at the moment. So, take away that barrier and see a wider range of concreteness and a more real life, and the lever that pulls it all on is to see the strangers around you.
Just a few words with a stranger can bring happiness
Connecting with strangers is much easier than we think. A lot of the time, it's just a "thank you", "you're back", "hey, you like XX too". A large 2023 survey study showed that people who frequently engage in simple, immediate interactions (small talk, or just thanks and greetings) with strangers had higher subjective well-being and life satisfaction than those who were alone and avoided communicating with strangers[5]. It may be difficult to imagine how a trivial interaction can be associated with happiness. But in fact, this positive emotional experience is likely to have already taken place in our life experience, but it has not yet been noticed and mobilized. I remember walking in the park one evening, and a West Plateau came up to my feet, and I couldn't help but compliment its owner, "Your dog is so cute," and the girl said, "You want to pet it." So I had a chance to post happily. The mood of that day was like the tail of a puppy, fluffy swaying in the wind.
And once I worked late overtime, I was physically and mentally exhausted, and when I got out of the elevator, I happened to meet my neighbor Uncle Northeast, who had no foreshadowing and was even a little caught off guard, he said, "Son, just got off work, it's too hard." It's hard to say how powerful that sentence could be, but at that moment, I really felt a long-lost, unguarded kindness. It allowed me to withdraw from the exhaustion of reality and be enveloped in a warmth that was almost like home. It's like a hand that pulls a person back to the ground from a suspended state. Psychologist Gillian Sandstrom, who has long studied "minimal social interaction" and has conducted many crowd experiments, has repeatedly concluded that a short casual conversation with a stranger makes people feel better and feel connected to others [5-7]. These positive emotions are the source of happiness.
More importantly, these exchanges, however brief, are a reminder that we are part of our community and the larger world. When they happen more often, they come together like the lights of the night, making us feel accepted and not alone. In addition, you may not realize that in addition to psychological support, small connections with strangers can actually affect our health.
People with diverse social interactions are in better health
A study in the American Journal of Epidemiology, pooled data from two large cohort studies with an average follow-up of 16 years—found that those with more weak ties had a lower risk of early death, and that the number of weak ties had an even greater impact on the risk of death than strong ties[8]. Another assessment with more than 50,000 participants also showed that people who could talk to anyone and had diverse social interactions were in better health [9]. The conclusion was a bit unexpected. We all know that emotional support from family, friends, or partners is good for health, and these strong relationships should have a greater impact than weak ones. However, the researchers found that there are two other factors that may be underestimated in addition to emotional support: one is information/tool support that enables people to make healthy choices. It's not hard to understand that people with a large number of weak ties are more likely to have access to helpful people, such as doctors, in an emergency. In layman's terms, it means that there are many people and resources. In addition, weak relationships do not require much effort to maintain, do not involve strong emotions, and are more likely to avoid the negative effects of social relationships, such as conflict and stress. As the saying goes, there is no harm if there is no expectation. Although the relationship between weak relationship and health is more of a correlation than a clear causal relationship. People with a large number of weak ties are likely to be more educated, have healthier lifestyles, and care more about their own well-being. However, people's physical and psychological conditions, health conditions and social relations are inherently intertwined and mutually influential. Connecting with strangers is not a direct antidote, but we should not think of it as an incision to examine our own life, a physical and mental health attempt that is not time-consuming and emotionally burdensome.
Awkward, nervous? We overestimate how difficult it is to interact with strangers
Despite all the benefits, chatting with strangers sounds too avant-garde for introverts. In fact, it is not just i people, some scholars who specialize in social relationships have found that many people instinctively think that they don't like to interact with strangers. Afraid of making simple and deep words, worried that an embarrassment will be exchanged for a lifetime of autism. However, both theoretical research and practical experience are shouting at us, which is probably a misunderstanding. In an experiment at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, participants were asked to commute on trains and buses, chat with strangers next to them, and be alone without talking. Not surprisingly, they all thought it would be better to be alone before the experiment. However, the experiment reversed, suggesting that interacting with strangers was a more positive experience than being alone [10]. The researchers believe that this indicates a deep misunderstanding of the psychological consequences of talking to strangers, describing it as "Mistakenly seeking solitude". If you observe the people around you, you will also find that these "slaps in the face" happen from time to time. A friend of mine, who has an I-value of 95%, goes to a park where he can play chess with his uncle and dance with his aunt. When you go out on a trip, you can bring back stories and small gifts from strangers almost every time. There are also many i people on social platforms who say that they can't open their mouths in front of acquaintances, but they can talk to strangers.
Image source: Xiaohongshu
In fact, it is still the same truth, we don't have too much baggage and emotional burden in the face of strangers, but we can relax and let go. And because the cost of expectation is zero, any exchange can bring surprises. It's like treasure hunting, as long as you feel some fluctuations, feelings, vibrations once, then you will earn. Say hello and you'll get a little warmth. Chat a few words about homely things, and there is a little more weak relationship on the interpersonal support network. By talking about experiences and opinions, we can get a glimpse of a different life and develop a deeper understanding of people and things. My friend and I recently watched a variety show "Splendid Garden" by actor Zhang Songwen, which was very inspiring, and I often marveled at his childlike curiosity and strong sensitivity to the surroundings. He will see sheep dung on the side of the road, his eyes will shine, he will ask the uncle who herds sheep how to distinguish the male and female of sheep, he will take the initiative to bring friends to attend the wedding of the villagers, and he will drive three jumpers to chat with flower farmers in order to obtain knowledge of flower raising...... And these are precisely the composition of his rich life experience and the nutrients of his performance.
Why do we talk to strangers? Not only because connection and belonging are basic human needs, but also because these real-life interactions allow us to see the experiences and perspectives of others, rather than just staying in a cocoon shaped by ourselves. And when we can see more specific people, we can also understand and tolerate more people and things, and finally see and accept ourselves. The security guard who once opened the door for you, the clerk who chatted with you about beans at a café, a colleague from another department who helped you get a delivery, and a stranger who shared a story with you during your travels...... Remember them? Meeting their gaze and smiling and chatting is not as difficult as imagined. May we all have the courage to put ourselves into real life.