One
I, Xia Bingqiu, Zha Lili.
The last time the three of us met was two years ago, at an academic conference at Freie Universität Berlin. Our relationship was as follows: Xia Bingqiu and I were invited to the conference at the same time, Xia Bingqiu was a German-Chinese living in Berlin, and I was transferred from Shanghai to Berlin via Frankfurt on German Airlines. We didn't know each other. As for Charlie Li, she is my best friend since I was eighteen years old, and this relationship has continued for almost another eighteen years. She was in her final MBA program in Germany and had a short break, so she decided to come to Berlin to meet me. Of course, at the same time, I also met Xia Bingqiu, who was also unknown.
As such, things seem to be quite novel and pleasant. There is no doubt that Cha Lili and I are very fond of Xia Bingqiu, a middle-aged man with dark amber glasses, thin, serious, and at the same time possessing a subtle sensual humor. He took us around Berlin's Museum Island in the middle of a rainstorm for two days and then enjoyed an afternoon of coffee in the square in front of the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church. These two things can be said to be vain, or they can be said to be really happy and fulfilling, depending on how you understand it. Anyway, Charlie and I were quite fascinated by it.
In order to recount this jealous affair more accurately, I have to briefly introduce me and Charlie and the connection between us again. Charili and I were both born into quasi-working-class families, and based on my qualifications and life experience, I suspect that in her early years, Charili was withdrawn, introverted, and handsome but slightly flat. Growing up, we both received a decent education and developed in our respective fields, and we also loved fashion and often bought some shiny clothes. All of this makes our family background seem a little mysterious and unpredictable in some non-acquaintance circles. At that stage, there was another aspect in which I was very similar to Charlie – we were almost completely uninterested in the type of people who were poorer than us or who seemed to be poorer than us. On the contrary, all of our life experiences, and later efforts, are aimed at being as far away from them as possible......
At that time, I was an ordinary teacher in a second- or third-rate university in Shanghai, and the real reason why I had the opportunity to go to Berlin to attend that conference was because the head of the department had other urgent matters...... Either way, I was a complete substitute, and even my seat card at the meeting was rushed and there was a small mistake in the process. However, in any case, I was really excited to attend such a conference full of friends and celebrities. It was out of this delicate mindset that I contacted Charlie in another city.
"I'm in Berlin...... Hold an academic conference!"
I heard my own cheerful voice on the phone.
Now to another strange hobby of mine, from a very young age I have had an ability to distinguish sounds. In fact, the matter itself is far from so mysterious, perhaps, but my hearing is a little more acute than ordinary people...... The more subtle things, which are overlooked by ordinary people, are effectively magnified and recognized in my ears. Indeed, this is a very interesting thing.
Then, I heard Charlie on the other end of the phone:
"Yes, yes, academic conferences, there are a lot of people attending......
Charili's voice has always had a sense of floating upwards. Her voice is in line with where her current career is going. She borrowed a little money from me when she was doing her MBA. She's straightforward, which is her benefit. She told me frankly that for her, taking this degree was just to improve her social status and get a good job. Of course, if she's lucky, maybe she'll meet the right person in the process.
When she flew to the Free University of Berlin, I kept thinking that she was secretly thinking that there was a "suitable person" hidden somewhere in this high-profile meeting, rather than that she came to see me.
I also have this kind of little trick to think about, so even if she doesn't say it, I completely understand it.
I don't know any of the people at the meeting. They are experts, scholars, professors...... They greeted me politely, smiled, looked at me a little suspiciously, and smiled again...... Eventually, they went back to their circle and left me alone.
Xia Bingqiu appeared at this time. He accompanied me to the buffet, walked around the campus, and the day before I read it aloud with the dean of the department, he also made a point of explaining some details that must be paid attention to in international conferences. You know, the presence of such a person can't help but make me feel warm, and even a little sobbing.
After the speech, Xia Bingqiu asked me to go to the square in front of the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church in Berlin the next afternoon for coffee, and that evening, Charlie arrived.
So, the next afternoon, the three of us, no, there was another friend of Xia Bingqiu, it was a middle-aged man with a round chin and a slightly red face, about the same age as Xia Bingqiu...... Xia Bingqiu introduced him to us vaguely. This man's surname is Ge, so we all call him Mr. Ge.
Mr. Ge didn't talk much, as if he had something on his mind. Of course, it is also possible that he just wants to leave the time and space of his speech to Xia Bingqiu. Xia Bingqiu kept talking, while Mr. Ge drank coffee silently, occasionally stopped to look at Xia Bingqiu, and smiled slightly.
The two seem to have a good relationship, as if they have a tacit understanding. But soon, my attention and I were drawn to Xia Bingqiu's well-informed and eccentric elf conversation.
Xia Bingqiu first told an anecdote related to sound. He said that many years ago, he lived in East Germany for a time. There, he meets a strange man. That person's job is to gather the voices of different people. For example, if there is no rain for three months, he has to carry a heavy machine on his back to collect the voices of the officials of the Water Authority, or for ten days in a row it rains, he has to carry the same machine to collect the voices of the officials of the Water Authority or the observatory and the residents of the wooden houses.
Because Xia Bingqiu talked about the voice, I thought it was interesting, so I propped my elbows on the coffee table and looked at Xia Bingqiu, who was talking.
Obviously, Charlie was also attracted to something. She opened her mouth wide, as if she wanted to eat Xia Bingqiu in one bite.
At this time, Xia Bingqiu suddenly changed his words:
"By the way, you know about Daoist Wang, right?" he turned his head to Zari and quickly turned to me again.
"Daoist Wang?"
"Yes, it's the royal Taoist priest in Dunhuang. Xia Bingqiu squeezed his eyes at us, like a naughty child who had stolen candy.
Xia Bingqiu said that the Taoist Wang priest, a native of Macheng, Hubei, had a poor family, and escaped from all directions for food and clothing, and later sold the precious scriptures of Dunhuang to foreigners. Everyone knows the first half of the story, but the key lies in the later part. According to the materials at Xia Bingqiu's disposal, Wang Daoshi later did not have so many scriptures to sell, so he began to forge the scriptures, and he used a simple but bizarre method: using the numbers 1 and 2 to form a chaotic pattern, this combination of up, down, left, right, and upside down, successfully and perfectly deceived the eyes of buyers and viewers, until decades later, it was discovered by researchers.
In retrospect, that sunny Berlin afternoon was enveloped in a haunting and somewhat eerie atmosphere from beginning to end. Obviously, Zha Lili and I were both fascinated by Xia Bingqiu. He's talking about a life that we haven't experienced, wider than ours, as if much taller than ours. We rushed to that kind of thing, surrounded that kind of thing, just like we used to hang out and shop in high-end shopping malls. Charlie and I both saw the light in each other's eyes.
We know each other too well.
And that Mr. Ge, by the way, we almost completely forgot about that Mr. Ge. He kept his head down and kept silent, drinking more coffee than any of us. It wasn't until Xia Bingqiu's mouth was dry and his speech was temporarily over that he said a few words leisurely.
