Sayings：
Today's topic is domestic violence. Discuss the reasons for it, directly and it is necessary to:
Starting a family wasn't meant to be a woman's adventure.
According to a 2016 survey by the All-China Women's Federation, 30 percent of married women in China's 270 million households have experienced domestic violence, with an average of one woman being beaten by her husband every 7.4 seconds.
Here's a staggering figure: In China, the average victim has to experience 35 instances of domestic violence before reporting it to the police.
We did an exclusive interview with Li Meijin, an expert in criminal psychology. She is probably one of the most vocal scholars on the topic.
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We want to ask: Why do intimate partners hurt?
We also have to ask: Why does a family member hurt another family member? Why do intimate relationships turn into abusive relationships? Why do victims become killers?
And most importantly, how – what we can do.
The first step in stopping violence is for no one to stand idly by.
The following is what Professor Li Meijin said.
I'm Li Meijin. Everyone may be familiar with me, because there are more parenting videos, so I have become an Internet celebrity.
But my job is to study the criminal mind. There are many different types of crimes involved in the criminal mind, and domestic violence is also involved in crime.
I started this research in 2001. At that time, the United Nations asked us to respond in this regard, and the public security, procuratorate, courts, and judicial departments in China jointly organized a training course, and each ministry sent a professional staff, and the public security system entrusted me with this task.
At first, I was also new to domestic violence. Later, it was discovered that it involved a dark corner of society, and many women who had been subjected to violence had been living in fear for a long time, but for various reasons they could not get help from society. Because many people in society also have the same view as I did at the beginning, this kind of thing is not a big deal.
Later, I went to a prison in the south to do a case interview, where many older rural women were imprisoned who had killed their husbands.
They tend to be financially dependent on men, who do rough work and have a simpler temperament, often beating women when they come back when they are unhappy.
They had been suffering from the family for a long time, so after they had finally cried, they plucked some poisonous weeds from the field and put them in the vegetables when they were cooking, and the husband died as soon as he ate them, resulting in many such female criminals in the prisons in that area.
When you see this kind of case, you understand that they didn't have anyone to help them when they were victimized, so they ended up with this outcome.
When criminology has reached a certain level, a victimology has emerged. There are many perpetrators, she is actually the victim first, but her victim is ignored by society and has not received any help, resulting in her finally solving the problem in her own way.
I once took graduate students to a women's prison for interviews, and each of those female offenders had a history of blood and tears.
One of the girls, when she was in school, was pursued by a well-known big brother in the local society, and she was very touched by flowers and gifts, and she was very face-saving in front of everyone, so she agreed to his marriage proposal. As a result, after getting married and giving birth to a daughter, this eldest brother quit, "How can a person like me give birth to a daughter, so I want to strangle her to death, I want to give birth to a son." ”
The woman desperately protected the child, chasing from room to room, room to room, and room to room. In desperation, she killed her husband.
Violence is often premeditated. And the murdered women have almost no way to live, so they can only do this.
The picture is from Youku White Night Theater "Faint Fire"
There is also a university professor, and the object is also a university teacher, both of whom are intellectuals and polite in the eyes of outsiders, but in the family, this man is very violent, and every time he hits someone, he hits people where they can't see. Women have been angry with men for many years, until one day, she broke out and hacked the man to death with a knife.
When we look at these cases, you get the sense that they are not getting any help in that painful context, so they kill their husbands or sexual partners who are causing her pain in a very tragic way. These people are not supposed to be criminals.
So sometimes I wonder how we can find these people who are living in dire straits, especially women.
I've seen a lot of women who have been killed by men because she hasn't told anyone, and suddenly one day she was killed, and we found out that she had been being violently assaulted by her husband.
Therefore, when we study the problem of crime, we should not only pay attention to the crimes of those people with bad character and personality disorders, but also pay attention to the situation of people who are very good in nature and eventually become criminals.
The perpetrators are not only men, but also parents and women. In most cases, men are more violent against women.
In my research in Canada, I found that a significant percentage of female victims are killed by sexual partners, romantic relationships, marital relationships, or extramarital affairs, almost 60% of them.
Domestic violence exists in any country. In the nineties, including the zeros, a female doctor in the United Kingdom was persecuted by her sexual partner for a long time, she fled, and in the process of escaping, she called the police many times, and was finally killed, so her mother was the first to sue the police for inaction.
In the past, women went to the judge and said that he beat me and that I was going to divorce him. Then the judge called her husband and said, "Come home and kiss your wife."
