In the third month of pregnancy, Liu Yun and her alcoholic husband divorced by agreement. Half a year later, Liu Yun gave birth to a boy, with his mother's surname, and his ex-husband refused to pay any child support. The child's birth certificate and household registration book do not have the existence of a "father".
Ding Lan, the mother of the "post-95s", divorced through a lawsuit in the first trimester. Before and after marriage, the husband completely became two people, not only indifferent to his wife, but also did not even accompany Ding Lan to a prenatal checkup. After the two divorced, her ex-husband asked her to return 30,000 yuan of "three money" and leave 20,000 yuan to kill the child in her belly.
During pregnancy, they found that they were married to a non-human, and they did not choose to endure it, and resolutely decided to become mothers alone. Behind them is a much larger group of single mothers. According to the statistics of the Ministry of Civil Affairs in 2021, the number of single mothers in China has exceeded 30 million, and in divorced families, on average, only 1 in 6 fathers choose to raise their children, that is, 83% of divorced families are raised by mothers.
But unlike ordinary single mothers, they who divorce during pregnancy bear the grief of losing love and the responsibility of becoming new mothers at the same time.
Stills from "Waterfall".
They feel guilty about children who are born without a father, but "it is better to have no father than a bad father" is their consensus. And the family behind them, especially their own mother, has become the most solid backing for them to dare to make this decision.
When they become mothers, they also have power, and the cliché "motherhood is just" is fulfilled in them. But perhaps more importantly, this energy that grows in their own bodies makes them stronger. They have the courage to enrich and flourish themselves.
Marriages that cannot be continued
The last straw of marriage came on a rainy night when Ding Lan was pregnant.
At that time, Ding Lan worked overtime in the company until late, the rainstorm was like a note, and the mobile phone was not available. Ding Lan's mother was very worried about her, so in order to contact her daughter, she called her son-in-law. Ding Lan's husband was playing games at his grandmother's house at the time, and after receiving the call, not only did he not express any concern, but also did not try to contact Ding Lan.
At that time, Ding Lan was more than three months pregnant, with severe morning sickness, and was hospitalized for a period of time. As soon as she was discharged from the hospital, she went back to work.
That night, it was already 22 o'clock when Ding Lan returned home. She had no intention of eating, so she lay on the bed alone, suddenly felt aggrieved, and kept shedding tears. After hearing her mother call and arguing with her mother-in-law, Ding Lan picked up her mobile phone and sent a WeChat message to her husband: "Let's divorce." ”
Come on! Mom" stills
This kind of repression is not a day to break the embankment, but after marriage, it is built up over time.
Ding Lan and her ex-husband got married after a year and a half. Soon after getting married, Ding Lan found that the perfume he bought for himself and the diamond ring he gave him for marriage were all fake.
Her husband stopped working, and often reached out to Ding Lan to ask for money under the pretext of starting a business. But he doesn't really have any specific ideas, and his favorite thing to do is to play games at home.
Since Ding Lan was pregnant, her husband has been indifferent to the child in her womb. Ding Lan had a prenatal checkup, he didn't accompany him once, and he didn't pay a penny for the prenatal checkup.
Stills from "Lily".
And most of the conflicts that broke out between the two, Ding Lan felt that it was provoked by his mother-in-law. After the couple quarreled, the mother-in-law said to Ding Lan in a fit of anger: "It's a big deal, just leave." Dan Ding Lan could feel from the tone and meaning of her mother-in-law that the other party wanted to use the child to "pinch" her, "She decided that I would not dare to leave because of the child."
For a while, her husband and mother-in-law tried their best to get rid of the child, and they didn't want to take on child support and parenting obligations in the future. "If you don't want children, just kill them, anyway, the right to give birth is yours." The husband said that he even planned to spend 20,000 yuan and asked, "Is it enough to kill the child?" ”
Ding Lan's heart was completely cold, "He (ex-husband) has no feelings for this child."
After a few years of getting along, she felt that he was a child who would never grow up. It's better to leave now than to wait for the child to be born. Ding Lan thought clearly, "Otherwise, I will not only have to take care of the child, but also take care of him (husband)".
Stills from "Lily".
The irresponsibility of the husband, and even the character problem, are the reasons why these pregnant mothers are ruthless in their determination to divorce.
Liu Yun, the mother of the "post-80s", is more resolute than Ding Lan. In December 2023, after divorcing during pregnancy and giving birth to a child, she directly did not fill in the information in the "father" column on the birth certificate, and later registered the household, but only "mother" and no "father".
