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Why there are men
Do you want to talk about it after you have a wife?
Text/Yan Lingyang
01
Reader Millie (not her real name) has been very troubled recently, saying that she has recently met three or four men, all in their thirties, married for two or three years, and some have children. They all seem to be very serious, have stable jobs and families, but these people just talk to her in private. After seeing that she didn't pay attention, he went to harass other female colleagues.
Millie was puzzled, and thought to herself: Isn't it necessary to avoid taboos when you get married, why do these married men still have to chat with unmarried girls in private? If I get married, I shouldn't talk ambiguously with other men in private, who to talk to, why do I have to talk to other people of the opposite sex about ambiguous topics? And if my future husband chats with people like this, although he doesn't talk about anything excessive, I will be unhappy.
Millie also specifically explained: "Chatting" is not the same as "chatting", "chatting" has a much stronger purpose than "chatting", or rather, the purpose is "sex". It's just that this "sex" is presented in the form of chat.
Even more unfortunate than Millie is another college student reader.
A few days ago, she sent me a private message saying that she fell in love with a senior brother, and because they were in the same club, they became acquainted. With this senior brother, she feels very comfortable and happy. The senior brother also likes to get along with her, and the two of them went to put up club posters together, and joked with his classmates that he was going on a date with the little junior sister. When they were eating together, the senior brother secretly took photos of her, chatted until they got up, and rubbed her hair.
She always thought that her senior brother liked her, until she heard that she had a childhood girlfriend and even lived together outside the school. And when the senior brother was chatting with her, the senior brother's girlfriend was struggling to prepare for the graduate school entrance examination.
She especially couldn't understand why her senior brother still came to chat with her and play ambiguously when he had a girlfriend.
Also distressed is Xiao Meng (pseudonym), when the child was two months old, she accidentally found that her husband used a WeChat account to chat with all kinds of beauties.
The husband concealed the fact that he was married and had children, and used WeChat to "shake" to hook up with various girls (of course, most of the people who can hook up in this way are "princesses"). She saw that her husband was hooking up with girls under the age of twenty on WeChat, and the chat content was comparable to AV straight, and she wanted to strangle her husband to death.
She took this evidence to question her husband, but her husband said unashamedly: I didn't cheat, what are you excited about? I gave it to the family, and I did everything you wanted me to do in this family. Don't you even give me a little bit of privacy now?
Hearing this, her lips trembled with anger. It turns out that her husband has always thought that this family belongs to her alone? It turns out that he thinks that as long as he doesn't have sex with the opposite sex outside, it is not cheating? It turns out that he thinks that chatting with the opposite sex is a kind of privacy that needs to be protected?
Xiao Meng asked me: Are men like this "eating in the bowl and looking at the pot"?
02
Frankly, I don't agree with the "what men do" or "what women do".
What a man or a woman is like means that both men (women) are like that? Who chooses them to be representatives?
A lot of problems are actually a person's problem, or a human problem.
There are not a few women who chat with other members of the opposite sex after having a partner.
"After having a partner, you still have an affair with someone else", some people think that it is not cost-effective or even boring to do this, and some people think "why is this thing so fun, I want to flirt with another one".
So, we can analyze: what kind of man still chats with the opposite sex after having a partner?
Personally, I think it's a man who is not confident and has no responsibility.
They need to rely on another person of the opposite sex other than their partner to confirm their charm, and because they do not have the confidence, ability and willingness to handle the relationship between themselves and their partner, they need to find an ambiguous relationship through dating sites.
A man who has a partner and is still chatting is "eating from the bowl and looking at the pot". He is obsessed with this kind of ambiguous and dangerous game, so, in all probability, it is impossible for him to make real friends and gain real friendship through these dating software, but it is very likely that the opposite sex friends on the other side of the network will develop into "friends" or lovers.
If a woman meets such a man, it is impossible not to be depressed.
The pillow person who should be the closest to you seems to be separated from you by a layer of green gauze tent, and what is even more depressing is that there is another one or several opposite sex chatting with him hidden in that green gauze tent. They don't show up in your life, but every time you talk to your partner, it always feels like they're standing between you and your partner.
