Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
In the past, I always thought that raising a good child was to put more effort into learning
But when I saw my daughter suffering from the "friendship brain" again and again, and constantly pleasing the humility of others, I suddenly realized that my child's social interaction was even more fragile than I imagined
Recently, my daughter came home from school at noon every day in a hurry to cook and then do her homework
At first, I was relieved and praised her: "Recently, I have become more and more interested in learning"
But one day at noon, before 13:00 in the afternoon, and there was still half an hour before the school opened, my daughter hurriedly took her books and snacks and went out
Looking at the panicked look, I hurriedly stopped her and asked, "The school is still open, why are you going out so early?"
The daughter told, "I'm going to wait for my classmates, and if I'm late, she'll leave."
I looked at her with disdain and accused her: "Just go, it's not like you don't know the way to school."
Unexpectedly, my daughter continued: "I don't know if she's gone when I'm late, and if I get to school, she won't be angry and won't play with me."
Looking at the tears glinking in her eyes, I relented and asked her to hurry up and wait for her classmates
As a result, when I came home that afternoon, my daughter told me, "I was late for school today, and the teacher criticized me."
I asked her what the reason was, and she told me:
"I waited downstairs to be late and didn't see my classmates, and then I went to school to find out that she arrived at school from another way, she didn't tell me, I didn't know, and then I waited stupidly to be late"
What makes me most angry is that the victim of this incident is obviously her daughter, but in order to please her classmates, she also gave away all the snacks that she usually can't eat and the Barbie dolls that she didn't play with for a few days
Seeing such a scene of friendship and brains that wronged myself and flattered others, I became angry and criticized the child well
But if you think about it afterwards, the reason why children humbly please others, behind the friendship brain is just social inferiority
If you don't want your child to continue to be asked for and hurt, you must tell your child as soon as possible: no matter who you get along with, you must know how to keep your distance
In particular, the following distances can not only protect a toxic friendship from the harm of toxic friendships, but also make a relationship last longer:
01
Material distance
Gifts need to be based on the exchange of gifts
The first step in helping children stay away from toxic friendships is to make them aware of the dangers of friendship brains
When my daughter was wronged and humbly curryed favor with her classmates, I told her a story:
There is such a girl who always puts friendship first
She cherishes every friend, and in order to maintain the friendship, she elevates the other person high every time and puts herself in a low place to please her
The first friend was her table mate when she was in middle school
In order to be a model tablemate who others envy, she deliberately arrives at school early every day
Wipe down all the tables and chairs at the same table, and then put an egg, an apple, and a glass of milk on the table
These are all nutritious breakfasts carefully selected by her mother, and she is reluctant to eat them, so she leaves them all at the same table
As a result, the harder she tries to please, the more she naturally enjoys everything she gives at the same table
Facing the envy of other classmates, he also laughed arrogantly: "She's stupid, I didn't let her make those, just these foods, whoever you want to take them, I don't like it anyway"
She was sad to see her mother prepare breakfast and be treated like this, but she didn't show the slightest displeasure in order not to make her table mates angry
Later, after high school, she did well in her studies and was an excellent student in the eyes of her teachers
But a friend who plays better is a new acquaintance, and every time he likes to upload notes in class, steal snacks, and sometimes skip class to play games
Although he knew that these behaviors were inappropriate, he was always worried that his friends would turn around and compromise
Once, in order to make a friend happy, he even secretly took his mother's money and bought a particularly expensive gift
But in the end, my friend invited a lot of classmates on her birthday, but she was not the only one
When cutting the cake with her classmates, she also complained in public that she said: "I won't invite that fart worm to my birthday, I stick to me all day long, and I can't get rid of it"
It wasn't until she heard these words from another classmate that she slowly woke up, and she was extremely annoyed in her heart
This is the so-called "friendship brain", knowing that it is impossible to do it, but making compromises and concessions in order to please others
And these friendship brains who bother to curry favor and compromise can easily poison children, in fact, because they do not maintain a "material distance"
Just like the beginning of a person pleasing another person, it is to make the other person feel that you value the friendship through the material satisfaction of giving gifts
But the truth behind the friendship brain is: "sincerity may not be able to get true feelings in return", real friendship should be mutual appreciation and respect
At this time, it is very simple to test this: keep a physical distance and let the child understand that gifts also need to be based on gifts
The other party gives you a gift with friendship, and you return the gift, which is a real heart-to-heart and put each other in your heart
If there is no unilateral request for gift, it is poisonous friendship, and in order to avoid friendship brain, we must decisively refuse any unreasonable demand
02
Talking distance
Jokes, exposing shortcomings, and not talking about trouble
No matter how good the relationship is, it needs to be managed, and no matter how deep the relationship is, it can't stand the jokes and bad words that expose the shortcomings
There is a left-behind girl who likes to be joked about every day when she passes by a grandmother's house:
"What about your parents, are they going to work far away again, don't you want you?"
At the beginning, the girl argued and said, "You are talking nonsense, they are going to earn money to buy me a big house, so they don't want me anymore."