After seeing her husband's true face during pregnancy, Liu Yun felt that the man was not worthy of being the father of the child.
The divorce happened six months ago. At that time, Liu Yun, who was 3 months pregnant, was often flatulent, and she hoped that her husband could accompany her more at home, but he kept running away. One day, her husband insisted on going out to play ball, and in the middle of the night, Liu Yun went out to look for him, and sure enough, she found him at the wine table.
Stills from "Alcoholics".
The husband's alcoholism began during the relationship. Every time, after the two had a conflict because of drinking, her husband would apologize to Liu Yun with an extremely sincere attitude, assuring that "there will be no next time". The relationship between the two for six or seven years, coupled with the persuasion of their parents, Liu Yun chose to forgive again and again.
After marriage, her husband's alcoholism intensified. Once, Liu Yun went on a business trip and received a call from the police station in the middle of the night, saying that her husband kicked other people's doors when he was drunk and slept in front of people's houses. Another time, my husband drank until 3 o'clock in the middle of the night, stayed for less than an hour after returning home, went out to drink again at 4 o'clock, and pressed the elevator button, and needed compensation. Even when Liu Yun was sick, he had to run out to drink with his friends.
After a series of incidents, her husband not only did not recognize his problem, but blamed Liu Yun for causing him to lose face in front of his friends. The two had a big quarrel, and her husband dragged Liu Yun to the ground with her stomach down.
Fortunately, the child is fine, Liu Yun feels that this is a signal that the baby firmly chooses her.
Stills from "Alcoholics".
is about to become a mother, Liu Yun's considerations have become cautious, she doesn't want such a person to be the father of her children. "If he is a regular alcoholic, it is not a good thing for the child to grow up in such a situation."
After the two decided to divorce, the husband showed a dispensable attitude towards the child in his wife's womb: "Whatever you want, don't do it, you can do it." Liu Yun's child was conceived in a test tube, but when they quarreled, her husband completely absolved the responsibility: "The test tube is (because) you can't conceive it yourself, what does it matter to me?" ”
"I advise you to leave quickly"
Liu Yun and her husband returned to the familiar Civil Affairs Bureau to get a divorce certificate. In the mediation room, the mediator privately advised Liu Yun alone: "The law protects women during pregnancy." But Liu Yun was already disheartened.
Article 34 of the current Marriage Law stipulates that "the man shall not file for divorce during the woman's pregnancy, within one year after childbirth, or within six months after the termination of pregnancy." This restriction does not apply if the woman files for divorce, or where the people's court deems it truly necessary to accept the husband's request for divorce. ”
However, the staff of the Civil Affairs Bureau also pointed out that Liu Yun's "husband and his family have no right to visit for life" written in the agreement were not compliant, even if she did not want any child support. In the end, Liu Yun wrote "termination of pregnancy" on the agreement. This means that in this marriage between the two, this child does not exist, and legally, Liu Yun belongs to single birth.
The day after the quarrel, Ding Lan and her husband also went to the Civil Affairs Bureau. Before leaving, her husband also asked Ding Lan to refund the "three gold" fees of 30,000 yuan. If he doesn't return, he will sue Ding Lan for cheating on marriage and money. In the end, Ding Lan returned him about 10,000 yuan for household appliances. But then the lawyer told her that she didn't need to return a penny.
Stills from "The Child".
In the Civil Affairs Bureau, the mediator witnessed the whole process of Ding Lan's ex-husband asking her for money, and after learning the general situation, she told Ding Lan: "We generally persuade and do not persuade to leave, but in your case, I advise you to leave quickly." The mediator also turned to Ding Lan's husband and said unreasonably: "The girl is pregnant with your child, and she doesn't want your child support, and you still turn around and ask her for money?" ”
However, because the money was not clear in the end, the husband suddenly did not agree to the divorce. The two had to go through the proceedings.
At the first hearing, the judge did not divorce on the grounds that the relationship had broken down. According to local regulations, the second prosecution will not be filed until six months later, that is, in May 2024.
Before that, Ding Lan's child had been born, a boy. The smooth delivery went smoothly and did not make Ding Lan suffer too much. She then felt that it was this baby who "firmly chose me", and for the sake of the child, she decided to fight to the end.
Before the second trial, Ding Lan had not issued a birth certificate for the child, but the lawyer reminded her that without a birth certificate, custody could not be decided. Ding Lan had no choice but to add the column of "father", according to the law, the custody of the child before the age of two is awarded to the mother, there is no doubt about this.