Although it was not much, it really stunned us.
He said that he seemed to mean this, saying that Xia Bingqiu was indeed a person with rich experience, not to mention anything else, "his first wife was an Argentine leftist, and his second wife was a communist fighter in Poland......"
Xia Bingqiu gently stopped him, so Mr. Ge didn't continue. However, such things have completely exceeded the radius of our lives, and Charlie opened her mouth wide and let out a dry "heh".
I, on the other hand, could clearly hear the spring-like "cooing" sound coming out of my throat.
I can't judge whether what Mr. Ge said is true or false, it is likely that it is just a joke between old acquaintances, and there is no definite meaning. Maybe it's just that Mr. Ge saw Xia Bingqiu in the limelight that day, and found some episodes to make fun of him.
Later that day, Mr. Ge took his leave, and I noticed that Xia Bingqiu stood up, and the two of them whispered a few words in the shade of the tree. There is another detail, before leaving, Mr. Ge came over and asked us for contact information. Based on a woman's intuition, I think what he really wants is Charlie and not me. Of course, I don't care about that. I think the same is true for Charlie.
Next, that night in Berlin, me, Zha Lili, and Xia Bingqiu had dinner together.
We ate in a long, narrow tavern on the banks of the River Spree, dimly lit and filled with the clinking of beer glasses. At some point, it started to rain again. I remember that Charlie drank a lot of dark beer that day, and I seemed a little inexplicably melancholy. I stood for a while at the window facing the river, and I could see the spire of the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church in the distance. During the day, I went in and took a turn, and there were bullet holes in the black walls, and I could almost smell the gunfire from World War II. It was like a wounded behemoth, dark, shabby, and I couldn't figure out why the Germans had not given it up.
When I stood at the window of the hotel, I could hear Zariya's screams of excitement from time to time. My mood became gloomy like a dark cloud on the horizon. Seriously, I kind of regret agreeing to Charlie here. This is undoubtedly a ridiculous decision. Otherwise, it will be me who will have dinner with Xia Bingqiu, just me. Xia Bingqiu and I would continue our discussion about Daoist Wang, listening to the faint sound of the rain as it fell into the River Spree and then disappeared, and then, something else would stretch out clearly.
If things were shaped like that, I wouldn't suddenly think of the shadowy church spire, and I wouldn't be so troubled and helpless to think about such a question: Xia Bingqiu, this man, is he more interested in me, or in my friend Zha Lili?
Then again, though, at the time, it was more of a subtle feeling than a serious issue. To be honest, this feeling is not much different from when I went to the mall with Zha Lili and saw a lovely item, and both sides secretly competed with each other, trying to take it for themselves, so as to dress up themselves and raise their value, and so on.
Charlily stayed in Berlin for three days, and the day before she left, we arranged for the three of us to visit the Jewish Museum.
As I was wandering in the lobby of the hotel waiting for Zha Lili and Xia Bingqiu, I received an international call from the school in Shanghai. There was a row of display cases in the corner of the lobby, and I hid behind one of them to report the meeting to the head of the department when I had returned. As he spoke, there was a rustle of footsteps on the stairs. In the shadow of frosted glass, Zha Lili and Xia Bingqiu, one after the other, walked slowly. I panicked and couldn't help but make a fuss.
I seemed to see Zha Lili whispering to Xia Bingqiu...... I'm not sure if Charlie told Xia Bingqiu about my fake identity. Although she didn't fully understand the cause and effect of this meeting, as a substitute and an impostor, I felt a chill and inexplicable fear in my back. I hung up the phone in a hurry, and Xia Bingqiu and Zha Lili had already come to the front. Cha Lili has an expression that is outside the mainstream world, while Xia Bingqiu is the same, holding an umbrella in one hand and a khaki cotton trench coat in the other.
He smiled politely and playfully at me.
I felt depressed.
At noon and in the afternoon of that day, the familiar melancholy enveloped me like the humidity of Berlin. I even have a little stammering, which I know often happens when I don't really want to talk or when I suddenly retreat back in. The sound echoes loudly in the ear, but it is incoherent. There is a pain in the production and dispersion of sound. I tried to stay away from them as much as possible, walking ahead of them, and when Xia Bingqiu and Zha Lili visited a place, I pretended to walk through the courtyard and paced the path. I make space for them, and sometimes I actually have a masochistic pleasure.
That night, in the cold rain, I pretended to say goodbye to Charlie warmly.
I hugged Charlie and squeezed out a lot of parting words. Then, I propped my chin and told Xia Bingqiu and Zha Lili in great pain that my migraine had happened again, this was an old illness for many years, and every time it rained, the pain was like a gossamer......
The meeting was drawing to a close, and faces were everywhere dragging their luggage and waving goodbye to each other. Some faces were familiar, we greeted each other at the breakfast table, others were featured in the local TV news and newspapers, and by accident, I was a part of them, like a walk in the clouds...... But now, they're going back to their lives, and I'm once again left alone aside.
Charlie immediately expressed deep understanding and sympathy. Xia Bingqiu silently helped her put her luggage into the trunk.
The car screamed a few times in a dull way before starting. I stood in the pinpoint rain, in a state of utter powerlessness.
Xia Bingqiu returned after midnight that day. The next day, he called my room and asked me to have breakfast. As he buttered a slightly charred loaf of bread, he whispered to me, as if for granted, "I think you're good, let's get along." ”
On the day I returned from Berlin, it was still raining. Xia Bingqiu came early to see me off.
"The college's shuttle bus is not available today...... Xia Bingqiu walked in front with his suitcase in tow, and turned around and explained lightly.
We took the subway to the airport. Along the way, I was hesitant: whether to tell Xia Bingqiu the truth - I was just an ordinary lecturer assistant. I am not eligible to attend this conference and will not be eligible to attend a similar conference in the future. He and I are people in two worlds, and there will be no such intersection in the future, I am just a substitute for the embarrassment of identity......
To say, or not to say?
Will Xia Bingqiu look down on me because of this? Does he know something? Has Zha Lili ever given him a hint? If I do, will I lose Xia Bingqiu? I was flustered all the way, and I also observed Xia Bingqiu's face from time to time. He seemed to be thinking about something, and his expression flickered.
When changing subways, Xia Bingqiu answered a phone call. I heard the name "Charlie" pop out of his mouth several times. Then he turned his back to me and, with a few hurried words, ended the call.
Xia Bingqiu explained that the call came from his friend. It was the one who had coffee together in the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church Square a few days ago, "Mr. Ge greets you, and also asks you to convey your greetings to Charili!"
Xia Bingqiu's carelessness and understatement suddenly made me feel relaxed. I began to introspect. Perhaps, the past week in Berlin was just a mirror image of me, like the echo of the wind blowing through the treetops. Xia Bingqiu was actually not interested in Zha Lili at all. The whole thing happened, but Zha Lili and I fell in love with the strange Xia Bingqiu at the same time. For us, he comes from a place where he is fresh and high. At the same time, Xia Bingqiu, with the cunning and cultivation of a mature man, makes us confused by the sound of the Spree River.
