Today I will write about a topic that many people find difficult to talk about and objectively exists:
"I'm in a sexless marriage."
The other day my college classmates messaged me at two o'clock in the middle of the night and asked if I had any small movies.
She wasn't the first person to ask me this question, I can understand that single people use it to quench their desires, but as a married person, she seems to be in just as desperate need.
I tried to open up a corner of my marriage through her story, and found that the proportion of sexless marriages around me was even higher than I had imagined.
So today, let's talk about it: the history of sexual death in marriage.
On Saturday, I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night to read that there was such a hot search entry on Weibo:
In my opinion, these two things are equally important, and they must be possessed at the same time in order to form love, in order to enter into marriage.
My ex-husband and I had a consensus before we got married: to maximize the pleasure of each other, with quality and quantity.
Like a good movie, the beginning, the end, the beginning and the end.
No matter how good our plan is, it can't change the difference in the physiological structure of men and women.
After the age of 30, he has declined in both ability and performance, and I can feel that he is inadequate, but psychological satisfaction is more important to me than physical satisfaction.
He attributed it all to being too busy at work, his concentration dropped, and he didn't have time to go to the gym.
I didn't want to pressure him, so most of the time I waited for him to take the initiative, until I hadn't had sex for half a year, and I realized that things were not going in the right direction.
After all, he is only 30 years old, and even if he falls, there should be a process, and his direct cliff made me realize the seriousness.
I decided to take a step forward, I bought clothes and props to help him up, and I went to find a few "movies" that matched his tastes.
I picked the time when he didn't work overtime, bought flowers and wine, and after I was full of wine and food, he told me that I was so tired today, and urged me to rest early.
I held on all night, and it was washed away by its words.
He knew exactly what I was trying all night for, but he chose to play dumb.
I got angry, and asked him if he was not interested in me, just say that if there is someone outside, don't hide.
He pushed me away and rebuked me with angry eyes, saying, "Can you not be so?"
The rest of the words are even more ugly.
Dirty talk is fun when you're not dressed, and those few words when you're wearing clothes become insults.
I think it's ridiculous, I haven't ever joked with him since he died, I changed the channel as soon as there was a kiss on TV, and even the cat was taken by me to be spayed.
I defended his pride and ended up being labeled a slut.
We were separated for half a month in the Cold War, and he came to me to ask for peace, and I advised him not to avoid this matter, and he should go to the doctor.
I told him accurately: I need sex, I don't want to be a widow.
He broke the defenses again, scolded dirtier than before, and even moved out of my exs, and he became a complete stranger to me.
He should take psychology classes more than men's courses, and he needs to have the courage to "accept the decline of his sexual ability" more than sexual ability.
In the end, I filed for divorce and moved in with my parents, and at first he came to me every day, telling my parents that we just had a little conflict and pretending to be affectionate in front of my family.
Finally I told him that if he bothered me again, I would tell his relatives and friends about his impotence.
After that, our divorce went very smoothly.
From the time I gave birth to the present, I have had no more than 10 sex sessions in two years.
From he thinks I don't want to, to I think he doesn't want to, to neither of them.
I often say to my friends that the biggest advantage of having a baby is that it is very condom-saving.
I didn't have a lot of sexual experience before I got married, so I wasn't enthusiastic about it and I wasn't averse to it.
Even when I was married, I was very passive in making out with my husband, and I could clearly feel that I was "not good" at pleasing him.
Originally, I didn't plan to have a child so soon, but my family was persuading me, and the experience that my mother, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law taught me was that if I was born early, I would suffer less.
I thought about everything too well, I felt that it was not difficult to have a child, I was tired but happy to be a mother, and with the persuasion of my "predecessors", I became pregnant in less than a year after I got married.
When I was pregnant, my stretch marks were very serious, and at first he would help me with oil, but after 33 weeks he would not want to.
"Your belly button is getting weird. "Why are your lines purple-red, even on your chest? Although he said in a joking tone, I still cared.
During that time, I searched for "how to recover stretch marks" every day, and even didn't take maternity photos because I felt that my stomach was ugly.
When I gave birth, the doctor said that I might need to cut laterally, and I was in pain at that time, so I gritted my teeth and said: Cut, you can cut as you like. ”
I have a scar constitution, the thread rejection, the wound recovery is also slow, and the fertility has caused a big shadow to me, I have refused his affectionate requests several times.