Stills from "Priceless Treasure".
On the day the birth certificate was registered, the lawyer called Ding Lan's husband to the hospital, and when he wrote his surname, he wanted to stop Ding Lan from filling in her surname for the child. Ding Lan thought it was ridiculous, "He didn't even want this child to be born at first, but now he wants the child to have his surname."
What really made Ding Lan completely dead was that the lawyer counted the expenses of the children with her husband in person. A can of milk powder costs at least 500 yuan, and after hearing this, the husband immediately asked: "Why do you want to eat 500 yuan of milk powder?" Ding Lan was angry, "Does he want his son to eat 50 yuan a can of milk powder?" ”
After the divorce, the ex-husband doesn't want to give a penny of child support. In order to evade the obligation of legal support, he even said to Ding Lan's lawyer: "Whether it is mine or not, I will only know when I am born." ”
The lawyer advised Ding Lan to fight for child support, after all, it was her legitimate legal interest. Ding Lan originally only planned to ask her ex-husband for 1,000 yuan/month, but the lawyer couldn't cry or laugh, "What is enough?" Later, she gritted her teeth and only mentioned 1500, because she knew that he couldn't give more.
Stills from "Divorce Lawyer Shen Shenghan".
Wang Youbai, director of Guangdong Jinfang Law Firm and a marriage and family lawyer, told Nanfeng Window: "After a couple divorces during pregnancy, the woman has the right to choose pregnancy or terminate pregnancy. If the husband is unwilling to pay alimony, the woman can sue in court (for alimony). If the man insists on refusing, the court can force the judgment, but the child is generally not able to make a judgment when the child is not born, and can only wait until the child is born, and the woman can go to the court to sue in the name of the child to claim child support. ”
Ding Lan also had mixed feelings in her heart, and she found that she never thought of giving up her children from the beginning. "Maybe I'm really selfish, maybe he doesn't want to come into this world, but I don't want to take away his life." It's instinct to be a mother.
Be a mother alone
But there is a price to be paid for becoming a mother.
Ding Lan, who is a "post-95" generation, is only 25 years old now, and her friends are worried about her: she is still so young, will she meet a more suitable person in the future?
Mom originally persuaded Ding Lan not to have children, but after thinking about it, Ding Lan still decided to keep the child, "The child is all I have."
After deciding to divorce, Liu Yun also thought about killing the child for the first time, after all, the child was born without a father. Many friends also persuaded her to kill the child, worrying for her about her future, whether she would meet the next person in the future? Liu Yun was noncommittal, "Find a younger brother to take care of as a son or find an uncle to serve?" "She was disillusioned with her marriage.
Stills from "Xiaowei".
But she quickly considered that she was 36 years old, and if she didn't keep this baby, she might not have another baby in the future.
In order to get pregnant, she tried artificial insemination at that time, and she hit it once, "I think this child is destined for me." And what made Liu Yun decide to keep her children and become a single mother was more of the courage that came from reality.
What provides confidence and support to Liu Yun is the family behind her, especially her mother, who stands firmly by her side from beginning to end.
Liu Yun's family conditions are better than her ex-husband's, and after marriage, the car and the two houses in the city were all prepared by her family. Even the 50,000 yuan for the test tube was paid by Liu Yun herself. Her only request to her husband is that "he can be good to the family".
Stills from "Imperfect Her".
Unexpectedly, her family conditions later became a thorn in her husband's heart, "He always felt that my family looked down on him." But after all, there have been 7 years of relationship, and during the time when she just divorced, Liu Yun was in a state of physical and mental collapse, and she washed her face with tears all day long. But gradually, she found that since her husband moved away, her mood has become more and more stable, "no longer have to sleep in the middle of the night to ask him where he is, no longer have to make a phone call that no one answers, and no longer have to scold like a shrew, a resentful woman."
In October 2023, Liu Yun gave birth to a boy. While lying in the hospital waiting for a cesarean section, she sent a message to her ex-husband informing him of the floor of the operating room. The ex-husband didn't return, and the person didn't show up. But he asked a friend to tell Liu Yun that he was here, "saying that he had no face to see me". In the end, after the child was born, Liu Yun still didn't see him.
Lying on the delivery bed, after hearing the child's first cry, Liu Yun also cried uncontrollably. I don't know what's going on, she feels an indescribable excitement, "Mother's love is innate", she thought, probably like this.
