90% of life's troubles come from interpersonal relationships.
If you get too close to a person, your expectations are too high, and you can easily look at each other and get tired of each other;
But if the distance is too far away and there is no intersection, it will become more and more alienated.
The most comfortable relationship between people is not to be tired of being together all the time, but to care for each other, but not to look forward to it.
Only in this way will we not be shackled by each other's words and deeds, nor will we be hurt by disappointed hopes.
Expecting too much from others can make the relationship between two people stressful, like a tight elastic band.
If you don't pay attention, it will disconnect.
Qi Qi, the founder of Action Group, shared his own story. In the first few years of entrepreneurship, she was a person with a heavy trust mentality.
When the company encountered the slightest difficulty, she wanted to find a powerful person to help her and hand over what she was supposed to do by herself.
It's a pity that every time she finds someone, it is difficult to meet her request, and the other party is also very painful. After a long time, some people are overwhelmed and choose to leave.
Even in love, she is used to doing this. After the two of them got acquainted, she especially wanted to do something with her love partner, but most of them ended up in nothing.
A few years ago, the company faced a crisis, a large number of employees left, and her own health problems.
After learning from the pain, she finally realized: What she doesn't want to do, can others be willing to do?
When she let go of her unrealistic fantasies and took the initiative to do every little thing, the face of the company quietly changed.
This is true in the workplace, but it is also true in family relationships.
Some parents will pin their unfulfilled dreams on their children, and as a result, they will jump every day.
Shanghai mother Na sister wanted to learn musical instruments when she was a child, but her family did not have the conditions, so she enrolled her daughter in piano lessons.
However, my daughter couldn't sit still at all, and she had to be urged several times each time before she reluctantly went to practice, often crying and playing at the same time.
What makes Sister Na even more frustrated is that no matter how hard she presses, her daughter still learns very slowly.
After quarreling with her daughter several times, Sister Na realized that the obsession in her heart almost ruined the relationship between mother and daughter.
Excessive expectation is a dose of poison that hurts others and hurts oneself.
On the one hand, you will be overwhelmed by disappointment and suffocated by disappointment, and you will have a sense of powerlessness because you have not been able to get what you want.
On the other hand, the other party will also feel resentment and dissatisfaction, which will cause the relationship to fall into a vicious circle of confrontation, evasion, and pain.
There are so many things in life that you can't ask for. It's a surprise to get it, and it's normal to get it.
If you blindly suffer from gains and losses, you can't solve the problem, so it's better to give up expectations and devote yourself to your own life, but you can live a self-consistent life.
This may seem ruthless, but it is the only way to maintain peace of mind.
Psychologist Li Zhongying wrote in the book "Reshaping the Mind":
The origin of the trust mentality is the lack of self-worth that we have built up in the process of growing up. If you don't have enough self-worth, you need to make up for it from outside and accommodate others.
Many people are not confident enough, so they pin their emotions and lives on others, and end up exhausted because they don't get a response.
In the hit drama "Ode to Joy 5", Zhu Zhe, a girl from Shanghai, took a lot of detours in the workplace because she had too high expectations for her direct leader, Director Wang.
Zhu Zhe and Director Wang have been colleagues for many years and have worked together in the same department.
Because he only has a vocational high school education, it is difficult for Zhu Zhe to be promoted again after he becomes an ordinary employee and a housekeeping manager.
She hoped that Director Wang could support her, so she worked hard to win recognition, and did a lot of extra things without asking for anything in return, and even helped him squeeze out competitors.
Unexpectedly, after Director Wang saw Zhu Zhe's ability, he was very jealous of her and prevented her from being promoted again and again.
It wasn't until all expectations were disappointed that Zhu Zhe really saw each other clearly.
After waking up, she no longer waited passively, and directly chose to unite with her colleagues to protect her own interests.
Thanks to her outstanding ability, she was exceptionally promoted and promoted two levels in a row to become deputy general manager.
As the saying goes: "Everyone will run, and the mountains will fall, and only yourself is the most reliable." ”
Expecting others to be like saviors, dragging themselves out of the quagmire of life, is a typical underdog mentality.
Because we have too much expectation of others, we will be restrained and manipulated by the other party.
The real strong never wait, rely on, or ask, but bow down to the game and live out their own value.
In this world, others are not obligated to meet our needs, let alone take responsibility for our emotions.
So, stop expecting tolerance, understanding, and confidence from others. Everything you want, you have to fight for yourself.
If you look forward to it less, you will not be tired.
With this kind of mentality, you will be closer to happiness and avoid internal friction in your relationships.
At a shareholder meeting, Charlie Munger was asked, "What are the benefits of lowering expectations and expectations?"
He blurted out: "Do you want to be disappointed and frustrated because you fail to achieve your goals again and again, or do you want to always get results that exceed expectations and feel good every day?"
Yes, whether it is for the people or things around you, if you have unreasonable expectations, your body and mind will be in a state of stress and you are destined to suffer forever.
We can't change the status quo, but we can change the mindset.
How?
First, stay aware and keep asking for answers
Every time you feel dissatisfied with someone, ask yourself why.
That is, why are you angry? What do you expect from others? What do you expect from yourself?
Some people are dependent on others because of a lack of love. There are also people who dare not take full responsibility for their own lives, so they use blaming others to shirk responsibility.
The answer may be pluralistic and brutal, but in the process, you will jump out of the limitations of your thinking.
It's a good idea to write down these answers and review them every once in a while, as this will help you understand and accept yourself better.
Second, self-satisfaction and re-nurturing oneself
This year, there is a particularly popular word, called "raise yourself all over again", give yourself unconditional love.
Sometimes, the reason why we breed displeasure in relationships is not because the other person is really bad, but because he doesn't live up to your expectations.
The essence of it is because you have expectations of others and want them to treat you the way you want them to treat you.
On the contrary, when you have no expectations of others and learn to be self-sufficient, you will have a lot less trouble.
Two days ago, I saw a girl complaining on the Internet that she hoped that her boyfriend would send her flowers on her birthday, but she was embarrassed to speak directly. In the end, the gift from her boyfriend was not what she wanted, and she was sad for a long time.
In fact, in the hearts of each of us, there is a person who can care for us and accompany us at any time, and that is ourselves. You can take the initiative to communicate what you want, or you can place an order yourself.
Don't feel shameless, the secret to getting along with people is to value your own feelings, meet your own expectations, and not expect too much from others.
Third, accept the gap and coexist with imperfection
When we reach a certain age, we all have to admit that most people are still ordinary people no matter how hard they try.
This means that they will inevitably make mistakes, lie, and be reckless in relationships.
After seeing this reality clearly, our tolerance rate when getting along with others will be higher, and it will not be so easy to be led away by emotions.
Coexisting with imperfect relationships is a must for adults.
May we all be able to change from "asking but not getting" to "having no expectations" in the process of dealing with the world, and live a gentle and firm, rich and broad life.
Source: China News Network WeChat public account
Statement: The copyright of this article belongs to the original author, if there is a source error or infringement of your legitimate rights and interests, you can contact us to deal with it.