In the end, he chose me.
I had an impulse to tell Xia Bingqiu the ins and outs of the matter. At this moment, a hawker appeared at the entrance of the subway, standing against the wall, his hat on the ground, and the melodious sound of the piano.
Xia Bingqiu and I both stood still.
It was a neatly dressed entertainer, with a focused expression when he played the violin, and after a song, he bowed slightly, still with an indifferent expression.
Xia Bingqiu walked up first and put a banknote into his hat.
I hesitated and followed.
I was following up and suddenly decided on something. I decided not to say anything more to Xia Bingqiu for the time being. When my relationship with Xia Bingqiu has not been steadily developed, it is very dangerous to do so. It is very likely that I will lose Xia Bingqiu because of this, at least from now on I will lose his trust...... And now, we walk up to a street performer at the same time and elegantly throw a note into his hat, and in such a moment, we are equal.
I enjoy this temporary, though dangerously equal.
Two
In the first week after returning to Shanghai from Berlin, the head of the department called me three times. The head of the department's voice was on the low side, with a deep languid boredom. After answering the third call, I went to a resort hotel in the suburbs. The hotel is near the lake, and there is a small island in the middle of the lake. As the head of the department rinsed his mouth in the bathroom, I pulled the curtain open a crack - a faint smoke drifted from the distant island, and a motorboat rode the wind and waves, sailing towards me like a sharp sword
……
"Can you tell me about it...... Did you encounter something interesting in Berlin?"
When I left the hotel, the head of the department was still lying on the huge bed in the suite. At one point I thought he was asleep. After putting on my coat and scarf, I walked over to the bed and took a look at him. Beneath the messy sheets, the head of the department leaned over and clung to a pillow like a child. I don't know why, when he doesn't speak and even stays silent for a long time, I don't think I really hate him that much. It was a tired man, like the tired flock of mallards that could be found everywhere on the island in the middle of the lake.
Charlie also came on a call or two. Because of the jet lag, her voice on the phone was always half a beat slower, like an imperceptible conspiracy. She recounted that the weather in Germany was getting colder rapidly, and that people on the street were wrapped in thick clothes and scarves with only half of their faces exposed, and that she lived in a student dormitory near a lake and went for a walk by the lake once a week.
"It's cold, and waterfowl are rare. ”
From beginning to end, Zha Lili did not mention Xia Bingqiu. I, on the other hand, carefully conveyed Mr. Ge's greetings to Zha Lili. It's the middle-aged man who has had coffee with us and always seems to be full of thoughts......
"Oh, that's right. Charlie said lightly.
On the contrary, Xia Bingqiu rarely called. He and I basically kept an email a day. Xia Bingqiu's letter is warm, funny, and sad...... But I rarely heard his voice, and once I received a call from him in the speeding subway, and his voice was intermittent, high and low. I paced anxiously in the carriage, even shouting, "What? I can't hear you! I can't hear you!" and everyone looked at me. Another time, I heard that whispered, natural voice again in my dreams - "I think you're good, let's get along"......
Situations like these again plunged me into an inexplicable melancholy and irritability. If you say that in Berlin, the one who separates me from Xia Bingqiu is Zha Lili. So now, because of the lack of his voice, I suddenly feel that I have become completely unsure of the materialized and touchable Xia Bingqiu.
During this time, I went on several business trips with the head of the department. Once, we also went to a tourist destination in Southeast Asia for a small conference. When out of the customs, mingling with people of all colors, on the beach at dusk, I heard some language more complex than the language of birds permeating the surroundings, those strange marijuana smells perfume...... When the wings sway slightly, like a sad and arrogant bird solemnly soaring into the sky, I suddenly shudder. At the same time, I feel like my class is slowly rising......
Wait, isn't this what Zha Lili and I were initially attracted to by Xia Bingqiu? But now, I closed my eyes and slowly opened them again.
The head of the department was looking at me mysteriously. In his eyes, half of it was a deep boredom from himself, and the other half was the urgency of a child grabbing the pillow next to the bed.
His voice was still muffled:
"You...... Do you like this kind of trip?"
But - where is Xia Bingqiu?
About half a year later, one day, I was looking up some materials in the school library. Occasionally looking up, a shadow very similar to Xia Bingqiu's figure flickered through the corridor.
I was stunned, and in a daze, I got up and chased away.
It's really Xia Bingqiu. But when his voice and body came together with me, I had a feeling of utter unreality.
"You...... How could it be...... Here?"
Xia Bingqiu dragged a huge but slightly old suitcase, dusty. The corridors are full of people, who are experts, scholars, professors, bosses, colleagues, and students of my school...... Among them, some know me, some don't, and one is the rival and sworn enemy of the head of the department in recent years. They walked past me and Xia Bingqiu one after another, turning a blind eye or looking at us suspiciously......
"You...... How...... Coming back?"
I looked up at Xia Bingqiu in confusion, I don't know why, I had a strange feeling: the person standing in front of me seemed to be quite different from the one I imagined.
At dinner that day, Xia Bingqiu told me intermittently that this time, the reason why he temporarily left Freie Universität Berlin was actually to complete a special topic, writing a research paper on the current situation of marginalized people at the bottom of society. In the previous stage, he had almost completed his fieldwork in Berlin, and for the next nearly a year, he will continue this research in the city where I live.
"Here?," I was a little surprised by the concept.
"Yes, probably longer. Xia Bingqiu ate the dishes on his plate in silence.
And, Xia Bingqiu went on to tell me that in order to cooperate with this research, he would rent the most modest house in the city, go to the nearby vegetable market every day to buy groceries, cook and do his own laundry, and, "make friends with beggars, prostitutes, and bar boys as much as possible." ”
I don't know what kind of expression I had on my face at the time. I just stared at Xia Bingqiu's eyes in disbelief:
"You mean, befriending beggars, prostitutes, and bar boys?"
"Yes, approach them and make friends with them. Xia Bingqiu replied very naturally.
"Why...... Is this necessary?" and "As I pressed this question, my mind was racing through those strange marijuana-smelling perfumes, like a mournful and arrogant bird rushing into the sky with huge wings, slowly rising life...... But now, Xia Bingqiu suddenly told me that in the next nearly a year, he will rent the most humble house in the city and live the most impoverished life. Is he crazy?
"Why is this necessary?" I whispered to myself. Most of the time, I prepared the thesis materials for the head of the department, and the things that were depicted on paper and books never had anything to do with his life.
"Yes, there is a need for this, it must be so. ”
"Okay. My voice lowered and I muttered, "Then I'...... What should be done?"
"You should be with me, close to these people, and live the simplest life. Xia Bingqiu said categorically, just like half a year ago, he told me that he thought I was very good, and we should continue to date.
Soon, Xia Bingqiu rented a house in a relatively remote place in the city. During the day, I go to work, and at night or on days off, I go with him to various subway passages, hospital populations, or some downtown areas. This is where some strange people gather. We quickly got to know a few masseurs in a foot spa shop and a bar guy in the back alley. As long as he has time, Xia Bingqiu will go to chat with them. He keeps some recordings or takes a little note. A few times, I walked with him into a groggy and dimly lit massage room, and the room suddenly fell silent. Two masseurs were there, one very young and the other slightly older. The older one, a little tired but very professional, asked us, "Reflexure, or full body?"