Liu Yun did not fill in her father's information on the birth certificate, and when she registered her household registration, she wrote "born out of wedlock". This means that the child has no father since he came into this world. The ex-husband does not need to provide child support, and of course, does not have any rights of the father, including visitation rights, the right to have a paternity test, and so on.
During pregnancy, when Liu Yun went to the hospital alone to do fetal monitoring, the nurse asked her, why didn't her father come? At that time, Liu Yun said decisively: Dead.
"Motherhood is rigidity"
Children are born without fathers, what will happen in the future?
The so-called "leaving the father and leaving the son" in the current popular context sounds like a cool article, representing an independent choice with both courage and reason, but the other side of the "cool feeling" is that mothers cannot avoid worrying about the "future". But they are still determined to be "mothers", which is a lifelong career of their own choosing.
Wang Youbai reminded: "Mainland law does not discriminate against children growing up with single parents, and children of single parents have the same rights as children of both parents. ”
Even with the help of her parents, becoming a first-time mother does pose some challenges for Liu Yun. In the first 3 months of the child's birth, she often needs to wake up in the middle of the night to breastfeed, especially when the child is bloated and often crying, no matter how coaxed. Liu Yun would also quarrel with her mother over the way to wear diapers and pacifiers, and after the quarrel, both mother and daughter cried. Her mother blamed her for not understanding her kindness, but Liu Yun would hide and cry alone because of fatigue.
Stills from "I Passed Through the Storm".
Fortunately, the baby is sensible very quickly, and after three months, he can fall asleep without crying or making trouble, which is coordinated with Liu Yun's schedule.
Ding Lan also felt that he had given birth to an angel baby, "not crying or making trouble, especially easy to coax". Also because of her mother's help, Ding Lan almost never had anxiety about parenting, no husband adding fuel to the fire, and no conflicting mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship dilemma, "My friends around me (who have given birth) envy me."
Nowadays, Ding Lan does not need to sit at work every day, most of the time, she can work from home, and has also developed side jobs such as self-media. She will provide the best for her children within her own financial means, even if it will necessarily come at the expense of her own life. For a 2,000 yuan stroller, she placed an order without blinking an eye, but on herself, now she is reluctant to buy clothes for 29.9 yuan.
One night, Ding Lan saw a girlfriend in the circle of friends who posted his newborn daughter and a Fuji camera, saying that the camera was bought by the child's father for his daughter.
Stills from "I Passed Through the Storm".
Ding Lan suddenly collapsed, she originally planned to buy a Fujifilm camera to record the growth of her child, but the cost of more than 10,000 yuan made her hesitate for a long time. "Other people's fathers buy this and that for their children, where is my child's father?" This occasional sudden surge of emotion left her with nowhere to escape.
More than three months after the birth of her son, Ding Lan kept imagining a scenario that might happen in the future: her son asked her, where is his father? Ding Lan would ask him first: "Do you love your mother?" The son definitely replied with love, and Ding Lan would say again: "My mother loved my father very much, but then my mother didn't like my father, and we separated." ”
Of course, this scenario can only be used as a temporary explanation, and it does not really solve the problems that children may encounter when they grow up because of single parents. Both Ding Lan and Liu Yun believe that the only way is to have enough economic strength and love.
Liu Yun, who works for a foreign trade company, has assessed her savings and assets, "as long as I am not unemployed, I can support my children." Today, when Liu Yun opens her eyes every day, there is still a mortgage of 8,000 yuan hanging above her head, the necessary expenses of three or four thousand yuan per month for the child, and more than 10,000 yuan for car maintenance and food. She couldn't slack off for a moment. In addition to her main business, she also worked two part-time jobs, both at home, with a combined annual income of about 400,000 yuan. What's more, her parents will always be her support. Her mother often told her that she would always accompany her and raise her children together, and she always wanted to pay for her daughter by herself, but Liu Yun didn't ask for it.
Stills from "Spring Tide".
Liu Yun wanted to say to the child: "I hope you don't selfishly blame your mother for giving birth to you and making you a baby without a father." But Mom will do her best to give you the most love, and you also have the love of your grandparents, and Mom hopes that you will not feel inferior because of this. ”
She thought about it a long time later. If the child's father finds it back in the future, she will not prevent her son from recognizing him. "He has his own judgment, he has his own rights, and I don't want him to grow up living in hatred."
What if you don't have a father?
