Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
At any time, don't use adult thinking to set goals for your child, and children should also have their own pace of growth
If our children grow up in an environment of being urged and persecuted for a long time, the final result may become more and more inflexible
After the midterm exams, my friend Linlin was so angry with her daughter that she "wanted to go to work"
The reason is that her daughter is a typical chronic child, and she likes to be lazy
Due to long-term bad study habits, the midterm exams were completely destroyed
62 points in Chinese, barely passing, 53 points in English, and the most angry thing is that I only scored 37 points in mathematics
This made her wonder why she got such bad results in the exam, even though she had quit her job to be a full-time mother at home, and she was mainly "taking care of her daughter and tutoring and studying" all day long
These words were also thrown to the child as they were
As a result, the answer was a painful thrashing with his head in his hands
You ask her what she does, and she replies: I'm stupid, I'm the stupidest person in the class, no, the stupidest person in the school."
Listening to these words, my friend didn't feel good in his heart
Because of these words, I used to often complain about my daughter, especially when I couldn't correct the wrong questions and couldn't move them, so I basically wouldn't have any nice words in my mouth
I remember that the famous adolescent counselor Silence once said:
"If a child is forced and urged to grow up from childhood to adulthood, then the child's neural rubber band will be stretched very tightly, and the result will be inelastic."
So what is "inelastic"? On this topic, Lan Ma also went to find out
The conclusions are divided into 3 broad areas:
01
Inelastic
It's just that there is no responsibility for doing things
There is no child who is born with friction, only the lack of consciousness that is pushed step by step, if the child is urged for a long time and becomes inflexible, the result is nothing more than not urging or not moving, and then urging or not moving
The uncle's youngest son is a typical "you urge, he moves" character
When I went to his house when I was a child, I heard the most words:
"Hurry up, it's time to eat"
"Why don't you move, the food is cold"
"What time is it? Why haven't you finished your homework yet, what have you been doing for half a day?"
"If you don't sleep, you won't be able to get up tomorrow morning"
And when I grow up, when I go to my uncle's house again, it is still the same urging voice for thousands of years:
"Hurry up and clean up and be handsome, Aunt Liu introduced you to a girl"
"You are not too young, if you don't get married, you will become an old bachelor"
"Is there any more about job promotions and salary increases? Why do you have to hang yourself from a tree, a good job is not just your company"
To be honest, every time I go to my uncle's house and hear these nagging, I feel irritated and uncomfortable
In private, he also persuaded him: "Push too hard, be careful of your cousin's annoyance"
As a result, my uncle told me: "He won't be annoyed, now he can call me for ideas on everything, I let him do it himself, and he cried and said: No Dad."
Looking at my uncle's proud face, I was not half happy
Because the cousin who "has to call for ideas about everything" in his uncle's mouth is really an old man
is already 28 years old, and he has no responsibility on his body, and he is even more passive and sluggish in doing things
Take this year's layoffs in the company, in the face of "which should be laid off and which should be kept", the cousin should eat and play, and it will not be affected at all
Especially during the work, after learning that "we have to lay off employees anyway", I simply began to be lazy and fished, and directly put on an indifferent attitude of "love to cut or not to lay".
I once asked me to play a game in a team, and I looked at the time and reminded him, "Isn't it working time?"
Unexpectedly, my cousin told me: "The company is going to lay off employees, what are you going to do?"
I continued to persuade: "Isn't it yet that the final result has not yet arrived? Maybe if you behave better, you can be retained by the company."
He still couldn't listen, and said indifferently: "What are you afraid of, you will be cut, anyway, there are my fathers and them, from childhood to adulthood, they urge me to do anything, and I don't have to worry about it at all."
What is it? This is the dependence formed by excessive urging, after children are accustomed to "doing everything with their parents behind them", they will subconsciously have no sense of responsibility, let alone worry about "what to do if this thing is not done well"
lacks responsibility, thinking, and responsibility, so that in the end they become "inflexible" gnawing old people
Therefore, from the perspective of long-term planning, it is not terrible for children to grind, but what is terrible is the dependence and lack of consequences brought about by parents' constant urging
If you don't want your child to become such an "inflexible" character in the future, you should let your child do his own things, and his life habits from childhood to adulthood will also become the key to affecting his future character
02
Inelastic
It's just a broken can, broken and broken
Friction and procrastination are almost a necessary stage in the growth process of every child, especially in the choice of learning and playfulness
There is a mother who took her 10-year-old daughter to a speech contest at school
From the moment she entered the school gate, her mother kept asking the girl: "How is it, are you familiar with the manuscript?"