"They don't talk much, do they?" I asked Xia Bingqiu after walking out of the massage room.
"Today...... Yes, today they say less. Xia Bingqiu said.
"Because I'm a woman?" I thought for a moment and continued.
"Probably...... Perhaps, there are other reasons. Xia Bingqiu groaned.
Later, I rarely accompanied Xia Bingqiu there. But most of the time I'll help him put together some chat recordings and notes. There were different voices inside, as well as laughter. Once I heard a very hoarse male voice, and it felt like something was holding me tightly in my throat......
"Who is he?" I pressed the pause button.
"A man who has had surgery for laryngeal cancer. Xia Bingqiu listened intently and told me.
One day half a month later, in a small bar at the end of the alley, Xia Bingqiu pointed to a short man sitting by the window and wearing a red and black plaid T-shirt, and whispered to me that this person was the "person who had undergone laryngeal cancer surgery" that I had heard in the recording.
"Why is he still drinking?" I said, staring at the small shot glasses in front of the short man.
"He comes two or three times a week and drinks every time. Xia Bingqiu said.
He ...... Aren't you afraid of death?" I sensed something strange in my voice.
"He's been close once, and some people are more afraid, and some people are never afraid anymore. Xia Bingqiu replied unusually calmly.
The rest of the night passed slowly and strangely. Xia Bingqiu and I moved the tables and chairs outside. The moon was surprisingly large and round, hanging over the entire city. As I looked up and stared at it, it seemed to grow bigger and bigger, gradually pressing down, like a mysterious asteroid rapidly approaching the Earth. Xia Bingqiu was silent most of the time, and my mind was racing, recalling that night by the River Spree in Berlin......
Through the glass window, I looked at the man in the red and black plaid T-shirt - I suddenly felt that the virtual life that Xia Bingqiu gave me and himself was somewhat meaningful.
In this process, Xia Bingqiu and I had two fierce disputes.
One afternoon, Xia Bingqiu went out for business and asked me to go to a foot massage shop to pick up an audio tape. Generally speaking, when making those recordings or notes, Xia Bingqiu will mostly pay some symbolic fees. For example, buy a drink for the bar boys, or let me bring a little fancy gift to the masseuses. After a few times, I gradually got acquainted with those girls, and a few of them were free, and they would talk to me half-truthfully for a while. I brought a few pairs of imported velvet stockings in teal with me that day. There was really a little girl named Xiao Dai in there, so everyone asked me to give her a pair first.
I walked over to Dai's massage table, sat down, and put my stockings next to my pillow. At this point, the mattress moved, and something fell off.
I touched it, and it was a pack of condoms.
When I was sorting out the recording for Xia Bingqiu, I heard such a paragraph. The girl inside said that some of the guests would ask her out and ask her the price directly. Then there is Xia Bingqiu's voice, which is very professional, but it also induces the other party to speak naturally, so are you going, or are you not going? The girl giggled and said, sometimes go, sometimes don't......
The recording lasted for a long time, and Xia Bingqiu didn't ask more pointed questions directly, so the whole conversation ended up being a relaxed and happy chat like a friend.
This may also be part of the investigation. But now, when I touch the condom pack, the whole thing suddenly becomes ambiguous and suspicious.
For two whole days, my face was gloomy. During this time, he quarreled with Xia Bingqiu without incident. He seems a little inexplicable, but he is also basically unclear. On the third day, I flipped out the tape again, listened to it from the beginning, and near the end, there were a few lines of dialogue:
"The money earned like this...... How did you spend it?" Xia Bingqiu's voice seemed to sigh.
"I have a boyfriend who is an alcoholic...... The doctor said he couldn't quit ...... "The girl's voice was like a heavy thing falling to the ground." "You make money like this and buy him wine?" Although separated by time and space, I can still imagine Xia Bingqiu's somewhat deformed face at that time.
Then, there was no sound.
Another time, after dinner, Xia Bingqiu and I were hanging around. It was sleet and the weather was cold and gloomy. We walked through a few unfamiliar alleys and continued on our way. Then, on a nearby overpass, we went around and around, completely lost.
It was at that time that the "beggar", dressed neatly dressed in cotton clothes and carrying a backpack, appeared.
He walked towards us. Like all the passers-by who meet in Pingshui, his steps are a little hurried and a little hesitant than others. I couldn't help but glance at him.
Suddenly, he spoke:
"Eldest sister, there is no travel expenses, and I haven't eaten for a day. ”
"What?" I don't know why, I was shocked.
"I haven't eaten for a day, I'm ......," he repeated with great certainty.
To this day, I can't explain the fear that this "determined" "beggar" brings to me. I instinctively took a few quick steps forward. Sure enough, the "beggar" followed. I picked up my pace again, and my instinct told me that if I ran on this empty flyover, he would follow.
He really came to me.
"Eldest sister, you're hungry, give me some money for food. ”
I paused, pricking up my ears...... There was a very interesting thing happening. I pricked up my ears high, listening, discerning.
As the distance got closer, the voice of the "beggar" became clearer and clearer.
"Let me buy a bowl of noodles, just around the corner, a bowl of noodles, ten dollars. ”
At this time, Xia Bingqiu followed from behind. I took his hand and hurried away again. After a safe enough distance, I looked back again. The "beggar" was still standing there, one hand slightly stretched forward, his lips furled, and his eyes—in my memory, were filled with both dazed and disappointed, and at the same time angry and desperate when a desire had been frustrated.
I still have a feeling that the "beggar" will catch up, and there is even a possibility that he will catch up and beat me or Xia Bingqiu hard.
"He's—is—liar—the son!" I told Xia Bingqiu with great certainty, word for word.
"What? What are you talking about?" Xia Bingqiu's eyes widened.
"This man...... It's a liar!" I shouted at Xia Bingqiu.
What I never expected was that Xia Bingqiu shook off my hand violently. He was angry. I heard him gasping for air, like a freshly wounded cub.
"Really, he's really a liar!" I hurriedly explained, as if I didn't explain it right away, and it would not be the stranger who would be considered a liar, but me.
It was at this time that I suddenly thought of the background of Freie Universität Berlin and the international conference with many celebrities and rich references...... So, when explaining to Xia Bingqiu, I decided to use an allusion. Because I think Xia Bingqiu will definitely understand, appreciate and finally accept this allusion.
My explanation could be laid out in a soothing way, but at the time, I must have been a little incoherent or even incoherent.