My mother came to take care of the confinement child, and we were even more embarrassed and tired with the presence of elders, and more importantly, the reason was that my stomach was numb, and my skin was also very loose, which made me very unconfident and had no mind in that regard at all.
Intimacy again is half a year after giving birth, and my experience is very poor and the degree of completion is very low.
At the end of the day, he asked me very bluntly: Does the side cut have an effect?
He blamed me for the unpleasantness this time, I had too much resentment with him since I gave birth, and since then there has been a steady stream of negative emotions pouring out, and I feel disgusted by everything he does.
I refused him on the grounds that the child was very tired after a day, and he said that he would take a shower at the end of the day, and he would talk about it perfunctory next time.
None of us are willing to cooperate and take the initiative to please each other in the matter of "sex".
Later, when we went to bed at night, we both hugged our phones and pretended to be busy.
I often recall the time when we first got married, when we could only fit one person's bathroom, and we would squeeze into two people each time, and that pure intimacy never happened again.
Comparing his attitude towards me after marriage, I occasionally have a thought: Is it because I was deceived into marriage?
But I know not, I peeked at his TikTok favorites full of "young female dancers".
I don't blame him, after all, the male protagonist in my novel is three times a night, and the female protagonist wants to die.
My wife and I met when we were studying in the UK, and at that time she was as thin as a girl, and she ate dry lunches every day.
I relied on an authentic sticky spicy meal in the Northeast to defeat other blonde foreigners and win the hearts of beauties.
We developed each other's appetites, and from then on, we never went back in the direction of "eating men and women".
We lived together for more than three years before we got married, and in those three years we had nearly 10 years of love, which led to a "quiet period" soon after we got married.
After returning to China, we each gained 50 pounds, and our bodies were seriously out of shape.
Sex requires work, and we all feel that this exercise is too tiring, so we tacitly reduce the frequency.
We started to make a meal pair, a travel pair, a game pair, except for the bed pair.
After gaining weight, I started snoring, and in order to make sure we could sleep each other, we started to live in separate rooms.
The people who know that we are in a "sexless marriage" are all very close friends of ours, some people understand, some people question, and the main question is whether I am middle-aged, strong and middle-class.
I was small and even wanted to take me to "pinch my feet" to help me show my strength.
He is also in a "sexless marriage", and his wife complains to my wife more than once that he doesn't like to be clean and his mouth is too smelly.
His solution was to "eat takeout if you can't eat the main meal".
I thought about it, but didn't dare.
Familiarity keeps our relationship in a comfortable dimension, but it is also the biggest killer of passion.
The sexless life also affected our mindset when we were intimate, and we were both a little unaccustomed to seeing each other naked.
Our desire for each other is not enough to sustain a hearty movement.
I knew she had a toy, and she generously placed it in her closet.
It's a sign that one day in the future I might be outlawed by her e-husband.
I don't know if you have watched "Beijing Love Story", the middle-aged couple played by Carina Lau and Zhang Jiahui pretended to be strangers and went to Greece to cheat in order to adjust their marriage.
We decided to save the missing sex in our lives in this way, and we traveled to an unfamiliar city every once in a while.
When we lay in the hotel bed, we were satisfied with each other like a couple in love.
When we got home, we were old husbands and wives who slept separately.
Sex is like a festival for us, rewarding each other once in a while, and spending the rest of the time on firewood, rice, oil, and salt.
In the past, we all agreed that it was family affection that maintained marriage.
Now I have to admit that it is also the one who defeats libido.
Professor Pan Suiming's Sexual Changes: The Sex Life of Chinese in the 21st Century There is such a set of data in the book:
"What kind of person is the person who makes you reluctant to have sex?"
As a result, 71.1% of the 1,857 men and women who had experienced this and answered the question were married to 36.5% of men.
In our traditional education, sexuality is still a vague topic that cannot be talked about in the open.
No one tells us that unhappy sex is immoral.
Through the stories of these three friends, it is not difficult for us to find that what sex represents behind is not a simple series of "verbs".
For @武生, sex is a spice, with enjoyment and retention;
For @不李姐, sex is a nourishment, and skin intimacy and ear and sideburns can keep love and marriage fresh;
For @ Chenchen, sex is a right, and whoever needs it will become the weak who is dominated in marriage.
And for those of us who are watchers:
But what is afraid is not a sexless marriage, what is terrible is a loveless future.