Originally, you thought that you were unique in his mind. If his heart is an airplane, you think that only you can fly in first class, but then you find out that other women can also take it, and sometimes you even have to go to economy class and move the first class seat to his friends of the opposite sex.
The most easily overestimated thing is self-control. Once "a thousand glasses of wine for a confidant", excessive affection, it is inevitable to "loosen the clothes and untie the belt", and once the last line of defense is broken...... The next bloody plot, I'm afraid it's not so good-looking.
There are also some women who will excuse their partners in this way: he is just looking for some tongue love, and he is not really cheating.
In the face of these things, it is your "blessing" that you can "think openly" so much, but it is okay to use this to persuade yourself, but it is a bit wrong to use it to persuade others.
Esther Perel, who has been named by the New York Times as the most important sex psychologist since Dr. Ruth Westheimer, has spoken about infidelity, and I'm going to share it with you today.
"Infidelity is a window into the intricacies of human relationships," she said. In a relationship between the sexes, it is not only the substantive red apricot who goes out of the wall to be unfaithful, rioting, marital rape, using sexual frigidity as punishment, indifference and selfishness, and refusing to talk and communicate...... These are infidelities and betrayals, if not betrayals of the contractual relationship of marriage, then betrayals of love and consensual pleasure. ”
In my opinion, all actions that cause harm to the marriage and the partner are infidelities to the marriage. From a technical point of view, it makes little sense to analyze whether certain behaviors are considered cheating.
Rather than repeatedly questioning these concepts, it is better to make a decision: accept it if you can accept it, and leave if you can't accept it.
03
A friend of mine stumbled upon a lot of strange women among her husband's WeChat friends, chatting ambiguously.
She quarreled with him, and eventually her husband agreed to delete all these friends of the opposite sex.
A few days ago, she accidentally discovered that her husband had another mobile phone, and he had been using WeChat "s" to chat and flirt with girls she didn't know.
Her husband said: "I just chatted, and I didn't cheat, and I didn't do anything to be sorry for you, why are you so unreasonable and unreasonable?"
Do you know what my friend did? She also took a mobile phone, opened WeChat to "shake it", and found a few friends of the opposite sex to chat in front of her husband......
A few days later, her husband said disgracedly, "Let's not hurt each other, okay?"
You see, when he did these things himself, he didn't feel that it hurt his partner, and when his partner "treated him the way he did", he realized that he was typical of "only the governor was allowed to set fires, and the people were not allowed to light lamps".
When you have a partner, you still talk to the opposite sex, no matter how you look at it, it's a bit obscene and a chicken thief, and it's easy to be looked down upon by your partner.
Once your partner looks down on you, he can't love you.
People have limited time and energy, and if you put your energy into talking to others on your partner, you may be able to build a harmonious and happy relationship.
Life is so short, it's a waste of life to spend a good time chatting with the opposite sex. You can get some pleasure and comfort in the process of chatting with the opposite sex, but this kind of behavior will destroy the relationship with your partner and cool your partner's heart. I don't water my own backyard, so I rush to other people's fields to irrigate, and let my own backyard catch fire...... It's something that only people with water in their brains do, right?
Well, the question is: why do you still run to chat with the opposite sex when you have a partner?
Is the answer "because the partner makes the TA lustful"?
Wrong.
The answer is: because of TA Sao!
There are some dogs in this world, if they don't eat good dog food, they just want to eat human feces, just because the taste of human feces is different from dog food. As long as this man's "sense of taste" is not lost, he may be going to eat human.
Many men have changed their so-called amorous nature, but it is really because the "sense of taste" has been lost, and they really can't do it.
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Author: Yan Lingyang, born in the 80s, emotional columnist, author of new feminism, member of the Chinese Writers Association. He is the author of the best-selling books "Those That Make You Miserable, One Day You Will Say It with a Smile", "May You Let Go of the Past and Be Worthy of the Future", "May You Have a Journey and a Way Out", "I'm Divorced", "With Your Rivers and Lakes Are Not Lonely - An Alternative Interpretation of Jin Yong's Martial Arts Novels" and the children's picture book "Mom's House, Dad's House". With 13 years of experience in financial industry (management), he is currently the founder of a cultural information consulting company in Guangzhou and the co-founder of a cultural media company. Born in Lijiang, Yunnan Province, he now lives in Guangzhou.
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