Here's my explanation. I said to Xia Bingqiu, this person must not be a beggar. Because in a person's body, even if the facial features and skin color can be changed, there is one thing that cannot be changed, and that is the accent of the person...... At this time, I gave the example of the English writer Orwell...... Actually, I could have given some other examples, but at the time, I blurted out this - I told Xia Bingqiu that this was a short paragraph from my master's thesis. Roughly speaking, Orwell, this man who has lived in contradiction all his life – the Eton-graduated proletarian, the anti-colonial policeman, the middle-class tramp, the leftist who criticizes the left...... One of the most helpless and contradictory things in this man's life is that Orwell can't change his accent, the British "upper-class accent". And the truth is that Orwell had a bitter hatred and dislike for the upper class because of the trauma of his early years. He thought, and really wanted to do, to love his fellow man, but he couldn't, even if he just wanted to talk to them, because his accent betrayed him—he was born on the fringes of the upper class and was educated by that class. It was so ingrained in his blood that the outward manifestation of it was that he couldn't change his accent. Even if he once provoked the police to go to jail and spend Christmas with the poor, he could not do even such a simple thing. Because the police immediately heard his accent, the police saw through him.
"Go back to your own home. The policeman winked his eyes at him and whistled rather lightly...... Then smiled and said to him.
"And now" - I can't wait to continue to explain to Xia Bingqiu.
And now, the same thing happened to me, I heard an accent different from that of a beggar, and I recognized this man, even if for some reason he explained that he hadn't eaten for a day or two, even if he staggered after us in the cold, muddy streets, "Let me buy a bowl of noodles", he shouted at me loudly and without shame, even if all this happened and progressed unbelievably, I could still judge without thinking.
"He's not a beggar! He's a liar! You have to trust me!"
I heard my own hysterical voice. Because I couldn't understand it at all, just as I was trying my best to explain, a deeper and deeper gloom rippled on Xia Bingqiu's face. It was as if he was silently examining something, as if I had quietly touched something, like lighting a candle that seemed to be silent, and something was spreading in the air. Xia Bingqiu began to move away from me, I couldn't catch him anymore, and there was a terrible, hideous expression on the side of his face...... Hopefully it's just the weather and the glare of the streetlights.
Later, that night, Xia Bingqiu finally gave a rather simple and stubborn reason - if you meet a beggar, you immediately think of "whether he is really a beggar", such a person is shameful. He even let out a subtle but devastating "snort" from his nostrils.
His inexplicable attitude was completely unacceptable to me.
We quarreled. Both sides did not give in to each other, and the momentum was violent. In the end, Xia Bingqiu suddenly threw out a sentence that made me remember it for a long time, but I still don't know why. He paused and said, "Orwell......? What are you doing at this time?"
That night, Xia Bingqiu didn't go back to the apartment with me. I don't know where he went.
Three
After the "beggar" incident, for a period of time, my relationship with Xia Bingqiu entered a very delicate stage. To this end, I specially arranged a short trip, beautiful scenery, comfortable inns, and a leisurely holiday time...... Yes, why should I devote all my time and energy to that virtual life? Even for the sake of that seemingly meaningful research paper, why did I and Xia Bingqiu's lives be filled with the smell of beggars, prostitutes, and bar boys? full of suspicion, stench, and increasingly thick shadows? What does that beggar he have to do with us? Even if he is a liar, or even if he is not a liar...... He is just a pawn in Xia Bingqiu's paper that is about to be completed, and he will not have any intersection with our lives in the past, present, or future......
Forget about him. I said to myself in my heart.
We went to the south once, and in a small courtyard at the foot of the snowy mountains, we drank red wine and ate barbecue food...... The moon slowly rose, the tops of the snow-capped mountains sparkled in the distance, the air smelled of food and flowers, and everything returned to a harmonious and balanced state. And at this time, that faint doubt resurfaced.
Do you want to tell Xia Bingqiu the truth? About that meeting, about my true identity, we are people from two different worlds......
I still chose not to say it. At least not for now. Because no matter what, if I make peace with him, that harmony and balance will be broken again. I said to myself, maybe I can wait, maybe the thing itself has become less important. Now, when we face each other and return to our original state of life, silence will be the most precious and tacit gift.
At the same time, I noticed a few details. During that trip, Xia Bingqiu rarely spoke, as if he was also thinking about something. Once, I suddenly looked up and saw that he was staring at me, and something flashed in his eyes.
"It's beautiful here, isn't it?" I smiled at him. Stand up and hug him.
"Yes, it's beautiful, it's good. He smiled too. Greeted with my hug.
However, after returning from the trip, Xia Bingqiu became more and more irritable.
He couldn't wait to get back to his thesis, to the clutter, the crowding, and the stress that he had virtualized, and he had become unkempt, with a scruffy beard and his clothes unwashed for days...... When I went to see him, he was buried in a lot of materials and books, looking tired and his eyes were red.
"You're almost done preparing the materials, aren't you?" I asked him cautiously and softly.
He looked up and looked at me like a stranger.
Things didn't develop in a good direction, and Xia Bingqiu's attitude made me more and more incomprehensible. We even start arguing on a regular basis, just because of some trivial thing.
Once, Xia Bingqiu and I went to a small restaurant for dinner. I inadvertently complained that I hoped that the pace of his dissertation would be accelerated, or at least, that he would be able to complete the early fieldwork and move on to the later stage of the text.
"To be honest, I still don't really like dealing with them...... You know, that's not my life. After drinking a few glasses of rice wine, I said what was in my heart.
The shadow suddenly returned to his face, and his voice became cold again, "I don't like dealing with them...... Perhaps, they may not like you either. ”
Xia Bingqiu raised his voice and said excitedly, "Do you know why those two masseuses didn't talk much that day?"
"Masseur, what day?" I looked at him with a confused expression.
"Once, you and I went on to do an interview. ”
"Yes, why is that?"
"Not just because you're a woman, but because they don't trust you......"
"Don't trust me, why don't you trust me?"
"Because fundamentally, you are people of two worlds. Xia Bingqiu said categorically, one by one.
People from two worlds? Me and them? What is the matter with me and Xia Bingqiu? What is the matter with Xia Bingqiu and them? Countless questions rise and fall in my mind. At the same time, this inexplicable conflict and dispute shrouded Xia Bingqiu and me like a haze that came and went from time to time. These little things were so small that I once mistakenly thought that it was just Xia Bingqiu's drunken gaffe, and he provoked, judged and even criticized me - because generally speaking, he would always apologize to me very gently or humorously the next day, and he would often avoid talking about it when I wanted to ask questions. He had an expression that was somewhere between tranquil and shy, convincing me that he was the real one when he had regained his composure, and that the next day was all an illusion...... He himself was frightened by himself, and inadvertently, he was frightened by the "Xia Bingqiu" hidden in the depths.
When he's controlled by alcohol or something resembling alcohol, there's something dramatic about his voice. It's like a saint or a madman who rushes through a storm. When I raised my voice and stood on the street side, the snowflakes dodged in front of me, and I yelled at him, "He's not a beggar! He's a liar!"
And so on, and at that time, Xia Bingqiu's voice and momentum had completely covered me. He must have said something else, and he expressed his anger in the snowstorm, and it was so strong and real that I suddenly had a sense of absurdity. I made an effort to try to compromise on this. I said, okay okay, he's probably not really a liar, not a liar at all...... But is it really that important?
