I once read Matsuo Basho's words in the "Reader" magazine:
"At the beginning of September in late autumn, I returned to my hometown. The daylilies of the North Hall have withered after frost, and there is no trace of them so far, and everything is unrecognizable. The brothers and sisters have gray temples and wrinkled eyebrows. Just say 'cherish, cherish, cherish', and have no words. ”
- "The Secret of Second-Hand Books"
Photo: Zhiyi
In just a few words, the situation of people reaching middle age is implicitly expressed.
As I get older, a lot of things begin to become clear.
We are no longer impatient, and we are not reckless in the moment; We are no longer reckless, no longer arbitrarily intervening in other people's cause and effect.
The relationship between middle-aged people is often as natural as boiled water: it is not strong, cold and warm; It is not intense and good for the body and mind.
And the relationship with siblings also follows this principle.
They are the partners left by our parents, the people who know us in the world and grow up with us, and it is understandable that they are close to each other and help each other.
However, no matter how good the relationship between brothers and sisters is, in the process of getting along, they should also pay attention to some proportions.
The following 3 kinds of help, no matter how good the relationship is, try not to help, otherwise it is easy to turn against each other.
Source: Visual China
Don't help reconcile the contradictions between husband and wife, it's easy to offend both ends
As the saying goes: "It is difficult for a clean official to cut off family affairs." ”
Family conflicts are public and reasonable, and mother-in-law says that mother-in-law is reasonable, and it is difficult to judge who is right and who is wrong.
In particular, the conflicts between husband and wife are even more complicated.
If you weren't the parties, you wouldn't have been able to fully understand what was going on between the two people and why they were arguing.
When your siblings and partner have a conflict, even if you want to help reconcile, don't get involved.
Because you are neither a witness to their marital conflicts, nor do you understand the various trivial matters in the process of getting along with them.
So, at this time, it's better to be a listener rather than a mediator or judge.
You can listen to the other person's complaints, but you must not blame the other person for not being right, let alone blaming their partner.
Otherwise, in the future, the two will be reconciled, and you will be in a very awkward position, and it is easy to have estrangement between siblings.
I've seen the story of netizens on the Internet before.
Bibi said that her sister and brother-in-law quarreled, and her sister came to her to cry, saying that her brother-in-law was not right, and even mentioned divorce.
Bibi felt that her sister had been wronged in this marriage, so she was indignant and asked her brother-in-law Xingshi for her guilt, and persuaded her sister to divorce.
However, it didn't take long for my sister to reconcile with her brother-in-law, but Bibi became the outsider who "sow discord", and the relationship with her sister was no longer what it used to be.
It is said that "quarrel at the head of the bed and at the end of the bed", between husband and wife, no matter how fierce the quarrel is, there will be a day of reconciliation.
When your siblings have a conflict with your partner, don't easily take sides or blame one party, just wait and see what happens.
When it comes to emotional matters, outsiders can make conclusions based on just one side of the story, and it is easy to displease both ends.
Even if they ask you to make peace, find a reason to avoid it. In this way, it will not hurt the harmony between brothers and sisters, nor will it dig a hole for yourself. This is how high emotional intelligence is handled.
Source: Visual China
Don't easily introduce jobs to each other's children, it's easy to be thankless
It is said that "one radish is a pit", although the words are clichéd, they are not rough.
Finding a job, like finding a partner, is highly subjective. The job you like doesn't necessarily work for someone else.
It's useless how good you think, the most important thing is that the person likes it.
If you take matters into your own hands to help your children find a job without their consent, the end result is likely to be thankless.
Uncle Liu, a neighbor, is like that.
He is a warm-hearted man, he works for a large company, retires in a few years, and usually has the closest contact with his own brother.
My nephew has never found a job after graduating from college, and the family is very worried.
The younger brother's family conditions are average, and I really hope that this uncle who "has a formal job" can help the child solve work problems. Uncle Liu was unwilling, but he couldn't stand his brother's soft grinding and hard bubbles.
He was very attentive, asked everywhere, and finally recommended his nephew to a certain unit.
As a result, the child has been less than half a year ago, and this matter has changed a little.