The financial and support within the family can provide the spiritual and emotional backing for a single mother, but the external support of the whole society is the environmental support that they can really rely on.
Zhang Meng, a Shanghai mother who is known by the media as "the first party to apply for maternity insurance for unmarried", has been raising her son alone for 7 years. Two years ago, we interviewed her on the topic of "fighting for the rights of single children", at that time, she was a woman who fought alone, and she played a leading role for many women like her who were let down by love and did not choose to get married.
In 2017, Zhang Meng gave birth to a child after being broken up by her boyfriend during pregnancy, but when she applied for maternity benefits, she was rejected by a sub-district office in Shanghai on the grounds of "no marriage certificate". "Maternity pension" is a social insurance designed to protect a woman's income during maternity leave, including maternity allowance and maternity medical treatment.
In the next 4 years, Zhang Meng successively filed legal proceedings against the sub-district office, the district government, the social security management center and other institutions, and went through administrative reconsideration, administrative litigation, application for retrial, and protests, until the policy change in December 2020, when the Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau announced for the first time that the "family planning review matters" were withdrawn from the acceptance list of the community affairs acceptance service center, and Zhang Meng finally waited for himself to fight for the first birth subsidy.
The Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau announced for the first time that the "family planning review items" were withdrawn from the acceptance list of the Community Affairs Acceptance Service Center/Source: Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau
Today, Zhang Meng's son Xinxin is almost seven years old. In order to gain more flexible time to take care of the children, Zhang Meng changed to a job as an insurance agent, sending the children to school first every day and leaving work early in the afternoon. Of course, after putting children first, there will inevitably be sacrifices in work, and for sales, Zhang Meng's performance will be reduced by half compared to before if he does not work at night and on weekends.
But because of taking care of children, she put down a lot of entertainment, and also reduced the purchase of clothes and cosmetics, which reduced some expenses in disguise.
"The child's requirements themselves are not high, and a small sand pit at the door can play for half a day." Zhang Meng thinks, "If you don't follow the papers, the cost of education is actually not high." She doesn't know if her child will be affected by the environment when she enters middle school and join the "chicken baby" team, but at least at this stage, she feels that the child's task is not to achieve results.
His family in the same city provided Zhang Meng with support to deal with risks. When she is too busy, her parents, brother, and relatives who live nearby can help with her.
Stills from "Imperfect Her".
Shin Shin is not a very worry-free child. He is very active and has trouble concentrating after school. When she was 0-2 years old, Zhang Meng asked her aunt for help, and even her aunt said that her son was relatively difficult to bring among the boys she met. When Zhang Meng was interviewed by Nanfeng Window by phone, every few minutes, Xinxin would come out of the room and call "Mom".
A mother of a six-year-old child certainly has moments of breakdown. Xinxin writes homework, and Zhang Meng has to stare at it every day, sometimes only writing two lines in two hours. Zhang Meng had to lose her temper, and the child would apologize to her after crying, and would comfort her mother in turn.
For the role of "Dad", Shin Shin currently does not have an obvious sense of emotional vulnerability. After studying, he began to get along with his peers and found that other children had fathers, but he didn't. But Xinxin didn't think it was his weakness, but felt that it was a secret of his own, and when he met a new child, he took the initiative to say, "I have a secret, I don't have a father." If other children don't believe it, he will shout at Zhang Meng: "Mom, come and help me prove it." Zhang Meng couldn't cry or laugh.
"The most important thing is to be happy, if a family is formally complete, but the child is unhappy, it is in vain." Zhang Meng believes that in a family, it is more important to have sufficient love than formal parents.
Stills from "Xiaowei".
She is more open-minded about her concerns that "boys must have a father as a role model": "The basic quality of people will not change because of the change of gender, women can also be strong and brave, and there is no shortage of male elders in our family, there are grandfathers, older brothers, and uncles, I don't think he will necessarily lack the role model of fathers." She appreciates her son's kindness and thoughtfulness more than gender.
Every night, Zhang Meng has to coax his son to sleep. At 12:30 p.m., when she finally put the child to sleep and finished her business, she remembered to reply to the question I had sent - "In the past seven years, has the child's father tried to contact you?" ”
"The child doesn't have a father," she said. ”
(Except for Wang Youbai, the interviewees in the article are pseudonyms)
This article was first published in the 10th issue of Nanfeng Window magazine
Author | Yongzhou
Editor-in-Chief on Duty | Zhao Jinghan
Edit | Wu Qing
Typography | promise