This is also the case in China, where it is believed that domestic violence can be common in areas with low levels of education, low levels of education, and poor levels. In fact, domestic violence is actually regardless of background, and is not closely and directly related to the economy and knowledge. There will be intellectuals, wealthy families, dormitories in factories, buildings in cities, and villages.
Domestic violence has several characteristics, it is private, frequent, and hidden.
The victim and the perpetrator are in the same private space, they have to contact every day, and conflicts occur in daily life, so violence occurs frequently, but it is difficult to get rid of it.
The psychological motivations of the perpetrator are complex.
One is a kind of madness that he can't contain, but after the fact, he may kneel down and beg for peace, saying all the good things and showing the gentleness. The perpetrator of this type of abuser generally has a violent personality and may have some genetic background problems.
In the second case, he grew up in a violent environment, and was influenced by his parents since he was a child, that is, men beat women. Or in their area, including villages, streets, maybe your house and mine, you hear men yelling and women crying every day. People who grew up in this kind of background will think that wife beating is a matter of course.
In the third case, violence arises because of family disputes, such as the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and the man will beat her and teach her a lesson. This also involves the handling of family relationships, he usually has a more irritable temperament, such as being angry at work, at this time, if his wife hurts him or flattens him again, he will explode. Disrespect to in-laws, or mishandling of the family, as well as more vicious language, can provoke their anger.
In addition, there are some who are psychologically perverted and take pleasure in violence.
There is another characteristic of domestic violence, as long as there is a first time, there will be a second time. Except for accidental or special reasons.
If he is in a hurry to speak, he will do it, which is often a habit, and it has become a typical type of motivation for him.
Alcohol can lead to an increase in violence.
We often have a saying that drunken people are immoral. Alcohol has a certain effect on the nerves, and alcohol does have a promoting effect on human violence.
When I went to a province in southwest China and had dinner with the comrades of the Women's Federation, they asked me most about not children's education, but what women should do when they encounter violence. Then I said leave. She said no, these women don't have their own financial means, and they all rely on their husbands.
So I also gave them some ideas, and I said that since they can't leave, women should be on guard. For example, if you know that he is out drinking, you can prepare sleeping pills for him at home. As soon as you enter the door, you can avoid this kind of violence by first serving him a cup of tea, then serving him what he likes to drink, putting some sleeping pills in it, and then letting him fall asleep quickly after drinking. Otherwise, you have no other way.
But again, sometimes, once a family is a family, divorce is not the best policy, so women should also have some wise methods.
I even joke with them sometimes, I say you can hide a stick, and when he is going to rush at you, you can't hit him in the upper body, you hit him in the bone. Why? Because we know that it hurts to get a stick on the front bone of the leg, don't hurt him, just let him hurt, and then let him kneel to the ground, and then he won't be able to beat you, right?
Of course, these are some of the things that may be "crooked", but they are also a way to solve the problem of some women to protect themselves when they encounter violence.
It is mainly aimed at areas like the mountains. You said that she was in this village, and she couldn't leave wherever she went. Then she was beaten every day, and she was really in pain, especially when the man came back from drinking, he would definitely beat her.
I once met a man who was drunk and often babbled gibberish and showed some gaffes. Later, he was so concerned that he quit drinking. Knowing that he had this weakness, he quit drinking. I think if Chinese men can do that, I salute you.
I have talked about some topics of marriage and love before, to examine a person, the most important thing is to examine his family environment, his growth background.
For example, what is the relationship between his parents like? If his parents are very loving and quiet, and the family is full of humor and joy, then there will be no violence in this kind of family.
But if the mother is particularly irritable in his family, or the father is also very irritable, then you should examine him more.
When you are in contact with a person, don't rush the two of them to be together, try to keep the observation time as long, time is a very important touchstone to test human nature and human heart.
Try not to live together before marriage, and don't get pregnant easily without really getting to know a person.
If you meet someone who is violent, it will be difficult and fraught with risks if you want to break up. It's a habit for him to just do it, and we call it a mental style. Sometimes this man is violent to this woman, and he changes another woman and he doesn't be violent. I think it may also have something to do with the discord between the two sides.
Women should really get to know a person before they get married. You can see it by his reaction to a lot of irritating events, such as his reaction when a puppy rushes over on the road, or how a child hits him, his reaction. If someone inadvertently collides with him, including driving, you can tell the person's temperament.
The other thing is that he has no education. I think there are many people now, and their development process is too fast, for example, they used to grow up in a society of acquaintances, and the so-called acquaintance society is like a village and a street, and in this context, everyone is more familiar with each other, and it is easier to restrain each other.
Then all of a sudden, we entered the big city, we lived in the same building, but we didn't know each other, "chickens and dogs smell each other, and we don't get along with each other". In this case, the mutual restraint is weakened.
