My friend and I talked about the fact that her son didn't like to study since he was a child, and his self-discipline was very poor, which made her worry for a long time.
She can only talk in front of her son every day:
"If you don't study hard now, you won't be able to get into a good middle school in the future, if you can't get into a good middle school, you won't be able to go to a good university, you won't be able to go to a good university, you won't be able to find a good job......"
I originally hoped that my son could understand the bitter heart of the old mother, and suddenly opened his mind.
But every time it comes to the end, it ends with her hatred of iron and tears of her son.
Until one day, the son suddenly said:
"Mom, I've had two breakthroughs lately. It was the first time I had performed on stage by myself, and for the first time, I had finished my homework in an hour. ”
She said that at that moment, it was as if something had struck her heart.
Since then, she no longer just pinched on what her son was not doing well and looked at it with a magnifying glass, but tried to find out more about what her son did well.
When she changed the way she looked at her children, she found that her son, who had disappointed her, was not as bad as she thought.
On the contrary, as a mother, she has been ignoring and belittling her children.
Her mentality has changed, and she is becoming more and more pleasing to her son, and her previous shortcomings are not so hateful, but on the contrary, there are many more advantages.
The child has always been the child, he has done nothing and nothing has changed.
Whether it is excellent or not is just the standard for parents to judge their children according to their own requirements.
This situation has probably happened to every parent at one time or another.
I always feel that there are a bunch of problems in the child, and I always feel that he is not good enough to do anything.
But one day, when I was defeated by the child's "not meeting our expectations" and changed to a new way to raise the child again, I found that the child was already very good.
"The Awakening of the Family" reads: "Children can only develop a strong sense of self when they feel that they are truly seen and affirmed." ”
There are no "bad" children, but we who have expectations only see that little "bad".
"My child's grades are not as high as the size of your shoes and my husband's, what should I do?"
A mother in Guangdong posted a video complaining that she is a master's degree from Wuhan University and her husband is a doctor from Fudan, both of whom are key high school teachers, bringing out waves of Qingbei students.
Looking back, my child has 40 in math and 30 in Chinese.
Other people's homes are full of happy melons, but only their own homes have a big bitter melon.
This kind of feeling can be experienced by most parents.
There was a video of Huang Bo on the Internet that went viral before, and everyone commented:
"Because of a clip, I want to chase a drama. ”
"Huang Bo's acting skills are as good as ever. ”
Before clicking in, what kind of new movie is this, I'm going to watch it another day;
Click in and take a look, thank you, no need, this movie is played every night in my house, from dinner to sleep.
Huang Bo's tutoring and learning for the baby, and the parents who were forced to go crazy are not the irritable mothers?
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In other words, if you collapse a few times while tutoring your baby's study, the middle age of the old mothers and fathers will be complete.
In fact, we all know that we must appreciate our children as they are, and we must recognize our children's true selves.
I also told myself that being a parent is a practice, and only by being calm can we avoid breast cancer, uterine cancer, and various nodules......
But the world is not strange, and children are not strange.
This kind of Buddhist state of relief basically only exists in "just finished scolding the child", "seeing that other people's children are worse than their own children, and feeling that their baby is okay again", "the period of maternal and fatherly love when the baby is asleep and the baby is no longer in front of him"......
However, basically as long as the child is in front of him again, and the parents have to manage the child's learning again, then it will probably begin to collapse intermittently again and be persistently depressed.
We always think that our children are not as good as we want, and from another perspective, are we the perfect parents in the eyes of our children?
I once heard a parent's sharing, and I felt very empathetic:
The biggest pain for many parents is that they want to roll their children, but they don't have the scientific chicken baby method of learning from their parents;
If you want to spend money to ask someone else to help you guide your children, the economic conditions do not allow it, so you can only run into walls everywhere, and waste a lot of unjust money.
I can't find a way, and I can't give financial support, so in the end, I can only vent my anger at myself, turn my head on the child, complain about him, I have paid so much for him, why is he still not good enough?
I read a passage from a book shared by a friend:
The essence of all entanglements is that we neither want to admit that the other person is different from us, nor do we want to let go.
We are not willing to admit that we cannot meet each other's expectations, nor do we want to admit that the other party cannot meet our expectations.
I desperately want to transform the other person into what I want, and because the transformation failed, we blamed the other party for not cooperating with us.
Psychologist Safari Sabari also said: "Raising children means compromising on a new pace. ”
Children will test and challenge our patience, and if we encounter such times, stop and tell ourselves that children have their own path to take and their own life that they really want to live.
Someone once took a picture of a child walking on the way to school and said: "It will take 20 years for him to become an ordinary person." ”
To let go of a child is to let go of yourself.
It is never the child's own behavior that determines the child's future, but how the parents treat the child's behavior.
Sorting out our own expectations and mentality, children's "true self" can truly shine.
There was a father on the Internet who talked about his son, saying that his son loved to play since he was a child, and it was not until he went to college that he realized the importance of learning and began to change majors and study hard.
He said: "Children's self-awareness and self-growth are more important than anything else. ”
As a mother who has been a teacher for more than ten years, few of the outstanding children I have observed have been pushed forward by their parents.
Education, sometimes also needs chance, and if there is no time, it is useless for parents to try.
The flowers bloom early or late has nothing to do with the person who sees the flowers, only depends on the flowers themselves.
Just like the joke, the existence of children is to tell parents that you can't do whatever you want in life.
It is said that parenting is a practice, and this practice, why is it not ourselves?
There is a passage that says:
"Your children are here to ferry you, and you are also crossing your children.
Parents who are unwilling to grow up and change can't help their children, nor can they overcome themselves, so they can only suffer and struggle with their children. ”
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For a while, I was in a bad state. When I was most painful, I had to hold my daughter and cry almost every night.
During that time, I was under a lot of pressure, and I couldn't see anything wrong with my daughter, and any of her unintentional points could stir my nerves and break out into a hysterical breakdown.
Every time I finished venting, I blamed myself and was sorry for her, and hugged her over and over again to apologize.
My daughter comforted me: "Mom, you have always loved me very much, you are a good mother, let's cheer together." ”
Since then, my daughter and I have had a deep conversation almost every once in a while.
I was healed little by little with her help, and she also learned how to love others better in her time with me.
What's even more unexpected is that in the communication, we found the best way to balance our emotions, and both of us became more emotionally stable.
We encouraged each other, gave each other unconditional love, trust, and support, and slowly walked through that dark time together.
You see, all nurturing is ultimately a fatalistic cycle.
We have been working with our children to achieve and grow each other.
You lift him up to a better place, and he lifts you up to find a better version of yourself.