The employer suspected that the child was not strong in ability and poor enthusiasm for work, and the child suspected that the salary was low and the career growth space was small, and the younger brother who asked Uncle Liu for help also complained to Uncle Liu.
While several parties were not satisfied, Uncle Liu also owed favors to others.
This seems to be everyone's efforts and worries, but in fact, no one has ever asked the child what he likes or what he wants to do. This makes a good thing a thankless task.
In today's era, there are more types of occupations and career options. It's hard to say what is the best job.
If you think that the public examination is stable, maybe the child likes to live freely; You feel comfortable and satisfied in your hometown, maybe your child has a dream to go to a distant land......
For young people in the new era, life is more of an experience than some set outcome.
As elders or peers, we can put forward our own suggestions and opinions for young people, but don't make decisions for them on our own, otherwise, it is easy to end up with a thankless end.
The popular accusations against "daddy" among young people are not unfounded.
Sometimes, out of love for our children, we will instinctively let them avoid risks and not repeat the mistakes of the past, however, there are some things that need to be experienced by ourselves.
After all, the growth and responsibilities that people need to bear in their lives are ultimately faced by themselves.
Source: Visual China
Don't encourage the other party to make large investment decisions, it's easy to become a stranger
In Les Misérables, Hugo said:
"It is the human heart that releases the infinite light, and it is the human heart that creates the boundless darkness, the light and the darkness are intertwined and fighting, this is the world that we are attached to and helpless."
The contradiction between the two is what we call "human nature".
Human nature is often the most unbearable test in the face of money.
Therefore, no matter how good the relationship with your siblings is, don't easily encourage the other party to make large investment decisions.
If the other person makes money, it doesn't necessarily thank you; But if you lose money, he will definitely blame you. Even if you don't express it face-to-face, there will always be a gap in your heart.
Over time, there is a rift in the intimate relationship.
A few years ago, my friend Kunzi got the "scoop" on an investment product from a so-called insider.
It is said that it is profitable, the development is steady, and the worst can protect the capital. Kunzi invested some money in it at the beginning, and sure enough, he got a high profit.
Kunzi is a solid person, thinking that such a good opportunity to make money should be told to his relatives, so Kunzi encouraged his brother to invest together.
At that time, his brother was in financial difficulty, but when he saw that Kunzi was indeed making money, he also felt that his brothers would not harm each other, so he took out a loan to invest money on the platform.
They invested more and more, and in the first month or two, they did receive the agreed dividends.
Unexpectedly, the platform was closed one year later, and the products they invested in were lost, and the little money they originally made was lost.
Although Kunzi himself was also a victim, his brother and sister-in-law have since drawn a line with Kunzi. Why bother!
Everyone has their own money planning and risk tolerance, so you don't have to rush to stand up for your brother or sell the "business opportunities" you see to the people around you.
Otherwise, the next Kunzi is likely to be ourselves.
If you must have a large amount of money exchange, it is best to make a good note so that you don't get it clear.
People are all seeking advantages and avoiding disadvantages, this is not the hot and cold world, but biological instinct.
Source: Visual China
Write at the end
There is a line like this in "The Legend of Zhen Huan": "Since the affairs of people and the world cannot be considered by everyone, then they can only be considered themselves." ”
Siblings, no matter how good the relationship is, there are still some variables with different life stages and needs, and each other will have different living situations and positions.
So, when we get along with our brothers and sisters, we have to have a little sense of boundaries.
It's okay to help each other, but don't meddle in things you shouldn't:
Don't help reconcile the contradictions between other people's husbands and wives, it's easy to offend both ends;
Don't easily help the other party's children introduce jobs, it is easy to be thankless;
Don't encourage the other party to make large investment decisions, it's easy to become a stranger.
This is not indifference, but the necessary survival wisdom.
As Li Ka-shing said, "Grasp your own boundaries and don't change them, and you will gain greater freedom." ”
I hope that you and I can cherish the relatives around us, and also know how to maintain boundaries, do not cross the line, do not exceed the rules, so that the relationship can be longer.
Author: Zhelin, taking words as a forest, planting wisdom and insight.