The beggars that are everywhere in the city...... So, in the following period, whenever I went out for a walk with Xia Bingqiu, I carefully chose the road. Yes, I'm afraid of meeting beggars again. When they come to them unexpectedly, it always makes people face a difficult situation. Hesitate to think that they are not beggars? walk over indifferently and turn a blind eye? In any case, if you do this, you will be uneasy, what if it is really a wrong judgment? But if you take every beggar who dangles in front of you as a real beggar, you will still feel uncomfortable in your heart—what do they mean by those sly and silent faces?
So, I pulled Xia Bingqiu, and we walked around the bustling downtown where suspicious faces often appeared, and we also bypassed the densely populated residential neighborhoods and the overly desolate suburban woods...... We bypass all occasions and times when we might encounter "them", we are terrified, we are all soldiers. Those ghosts are almost everywhere, they make us unguardable, as if, the love between me and Xia Bingqiu is not enough to resist the invasion of those ghosts, we are afraid of them, we avoid them, we-
What are you hiding from?
At the end of that winter, Xia Bingqiu suddenly returned to Berlin.
It was a warm and cold early spring afternoon, and he hurried to the school reading room to look for me, his face whiter than paper.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked him, under a dying plum tree.
"I'm going back to Berlin once. His eyes looked away.
"Back to Berlin? Why?" Just two or three days ago, Xia Bingqiu mentioned a detail in the paper to me in great detail, and said that he wanted to improve it as soon as possible.
"A friend of mine...... Something happened, you've seen him, it's in Berlin......"
My memories flickered before me like fragments, with shimmering mutilations. In the square in front of the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church, a lone pigeon is in a daze. Another faint image - a middle-aged man with a round chin and a slightly red face, he seems to have something on his mind and is also in a daze. The aroma of coffee. At the top of the church, a sun that was about to set looked at us quietly.
"Mr. Ge?"
Xia Bingqiu frowned, as if the three words I blurted out suddenly turned into a needle tip and stabbed him hard.
He ...... What's wrong?" I asked him hesitantly.
"Dead. ”
For some reason, Xia Bingqiu's voice was like an unexpected cold rain, which made me tremble suddenly.
Xia Bingqiu went for a full ten days, and for seven or eight days, I was almost completely unable to contact him. Late at night, I woke up suddenly. Every cell sprouted a strange feeling, and I don't think Xia Bingqiu will come back. From now on, he will disappear from my life completely, as he did without premonition...... The feeling was so inscrutable and so indissolvable that I got up, dressed, and paced helplessly around the room, yet there was him everywhere in the empty darkness, and that strange look that I couldn't read.
"My best friend died. His voice was as cold as ice and as soft as cotton that bloomed at night.
His gaze swept over my head. His face rippled with a deeper and deeper gloom again. Like the haze pushing away the clear sky, like those invisible hands intervening between me and him again.
Oh my God! That mysterious Mr. Ge, and even Xia Bingqiu, who used to get along with me day and night, who are they?
In those ten or so long days, two things changed my indescribable mood a little.
The first is the head of the department.
Since I was with Xia Bingqiu, I have declined the request to go on a business trip with the head of the department several times. At noon that day, he called me out of the blue.
"Busy?" said his voice on the phone, short and jumpy, like an occasional wave from a lazy lake.
"Hmm. ”
"You open the window and look outside......" The languid and tired voice returned. I had a vague feeling that he might be hugging a pillow, or another woman.
I walked to the window.
"See anything?"
"Nope. "It was a small piece of sky outside the window. Nothing, empty.
"You can always see birds, any bird......
I still haven't seen anything. Nothing, empty.
But the head of the department's call ended abruptly, and he laughed out loud and said flatly, "What do you think you are! What do you think you are! Tell you one by one and be a bitch!"
I froze there, and after a long time, a burst of laughter poured out of my chest. The head of the department's voice was so strange and funny that I laughed so hard that I almost burst into tears.
That afternoon, I was suddenly relieved, and I was inexplicably happy for a while.
There is also an uninvited guest, it is Charlie Lili.
At first, I barely heard her voice. Maybe because she was back in my city, the sound that was always half a beat slower due to jet lag became palpable, or maybe something else, but in short, there was a subtle change in her voice that suddenly made me unable to connect with that damp, rainy night by the River Spree. Something shaky was firmly nailed.
For some reason, this familiar and unfamiliar voice sparked my curiosity and at the same time made me a little uneasy.
Charlie talked about her situation in a clear way: after completing her MBA, she traveled to several places, and finally settled in Berlin...... It sounded like Charlie was clearly more talkative than before. She now seems to have the ability to put what she wants to say in real words, rather than using tonal interjections and more feminine screams. Her temperature also dropped. I mean, because of this change in her voice, there were several times when I didn't respond to her conversation in time. She waited faintly...... She used to be so sensitive that the sad eyes of a little wild cat could make her write a line of poetry.
"How have you been doing for the past few years?" she interrupted, starting anew.
"Okay......" I was hesitating to tell her about Xia Bingqiu
At that moment, she quickened the pace of her speech.
"By the way, do you remember someone?" she said with a small hook in her voice, as if a slender body was leaning down towards me.
"Chen?"
"Remember that time in Berlin......" her voice began to fade.
My heart was pounding.
"One afternoon in Berlin, we had coffee together in the square in front of the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church......"
“……”
"There were four of us that day, you, me, your friend Mr. Xia, and a chubby middle-aged man. ”
"Are you talking about—Mr. Ge?" I was shocked.
We both stopped at the same time. There was silence.
Charlie told me a story that didn't quite make sense. Shortly after I left Berlin, Mr. Ge suddenly found where Charlily lived. It was a season of decay, and almost every weekend evening, Mr. Ge would wait by the lake where she often walked...... He was wrapped in thick clothes and a scarf, with only his two eyes exposed......
He ...... Fall in love...... Are you?" I asked, hesitantly.
"I think so. Charli's voice was quite calm.
"And then?"
"We dated for a while, but I eventually found out that he was actually just a liar. ”
"Liar?" I frowned.
"Yes, liar. Destitute and living on government unemployment benefits. ”
"But," I interrupted, "but that doesn't mean he's a liar!"
"I thought he should be at least ......," Charlie tried her best to correct the tone and rhythm of her speech, "I thought he was at least middle-class. ”
"But anyway, he didn't lie to you. "I suddenly got angry.
"He's a poor man—a poor man, isn't that any different from a liar?" replied Charlily hesitantly and decisively, so that, in her voice, I could clearly see a face that looked a little distorted by surprise and confusion, and the face continued to speak: "Forget it, it's nothing, it's been a long time anyway—I just want to say that we were so innocent then, and now we have finally grown up." She raised her eyebrows and sighed.
But he died. Just last week. I said coldly.
Later that day, I had a long conversation with Charlie. But human emotions are really the strangest thing, from the initial surprise and sigh, Charlie quickly transitioned. After the aftermath of the shock faded away, it was for her that the sad ending even became a kind of evidence - yes, for a liar, what more natural and powerful possibility could there be than to perish?