The girl nodded, but her mother was still not at ease
In order not to make mistakes on stage, let the girl practice several times in advance
But there were too many people at the scene, and the voice was very noisy, and although the girl had already recited in the loudest voice, her mother still felt that the voice was not loud enough
Over and over again, "No, be louder, bring more emotion", slowly made the girl's mood become irritable
She told her mother: "I know, don't rush it"
The response given by my mother was: "If you really know, you usually know that you are proactive at home, but every time I don't urge, you don't move, so unmotivated, how can you be on the stage later"
So, it was in a good state, but under the constant urging of my mother, it became a broken jar
The girl thought: "Anyway, you think I can't get on the stage, so why do you have to practice"
In the end, fortunately, the teacher found the frustration of the girl with her head down, and stepped forward in time to give comfort and encouragement, so as to give the girl the courage to give a speech on stage again
There is also a mother, whose daughter is also a particularly abrasive and sloppy child
The mistakes I bring back every day are basically caused by carelessness and not reading the questions properly
In order to improve the efficiency of learning, my mother sat aside and kept urging:
"Hurry up, read the question well"
"Be serious, don't look around"
"Don't bother, there's the next question"
I thought that with the supervision of parents, the attitude towards homework would be much more positive, but the result was that the more the mother urged, the higher the child's error rate
When asked why, the child's answer was:
"As soon as I write my homework, my mother's critical voice surrounds my ears, and my mind will go blank, and I don't know how to do the problem at all."
See, this is the result of excessive urging, all the urging voices, in the end, not only can not help children improve their learning efficiency, but become an obstacle that affects children's concentration and thinking
When the child's brain becomes sluggish and is still urged and hit, the child can only make himself feel better by breaking the jar
Therefore, urging will only make the result worse, and the more the child urges, the lazier and stupider he becomes, and it is not a joke to say casually
If we don't want our children to be inelastic and broken, then we must be enlightened parents
When children learn well, recognize their achievements, and when children do not study well, they should also be their life coach, with more encouragement and positive language guidance
03
Inelastic
I can't accept the result
The easiest way for parents to love their children is not to give them food and clothing in life, but to allow their children to take their time to develop spiritual and spiritual nourishment
A female colleague of the anxious son, just a few days after the May Day holiday, broke down and cried because of tutoring
Her daughter is the kind of selective who doesn't study, but when she learns, she wilts
When you talk about learning, you can't hear or see at all
However, if you say where there is good food and fun, then you immediately come to the spirit and keep asking: "Where is the delicious food, where is the fun?"
Every time I mentioned this, my colleagues were furious
Especially after the midterm exam results before May Day were released, the results of several subjects did not look ideal, and I originally planned to go out to play on May Day, but it was also in vain
Probably wanting to take advantage of the holiday to overtake in a few days, my colleague arranged a lot of calculation problems for her daughter
But after two days, less than 5 calculation questions were completed seriously, and there were a lot of "I want to go out to play" at the back of the homework book
This scene made my colleagues speechless
There was no way, so she had to sit at the study desk to supervise, watching the child work overtime to finish
But as a result, the negative effect of urging also came
Like what:
"I'm worried that I won't finish my homework, so I'm so anxious that I cry"
"If you can't do a math problem, you can be so angry that you can drop things and pull your hair"
"Even the writing has to be erased, written, written"
At first, everyone thought it was about excellence, and it was also to show the best in front of my mother
But after a few days of observation, my colleague found that the child was a glass heart
When she sees that others are better than her, she will jealously say bad things about them
When I want to be praised, I deliberately say, "I didn't listen to the class at the same table, and I was criticized by the teacher."
In order to brush up on the sense of presence, students who do not follow discipline at school will also be shared
What is it? This is also a manifestation of "inelasticity" after being urged for a long time, because of the eagerness to prove oneself, or brush up on the sense of existence, there will be a lot of irritable or belittling others to show their excellent behavior
And children with this kind of psychology are also easy to live in the eyes of others and the evaluation of others, resulting in dissatisfaction with what they do and failure to meet the standards of what they do
Therefore, urging children is a wrong decision in itself, and children who grow up under urging for a long time will find it difficult to become themselves, let alone gain positive self-confidence energy
In order for children to have confidence now and for their future, it is recommended to let go of anxiety from now on and let children truly be themselves
What parents can do is also stand behind their children, step forward to help when they need it, and wait quietly when they don't
Nourish the child's confidence with encouragement, wait to trust the child, and believe that over time, the child will be better, more active, and more active than in the past...
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on the fact that children may become "inflexible" if they are urged for a long time? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!