Text: Marriage counselor Liu Jie
Some people say that marriage is a besieged city, and those on the outside want to go in, and those on the inside want to come out.
Married for 20 years, I know this very well.
Before we got married, we had too many beautiful visions of marriage. But after getting married, I found out that marriage is never so simple, as long as you love each other.
Many times, a really good marriage is not two people who are tired of being together all day long, but "each has its own way".
It's not indifference, it's a more mature way of getting along, giving each other space and giving yourself freedom.
01
"To each his own" is actually respect for each other.
Marriage is not simply 1+1=2, but the union of two independent individuals.
Everyone has their own interests and hobbies, as well as their own circle of friends and lifestyle.
In marriage, "each to his own" is actually a respect for the independence of two people.
It's like my lover and I have our own work and life circles. I love reading and writing, and he loves fishing and good food.
On weekends, I would immerse myself in my books while he carried his fishing rod and felt the beauty of nature.
We each enjoy our own time, not interfering with each other, but knowing that we are close to each other, which is a tacit understanding and a kind of trust.
Mr. Yang Jiang once said: "The most important thing between husband and wife is the relationship between friends. ”
We respect each other and get along like friends, giving each other enough freedom and space, which in turn makes our marriage stronger.
02
"To each his own" can reduce many unnecessary contradictions and conflicts.
In married life, many contradictions and conflicts are actually dissatisfaction with each other's living habits and behaviors.
Conflict arises when two people want to change each other to fit their lifestyle.
The "each to each other" lifestyle has taught us to accept and tolerate.
I don't get mad at him for staying up late to watch a football game, and he doesn't complain about getting up early to write.
We each kept our own habits, but we also learned to understand and support each other's choices.
The marriage of Mr. Qian Zhongshu and Mr. Yang Jiang is a good example.
They each have their own academic pursuits and lifestyles, but they support each other and have lived a happy life.
As Mr. Yang Jiang said, "The three of us (including their daughter) are like a small boat, drifting in the ocean of life, but always clinging to each other. ”
03
"To each his own" helps to keep the marriage fresh.
Husbands and wives get along for a long time, and it is easy for the marriage to fall into a dull and boring state.
A "each to each other" lifestyle often helps us to keep growing and inject vitality and freshness into our marriage.
As I wrote, I continued to learn and grow, and he went further and further on the fishing journey.
Whenever we share something new or fun with each other, we surprise each other.
This self-growth and integration with each other keeps our marriage fresh throughout.
04
"To each his own" needs to be built on trust and communication.
Of course, "each in his own way" does not mean laissez-faire, but rather on deep trust and effective communication.
For example, we will sit down from time to time to chat and share each other's life insights, and this kind of in-depth communication brings our hearts closer.
And we trust each other very much.
Sometimes, he would go fishing with his friends and not come home for several days, or I would find a place to "retreat" for a while because of my writing.
Even if we don't have a moment together, we don't have suspicion and suspicion of each other.
Not for anything else, just because I knew what he was doing, and he would support my preferences, we both gave each other the most basic trust.
It is because of this trust that there will be no misunderstanding between us because of these small things, and there will be no rift in the marriage because of these.
05
"To each of them is to go their own way", in the end, in order to better "be together".
"To each his own" is not an end in itself, but a way of managing marriage.
In this way, we learn to better understand and support each other, while also keeping our own lives, doing what we want to do, and living the lives we want.
When we are "together" again, there will be a different kind of freshness, which will make the marriage more flavorful.
After 20 years of marriage, I have understood the true meaning of "each to his own".
It was never cold and distant, but a more mature way of getting along. It makes our marriage better and it also makes us cherish each other's existence more.
It is only when we truly understand and relate to each other in this way that we can appreciate the beauty of it.
Leo Tolstoy once said, "Happy families are all alike, and unhappy families have their own misfortunes." ”
I hope we can all find our own way of happy marriage in different ways.