As for me, it's getting more complicated. Mr. Ge, who is he? a poor man (this is obvious), Xia Bingqiu's "best friend", a person who "you will never know what kind of good person he is", and Zha Lili "a sloppy liar who lives by cheating the government on unemployment benefits"...... They are undoubtedly a person, but are they, really a person?
There is a more selfish and slightly darker reason. Actually, I didn't really mind Xia Bingqiu's friend that much, and I didn't even mind Zha Lili that much. Just from the perspective of a voyeur, I was immersed in the complex emotions of prying eyes, shock, sympathy, and joy throughout the call. In the end, selfish feelings completely prevailed – and I was relieved. The affair a few years ago ended up being a shadow. Taking that afternoon in Berlin as a starting point, it's like when I went shopping in a high-end shopping mall with Charlie and we rushed to that kind of thing, and surrounded that kind of thing...... And now, it's me who finally harvested Xia Bingqiu.
Yes, the common prey of me and Zha Lili at that time - Xia Bingqiu, where is he now?
Four
When I saw Xia Bingqiu again at the airport pick-up gate, his face showed a gentle, quiet and shy expression again. He smiled at me from afar, as if he had just returned from the center of the storm.
Xia Bingqiu hugged me gently. We walked out of the aisle, out of the crowd, and got in the car. He remained silent and didn't even mention anything about the funeral. I noticed that he was holding a book in his hand, with an old cover and slightly rolled pages. It's Verne's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea".
Anyway, my Xia Bingqiu is finally back. I put a blanket over his knee and let out a long sigh of relief. Outside the car window, there are rapidly changing street scenes and pedestrians, and there are real and false voices one after another. I suddenly remembered that once, Xia Bingqiu and I were walking on the streets of Berlin, the road in front was blocked, and the commotion of the crowd could be heard in the distance, the protesters were angrily smashing glass, shouting, and stomping their feet, and the sirens were so harsh that I lost my judgment of all the sounds. It's not peaceful anywhere. And now, my Xia Bingqiu is back, my victorious prey, my love...... None of this matters, only the person next to me is real. I clutched his hand, his arm, the corner of his coat tightly, and I tried to grasp everything I could, as if, in this position, I could feel a little bit of peace.
For the next period of time, Xia Bingqiu continued his fieldwork. He became more and more reticent, spending his days in the rental house sorting out materials, and the few recordings and notes that were left were mostly done by me shuttling between the rental house and the massage room, the small bar in the middle of nowhere, or the corner of the waiting room at the station. Everything was orderly and peaceful again, as if a new order was slowly being created. Once, when I came out of the school reading room, the rainstorm had just stopped, everything was fresh, and a few small birds were jumping on the branches, making a bright and transparent sound that almost made me want to cry. I stood at the railing and breathed evenly. At least, there is one thing that still makes me feel gratified - no matter how impermanent the world is, the love between me and Xia Bingqiu is gradually approaching to blossom. In the interval of each quarrel, in the alternation of storm and tranquility, I felt that I was slowly approaching Xia Bingqiu's inner world, and at the same time, I was quietly changing. Under Xia Bingqiu's influence, my eyes and ears began to look and listen in different directions.
On the way from the school reading room to Xia Bingqiu's rental house, I was surprised to find that now I can hear different sounds and see more things than I did a few years ago. The sound of a drunken man vomiting happily on the side of the street, the sound of death in his steps as a senior employee of a company walks on his way to work, a prostitute singing a song of true love in her heart, and suddenly, two young women walk up to me, walking and talking like Charlie and me a few years ago. I was curious and followed up slowly. Oh my God! They talk about things that seem to be petty bourgeoisie, but in fact they are mediocre! Their sadness is so shallow, and their melancholy is so ridiculous! Love? Do they understand love? Love is the romance of love?
I left them in a panic and fled. I was so ashamed in my heart.
Fortunately, Xia Bingqiu was guiding me from afar. Thankfully, we met each other and I would snuggle up to him and hold on to him, while at the same time, he would lead me...... And, I am convinced, we will be happy.
Spring is really coming. I felt a sense of ecstasy. In the twilight of spring, there is an earthly smell in the air that makes people nostalgic. I threw my head up, breathing in intoxication and greed.
It was on such a spring evening that we went to one of the most frequented bars.
The only difference is that this time we are not interviewers, we are the most usual guests. Xia Bingqiu's fieldwork is officially coming to an end, and we are about to return to normal life...... That long-lost smell and sound...... That day, I pulled out a small dress that had been unused for a long time from the closet and put on light makeup. I sprayed myself with a weird marijuana-smelling perfume that I bought at the airport duty-free shop on a business trip with the head of the department.
We were received by a new lad. He was dressed in black, thin, but very energetic, and his eyes were shining.
He obviously didn't know us as regulars...... His voice was resolute and crisp, which made me hesitate for a moment, and in this voice, there was something different...... I can't tell you what it is, what is it?
But soon, the fleeting thought slipped by. Xia Bingqiu and I found a place near the window, outside the window was a long river embankment, and the air was hot and humid, as if the tide could wring out the water. I can't help but think back to that tavern by the River Spree a few years ago, that rainy night, and the inexplicable legend about the royal priest. How wonderful life is!
It was a sweet, spring-swept night. But after a while, there was a light fog on the river. On a night when the spring breeze was intoxicating, a small dark cloud stopped in the sky, the leaves rustled, and the clinking of beer glasses was everywhere. I was so immersed in my joy that I thought to myself, if I could simulate the light waves on the Spree River, then time and space would overlap almost perfectly.
Xia Bingqiu and I both drank a lot of wine that night. Xia Bingqiu was silent. And the mysterious smile and happiness always spread on my face. Later, I picked up my phone and started recording this wonderful summer night.
I photographed the silent embankment.
The different patterns of the rain clouds on the horizon.
Two passers-by who had returned home at night walked past the window, and after a moment's pause, they looked inside and quickly walked away. Even small things like this seem to tell me the true meaning of life. I photographed their backs, glad I was finally more than just a passerby, I opened a window, and there was a reason to see more.
At this moment, Xia Bingqiu, who had been silent for a long time, pushed my arm.
He pointed to a bench by the riverbank, in the shadow of a tree. Faintly, there was a man lying on it, his arm hanging straight down.
It looked like a tired man, probably a waiter at this bar, who had been working all day, and now, finding a gap and sneaking out for a nap.
I photographed the dark shadow on the bench and the tired arm that hung straight down.
He was a laborer, a poor man, a symbol that moved me by the presence of my camera.
After a while, the situation changed slightly. A girl in a T-shirt appears near a bench. She was answering the phone, her back to the figure on the bench — perhaps she hadn't noticed it at all. The tired arm hung straight behind her...... She also looked like a migrant worker in the neighborhood, and when I looked through my lens, it was as if the person lying on the bench was dreaming of her. But it is clear that her dream will not be his......