So some people were relatively concerned about face in front of acquaintances in the early years, and when he entered the city, he felt that it didn't matter, so he let go, so he would behave uneducated.
Coupled with the fact that the buildings in the city are independent and cannot supervise and take care of each other, he will appear impulsive, willful, and reckless.
If your partner expresses herself in a more violent way, it may not be for you at first, but for the object, and you should pay more attention to it.
To make women feel safe, I don't think you can count on the environment because society is like a jungle.
I remember a flight attendant who got off a plane for a wedding, took a taxi overnight, and was killed by the driver. At that time, many people said, what kind of society is this? I said that this has nothing to do with society, because society cannot be completely dead-end.
There are good people and there are bad people, and bad people don't write on their heads and say I'm a bad person. You are responsible for yourself.
First, you need to know more about the risk factors, such as what kind of time to travel and what kind of background it is risky.
For example, if everyone gets drunk at a class reunion, there is a risk at this time. Because someone might pounce on them. When I was in college, my father told me that you should never get drunk when you drink outside. If someone pours you wine, it's definitely bad intentions. I remember very clearly, whoever wanted to pour me wine, I said, do you mean something else? And then make the other party very embarrassed. I don't care, because I'm going to embarrass you and ask you not to force me to drink like this.
This self-protection also involves knowledge. Of course, there are also some people who are stupid, very smooth, and very happy. But I'm telling you that's luck. What kind of people do you meet, how do you go about the relationship, and then how do you think about yourself as a later step.
Although you can call the police, but to be honest, far water can't save near thirst. When you're in a particularly critical situation, you count on help, and that's often a stroke of luck.
I recently watched a play "Faint Fire" by Youku White Night Theater. In the face of social violence from acquaintances, the heroine Nanya is a typical representative of a victim.
There is a word in our social psychology called social support, which includes parents, family, economic background, as well as her relatives, siblings, that is, even if she has an older brother, a sister, and a younger sister, both of them may be able to take care of each other.
And her upbringing background is very lacking in social support. We know that the first source of strength for a person to come into this world is her parents, and she lost her mother very early.
Second, her father was not very capable, so he also relied on women, and in the end he found a stepwife early. The wife's character is not too good, and she brought a son who was not properly disciplined.
So she was in such a state of isolation and helplessness, and there were hardly too many people to help her. Even when she was pregnant, she was subjected to violence, and her husband used the child to hold her.
If someone else helps her, it will be rumored immediately. Including when she takes her child to the doctor, people will associate her with the doctor in some way.
In the face of violence, film and television dramas may be a way to let more people know how to deal with it with a lower threshold and more universal. Let the injured no longer be silent, but be seen by more people.
The picture is from Youku White Night Theater "Faint Fire"
How could she get help if she had to do it all over again? Actually, there are a lot of links here.
The first is the school teacher, who should understand the situation of each child, especially some special children. Why? Your home visits, your attention to your child, the situation where you find out that she is not coming to class, you have to go to the house to see her.
Besides, her classmates. In the play, she has a very kind friend and neighbor by her side, who helped her very early.
Again, after being beaten, she should go to the hospital to leave a certificate of diagnosis.
We must understand that once we enter the judiciary, the law is a relatively powerful protection, but this protection must be evidenced. You must have this awareness to look for evidence, including eyewitnesses, police records, and medical records. If you come up with evidence, the public security will deal with it to a certain extent.
During this time, she escaped once, but was captured. Now, the way to escape is not as good as calling the police. Because once the police are convicted, they have a problem of protecting the victim, and many countries require the police to return to the police twice within 72 hours.
There is now a growing effort to combat domestic violence. The country's focus on domestic violence began at the beginning of the 21st century, with four ministries running training courses coordinated by the All-China Women's Federation. At that time, I was the only one at the Public Security University, and I was tantamount to receiving the task at that time, and later at least five or six professors from our university carried out research in this area.
Most importantly, with regard to domestic violence, there are now provisions in the legislation, and the police have made it very clear that when domestic violence is reported to the police, the police must be dispatched and the police must arrive in time. In these respects, police intervention is still very powerful. Because men also know that it is not worth being locked up for a few years for beating their wives, especially when it comes to criminal punishment. Now many places have this habeas corpus for women, there is a limit to the contact time of the two of them, a cooling-off period.
When more and more people think that domestic violence cannot be tolerated, a change for the good happens.
Editor: zz
Internship: Chen Enxi
"We understand your silence
Too vague calls
But endure the pain
It's not your obligation as a family member."