Later, hearing the same words too many times, the girl decided on this fact
Every time I talk to my parents, I am full of hostility, and even say: "You don't want me now, and I don't want you when I grow up"
On the school stage, a girl is reading an essay aloud
With a round of applause, she walked off the stage to her best friend and asked expectantly, "How was I?"
Unexpectedly, after hearing this, my friend directly began to belittle and said: "You were too nervous when you came on stage, and you stammered at the beginning, and even the dialect came out later."
As soon as she had said these words, the girl bowed her head and blushed with low self-esteem
Seeing this, another classmate next to him hurriedly comforted him: "Don't worry too much, we all think you read very well, maybe your friend is joking with you."
Later, the girl told the teacher about it, and the teacher comforted her: "Just be yourself, and don't take those who belittle you to heart."
Yes, how can someone who truly admires you and regards you as a friend expose you
Once, a dozen colleagues chatted about a new topic on the Internet during a dinner party:
"What was the most annoying scene from childhood to adulthood?"
Unexpectedly, several answers were actually similar
That is: "to be embarrassed in public, to be exposed, to be ridiculed, to be struck"
Among them, a colleague told, "Do you know why I don't want to go home every Chinese New Year?"
After taking a sip of wine, he continued: "Every time I go home, as long as I get together with my relatives and friends, who praises me a few words, that mother is always humble with all kinds of things in the past, what peeing pants, cheating in exams, being bullied by friends and not daring to go home, etc., are like a big collection of my ugly movies, always reminding me how bad I am"
Over time, the originally optimistic and positive personality has become inferior and depressed
From the above three examples, it can be seen that jokes, exposing shortcomings, and making troubles are a person's dignity and face, and if these words are often ridiculed in public, then the emotional brain will also be greatly affected
Just like those words that you don't want to face, the more you are afraid of something, the more you will eventually form a deep memory, constantly grinding, and affecting your self-confidence
Therefore, if we want to raise a healthy heart, sunny and confident child, then we need to tell them to keep a distance no matter who they get along with
Don't joke, expose or make trouble, and refuse to be told such things to you
Start with good language, start with respect between people, try to let children live in a healthy sense of language distance, and then witness the birth of one long and sincere relationship after another
03
Loss of friend distance
Relationships that make you uncomfortable are thrown away sooner
As the saying goes, "distance produces beauty", and all beauty is also produced in a certain distance and a sense of boundaries
I remember that there was an experiment in psychology called emotional contagion
Let a person who is full of joy and a smile on his face be in the same room as a person who has a sad face and always talks about negative energy
After a period of time, I looked at it again, and I found that my personality that was optimistic and cheerful before slowly became sad
From this point, it can be seen that negative emotions are highly contagious, and even positive people can be affected by the erosion of bad emotions for a long time
Children get along with others in the same way, if they want to be positive and optimistic, it is necessary to stay away from negative energy
I heard a mother complain
Her daughter is a typical timid and introverted personality, even if she is with good friends, she is always what others say
Once, I was instigated by a friend to do something dangerous, and jumped down the stairs from about the fourth or fifth floor
With a thud, the whole person fell to the ground, and his knees and arms were bruised, and the rest of the partners saw this scene and retreated one after another, and no one continued to jump the steps
And when she returned home, her mother was angry when she saw the scars on her daughter's body, and scolded her in person:
"Why are you so stupid, others let you jump the steps, you jump, they are not afraid of wrestling, why don't they jump, just let you jump, this is simply a bad friend who is uneasy and kind, and does not do good things, you should stay away as soon as possible, and don't feel sorry"
But as for the daughter, she is obviously very aggrieved and sad, but she still wants to bring snacks from home to please that friend
The reason, naturally, is: "I'm worried that people won't play with her anymore"
Seeing this, my mother was already angry, and she gradually understood: "The lover's eye is out of the truth", for the person the child likes, no matter how much you say it is in vain
Later, every weekend, my mother would take the girl to check in at a place with many children nearby, such as a park and a playground that children like to go to
As more and more children came into contact, the girl made many new good friends, including some good friends who gave her delicious food and gifts
The most important thing is that those good friends are different from the bad friends who bewitch the girl to jump the steps, they have the same interests, treat each other sincerely, and even when they encounter dangers and difficulties, they will overcome them hand in hand
So, with the contrast, the girl naturally has a certain opinion on the so-called "bad friends".
She also took the initiative to tell her mother:
"I will never play with the friend who asked me to jump the stairs again, she is really bad, like my new friends, I was afraid of falling when I was playing on the slide, they pulled me to overcome my fear and protect me, unlike that friend, who only knew to let me do dangerous things and laugh at me..."
It can be seen that children are easily hurt by bad friends, and in the final analysis, their circle is too small
When you have too few friends, it's easy to lose sight of what a good friend is
Therefore, when the child goes out to make friends, we must tell him in time: "No matter who you get along with, all relationships that make you uncomfortable should be thrown away as soon as possible"
When children see more and more things and hear more and more, they will naturally understand that the distance between them and others produces beauty
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on the need for children to keep a distance from each other? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!