I vaguely heard some voices, as if Xia Bingqiu wanted another glass of beer. And I, who was busy taking pictures, remembered making a vague gesture to the black-clad waiter. I feel like I've drunk a little too much, and I do have drunk too much, and the people and events in the camera have the texture of a fake shot. But at least I was still awake at that time, and I had to keep myself awake before Xia Bingqiu drank too much—which was a habit I've always had—I don't remember what kind of gesture I made, but my inner instinct told me that at that time, I should have said "no", and I declined the possibility of asking for another drink.
I drank the rest of the wine from my glass and enjoyed the photos of tonight's group of people at the bottom, the laborers and the poor. their lives and dreams. I've seen them, not only have I seen them, but I've kept them in my album forever. I want to be like Xia Bingqiu, a person who will always stand on the side of the egg.
And that's when the next thing happened suddenly. The young man in black, holding two large glasses of beer, dragged his tired steps and walked towards us firmly.
"Your wine. He said.
I was stunned for a moment, then hesitated and said, "I...... Didn't ask for alcohol. ”
"You want it, he has a drink, you have a drink. The young man repeated his crisp and resolute voice again.
I was stunned again. There were already two guests looking back at us. The lad is new here, and he doesn't know me. Suddenly, I was reminded of the unusual thing in his voice, what did that thing mean? stubbornness. I met a stubborn guy who had the potential to disgrace me. Now, I have two ways to deal with it – one is to compromise and admit that I have never asked for a glass of wine that I vaguely feel I have ever wanted, and the other is to insist that I really did not ask for that wine, which may preserve my dignity or may still be humiliating. If the young man's voice could be softer, it would be kept in a range that only me and him, even Xia Bingqiu, could hear...... If that were the case, I think I would have chosen to compromise. But, but—and I suddenly became angry—a new hairy lad, why should he be so energetic as me, a regular shopkeeper, a man of status (I subconsciously pulled my hair and pulled off the corners of my dress), and a man who might not have done anything wrong at all!
Why?
I decided to stick with it.
"I didn't ask for this wine. "I changed my tone to a very serious tone and raised my voice a little.
"You want it. He said it affirmatively and succinctly.
"I didn't, I told you, you help me get the wine back. ”
"I can't get rid of the wine. ”
"You have to return it. At the same time, my voice was already getting higher. More people looked back at us, looking at a fashionably dressed woman with a fine perfume, arguing with the young bartender over a beer of a few dozen dollars. This in itself is a boring thing. Strangely, Xia Bingqiu has been silent, although I wish he could help me, at least as one of my witnesses.
However, he didn't.
I can only keep going.
"Call your boss. "I pushed the beer outward, and it tilted dangerously, spilling a few drops.
"He went home. "The lad remained calm.
Something inside me lost control, and suddenly I yelled, "You give me back!"
He seemed to have been struck hard by something, his voice lowered, and he muttered, "I have to pay for the retreat...... I can't afford it. ”
I forgot how it ended that day, and I was so angry that I trembled and walked away. I guess Xia Bingqiu later paid for the glass of wine, I thought he would catch up soon and comfort me a few words, at least let me forget about this unfortunate thing...... However, no.
I stood there for a long time in the silent embankment, and the embarrassment and anger made me sweat. The rain clouds on the horizon had drifted away, the fog had lifted, and everything had returned to its original appearance.
I waited for half an hour at the bridge—maybe longer, maybe just for a short time. Finally, Xia Bingqiu came over slowly.
"Why don't you say a word? Why? You know I'm not wrong! You know what you know!" I cried out like a madman. I seemed to have picked up a small pebble and threw it in the direction of Xia Bingqiu, or just on the calm and boring surface of the river.
"You are wrong. Xia Bingqiu's voice was surprisingly calm, but at the same time, it was as gloomy as his face.
"I'm not wrong! it's him!" Anger, and something inexplicably controlled me, and I was no longer angry about the thing itself...... But what am I really for?
The expression of rejection of me from a thousand miles away appeared on his face again. This time, it's as dark as the night, so thick.
"Can you distinguish people's accents? Can you really distinguish people's accents?" Xia Bingqiu's voice was very soft, as if talking to himself, but it was still loud.
I was suddenly frightened. Because this time, something is completely different. Xia Bingqiu didn't quarrel with me, and he didn't seem to want to quarrel with me anymore. He became sensible, restrained, and cold at the same time. I shuddered, and my gut told me that something different was about to happen.
"Haven't you been able to distinguish my voice all along?" Xia Bingqiu sat down on a stone bench, his voice sinking. I can't salvage it.
"I'm a poor man...... I've always been poor. I wasn't a professor at Freie Universität Berlin at all, my real identity was just a temporary assistant who was hired at the time, and a partner of my poor friend "Mr. Ge" – we started a small company that barely made ends meet. And not so long ago, we went bankrupt completely...... I've always wondered how it is that you and your pretentious friend never hear my accent?" Xia Bingqiu said passionately and impulsively, as if he was proud of what he had said.
I froze there like a corpse. His voice was like a knife. It cut through my pride, everything about me, and at the same time made my love with him bleed.
He continued, "I came to you in the hope that time will change you. Those fieldwork, you always thought were my virtual life, but they are actually the closest to my life...... I thought I had succeeded and changed you, but tonight ......"
"Let's go. He said.
As I walked slowly down the embankment, my mind went blank. Oh my God, Xia Bingqiu and I were originally people from the same world, two embarrassing substitutes...... But...... I still have a hint of luck. Perhaps, like many times before, Xia Bingqiu and I will reconcile again. We'll also be cautious in hugging, kissing, not daring to look each other in the eye, and become two survivors who have just passed through the eye of the storm again. As many times before, we were lovers again, but the cold feeling was still there. Like a needle hidden under the skin. Most of the time it's calm. Other times, I can hear a sound, like an iceberg slowly relieving and melting under the light of the spring sun. There is a subtle casual click, crisp and gentle.
In my memory, at the best of times, Xia Bingqiu and I would prick up our ears together and listen to this sound quietly and fearfully.
But this time, something is really different. Because, perhaps, from the beginning to the present, Xia Bingqiu has always been, and has never stopped doubting and disgusting me, or rather, the deeper and more subtle hatred in his bones.
What amazes me is that this kind of thing has nothing to do with love. It exists outside of love, this foggy substance......
I didn't dare to think about it. Before the chill in my heart finally rose and made me completely hopeless, I used my last strength to run wildly on the empty embankment.
Zhu Wenying was born in Shanghai in 1970 and currently lives in Suzhou. He is the author of the novels "Night Voyage in the Deep Sea", "Aunt Lily's Little South", "Ms. Dai and Blue", "High Heels", "Water Marriage", short and medium stories "Prosperity", "Floating Life", "Double Pupil", "Staring at Marina", "Minute Night Clock", "Spring Breeze Drunken Night", "A Metaphysical Afternoon", essay collections "Where Our Love Has Gone" and "The South Must Be Forgiven", etc., some of which have been translated into English, French, Japanese, Russian, Korean, German, Italian and other languages. Chinese critics commented that "the ancient, gorgeous, delicate and delicate cultural veins of Jiangnan have gained a new extension in her".